Is Separating Biblical?

[twobecomeone]

God wants husbands to love their wives not spew hatred towards them.

Thanks you Sister for this and your concerns and feedback here.

 

[Toro]

The best way I have heard it said..... YES a marriage is a union as one flesh.

Christ also said, "If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out." "If your right hand causes you to sin.... cut it off."

Now, IF we are commanded to cut off our hand or pluck out your eye.... why would we then be required to remain with a husband or wife that causes the other to sin?

I hope this will help you sister. (not many will like to hear it)

 

[KaylaC83]

@twobecomeone
Thank you for posting. This is my first time on this site and God lead me right to it. I am struggling in a lot of the same ways you are. I am 35, have been married for 4 years (today actually). My husband has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I knew about this before we married, but I don’t think I realized how difficult it would be. He also has decided against children due to his illness and doesn’t want to risk passing it along. We have talked about adoption and fostering, which like you I thought maybe the Lord was calling me to. But I just don’t know that he would have to patience for it. He is not properly medicated (although he has been in the past) and doesn’t currently go to see a therapist. He refuses marriage counseling. He is a Christian but during our fights he uses language that is abhorrent. Not to say that I haven’t in the past as well, but the names he has called are very hurtful. He says that the way in which I argue is hurtful as well, but I believe he just doesn’t like to hear the truth about things, but I am very direct about it. He has never been directly physical with me, but has thrown things, broken too many things to even remember and threatened to break my jaw on more than one occasion and had been violent with our animals. When he begins to yell my dog starts shaking violently and hides the best she can. Never takes an responsibility for it.
I often times wonder, what am I doing. I was an extremely independent person with a strong will prior to being with him. Many of my friends and family say I have changed since being with him.
I, like you, struggle with leaving based on my Christian beliefs. But every time we get in a fight he threatens divorce on me. We just recently bought a house (as in 3 months ago) and a new car. Even though I make more money than he does, I still worry about being able to keep it all up. I don’t think I have ever admitted these things out loud before.
And he has been unfaithful to me in the past, but attempted to justify it by saying he didn’t actually sleep with the person. But I still see it as infidelity due to their conversations. This was prior to marriage though and as far as I know he has been faithful during our marriage. And we have no intimacy as well.
I don’t know what to do either. I have prayed so hard for answers. I don’t want to disappoint God and want to follow His will more than anything.

If any of you would like to extend some advice to me as well, I would be appreciative.

My family and his family know he is bipolar but I don’t believe any of them know the extent of the aggression he has. His family may, but they turn a blind eye.

Thank you again twobecomeone and anyone else who chimes in.

 

[twobecomeone]

@twobecomeone
Thank you for posting. This is my first time on this site and God lead me right to it. I am struggling in a lot of the same ways you are. I am 35, have been married for 4 years (today actually). My husband has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. I knew about this before we married, but I don’t think I realized how difficult it would be. He also has decided against children due to his illness and doesn’t want to risk passing it along. We have talked about adoption and fostering, which like you I thought maybe the Lord was calling me to. But I just don’t know that he would have to patience for it. He is not properly medicated (although he has been in the past) and doesn’t currently go to see a therapist. He refuses marriage counseling. He is a Christian but during our fights he uses language that is abhorrent. Not to say that I haven’t in the past as well, but the names he has called are very hurtful. He says that the way in which I argue is hurtful as well, but I believe he just doesn’t like to hear the truth about things, but I am very direct about it. He has never been directly physical with me, but has thrown things, broken too many things to even remember and threatened to break my jaw on more than one occasion and had been violent with our animals. When he begins to yell my dog starts shaking violently and hides the best she can. Never takes an responsibility for it.
I often times wonder, what am I doing. I was an extremely independent person with a strong will prior to being with him. Many of my friends and family say I have changed since being with him.
I, like you, struggle with leaving based on my Christian beliefs. But every time we get in a fight he threatens divorce on me. We just recently bought a house (as in 3 months ago) and a new car. Even though I make more money than he does, I still worry about being able to keep it all up. I don’t think I have ever admitted these things out loud before.
And he has been unfaithful to me in the past, but attempted to justify it by saying he didn’t actually sleep with the person. But I still see it as infidelity due to their conversations. This was prior to marriage though and as far as I know he has been faithful during our marriage. And we have no intimacy as well.
I don’t know what to do either. I have prayed so hard for answers. I don’t want to disappoint God and want to follow His will more than anything.

If any of you would like to extend some advice to me as well, I would be appreciative.

