Is Separating Biblical?

[twobecomeone]

Greeting Brothers and Sisters in Christ:


Forgive me for this being VERY long and thank you in advance for those who take the time to answer their sibling in Christ . Please no bashing as I am a sinner too who also takes 50% accountability for my marital conflict. God is righteous and I too must give an account for my bad behavior in this marriage as well. I would like some Christian feedback and (Christian) Pastoral feedback submitted in love. Thank you.


I would like to get some advice (telling me what I need to hear not what I want to hear) about whether I have biblical grounds to separate from my Spouse, or am I forcing/causing my him to possibly sin because I want to separate and also am sinning myself. I am married to an unbeliever (who says he believes in God). Before marriage, I considered myself “Christian” but did not get saved until a couple of years ago and now have spiritual maturity thanks to my Almighty Father and Jesus Messiah. We married very young and without approval. I had very low self-esteem because of my sins and did not get to know my Spouse well. I took him “believing” in God as being “Christian.” However, he believes I should obey/submit fully to God and himself equally. In my opinion, and based on his culture, he does not have that “Christian” fear of God.


I have tried over the years to lie in the bed I made because I dishonored God by marrying someone I should not have. He refuses counseling or going to church with me to speak with my Pastor (he says I can go but am not allowed to speak about him). We have had some good times and been kind to one another. He has also been helpful when I needed him and affectionate at times even when I have been cold in my heart to him or non-reciprocating (see below for my reason why). However, when the fights happen, they are very bad (see below for some of the actions to our arguments). I just need time to heal. But he said if we separate it will be my fault if he does not want to reconcile and if he “moves” on with his life (he won’t tell me what “moves” on means and I have no idea if that means with another women). We come from different cultures and I learned over time his culture supports abuse to women, authoritarian, and majority do not believe in Jesus.


I now see how severe being unequally yoked is and have prayed to God to forgive me/us for joining this union without seeking him. I am so grateful for the blood of Jesus as well over me and my life. God has protected me in so many ways when I needed Him. I pray daily for him to be saved and turn to repentance and accept Jesus. I have made a mockery of Christ and the Church and Gods precious covenant. Our arguments get so bad and we both blow up (me specifically from not saying anything for so long and/or blowing up trying to get an answer for why he lied about wanting kids). I am currently in the process of getting Christian counseling at my church to heal and separate from him. However, I still have time to Not separate.


What used to be physical and verbal abuse (threats, intimidation etc) is now verbal and spiritual abuse (with some physical abuse [blocking /grabbing me from leaving] if it gets really bad). I have tried to force him to leave the home, but he refuses. So now, I will have an opportunity to move out on my own. I am fearful that I may be dishonoring God and Jesus, my covenant to God, and the picture of marriage if I do this. What if this is the cross I am to bear? Plus, my Spouse says it will be my fault for breaking the marriage if he “moves” on (again, he won’t tell me what “moves on” means, I think women, but he says its not). Biblically, I understand I am supposed to stay with my unbelieving Spouse.


I have been searching for a few years what to do and there’s mixed messages out there for women like me. I also hope this will help other women in my situation who are scared and ashamed to speak up. I know I am not alone (God, Jesus, The Holy Spirit are with me). I volunteer at church and have great fellowship with my brethren’s in Christ who hug me, accept me, and are happy to see me as well as I . I have internal peace with my Father and Jesus. His Word encourages me daily and He is my Best Friend (I have no outside friends). Please tell me if I have biblical grounds to separate based on the following below:


Physically and verbal abuse: In the past - told to kill myself because of my sins, said I shouldn’t have friends because of my sins, used physical abuse to punish me on ‘behalf of God’ for my sins and because I give him ‘attitudes,’ calling me harlot, [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], B-word… the physical acts (the way he has done it) and the verbal attacks have left me traumatized, ashamed, and embarrassed. At times, I did fight or yell back when they happened, but that made it worse. He shames me for grieving over this.


