Is this a reason to break up?

[AlyssaSpeaks]

Hi all,

I'm new to the forum because I really need some advice on what I should do.

I am in a one-year relationship with a Christian man. I've grown to love him and I do see him as someone I can marry.

However, there are a few factors that make me think perhaps I should give this up.

The biggest issue is perhaps age. He is 6 years younger than me and we are in different life stages. That was been a recurring issue for us, he thinks it's too early to think about marriage whereas it's the right time for me to think about it. This perhaps has caused the bigger issue I've recently discovered.

I have a feeling we may not be spiritually on the same level. He struggles with God on fundamental thoughts like: "what is my purpose?", "who does God want me to be", "why me?", "what is the purpose of repentance if I'm going to sin again"...etc. This eats him up inside, he struggles with these questions and more on a daily basis.

I don't. Maybe it's because all these questions are part of his character and personality, and I on the other hand, don't seem to have an issue, have never had this issue or even think of such questions.

So does this mean our relationship is doomed? Is it my problem because I've never gone through such a struggle and that's why I cannot relate to him? He is disappointed that i seem to be unable to have this Christian intellectual discourse with him and I am devastated I am unable to help him through it or even get that intellectual discourse going. He is looking for someone to have that kind of a conversation with him and he hopes it's me, but realizes I cannot.

What should I do?

 

[JAM2b]

It just depends. No one can know if this is the right guy for you. That is something only you can determine.

Really, a year is not a long time to get to know someone. I personally think it is too early. It takes a really long time to get to know someone very well, and even then you don't fully know them until you live with them in a marriage... and that takes time, too. You can spend a lifetime with someone, and still be learning new things about them. I don't believe it is healthy to choose a spouse you have known for less than 2 years.

As far as your age gap, what are your ages? This will make a difference because if the ages are 20/26 vs 40/46 it will have an effect on maturity levels. The older you get, the less of impact you will have. There is a lot of maturity and life experience that occurs during the 20's. Six years is not a huge gap if the two of you are both past your early 20's. Of course there are always exceptions for this, going both ways, but in general, as your gain decades age difference aren't a big deal.

This issue of one being ready for marriage and one not being ready may or may not be related to age. Some people are slow at committing for various reasons, no matter how old they are. Being slow to commit is not a bad thing, it's just a different way of approaching life. As a personal example, I'm in an eight year long relationship, and we have not married yet, even though we want to. Things in our life need to be dealt with, waited through, phases pasts, before we are able to submerse ourselves into a marriage. If you yourself are completely 100% ready to get married, you need to ask yourself if simply having a marriage is the goal, or if having a healthy marriage at the right time in a particular relationship is the goal. If you have doubts about your relationship with him being doomed, then you aren't ready to marry him, even if you are ready for marriage in general. It seems like you question who he is as a person based on his age, maturity, spirituality, where you want him to be in your relationship (ready for marriage), etc.

Sometimes some people struggle their whole life with spiritual questions. It doesn't mean they don't believe in God or that they lack faith. It just means that they don't take information or belief for granted. They want to fully understand and get the whole picture. The trouble with that is the whole picture, the whole of God, is too complex for humans to ever fully grasps. It is a sign of great strength for a person with many questions to still believe, in my opinion. There is value in wrestling with God, and Scripture says everyone has to work out their own salvation with trembling.

You may not be the person he can walk through his spiritual struggles with. That does not mean your relationship has to end. A lot of times what men need are other men to walk along side them spiritually. Men get each other in ways that women do not. Being in a relationship with someone, even a marriage, does not mean that you become everything for that person. No one is capable of meeting all of the needs of another person, no matter how much they love them. However, whether or not you are able to have those deep conversations with him, you can be supportive of his seeking and relationships with others who can encourage and help him grow, you can listen to him, and you can pray for him and with him. These things will go a very long way in your relationship.

You have to ask yourself if you love him for who he is and where he is in his life, and are you willing to always love him no matter what changes may come for him. If you do, then the relationship/marriage is worth being patient for. If not, then to be fair to both of you, you should consider letting the relationship go.

 

[AlyssaSpeaks]

It just depends. No one can know if this is the right guy for you. That is something only you can determine.

Really, a year is not a long time to get to know someone. I personally think it is too early. It takes a really long time to get to know someone very well, and even then you don't fully know them until you live with them in a marriage... and that takes time, too. You can spend a lifetime with someone, and still be learning new things about them. I don't believe it is healthy to choose a spouse you have known for less than 2 years.