My family and his family know he is bipolar but I don’t believe any of them know the extent of the aggression he has. His family may, but they turn a blind eye.

Thank you again twobecomeone and anyone else who chimes in.

Greeting Sister,

"He has never been directly physical with me, but has thrown things, broken too many things to even remember and threatened to break my jaw on more than one occasion and had been violent with our animals. When he begins to yell my dog starts shaking violently and hides the best she can. Never takes an responsibility for it."

--Do you go to church? If you do, please see if you have a counselor you can speak to. These threats could eventually lead to the physical actually taking place. Him breaking things and being violent is still abuse. He is doing this in an attempt to arouse fear in you to control you. I too was scared to speak up too. You need to also ask you counselor about the infidelity you speak about here. There are a lot of people who state that if you do divorce/separate for abuse or because your spouse cheats etc. you must remain unmarried unless you decide to reconcile to your husband. Other's say the "sexual immorality" exception includes adultery/infidelity and thus you can divorce and remarry if you do decide to go that route. In your case, I would separate for a time being since you have already been abused and he is unrepentant (see the video I posted below). I'm soo sorry you're going thru this and also, I am sorry I have not responded as I am still transitioning to my "new" life.

Abuse According to Scripture - Wretched

Sister, I'm also sorry that I cannot speak to you about divorce if you decide to go that route. Hopefully, someone can chime in because so many people are divided on this (divorce and remarriage; death of your spouse being the only exception to remarriage). Please speak if you can with your Pastor or a a counselor at your church if they offer it.


"He refuses marriage counseling. He is a Christian but during our fights he uses language that is abhorrent."

So in your case, you can take this to your church and bring it to the church leader/your pastor to speak with him. Although, I can understand if you are fearful to do this because it is essentially airing "dirty laundry." So try to if you can see counseling at church. I have NEVER in my life done counseling until now and it is helping me a lot and it's free at the church. I have NEVER spoken in many many YEARS about the pain I have experienced since first marrying him (I lost my entire young adulthood to this marriage). I AM GLAD I AM NO because I needed to speak more than ever now. If he is a Christian, then he wouldn't use harsh words towards you. As Endeavourer said to me in an earlier post here, you are a Princess of the Messiah, King of kings and Lord of lords.



"He also has decided against children due to his illness and doesn’t want to risk passing it along. We have talked about adoption and fostering, which like you I thought maybe the Lord was calling me to. But I just don’t know that he would have to patience for it. He is not properly medicated (although he has been in the past) and doesn’t currently go to see a therapist. He refuses marriage counseling."



Sister, here was my original thread about him not wanting kids with me. Endeavourer also posted there (the thread is linked here below called "/thread"). I was ashamed to continue posting there because a member (JUST RECENTLY RESEARCHED THE USER NAME AND FOUND OUT HE WAS A TROLL) said my "spouse" was right to not want kids with me. I hope it helps you with your situation.

/thread

I hope others post here and thank you for your bravery speaking up. I know how it feels and it's a hard thing to do. We need to encourage, be strong, and help other brethren's in these situations. But even though you may not want to get it for yourself. I put it off/got discouraged/thought people always say to get it, even though it's probably not going to work etc. for many, many, many years and I wish I would have done it sooner. Get counseling to help you with your situation please at Church if you can EVEN if you cannot do it with him. I will pray for you and thank you again for sharing.

 

[Swan7]

Please consult with God only, allow Him to direct your path in the way that is best for you - God has the best plan always for His children. Yes, separation is biblical but many do not adhere to scripture. God even divorced from Israel for a time until they cried out to Him again and chose to serve Him - becoming that faithful bride once again. Please, I implore you to please seek God in this matter because only He knows what exactly is going on in your life.

I recently read about Asa, the king. That he once had a relationship with God but once something went wrong, went out and sought the advice of people instead of God. He completely shut Him out! Please do not do that same mistake.

 

[Endeavourer]

My husband has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. ..... He is not properly medicated (although he has been in the past) and doesn’t currently go to see a therapist.

[COLOR=#000000]Welcome to the forum Kayla, although I am sorry for the reason you are here.

Taking care of his mental illness is 100% your husband's responsibility and not yours. If he refuses to properly medicate or take the steps he can in order to present himself a husband that is as whole and functional as possible, then you have no options in this marriage, other than to separate from him until he is willing to take care of himself -or- stick around and take this abhorrent abuse. His forgoing the medication is the same as his purposefully choosing to abuse you. It's the same concept as someone driving drunk. They are choosing to get into the car, and choosing to endanger others and kill them. In the same manner, your husband is choosing to allow his brain to be altered by the lack of medication and he is choosing for you to suffer the consequences of his altered brain.