Kids/Lying: Lied about wanting kids (we agreed to kids before marriage) --- I got suspicious why he kept prolonging it all these years only to find out he doesn’t want kids from an imperfect women. Our goal was to improve our marriage so we could have them. I’m much older now (between 30-40 yrs old) and kids will be harder to have. This is devastating me (because I would have never married him) and I try not to make it an idol by putting God first. There are also some other ‘deal breaker’ lies he’s told me before/during marriage and his response to the ones before marriage was because he loved me. He uses kids to coerce me into getting what he wants or to win a fight (if you don’t do/tell me this and that, we’re not having kids or we’re not having kids because of this and that). He shames me for grieving this and said I should be ashamed to want to have them yet uses kids to get what he wants or to win a fight.


I also understand that no kids could be a response to God’s Will for me. Maybe because of these things he doesn’t want me bringing kids into this marriage (I would want them in Church and he doesn’t agree) and I understand if this is His Will because his Grace is enough.


Intimacy: No intimacy because he said ‘doesn’t want to have kids’. When I plead/complain it occurs but very rare.


Privacy: Issues with viewing phone or hearing conversations with friends/family/others (keeps phone close to him everywhere). Recently, he says I can view it anytime, but his actions tells me otherwise. I don’t know if he’s cheating, but I thought for a long time (but have no proof or hintsHe works a lot and spends time with his family/friends. I spend on avg about 6 hrs or less a week with him.


Authoritarian: He is and will always be right. Men are supposed to be prideful and it’s the women’s responsibility to fix a bad marriage/relationship. He blames me for not knowing how to lead.



Financial Infidelity: I have and am the breadwinner this entire marriage. Leaving will take the majority of the income we have away. I told him I am burdened and had forced him to contribute financially to help me which he now does. He doesn’t believe women should stay at home (and not for long after pregnancy) and must work. He doesn’t believe it’s fair that a man is supposed to be the breadwinner. My money is also used for emergencies as well. He has his own money on the side, some he hides and other’s I find out about. He has no problem providing for his family or helping friends out.


Family/Friends: Puts his family and friends before me and our marriage- He defends his family and friends against me when I bring up concerns. When he has a concern with my family, I have handled the concerns. Our families do not talk to each other. His family does not talk to me. His friends do not like me. His family/friend think I’m the problem (he never put me first or sets boundaries with them) and they think he is being treated badly by me.


I admit I have given them attitudes before but it was based on my jealousy of them seeing him differently than I do. His family and friends have spoken badly about me and my family. Note: I am highly educated, have a degree, and with the Lord’s grace, have a good and stable job. Most of my family member are successfully and have businesses. Also, I am financially responsible (pay my bills early and have not put us in debt). His family, friends, and him have dinners, b-days, celebrations, and events without me, they do not invite me and he does not push for it. He has also allowed his friends to lie to me.


He believes it’s my fault with the way they treat me when I tell him my concerns and states he will not fix it because a man is not supposed to get involved with females (ex. Mother in law vs me, sister in law vs me, etc.) and he will not cause problems in his family because of me. When I used to go to family and friend gathering with him, he would leave me alone, his family would isolate me and even taking family pictures without me. At times his family female friends would flirt with him in front of me and he would allow it. I told him my concerns but have been told it’s my fault. I no longer go with him to friends/ family events because of this.


When I have reached out to his family to make amends and try to show the Jesus in me, they ignore me and he still defends them. My family is cordial because I set boundaries with them. However, I have limited talking to my family about him because of all the negative things he (and his family) say about them.


Finally, I also believe (although they have not said it directly) based on their interaction with me that they have a problem with the fact that I am not a girl from their culture nor a girl that ‘looks’ like or ‘similarly looks’ like a girl from their culture if this makes sense… My family has no problem with him, they just worry about me and wonder why we have no kids yet. He says he owes his family everything and he owes me nothing.


Spiritual abuse: Since I have been dedicated to following Christ (he has been watching me for a while to see if I would commit to it which I have) he uses verbiage like “I thought you were a Christian” “Christian’s don’t do this and that” “what would your pastor think” even going as far as to say (a lot more than usual)--“I am the Man and I make the rules etc” (using ‘headship’ and ‘submission’ to tell me what to do because I am a Christian women who should submit). He is an unbeliever who has read the bible, but believes he is better than any Christian and I am low class compare to him because of my sins. Sometimes he would ask me about my faith (which I get excited to answer) but later, I find out it is an attempt to twist my words and use against me.


