Is there a last chance?

[Needs Help]

deleted

 

[Endeavourer]

You are the wife (female) and your spouse is the husband (male)? The two friends that you developed friendships with are males?

It was hard to follow the genders in your narrative. While both genders are equal, we each react differently so my advice would depend upon genders.

Was your spouse using porn during the sexless years of your marriage?

 

[Needs Help]

I am the male, the spouse is my wife. I left gender unbiased because I posted to several forums, and didn't want gender to play a part in the advice. During the sexless years, I'm honestly not sure if she was using pornography. It isn't a topic I was comfortable inquiring about.

 

[Endeavourer]

OK, good to know. That you are the male gives a lot more hope in your situation.

In general, men are very attractive to women when they pursue (effectively), whereas women are very unattractive to men when they pursue. You can pursue your wife to win her back.

You have two extremely urgent issues to resolve initially before you can work on anything else:

a) Do you engage in anger outbursts to your wife? Anger is an emotional reaction designed to punish the other person for their behavior, so it would include actual verbal outbursts, but also sarcasm, silent treatment, cutting comments delivered in a calm tone, etc etc. No matter what heroic measures you take to pursue your wife, her interest in you will not grow if you have anger outbursts.

b) Immediately - as in YESTERDAY - cease ALL contact with either of those two women that had caught your fancy or your friendship. Opposite sex friendships are ENORMOUS hazards to marriages as they very commonly lead to affairs. If you have an affair, you will set off a nuclear bomb in your already troubled marriage which will make the work to recover it exponentially more difficult. Your kids do not need playmates, they need an intact home. Stop all play mating activity and all fellowshipping with other moms. Cold turkey and right now. Do NOT pursue adult conversation with other females. Pursue that with your wife or with males.

The next question I have for you is about these two females. Can you describe how far your interaction with them went? Also, with these women, did you:
- discuss your frustrations about your wife
- talk about your marriage

Any suggestions on how to eliminate your wife's perception of these "affairs" would rest on your answers to these questions.

 

[RedPonyDriver]

Do not EVER discuss your marriage with another person...especially one of the opposite sex that you are friends with. Just DO NOT. Discussions about your marriage should be held with your spouse and pastor or marriage counselor. That's it.

As regards household chores...whoever has the time does the chores. And, if one doesn't like the way the other does them, then the one can do them. Otherwise...shut up about it and be happy it's getting done.

OP, you sound like you're bored out of your skull and not really cut out for the stay at home thing. My advice, put the kids in school/daycare and go back to working out of an office instead of at home.

So...STOP talking to other women (that's just a bad idea all the way around as you are male and married), go back to working out of an office, put the kids in school/daycare, and you and your wife figure out a way to split chores and kids that works for both of you.

 

[Endeavourer]

What do you think of this article?

The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. - Marriage Builders®

 

[Endeavourer]

OP, you sound like you're bored out of your skull and not really cut out for the stay at home thing. My advice, put the kids in school/daycare and go back to working out of an office instead of at home.

OP, what do you think of this? Could RedPonyDriver's advice be hitting the mark?

The kids need an intact home with two parents that are in love with each other FAR more than they need a stay at home parent.

If both options are not available, choose the marriage because that is choosing the children.

 

[Needs Help]

OP, what do you think of this? Could RedPonyDriver's advice be hitting the mark?

The kids need an intact home with two parents that are in love with each other FAR more than they need a stay at home parent.

If both options are not available, choose the marriage because that is choosing the children.

Quite the opposite. I LOVE being a stay at home dad. It's honestly been the only fulfilling thing I've done in my life.

 

[Needs Help]

OK, good to know. That you are the male gives a lot more hope in your situation.

In general, men are very attractive to women when they pursue (effectively), whereas women are very unattractive to men when they pursue. You can pursue your wife to win her back.

You have two extremely urgent issues to resolve initially before you can work on anything else:

a) Do you engage in anger outbursts to your wife? Anger is an emotional reaction designed to punish the other person for their behavior, so it would include actual verbal outbursts, but also sarcasm, silent treatment, cutting comments delivered in a calm tone, etc etc. No matter what heroic measures you take to pursue your wife, her interest in you will not grow if you have anger outbursts.

b) Immediately - as in YESTERDAY - cease ALL contact with either of those two women that had caught your fancy or your friendship. Opposite sex friendships are ENORMOUS hazards to marriages as they very commonly lead to affairs. If you have an affair, you will set off a nuclear bomb in your already troubled marriage which will make the work to recover it exponentially more difficult. Your kids do not need playmates, they need an intact home. Stop all play mating activity and all fellowshipping with other moms. Cold turkey and right now. Do NOT pursue adult conversation with other females. Pursue that with your wife or with males.

The next question I have for you is about these two females. Can you describe how far your interaction with them went? Also, with these women, did you:
- discuss your frustrations about your wife
- talk about your marriage

Any suggestions on how to eliminate your wife's perception of these "affairs" would rest on your answers to these questions.

We both have fits of anger, but I've had anger issues in the pasts so I try to take a very passive approach, or take a break from the conversation when I feel anger rising.

I've ceased contact with both. My wife and I do have adult conversations, and in terms of friendship, I'm not comfortable with men. I find the chauvinistic mentality disgusting and frustrating. I have a few gay male friends, but I've been accused of being gay throughout my life as well as I tend to be much more in touch with the female mindset than most.

The interactions I had with these other two females were conversational only. I did discuss my frustrations in my marriage, but only for the purpose of advice. I tend to live my life as an open book, and I feel the more advice I can obtain, the best I can find the best route for myself. I've never discussed things with others that i haven't first discussed with my wife

 

[Endeavourer]

Contrary to popular memes, jealousy is usually a GOOD thing in marriages because it erupts when one spouse perceives a threat to the marriage. Your wife's indicators are telling her there is danger around. And from your description, I agree with her.

In the right conditions, we are all wired for affairs and few of us would find the fortitude to refrain from them. You are putting yourself in those conditions constantly and at some point you may very well cross the line. From your description, you are a walking affair waiting to happen. You have made a fabulous decision to reach out for advice before this tragedy occurs in your marriage and family.

We have a love bank account with every person we interact with. When you develop an opposite sex friendship, you are inviting that person to make more deposits than they would ordinarily make during the course of acquaintanceship. At some point those deposits will grow until a very good friendship is formed, which is a very dangerous area for a married man to operate within because with continued interaction, the deposits will continue to grow until you cross a threshold of being in love with the other person. Once this threshold is crossed, you will feel an irresistible addiction to this person and will be inordinately tempted to continue to deepen your love bank account with her, up to and including sexual relations.

You are courting are opposite sex friendships which have grown to the point you have even started discussing your marital problems. That is an enormously important threshold that you should never cross because it accelerates the amount of deposits which you and the opposite sex person allow each other to make.

In addition to the article I linked above regarding opposite sex friendships, what do you think of this article?

relink: The Risk of Opposite-sex Friendships in Marriage by Willard F. Harley, Jr., Ph.D. - Marriage Builders®

and:

Escaping the Jaws of Infidelity: How to Avoid an Affair Letter #1