As far as your age gap, what are your ages? This will make a difference because if the ages are 20/26 vs 40/46 it will have an effect on maturity levels. The older you get, the less of impact you will have. There is a lot of maturity and life experience that occurs during the 20's. Six years is not a huge gap if the two of you are both past your early 20's. Of course there are always exceptions for this, going both ways, but in general, as your gain decades age difference aren't a big deal.

This issue of one being ready for marriage and one not being ready may or may not be related to age. Some people are slow at committing for various reasons, no matter how old they are. Being slow to commit is not a bad thing, it's just a different way of approaching life. As a personal example, I'm in an eight year long relationship, and we have not married yet, even though we want to. Things in our life need to be dealt with, waited through, phases pasts, before we are able to submerse ourselves into a marriage. If you yourself are completely 100% ready to get married, you need to ask yourself if simply having a marriage is the goal, or if having a healthy marriage at the right time in a particular relationship is the goal. If you have doubts about your relationship with him being doomed, then you aren't ready to marry him, even if you are ready for marriage in general. It seems like you question who he is as a person based on his age, maturity, spirituality, where you want him to be in your relationship (ready for marriage), etc.

Sometimes some people struggle their whole life with spiritual questions. It doesn't mean they don't believe in God or that they lack faith. It just means that they don't take information or belief for granted. They want to fully understand and get the whole picture. The trouble with that is the whole picture, the whole of God, is too complex for humans to ever fully grasps. It is a sign of great strength for a person with many questions to still believe, in my opinion. There is value in wrestling with God, and Scripture says everyone has to work out their own salvation with trembling.

You may not be the person he can walk through his spiritual struggles with. That does not mean your relationship has to end. A lot of times what men need are other men to walk along side them spiritually. Men get each other in ways that women do not. Being in a relationship with someone, even a marriage, does not mean that you become everything for that person. No one is capable of meeting all of the needs of another person, no matter how much they love them. However, whether or not you are able to have those deep conversations with him, you can be supportive of his seeking and relationships with others who can encourage and help him grow, you can listen to him, and you can pray for him and with him. These things will go a very long way in your relationship.

You have to ask yourself if you love him for who he is and where he is in his life, and are you willing to always love him no matter what changes may come for him. If you do, then the relationship/marriage is worth being patient for. If not, then to be fair to both of you, you should consider letting the relationship go.

Thank you for this amazing reply. I understand 1 year is too short, we are actually closer to the 2 year mark but like you said its still too short. However, and this comes to the age gap issue, I am 28 and he is 22. You could say I am in a little bit of a hurry to talk marriage. I feel that if he is not the one I should move on "before its too late" in case I spend 5 or 6 years with him in vain.

Your 8 year relationship to me is admirable. How do you reconcile the worries of the relationship possibly not working out and potentially having wasted your time (if you do want kids that is)? For me, I believe marriage is a means of the next step, which is having kids. I don't believe that the guy must be the perfect one before I consider marriage to him. No one ever is married to the 'right' person, there will be disagreements, issues...etc, so to answer your question, yes I am ready for marriage because I know I would like to have kids. Whether I'm ready to marry him specifically, I don't think I will ever know. And the reason I said my relationship is doomed really stems from what he said that he thinks we need to be 'spiritually intellectually compatible'. To him, that is very important.

So that brings me to your very meaningful point on that I may not be the one to walk alongside him in these issues he's struggling with, but perhaps other men can better walk alongside him on this issue. He has mentioned his core group of 2-3 Christian male friends who can do so. The issue is, he wishes I can do that, and brought up the 'spiritually intellectually compatible' thing. He said, "Its very important in a relationship to be intellectually compatible." It implies that he thinks I'm not compatible with him spiritually because I am unable to walk alongside him and understand his struggles.

I do love him and I am willing to be patient for this relationship. I know I am all in. But I'll never know if he will be all in. Him mentioning his disappointment at me not being able to 'relate' to him in this spiritual matter makes me think that he may be questioning if I'm the right one for him instead.

I am disappointed too that I am unable to have these deep conversations with him and sometimes I wonder if he would be more 'fulfilled' if he could instead have a partner in life that could have such spiritual conversations with him, in addition (or instead) of having a man walk alongside him. What do you think I should do?