Unrepentant: He rarely apologizes and blames me when he acts out or says hurtful things. He expects me to apologize (whether my fault or his) every time. When I tell him what he’s doing wrong, he will turn it around on me or bring up my faults. I admit I do give him attitudes at time and act out when he comes to me to be affectionate. I try hard to keep my heart from being hard and resentful but at times I do fail. Especially when he wants to be affectionate when I have been offended by him and he hasn’t apologized. He is unrepentant about the physical abuse and feels it does not count because my sins before him were bad. He also says that I am separating to punish him (and all kinds of stuff I’m not thinking about) and that I’m not acting like a Christian. I’m not punishing him, I have a fear of God and don’t want to offend God. I just need time to heal and my health (and finances) has gotten bad from this. I do exercise and eat as healthy as possible to help with the health issue (stress, anxiety, stomach and head issues) and to also honor God.


I have tried to win him over without a word (1 Peter 3) and surprisingly it gets better ---because I am not saying a word, being kind, and don’t retaliate when he offends me. So he is happy and things are good. But I suffer internally and my health gets bad.


Household: I take care of the household (cleaning, trash, laundry). He is very messy and will leave things/food messes on the floor because he knows I will clean it. When I have told him to start cleaning up, he helps for a few days, but then it stops.


He says he loves me and yes, he has been trying to make it work---but in his own way. He has also supported me with other things when I needed it. But when we fight, I get hopeless and want to leave because of all the nasty things he can say to me when they get bad. He has not given me time to heal and expects reciprocation to his affection or loving and gets angry when I don’t reciprocate. Even when I tell him why I cannot be affectionate (need time to heal) he gets very angry, tells me to get over it, and blames me for not fixing the marriage. I am trying to civilly separate but its blowing up and talking is getting difficult.

I pray, and I feel I need to go, but I don’t want it to be the devil tempting me. I felt I was convicted by the Holy Spirit to ask all my brothers and sisters for feedback because I am desperately confused. I have started the process of working on my savings, but he’s not cooperating on bills. I’m looking at my future and who will take care of me and also because I need to heal as I want to be the best ambassador for Christ as much as I can J. I am fatigued and have given up wanting to work this out and threatening to separate. Now, that I am seriously separating and he realizes it, its blowing up. It’s been too many years of a rollercoaster and I also feel financially taken advantage of. Thank you all for reading and please feel free to leave me scriptures to help me with this as well. I fear God more than I fear him so I want to do what’s right even if it means bearing this burden.

That is why I am asking. Thank you again, and please, just advice and no retaliation/anger towards my Spouse. God has put me in a position that I can be stable and I am safe in His arms. But I want to make sure I am following the steps he provides for me . May the Almighty Lord draw each and every one of us closer and closer to Him. Amen.

 

[Rescued One]

The Bible doesn't address separation. However, when there is physical abuse, I say it's time to find a safe place (shelter for abused women).

Ephesians 5 NIV
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing b her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body.

Don't quote that to him. He sounds like a dangerous narcissist!

1. They frequently threaten you
2. They make you feel guilty
3. They act entitled
4. They believe they’re someone very special
5. They act as if rules don’t apply to them
6. They’re hot, then cold
7. They have an obsessive focus on the external
8. They’re manipulative

"I’m not one to judge as every person is different and every narcissist has different qualities. If the person is manipulative or verbally abusive and shows no signs of remorse or empathy towards you at any point, you need to get out now."
https://www.goalcast.com/2018/04/02/in-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist/

I'll be praying for you.

 

[Endeavourer]

Dear Twobecomeone,

You are suffering from severe abuse and gaslighting.

You are desperately trying to sin level (compare any sins you commit in the response to abuse to the sin of the abuse), and are learning it isn't working. Your health is suffering. It will never work.

Your health will get worse. After being under this oppression and personalized abuse for so long your body has started to suffer. For females, once the body starts to suffer it is difficult to reverse if it goes to far (ask me how I know!!). Our bodies are not made to withstand long term abuse like this.

Further, your husband has no reason to change his behavior. He has made the consequences of doing anything but appeasing his behavior so terrible that you don't dare to do much more than protect him in is perpetrations against you.

