Is this a valid theory?

[micaela]

Even tho opinions vary, we all agree on a lot more than we disagree (atleast from what I gather fromt he statements). What we agree on is that "I value our friendship" can mean less than it means or can mean exactly what it means. It can never mean more than it means.

Without meaning to sidetrack the thread, I agree! I'm in a current situation where I met a guy 6mths ago online. We've been seeing each other in person for 4mths, and the last time we talked about the friendship, he said (over email I might add!), "I'm enjoying taking things as they come....I already feel like I have a valuable friendship!"

Now, that to me, says "hold-back, I'm unsure, I'm not that interested, lets keep things as friends", or even "back off". Since then though, he appears to have somewhat invaded my life, and now has changed churches to attend mine every week, sits with me at church and dinner, and hangs out with my church friends etc.

Now I should just ask him to clarify, but I want to protect my heart and not destroy the friendship, so I just go on pretending like I've got this new friend who casually appeared in my life and keeps in touch regularly. It feels as though I've been lead into playing games without wanting that at all....

Any thoughts?

 

[Apollonian]

Any thoughts?

Depending on whether he has a shy or outgoing personality, I would say you should wait and see. If he is outgoing, and you might want a deeper relationship, make a point to give him attention but without actually bringing up the issue. If he is interested, he will act on it. If he wants a friendship, he will continue to hang out and be a fun person. It may be that he wants to get to know you in a social group setting before making his move, and getting to know a person's friends can speak a lot too.

Otherwise, if he is shy, things change somewhat and you may have to be a little more obvious. In essense, he will be doing the same thing asking the question "what did she really mean by saying/doing that?" The unfortunate side effect of shyness is to bias a person toward inaction, but if it is clear that the other person has an interest (attention and praise) then things are easier.

One last comment, it also depends on whether he had a lot of friends previously. If he was having difficulty at his old church, he may just be happy to have found a new group of christian friends to hang out with. This doesn't mean that things won't develop in the future however. Unfortunately, singlehood is a game of patience. One: God never promises us success in dating. Two: Fools rush in because they perceive things that aren't real. Three: When we meet someone we like, it tends to bias our thinking and sway our actions. We need to be wary that we guard ourselves, but not to the point where we shy away from good friendships.

Alas, it's a fine line. I wish you Godspeed.

 

[micaela]

Thank you Apollonian - your advice fitted very well with my variety of progression-options.

It does depend a lot on his personality, and what a better way to get to know it than through friendship in a group. He has a lot of friends but most are now married with kids, and none were still attending his particular service at his previous church.

I spent time with him last night on our own, and once again felt the need to "wait and see", so I think it might just be a matter of long-term patience. And if not....then I've got a great friend, and I'll keep praying that my heart doesn't sink any deeper towards him

Cheers,
M

 

[boilerblues]

Hmm, interesting diversity of opinions here. No wonder men and women get so confused when we talk to each other.

I think that's your answer, there's not a "women's answer" and a "men's answer", it's going to vary. I've learned not to assume, the spelling of the word comes back to haunt me.

Women confuse the living daylights out of me, for the past year I've just made it a point to try not to figure it out. While I've had a couple of crushes, there's no one that has really gotten my attention and I'm ok with that. I'm not ignoring women, but I'm trying not to drive myself nuts trying to figure them out.

I think the biggest thing that I'm waiting on right now is to find a woman who is actually interested in finding out who I am, and I'm interested in finding out who they are. Most of the women I know aren't interested in who I am and don't show interest in the things I'm interested in. So that lets me know that even if they might have a crush on me they aren't really interested in who I am.

 

[micaela]

I think the biggest thing that I'm waiting on right now is to find a woman who is actually interested in finding out who I am, and I'm interested in finding out who they are. Most of the women I know aren't interested in who I am and don't show interest in the things I'm interested in. So that lets me know that even if they might have a crush on me they aren't really interested in who I am.

I struggle as a female to use my interest appropriately - meaning that I am always interested in getting to know who people are (especially males I might be interested in ).

