IS this IT?

[lourie]

I have lost Hope, feel empty and have resigned myself to this empty feeling I have for my marriage.

I have been married for 22 years and in that time I have done many things to try to feel differently about my husband but I can not find an answer. I have resigned my self to “this is the way it is and will always be” there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it. I have decided that the reason I got married is because no other options have presented themselves. Or I just don’t have the energy to look for what would make me happy I simply settled for what was in front of me.

So I will go day to day with no hope and with the resolve that this is all I get and all I am worth. I will stay the course as this empty ship doing all the things that are required of me. I will try not to let my family know how I feel and hope my kids don’t follow in my footsteps in their marriages. I will focus on my job and kids and other activities to keep my mind busy so I won’t break down.

At this point I have no other options.

do you think this is how most marriages are???

 

[Johnnz]

A large number of married people find marriage hard work. I think part of the problem is that we are oversold on a romatic vision of marriage that is not likley to be attained by so many people. Then people become discouraged and a downward spiral can happen.

We all need to be much more honest with each other about sharing what marriage is really like, and encourage each other from there.

Also people need good interests and good friends. No two people are totally self contained, and we can become a bit stale if we have too little satisfactionand stimulation in life.

John
NZ

 

[medikel]

Absolutely not, my friend! I believe in a marriage, you are to "complete" each other. You have needs, just as your spouse does and that is an obligation, to meet each others needs! At least to the best of your ability. It definately takes selflessness!!!!

I have been married for 3 yrs, sep. for 2 yrs of it! My h. won't take responsibility or help if it takes too much effort on his part. I am also ill, very ill! I took care of his 2 sons, both ADHD, that he didn't even care about. I did all I could, but then, illness took turn for the worst. He was never around to help out. He used " I have to work" as an excuse.

I don't know all of your situation, but if you aren't happy, feel something is missing, you sound like you do, don't wait. If your spouse won't help to fix what is wrong, well, let me just say this: I had to leave while I still had a piece of myself left. God doesn't want us to be abused, in any manner. Both have "duties" towards each other. You can't live health by going through the motions. You have needs too.
God bless!
Medikel

 

[medikel]

Lourie:
Just Checking In To See How You Are. I Don't See Anymore Posts By You. Just Concerned.
Your Sister In Christ Jesus,
Medikel

 

[lourie]

thanks for thinking of me!!

I am still in the same place (as always) It is relentless. I have decided that This is how life is gonna be for me and i just have to live with it... I get really low somedays and others i have enough on my mind to keep me from breaking down.

I know when I post in here people think they can help me and that i must have loved him once and i just need to find my way back but it is not like that... there is no back

I was reading another mans post and he said he felt the same way and he said it was like starving. I think that is what it feels like to me. i have enough to survive but not enough to make me feel full or make me forget i am starving.

sorry to be a downer

 

[dmp]

thanks for thinking of me!!

I am still in the same place (as always) It is relentless. I have decided that This is how life is gonna be for me and i just have to live with it... I get really low somedays and others i have enough on my mind to keep me from breaking down.

I know when I post in here people think they can help me and that i must have loved him once and i just need to find my way back but it is not like that... there is no back

I was reading another mans post and he said he felt the same way and he said it was like starving. I think that is what it feels like to me. i have enough to survive but not enough to make me feel full or make me forget i am starving.

sorry to be a downer

I've been feeling a lot like you are, but only 9 years; not 20-something. My heart goes out to you...as does a prayer for peace and fullfillment.

- darin

 

[charligirl]

thanks for thinking of me!!

.

I know when I post in here people think they can help me and that i must have loved him once and i just need to find my way back but it is not like that... there is no back

Noone can help, and if you never loved him then there is no way back. But I know that God says the plans He has for our future are good and not evil. He doesn't want us to just exist.. but to live.

I don;t know your situation, or what you have done or tried to do to make it work. But I do know there is a place you can find in God, outside of your marriage, that no matter what your life circumstances, can bring you fulfillment and joy and meet your every need. I pray you find that place.

 

[Autumnleaf]

I have lost Hope, feel empty and have resigned myself to this empty feeling I have for my marriage.

I have been married for 22 years and in that time I have done many things to try to feel differently about my husband but I can not find an answer. I have resigned my self to “this is the way it is and will always be” there is nothing I or anyone else can do about it. I have decided that the reason I got married is because no other options have presented themselves. Or I just don’t have the energy to look for what would make me happy I simply settled for what was in front of me.

So I will go day to day with no hope and with the resolve that this is all I get and all I am worth. I will stay the course as this empty ship doing all the things that are required of me. I will try not to let my family know how I feel and hope my kids don’t follow in my footsteps in their marriages. I will focus on my job and kids and other activities to keep my mind busy so I won’t break down.

At this point I have no other options.

do you think this is how most marriages are???