You need to give him a reason to change his behavior. If it were me, I would change the locks on the house and put his stuff in bags at the end of the driveway. If you are not quite as brave as that (and I wouldn't have been back when I was in the place you were), you can simply move out yourself. However, if you stop supporting his household (as you should) you may have credit and financial considerations that would cause you to continue to enable his behavior by supporting him. That's why it's best for you to put him out. Looking back from my journey through an abusive marriage, locking him out would have been the ideal way to protect myself from his behavior and thrust ALL of the consequences of it upon him.

If you want help to do this, a forum operated by a Christian marriage specialist at marriagebuilders.com has volunteers who are very experienced with walking abused spouses through the process of separating from abusivers.

Sadly, it is ENORMOUSLY difficult to get abused wives to protect themselves by separating. Proof of that is how long you have suffered under this severe abuse. You are like a frog that was slowly boiled. Right now your water is at a raging boil but you can't see it for yourself.

Also, there is a poor application of Scriptures used particularly by certain churches that your husband is using against you. Christ does not desire your sacrifice in the face of marital abuse. Abuse being perpetrated against you is abhorrent in his sight and Christ does NOT require (or want) you to stick it out or submit to it.

First deal with your immediate crisis of escaping this abuse, and then after you are separated, spend some time on cryingoutforjustice.blog which will help you see how the Scriptures do NOT require women to submit to abusive husbands.

 

[Endeavourer]

Please no bashing as I am a sinner too who also takes 50% accountability for my marital conflict.

This is the bulk of your problem. You have been trying to accept 50% of the accountability for the abuse you are recieving. That's not how it works.

God is righteous

Yes, He is, and He hates it when a man engages in treachery against the wife of his youth.

Malachi 2:14Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. 16For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. 17Ye have wearied the LORD with your words. Yet ye say, Wherein have we wearied him? When ye say, Every one that doeth evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and he delighteth in them; or, Where is the God of judgment?​

(Some say this verse means God hates divorce. As you can see from the context, that is incorrect. God hates the treachery which is the cause for divorce.)​

Spine up, sister. You are a precious daughter of the King!! Don't allow someone to abuse and disrespect you, and thereby your King.

Matt 25:40: And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.​

 

[RDKirk]

The bible does address separation:

To the married [both believers] I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. -- 1 Corinthians 7

Because you are a believer and he is not, another provision also applies:

To the rest [believers married to unbelievers] I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

 

[Endeavourer]

The bible does address separation:

And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

This sounds very much like an unbeliever who does not want to live with her:

Physically and verbal abuse: In the past - told to kill myself because of my sins, said I shouldn’t have friends because of my sins, used physical abuse to punish me on ‘behalf of God’ for my sins and because I give him ‘attitudes,’ calling me harlot, [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], B-word… the physical acts (the way he has done it) and the verbal attacks have left me traumatized, ashamed, and embarrassed. At times, I did fight or yell back when they happened, but that made it worse. He shames me for grieving over this.

According to that Scripture, she only must not divorce him if he is willing to live with her. The converse would also then be true. If he is unwilling to live with her, she may divorce him.

Her husband has demonstrated in many and multiple ways that he despises her and will continue to abuse her. That he is not willing to live with her. "Willing to live with her" does not mean hardly willing to tolerate her, barely short of killing her (on a good day -note his prior physical abuse!). Willing to live with her means a hearty approval to live with her, which he has definitely not demonstrated!

4909 syneudokéō (from 4862 /sýn, "identity with" and 2106 /eudokéō, "seems good") – properly, to consent in a "hearty" (personal) way, in keeping with the close identification involved (note the syn); enthusiastically agree to cooperate with a partner to reach solutions, i.e. to achieve the things both have committed to do together.​

Her husband in no fashion fits this description. She is not to divorce him if he fits this description. He does not even remotely try to, so according to the verse, she may divorce him.

A woman in her situation is likely a few months away from a health breakdown. Note she has already indicated it is affecting her health. Immediate separation is called for to protect her safety, followed by divorce if he is not willing to resume living with her in the fashion described under the definition above. She should remain separated at least a year even if he tries to come back sooner claiming repentance/change. It takes at least a year to prove out a change from behavior that has been this bad.

 

[Endeavourer]

It takes at least a year to prove out a change from behavior that has been this bad.