 

[fm107]

Hi Alyssa,

1. Make sure he is a genuine believer, I believe you already are starting to doubt whether he is, based upon the questions he is asking. This should make you want to take your foot off the pedal straight away because what you do not want is to be married to someone who in a few years time, falls away. You will be kicking yourself and it can lead to great distress for you. If anything, ask him more questions and satisfy yourself to the answer of that question.

2. Why is he in a relationship if he isn't contemplating marriage? That is odd to me.

3. You really want to get married to someone who can take the lead spiritually.

 

[rob_aston]

I do see him as someone I can marry.

honey, you marry one you can't live without, not someone you can live with

 

[Sketcher]

The biggest issue is perhaps age. He is 6 years younger than me and we are in different life stages. That was been a recurring issue for us, he thinks it's too early to think about marriage whereas it's the right time for me to think about it. This perhaps has caused the bigger issue I've recently discovered.

In another few years, that's not going to matter anymore. Do you want to be married more than you want to be with him specifically?

I have a feeling we may not be spiritually on the same level. He struggles with God on fundamental thoughts like: "what is my purpose?", "who does God want me to be", "why me?", "what is the purpose of repentance if I'm going to sin again"...etc. This eats him up inside, he struggles with these questions and more on a daily basis.

I don't. Maybe it's because all these questions are part of his character and personality, and I on the other hand, don't seem to have an issue, have never had this issue or even think of such questions.

I'm surprised you've never been there. If you haven't been there, you will be there.

So does this mean our relationship is doomed? Is it my problem because I've never gone through such a struggle and that's why I cannot relate to him? He is disappointed that i seem to be unable to have this Christian intellectual discourse with him and I am devastated I am unable to help him through it or even get that intellectual discourse going. He is looking for someone to have that kind of a conversation with him and he hopes it's me, but realizes I cannot.

Why not?

 

[JAM2b]

Your 8 year relationship to me is admirable. How do you reconcile the worries of the relationship possibly not working out and potentially having wasted your time (if you do want kids that is)? For me, I believe marriage is a means of the next step, which is having kids. I don't believe that the guy must be the perfect one before I consider marriage to him. No one ever is married to the 'right' person, there will be disagreements, issues...etc, so to answer your question, yes I am ready for marriage because I know I would like to have kids.

I'm sorry it has taken a while for me to respond. I've been putting thought into this.

First, to answer your question about my relationship, we are older than you. I'm turning 40 and he is 34. During the earlier years of our relationship it was an on again/off again kind of thing. Even the times it was "off" we still stayed close and could not stand not having contact with each other. I think the longest we ever spent not talking was 2 months , and it was very early in the relationship. We had broken up then he started dating another woman. We were miserable for those two months while he dated her because we missed each other. So to say that we have been waiting for marriage for 8 years straight is not accurate because there were some times when we weren't even considering ourselves in a relationship. The last 3-4 years our relationship has been consistent and steady. We are very determined to be in each others lives for the rest of our lives.

I've been previously married and have two sons from my first marriage. The oldest just turned 18. I have some health problems and that combined with my age makes it feel like having more children is not option for me. As far as my boyfriend, he doesn't hate kids, but has never had a desire to father children. He understands that I will always want to be there for my sons in anyway they need, even after they are grown, and if I have grandchildren my intention will be that they will be a huge part of my life if my kids allow me to be part of theirs. He is supportive of all this, and is encouraging about it.

Our goal is not simply to get married, but to have a healthy marriage when it is time. If you rush a relationship, rush it into marriage, then it is more likely to not work out. We have not married yet because of the circumstances of our lives. He travels a lot for work, and has been struggling to get his own business up and running. It may sound like he has a lot of money, but the reality is that pretty much all he has is sunk into the business at the time being. When we do get married, we will be living in another part of the country. I am raising my sons, and won't uproot them for a move that might not last because of his work/business, and then move them again. There is also the matter of sharing them with their father. We have to be close enough to be able to afford travel back and forth for their visits. Also, if they are with their father and there is an emergency, I want to be able to get to them as quickly as possible.

If we were to get married under these circumstances, it could create a major amount of stress on the relationship. Being very much in love, and also knowing that these issues are important but not going to last forever, and the issue of having more children is not on the list, makes it possible for us to be patient about getting married much later than most people probably would like for themselves. Earlier in our relationship when I felt I still had the potential to have another baby or two, and he was willing to being open to the idea, I did feel more rushed about marriage. However, I did not push it to that because I was aware of the other concerns and having a healthy marriage was more important to me than pushing into one that would invite too much stress.