I feel like you do sometimes, but not all the time. Sometimes things go better, waaay better! You may want to still attend to your husband in a loving way because love has a way of changing things; or at the very least, it lifts the spirits of the one loving even when love is not reciprocated. Try to love without expecting reciprocation and you may free yourself from disappointment.

 

[jfj503]

sorry the only way out is death or his adultry...be thankful for what you got ..you're not alone...God will reward you someday and it will be good...

 

[Johnnz]

Your honesty is great. Thanks. There is no use pretending. A marriage is working or it has died. If it has died that fact needs to be recognised. Where you go from there needs to be talked through with wise counsel.

John
NZ

 

[lourie]

sorry the only way out is death or his adultry...be thankful for what you got ..you're not alone...God will reward you someday and it will be good...

that is howit feels... I tried adultry and am thinking of the other. I am having a really bad day today. most days are just bad but today is REALLY BAD...

 

[dmp]

that is howit feels... I tried adultry and am thinking of the other. I am having a really bad day today. most days are just bad but today is REALLY BAD...

God is in the business of forgiving sin. God knows your heart AND your mind. Do NOT do anything drastic. Divorce is NOT a sin; don't let people try to tell you that - Christ said, "If you must, give a certificate of divorce - but IF you remarry, it's adultry".

But it's also better to marry than to 'burn with desire'...

Pray and ask The Holy Spirit to guide you and give you peace.

 

[lourie]

God will not give me peace... All i have asked for from him is to have peace about this and not feel like i want to jump off a cliff. I am starving to death for a man that I can love.

I never look at my husband. I noticed that i didnt look at him about a year or two into out marriage. and when i say i DONT LOOK AT HIM i mean i avoid looking at him with my eyes. WHAT IS THAT??? I guess i feel that my eyes are a window to my heart so i dont look and i dont let him look...????

I am one messed up person

 

[dmp]

Cliche alert!!

Lourie - If I've learned anything in my 32+ years, it's one very important fact. Get ready...Go get a pen and write this down...I'll wait...

/me hums to himself...

back?

Great!

Lourie - This honestly feels like God is wanting you to know this:

The difference between a hopeless situation and a wonderful situation can be one thing. Time.

When you get to the place where you have this sorted out - and life is awesome, this time in your life will seem like nothing more than a bad dream.

 

[lourie]

Cliche alert!!


The difference between a hopeless situation and a wonderful situation can be one thing. Time.

When you get to the place where you have this sorted out - and life is awesome, this time in your life will seem like nothing more than a bad dream.

Time is what is killing me. It has been 22 years now. HOw much more time does there need to be?? I am really good at waiting but the waitng is not changing the way i feel. it is taking my soul away

 

[Johnnz]

Don't end up being destroyed as a person. He has shown no inclination to change, to fulfill his marriage responsibilties.

It is not good biblical intepretation to see Jesus as setting laws to limit divorce. God does hate divorce, but that does not make it outside of His grace and wisdom in circumstances where the marriage is not reallybing honoured or upheld by someone. In saying this I also recognise that there may not be a great marriage just around the corner if you did move out. That can be pretty hard to face too. Second marriages havea high failure rate.

Sometimes we have to live with an issue that we can't avoid, and get onwith getting the best out of life that we can , in your case doing really satisfying things outside of your marriage.

John
NZ

 

[linchen]

There is no easy way out of a situation like Lourie describes.

It seems Lourie's husband is unable even to understand what
his wife needs are.
May be, as she says, he will never change.

But God will be on her side everyday and will give
her the ability to go on without the fulfillment she was expecting
from him.
He will give her other kinds of fulfillment.

I know of lots of situation like that.

Is a daily battle... but The Lord
will bless and help her. AMEN!

 

[Moonshade]

Read the Five Languages of Love (or somthing like that) by Gary Chapman. It makes alot of sense and it seems like it may be worth a shot. Also, I disconected from my husband 5 years ago, we have been married for 6. The other person feels the disconnect I truelly believe. He is now gone. He said he felt like even though I was there and went through all the motions of a good wife, he was tired of not being appreciated and loved, he said he thought there was just no connection on my part with him... boy was he right. I now realize he was actually a pretty good man for trying to tough it with me for 5 years. I will pray for you. If God can raise the dead he can raise your marriage.

 

[dmp]

Good post, Moonshade.

 

[Svt4Him]

sorry the only way out is death or his adultry...be thankful for what you got ..you're not alone...God will reward you someday and it will be good...

Always nice to look for loopholes, but the only way to be put away is through adultery, the way out of marriage is divorce.

There comes a time when two people should divorce. My wife and I could have, but we both chose to work it out. But if one person chooses otherwise, then get a divorce, and know it's not a sin to do so, nor is it a sin to remarry after. The verse commonly misquoted is the verse on marrying someone who has been put away, not marrying someone who's been divorced.