Physically and verbal abuse: In the past - told to kill myself because of my sins, said I shouldn’t have friends because of my sins, used physical abuse to punish me on ‘behalf of God’ for my sins and because I give him ‘attitudes,’ calling me harlot, [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse], B-word… the physical acts (the way he has done it) and the verbal attacks have left me traumatized, ashamed, and embarrassed. At times, I did fight or yell back when they happened, but that made it worse. He shames me for grieving over this.

Frankly, it would be extremely rare for a man who has done this type of behavior to radically change and decide to become a fit husband. I would not expect it, nor if I were her, would I put any effort into working with him on it. If he is motivated to change, let him fix himself and then re-present himself to her.

It would not be safe for her to participate in his attempts (if any) at rehabilitation.

 

[twobecomeone]

This is the bulk of your problem. You have been trying to accept 50% of the accountability for the abuse you are recieving. That's not how it works.



Yes, He is, and He hates it when a man engages in treachery against the wife of his youth.

Malachi 2:14Yet ye say, Wherefore? Because the LORD hath been witness between thee and the wife of thy youth, against whom thou hast dealt treacherously: yet is she thy companion, and the wife of thy covenant. 15And did not he make one? Yet had he the residue of the spirit. And wherefore one? That he might seek a godly seed. Therefore take heed to your spirit, and let none deal treacherously against the wife of his youth. 16For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. 17Ye have wearied the LORD with your words. Yet ye say, Wherein have we wearied him? When ye say, Every one that doeth evil is good in the sight of the LORD, and he delighteth in them; or, Where is the God of judgment?​

(Some say this verse means God hates divorce. As you can see from the context, that is incorrect. God hates the treachery which is the cause for divorce.)​

Spine up, sister. You are a precious daughter of the King!! Don't allow someone to abuse and disrespect you, and thereby your King.

Matt 25:40: And the King shall answer and say unto them, Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.​

Thank you Endeavourer your responses and tough love. I have the financial means to separate some time soon and I am taking that step. I just wanted to make sure that I am not responsible for him being unwilling to reconcile (I have told him calmly and humble I am open to reconciling if the bad habits change but he has turned it around to say reconciling is now on his terms). Recent events occurred to let me know I need to leave and he has been unrepentant on his end and very difficult (not letting me finish speaking, calling me names, making demands...) now that I will leave (majority of our house items were purchased by me and my income has supported our marriage which adds fuel to his fire). Even when I have apologized for my own behavior, he rarely apologizes because he says what happens is my fault so there's no need for him to do it. "Spine up, sister. You are a precious daughter of the King!! Don't allow someone to abuse and disrespect you, and thereby your King." ---What you wrote really shocked me, hurt me and hit home for me ---because I love my King, my Master sooo much and I want to give him the glory, praise, and honor. Thank You kindly, Sister .

 

[twobecomeone]

The bible does address separation:

To the married [both believers] I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. -- 1 Corinthians 7

Because you are a believer and he is not, another provision also applies:

To the rest [believers married to unbelievers] I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let it be so. The brother or the sister is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

Thank you Brother for your response. He did something recently (physical/verbal) that caused me to say I need to go and posted this to get feedback because he has ignored my concerns for many many years. When he realized I have an opportunity to finally separate (financially stable) he's gotten very difficult. There's a lot more to what has happened with us but I don't want to give myself away. My health issues range from severe sweating all over (anxiety), hair falling out, ulcers, headaches, fevers/sickness (from crying so bad (alone or in front of him to the point I get sick), severe weight gain (which I lost by working out and eating healthy). I'm not unattractive as I get compliments a lot, but I do not meet his standards and he regrets marrying me (we both regret it, me for the reasons I stated above, and him because he says he was young and should have married a 'pure'women---thus he punished me in some many ways and used my past (that I never lied to him about) to justify it and said I deserve it). To be quite frank with you---his culture believes men should and can have intimacy with as many women as they want. Women cannot. I agree to the biblical terms of intimacy before marriage. He and I were not perfect before marriage. The only difference is I did not 'take it out on him' and he did (see physical/verbal abuse). How would I handle no intimacy and no kids in your opinion? (see my response to those in my post).

 

[Endeavourer]

"Spine up, sister. You are a precious daughter of the King!! Don't allow someone to abuse and disrespect you, and thereby your King." ---What you wrote really shocked me, hurt me and hit home for me ---because I love my King, my Master sooo much and I want to give him the glory, praise, and honor. Thank You kindly, Sister .