This frequently means that a) the guy I'm not interested in gets the wrong idea because I'm being friendly, or b) the guy I am interested in thinks I'm too intense. I also find myself offended when someone I'm interested in or just friends with, doesn't seem to care about who I am/what makes me tick.

 

[boilerblues]

I struggle as a female to use my interest appropriately - meaning that I am always interested in getting to know who people are (especially males I might be interested in ).

This frequently means that a) the guy I'm not interested in gets the wrong idea because I'm being friendly, or b) the guy I am interested in thinks I'm too intense. I also find myself offended when someone I'm interested in or just friends with, doesn't seem to care about who I am/what makes me tick.

I'm always interested to know people, but if you spend regular time around someone things either go one way or the other usually. Either you find out enough about the person that you become not quite as interested, or you become more interested and dig deeper. It's the dig deeper part that is important to me. For instance, I'm a music nut. Besides Jesus Christ and associated topics, music is the thing that gets me really excited. If a woman finds this out, but shows no interest in knowing more about what kind of music I like, why, etc then that tells me she isn't interested in knowing who I am on a deeper level (because she isn't interested in the things that are important to me). If she is interested in knowing more that becomes a doorway to learning more about each other. Of course this interest has to go both ways, if she is interested in knowing more about me but I'm not interested in knowing more about her then I shut that door. If you keep digging deeper in knowing each other's lives and you both like what you find, then that may be the doorway to knowing each other on a romantic level.

This is mostly theory that I'm trying to put into words. I've never actually had a girlfriend, but I look at the relationships I've had with women that seemed to be in that direction and the ones where I felt a real relationship with a woman was where we actually interested in who each other really is as a person. I can say the majority of the women in my life our interest in each other is more a shared interest in something else, not as much an interest in knowing each other. We make an effort to know each other, but the interest stops because we find we're not interested in knowing more (at least at that time).

 

[wvmtnkid]

Okay, I know this isn't going to be universally true, but I'm trying to see if I have any kind of a general trend here. Let me know what you think...

The theory is that you have a guy and a girl and one says to the other "I really value your friendship."

1) If it's the guy speaking, he's dropping a hint that he wants to be "just friends," nothing more.

2) If it's the girl speaking, she's dropping a hint that she wants to be "more" than friends.

So how about it? Might there be something in this theory?

I agree with boilerblues in that I don't think it is necessarily gender specific. I think it depends on the situation. For myself, I have been told by a guy "let's just be friends" and that is just what they meant, and I have been told "let's be friends" but the other person really wanted more. I have also told a guy "let's be friends" and meant that friendship is all I wanted, and I have also used the line, but deep down hoping the friendship would develop into more once we got to know each other better.

Maybe it is just one of those easy catch phrases-in the same line as "I'll call you."

 

[Highland Watchman]

Okay, I know this isn't going to be universally true, but I'm trying to see if I have any kind of a general trend here. Let me know what you think...

The theory is that you have a guy and a girl and one says to the other "I really value your friendship."

1) If it's the guy speaking, he's dropping a hint that he wants to be "just friends," nothing more.

2) If it's the girl speaking, she's dropping a hint that she wants to be "more" than friends.

So how about it? Might there be something in this theory?

Well... I guess in some instances, that may be the case, but not necessarily.

I know that with some girls I know who have told me that they value my friendship, that if it does mean that they want something more, then I have REALLY got to watch myself and how I interpret everything else that these same women say... and I should probably also talk to them about it, especially if they already have boyfriends who are also friends of mine or if they have previously expressed disinterest.

On the other hand, if what I say would be interpreted from the mindset of someone who does hear these things as meaning more, then it will only show the power of the words that we speak, and it will illustrate to me only all the more that I should watch the things that I say, else I will end up in a very awkward situation...

 

[JPPT1974]

I don't want to have a relationship for all the wrong reasons. Because that compromises what the Lord wants for me. And also that the Lord's ways are always right. If we lean on Him for support and follow Him in His way and will, then we will be allowed to grow in Him.