 

[JAM2b]

No time in a relationship is wasted. Not even in bad relationships. There is always so much to learn about people, yourself, and how to function with others in life. However, NEVER allow yourself to be harmed in anyway! Anyone should put a stop to it quickly if there is abuse, even mild abuse.

If you're thinking of marriage as a step to obtaining another goal (having kids) then you're looking at marriage all wrong. There is a primal need for the human race to procreate, but we've got that handled to the point of over population. Say you get marriage with the goal of having a family. You may or may not ever have any children. If you have children, you might loose them (God forbid). If you have children and they survive to adulthood, they are going to grow up, move away, have their own life, and you only get to be involved with them as much as they allow you to. So, from their birth to adulthood, you're looking at roughly 18-25 years of them needing you (trust me, as the mother of an 18 year old, that is not a long time), then they are grown and gone. You have the rest of your life to spend with this guy who "was" a good father. If the relationship was based on raising a family, what will it be like when that phase is over? What will be left to the marriage?

Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with the goal of having children, and it is part of most marriages. One of my life dreams when I was growing up was to have a happy marriage with children, and my husband was going to be the best husband and father. It was all very idealistic and romanticized. So I get it. It's just that it is not a healthy thing to pursue marriage for the purpose of having children. The pursuit of marriage should be to have a lasting, healthy, and committed relationship with another human. Period. Marriage shouldn't be a step. It should be the goal.

 

[JAM2b]

As far as the spiritual and intellectual compatibility.. I'll be honest, I'm kind of baffled on that.

Intellectually you seem very bright and well spoken. Spiritually, not everyone struggles. Scripture says that faith is a gift given from God, and people get different measures of it. So, at the risk of sounding like I'm contradicting my first reply about this, I think that there is nothing wrong with you being where you are spiritually. There's nothing wrong with him being where he is.

There is a difference between not understanding a spiritual matter and not having faith. The two are independent of each other. Faith does not require understanding. Likewise, you can understand a lot, but have little to no faith.

I don't like that he commented about intellectual compatibility. That sounds like a fancy way of saying he thinks you aren't intelligent. Isn't he the one with the struggle here? Or is he saying that you are at a higher level than he is? Does it bother him that, in his perception, you are better than he is?

If he thinks he is deeper or more intelligent, Don't let him use spiritual matters to mentally abuse you and control you and the relationship. I'm not saying that is what's happening, I'm just saying keep your eyes open and stand up for yourself.

I wonder if there is some emotional block or differences in maturity when it comes to discussion about this topic. Maybe there is a breakdown in communication?

He is rather young. Younger adults tend to have more idealistic views and demands from life and other people that older adults just don't. And no one realizes how immature they are until they have grown past it and look back. Maturity has effects that are not always obvious. You can make responsible choices, and behave in respectable ways, while still being immature in your thinking, emotions, and expectations.

It sounds like he is expecting you to fit a mold. He is wanting you to be/do something you are not, to fit his idealistic expectations. I think you have two choices in regard to this. You can patiently allow him to go through this process and see where he ends up in all of that and how he grows as a person. You can try to join him in it, but don't push yourself beyond what you are comfortable with or capable of, and don't allow yourself to be pushed into being someone you are not. Give him time to grow up a little more. Or you can take a step back from the relationship and say that he is too young for you. No one can know what you should do. This is something you have to decide on your own.

If he says that you have to be like he wants or you can't be in a relationship, then the relationship is not worth clinging to. It could be it comes down to that, and then later he grows up and realizes that was a mistake. If you are still available and want to give him another chance, that's a choice you get to make. At this point in your relationship, it could go so many ways. Just don't allow yourself to be a doormat, used, or manipulated emotionally or spiritually. At this stage you don't owe him anything. You only give and do what you want to and are capable of.

I don't think poorly of him for his spiritual struggle. I think it can be a very good thing for him. However putting demands on you about it is not appropriate. His burden is not yours. There needs to be some recognition of boundaries, even spiritual ones. The two of you do not share one brain or one heart. You each have your own heart and mind. You each have your own separate spirit and soul, and it will remain that way, even after you get married. Joining together does not mean being absorbed or infiltrated by the other person. Each person remains their own individual person. This is scriptural Philipians 2:12 "...work out your own salvation..." It does not say, "work out your own salvation unless you have a girlfriend, then make this woman you have not committed to yet help you."