You are so welcome. I wish I could give you a hug.

A pastor used this 'daughter of the King' phrase on me when he was trying to get me to assert myself against my abuser, too. I'll never forget the light going off when I realized that I was precious to my Lord, and worth more to Him than some legalizing that was keeping me in the bondage of abuse.

It took me a few years of studies to analytically untwist all of my previous doctrines that had held me in that bondage.

Isn't it wonderful to know that our King WANTS us to respect him through respecting ourselves? That we are that precious in his sight????

I didn't mean to hurt you, so I'm sorry for that. It seems you have gathered yourself past your initial shock. Don't stop until you have also gathered the gumption to get away from this man and his behavior.

Are you SURE you can't change the locks on him? Leaving him in the home and with the household accoutrements that you provided is protecting him from experiencing the consequences of his behavior and will make change on his part less likely. It would be better for his sake if he were evicted instead of you leaving.

 

[Endeavourer]

My health issues range from severe sweating all over (anxiety), hair falling out, ulcers, headaches, fevers/sickness (from crying so bad (alone or in front of him to the point I get sick), severe weight gain (which I lost by working out and eating healthy).

So this is super concerning. Once women start to have a health problem from the stress of abuse it can go downhill fast. Things can break irreversibly. I stayed in bondage to abuse until I suffered irreversible health damage that will likely take some years off my life.

Can you lock him out really soon? Do you have a few males from your family that will wait with you in the house when he finds the doors locked? You don't have to respond to him when he is banging; just leave a note with his stuff explaining that you would love to stay married to him if he changes his behavior, takes anger management therapy and becomes fit to live with.

Better yet if you have a process server waiting at his bags to serve him with divorce papers that you have already filed. You need to protect yourself financially and legally from any angry retributions - I would put nothing past him.

If he changes his spots (unlikely) and you want him back in the future, you can always remarry. For now, protect yourself and let him prove himself to you before opening any doors to reconciliation.

 

[twobecomeone]

To explain why this has all occurred, my Spouse blames me for our happiness. He believes if I were 'pure' we would be happy and have kids. He does not care about all the sacrifices I have done for him because at the end of the day, I am not 'pure' (neither one of us were) and he says he owes me nothing. He said if I love God, then why did I not remain pure if I wanted a husband---I do not know how to answer this (my God is still molding me to learn to evangelize ) He tried all sorts of things to get that 'regret' and 'hurt' of me out of his mind/system -physical (I have some damage/scars from it...even saying he will put me on the street with harlots....he will punish on behalf of God, there's a lot more...), verbal (name calling me, my family), my womb is sinful and children should not come from them. I wrote an early post a year ago about this but deleted in shame (about the kids).

The ultimate betrayal for me was when after all these years of trying, he changed his mind about having kids----his response =I was not 'pure'. When we fight, he goes back to this and has forced me multiple times to tell him every detail of my past when I have, he's angry, I'm ashamed and embarrassed, and he still wants to ask me about it. There's no trust because of this and because of what has happened. I tried to be a good wife, but his regret of marrying me changed me (see reason in my orig post). However, I understand my resentfulness and bitterness caused the marriage to stale too.

His culture believes men should and can have intimacy with as many women as they want. Women cannot. Men cannot sin to the degree of a women. He believes my sins as a women do not count to his. Sins are gender related to him. So yes, I take responsibility for not examining his 'fruits' and making a mockery of Christ and the Church. I agree to the biblical terms of intimacy before marriage and I am glad my Savior redeemed a wretch like me. He and I were not perfect before marriage. The only difference is I did not 'take out his past" on him and he did (see my post on the physical/verbal abuse etc) which is killing the marriage for me for so many years and because he said he is still 'hurt' --thus he took away my ability to have children---and he is still not satisfied or 'healed' from this pain (of me not being 'pure'). This has been going on for many many years. I have sacrificed a lot and even gone broke to provide for us. I don't know what his true motive is for staying with me which is why I asked the question in my post. However, I understand biblical if the unbeliever wants to stay I have to stay with him or else I could be considered a unbeliever/sinning---he's blaming me for any actions/decisions he makes if I leave and I'm not being a Christian wife. Now I'm lost, fearful of sinning, and will be barren (no kids) and no intimacy by force not choice.

