is this a controlling person?

tbstor

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I can't speak with 100% certainty on the situation, as I am not nearly as aware of the details as you are. However, I can relate to your boyfriend in having "experienced negative effects of alcohol from family members who had problems with it." Some people grow up seeing loved ones deteriorate from alcoholism. Or perhaps someone close to him became abusive when under the influence of alcohol. Regardless, I know that I always feel anxious and uncomfortable when I'm around people who drink (even if I generally trust the people).

I would just encourage you to be mindful. He might genuinely feel uncomfortable when you drink. That is something he should work through, but that can take time.
 
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A_Thinker

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i have been dating someone for a little over one year. we are compatible in every day. we are christian, both pursue God with reckless abandon. we did have conflict on the topic of alcohol.
he grew up in a family where alcohol was not present...he drank a little bit once in awhile in we first started dating. i would usually just have some wine with my family or friends, not often.
he experienced negative effects of alcohol from family members who had problems with it. he also saw the negative effects of alcohol in his school years. i actually also had some negatives experiences as I abused it in college, before I came to know Christ. perhaps God brought this man into my life so that I never go down that path again? I am unsure.
he would like for us to have the same mindset on it. that we mostly steer clear of it. he reminds me he isn't trying to control me, and wants me to make decisions on my own. he gets upset if i do drink however because he feels that i am not even trying to understand his mindset and ignoring his feelings.
the more i think about it, the more i think i may want to not drink anymore either. i just get anxious because i do not want to be controlled and i am unsure if this is a valid fear or if this is just a fear that i need to give to God. i think the Enemy may have fed me the thoughts that "he doesn't like you the way you are." or "you are not enough."
my family and a few friends have said to be cautious as it seems controlling. however, he doesn't exhibit any other controlling behaviors whatsoever. would it really be so bad if i also decided to give this up? i never want to feel resentful. i know the Bible also says that we should not be a stumbling block for others. has anyone experienced anything like this, or any thoughts? is it bad to change for another person?
My wife and I had a similar difference in experience with alcohol.

Neither her family, nor mine, made a habit of drinking to excess, ... but she did have some uncles who had had major issues with alcoholism. Because of that, she preferred that we not drink ... and that we not have alcohol in the house. Also, she had two young sons who she preferred not to expose to alcohol.

At that point, I made the decision to honor my future wife's wishes (alcohol not being a big part of my life anyway).

These are the kind of things that couples compromise over. Sometimes we decide to do things her way, sometimes my way, sometimes some kind of compromise. The point is to do the best thing to sustain a good relationship.
 
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bèlla

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I think its important to be forthright about the things you enjoy before making a commitment. I like having a glass of wine and champagne and wouldn’t give them up. But I have no interest in drugs of any sort. I wouldn’t form an alliance with someone who felt differently.

I won’t ask them to change. Compatibility matters more. Compromise has its place but you can’t change anyone. If you aren’t committed to abstaining it will be difficult to maintain.

~Bella
 
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Brightmoon

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He wants to make a decision for you that you’re not comfortable with him making . You need to let him know that YOURE the one who’s going to make up your mind about this . It’s not about the alcohol .Some men like to be controlling. If he does this too often about other things , then it’s a red flag .
 
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Sketcher

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i have been dating someone for a little over one year. we are compatible in every day. we are christian, both pursue God with reckless abandon. we did have conflict on the topic of alcohol.
he grew up in a family where alcohol was not present...he drank a little bit once in awhile in we first started dating. i would usually just have some wine with my family or friends, not often.
he experienced negative effects of alcohol from family members who had problems with it. he also saw the negative effects of alcohol in his school years. i actually also had some negatives experiences as I abused it in college, before I came to know Christ. perhaps God brought this man into my life so that I never go down that path again? I am unsure.
he would like for us to have the same mindset on it. that we mostly steer clear of it. he reminds me he isn't trying to control me, and wants me to make decisions on my own. he gets upset if i do drink however because he feels that i am not even trying to understand his mindset and ignoring his feelings.
the more i think about it, the more i think i may want to not drink anymore either. i just get anxious because i do not want to be controlled and i am unsure if this is a valid fear or if this is just a fear that i need to give to God. i think the Enemy may have fed me the thoughts that "he doesn't like you the way you are." or "you are not enough." Now, alcohol is absolutely something I do not need. It is just something that I enjoy once in awhile. The anxiety I feel stems from the fear of controlling or fear of feeling resentful.
my family and a few friends have said to be cautious as it seems controlling. however, he doesn't exhibit any other controlling behaviors whatsoever. would it really be so bad if i also decided to give this up? i never want to feel resentful. i know the Bible also says that we should not be a stumbling block for others. has anyone experienced anything like this, or any thoughts? is it bad to change for another person?
I personally enjoy alcohol in moderation, but I recognize it can be pretty serious and this is probably something that you two should compromise on, and stick to. My folks did that, and they're still together. They've fought about a number of things (all couples will), but that wasn't one of them that I knew about.
 
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mjk1988

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I personally enjoy alcohol in moderation, but I recognize it can be pretty serious and this is probably something that you two should compromise on, and stick to. My folks did that, and they're still together. They've fought about a number of things (all couples will), but that wasn't one of them that I knew about.
Did your folks compromise on this topic or just compromising on things in general? I am trying to think of what compromise might look like in my case because I agree there should be compromise.
 
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Sketcher

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Did your folks compromise on this topic or just compromising on things in general? I am trying to think of what compromise might look like in my case because I agree there should be compromise.
They talk about a lot of things and come to agreements.
 
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