Thank you again for all who have read and those who respond. I pray this helps other women in my situation. Thank you.

 

[Endeavourer]

. I just wanted to make sure that I am not responsible for him being unwilling to reconcile

YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS.

He is the one who is responsible to be fit to live with. You bear NO responsibility for his behavior whatsoever.

 

[twobecomeone]

So this is super concerning. Once women start to have a health problem from the stress of abuse it can go downhill fast. Things can break irreversibly. I stayed in bondage to abuse until I suffered irreversible health damage that will likely take some years off my life.

Can you lock him out really soon? Do you have a few males from your family that will wait with you in the house when he finds the doors locked? You don't have to respond to him when he is banging; just leave a note with his stuff explaining that you would love to stay married to him if he changes his behavior, takes anger management therapy and becomes fit to live with.

Better yet if you have a process server waiting at his bags to serve him with divorce papers that you have already filed. You need to protect yourself financially and legally from any angry retributions - I would put nothing past him.

If he changes his spots (unlikely) and you want him back in the future, you can always remarry. For now, protect yourself and let him prove himself to you before opening any doors to reconciliation.

I am embarrassed to do this (my family has been concerned basically since day 1 with us and I have defended him so many times how could I go back to ask them). We did not get the full approval of our families and I'm embarrassed. I am quietly getting myself together to separate and he has already told he he doesn't care if I do...but I can't discern his heart with a "I don't care" because this time, it's really happening. I have my finances in order so I'm not scared to do it, just want to do it slowly and get some Christian feeback to make sure I'm not in the flesh or falling into the devils temptations. I want to not be ashamed and ask for advice here, get counseling (I have scheduled an appt waiting on their response), and hire movers to help me. So, I'm not scared to move, I just want to do it responsibly and as calm as possible. Thank you again.

 

[twobecomeone]

The Bible doesn't address separation. However, when there is physical abuse, I say it's time to find a safe place (shelter for abused women).

Ephesians 5 NIV
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing b her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body.

Don't quote that to him. He sounds like a dangerous narcissist!

1. They frequently threaten you
2. They make you feel guilty
3. They act entitled
4. They believe they’re someone very special
5. They act as if rules don’t apply to them
6. They’re hot, then cold
7. They have an obsessive focus on the external
8. They’re manipulative

"I’m not one to judge as every person is different and every narcissist has different qualities. If the person is manipulative or verbally abusive and shows no signs of remorse or empathy towards you at any point, you need to get out now."
https://www.goalcast.com/2018/04/02/in-a-relationship-with-a-narcissist/

I'll be praying for you.

Thank you soo much Sister. Yes I read the article and it describes him exactly. I have been seeing Ephesians 5 scripture all over (videos, posts) and now you. Thank you!

 

[Rescued One]

You are so welcome. I wish I could give you a hug.

A pastor used this 'daughter of the King' phrase on me when he was trying to get me to assert myself against my abuser, too. I'll never forget the light going off when I realized that I was precious to my Lord, and worth more to Him than some legalizing that was keeping me in the bondage of abuse.

It took me a few years of studies to analytically untwist all of my previous doctrines that had held me in that bondage.

Isn't it wonderful to know that our King WANTS us to respect him through respecting ourselves? That we are that precious in his sight????

I didn't mean to hurt you, so I'm sorry for that. It seems you have gathered yourself past your initial shock. Don't stop until you have also gathered the gumption to get away from this man and his behavior.

Are you SURE you can't change the locks on him? Leaving him in the home and with the household accoutrements that you provided is protecting him from experiencing the consequences of his behavior and will make change on his part less likely. It would be better for his sake if he were evicted instead of you leaving.

How can she know what he'll do if she has the upper hand? My husband never abused me physically or verbally, but I watch true crime shows. Instead of changing he might want revenge, don't you think?

 

[twobecomeone]

You are so welcome. I wish I could give you a hug.

A pastor used this 'daughter of the King' phrase on me when he was trying to get me to assert myself against my abuser, too. I'll never forget the light going off when I realized that I was precious to my Lord, and worth more to Him than some legalizing that was keeping me in the bondage of abuse.

It took me a few years of studies to analytically untwist all of my previous doctrines that had held me in that bondage.

Isn't it wonderful to know that our King WANTS us to respect him through respecting ourselves? That we are that precious in his sight????

I didn't mean to hurt you, so I'm sorry for that. It seems you have gathered yourself past your initial shock. Don't stop until you have also gathered the gumption to get away from this man and his behavior.

Are you SURE you can't change the locks on him? Leaving him in the home and with the household accoutrements that you provided is protecting him from experiencing the consequences of his behavior and will make change on his part less likely. It would be better for his sake if he were evicted instead of you leaving.

Thank you, you didn't hurt me -- I hurt because I'M hurting our King. When I go, I will take all items with me. I thought about it to, that if I left anything, he would not understand the severity of this. Thank you!

 

[Endeavourer]

He believes if I were 'pure' we would be happy and have kids. ... I am not 'pure' (neither one of us were) and he says he owes me nothing. He said if I love God, then why did I not remain pure if I wanted a husband---. ......He tried all sorts of things to get that 'regret' and 'hurt' of me out of his mind....even saying .....he will punish on behalf of God, .my womb is sinful and children should not come from them...

Sister, these are the words of the devil. Harsher words against a wife I have seldom heard, and I've heard a lot!!!

Paul says: There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither bond nor free, there is neither male nor female: for ye are all one in Christ Jesus.

Paul says we are all equal in the sight of Christ. No heaping of punishment on you due to your gender while absolving himself of the same thing.

Rebuke these devilish words against yourself by locking your husband out of the house asap. Consult a divorce attorney to see if you can/should have your divorce filed at the same time.

his response =I was not 'pure'. When we fight, he goes back to this and has forced me multiple times to tell him every detail of my past

He has no right to cudgel you with this. Don't ever let him do this again. Walk away...run outside if you have to. Get a hotel room. Don't permit this abuse upon yourself.

However, I understand my resentfulness and bitterness caused the marriage to stale too.

This quote scares me about you, and your safety. He has stolen your sense of righteousness from you to make you feel you bear ANY responsibility for the abuse you suffered. I wish you could see your words from a third party perspective. When he stops treating you worse than dung, you'll stop feeling this way. It's very difficult for a wife in your situation to not experience these feelings at the hand of an abuser.

Look carefully at this verse:

Hebrews 12:14 Follow peace with all men, and holiness, without which no man shall see the Lord:
15 Looking diligently lest any man fail of the grace of God; lest any root of bitterness springing up trouble you, and thereby many be defiled;
16 Lest there be any fornicator, or profane person, as Esau, who for one morsel of meat sold his birthright.

Do you see that the root of bitterness springing up troubling you and thereby defiling many is describing some failing that a man (person) has done that has affected the rest of the assembly causing the root of bitterness to defile many?

Many in our evangelical tradition twist that verse to blame the victim for being bitter. No, ma'am. The blame is to the man failing the grace of God and evicting him from the assembly when he fails the grace of God to prevent defiling many with bitterness.

Please stop blaming yourself or looking to yourself as any source of your husbands cruel and severe abuse.

The rest of your post was so hard to read. I'm so, so very sorry that your dignity and value was stomped on so severely. If it was hard to read, I can only imagine how difficult it was to survive all of that.

I think I remember your post, unless there is another poor soul in a similar situation that was on these boards.

Please reach out to marriagebuilders.com for tactical help stepping through this process. The volunteers there have helped women in your position before and will do so under the supervision of a fabulous, experienced Dr. of Psychology who is a Christian. Their help is for free.

 

[Endeavourer]

How can she know what he'll do if she has the upper hand? My husband never abused me physically or verbally, but I watch true crime shows. Instead of changing he might want revenge, don't you think?

Yes, this is definitely a concern. She can be the only one to decide what the safest exit would be. Sometimes the most ideal way is not the safest.

It sounds like from her last post she has a way to take everything with her.

@twobecomeone do you have a way to get off the lease, or is the house jointly owned by you? If it is jointly owned, you may have to keep up the payments through the divorce process in order to protect your equity in it. Your divorce attorney will have some advice regarding that.

 

[Rescued One]

Jesus makes you clean!! Satan is the accuser.

Rev. 12:10 NIV
Then I heard a loud voice in heaven say: "Now have come the salvation and the power and the kingdom of our God, and the authority of his Messiah. For the accuser of our brothers and sisters, who accuses them before our God day and night, has been hurled down.