Just like you can't reason with a falling down drunk who intends to drive, you also can't reason with someone who is in the mindset to purposefully cause you to suffer because he refuses to make himself as whole as possible.

Separation is not divorce. It's a great tool to save marriages if you can separate while one party fixes their behavior while the two parties still have some love left for each other. Then when the problem is fixed you can integrate together again. A worse option is trying to hang on to the bitter end, when you have nothing left for each other. Then you avoided separation but lost your marriage instead.[/COLOR]

[QUOTE="KaylaC83, post: 73952645, member: 419627"][USER=415094]He is a Christian but during our fights he uses language that is abhorrent. [/QUOTE]

[COLOR=#000000]By their fruits you know them. I would not assume that a professing Christian who lashes out to hurt others like this is actually and truly saved. However, even if he is saved but stumbling here, the Bible gives you two options: (a) take another person, etc per Matt 18, or (b) after two admonitions reject as a heretic (divider) per Titus 3:10. In both cases, if he refuses to behave his profession you are to treat him as an unbeliever, which then opens your options under 1 Corinthians 7, with an unbeliever who is not pleased to live with you.[/COLOR]

[QUOTE="KaylaC83, post: 73952645, member: 419627"][USER=415094]Not to say that I haven’t in the past as well, but the names he has called are very hurtful. He says that the way in which I argue is hurtful as well, but I believe he just doesn’t like to hear the truth about things, but I am very direct about it. [/QUOTE]

[COLOR=#000000]What you must examine here is if you are behaving this way in response to his abuse, or if you are initiating your own abuse. If he did not call you the name, would you have still said hurtful things to him? Were you aggressing or defending? There is a better way to respond to abuse, but before giving you those 100 words, I want to make sure I'm addressing the correct problem.[/COLOR]

[QUOTE="KaylaC83, post: 73952645, member: 419627"][USER=415094]He has never been directly physical with me, but has thrown things, broken too many things to even remember and threatened to break my jaw on more than one occasion and had been violent with our animals. When he begins to yell my dog starts shaking violently and hides the best she can. [/QUOTE]

[COLOR=#000000]This is unacceptable. Does his still do this? If so, I would recommend [U][I]separating immediately[/I][/U] until he takes anger management therapy and while he goes back to his meds and treatment. Often men who kill their wives do things like this first. Unfortunately, it is also often the case that the first time they actually strike their wives, they kill them. If he is behaving this way you are not safe.[/COLOR]

[QUOTE="KaylaC83, post: 73952645, member: 419627"][USER=415094] But every time we get in a fight [/QUOTE]

[COLOR=#000000]So fighting kills love and destroys marriages. However, based on the above, perhaps the fighting is rooted in his condition not being properly medicated. If that is the case, you will not solve your problem until he is properly medicated.

Generally the mechanics of a fight are:
a) Party A wants something without very much regard for Party B's preferences (selfish demand)
b) when B doesn't go along with the demand, A disrespects B (disrespectful judgements)
c) when disrespect and judgemental demanding doesn't work, A has an anger outburst.

So when you say "every time we get in a fight", what are the patterns of the fight? Is your husband almost always Party A? Or are you also Party A at times? If he is always Party A, then this is not really "us" getting into a fight - it's abuse being perpetrated and you resisting the abuse, albeit so ineffectively it results in reciprocal abuse. There are larger issues in your marriage that must be resolved before we talk about resolving problems without fighting, so I'm putting my advice for this on a back burner.[/COLOR]

[QUOTE="KaylaC83, post: 73952645, member: 419627"][USER=415094]he threatens divorce on me. [/QUOTE]

[COLOR=#000000]So this type of threat is a demand to control you. He who cares the least about the relationship wields the most power in it. If this were your only problem, I'd advise you to let him know that the next time he threatens this that you will take him up on it.

Bottom line, my dear sister, is your marriage is not a marriage or a safe relationship until he makes himself as whole as possible of a partner for you, and that will require him taking care of his health to the extent possible.

If I were you, I would either:

(a) separate immediately if he is still hurting animals or throwing things. Do [I]not warn him in advance[/I] but simply change the locks (preferable) or leave. Often when a violent partner sees they are losing control over their target, the target is in the worst danger for violence. Let him find the following note with his things:
---"Husband, I love you very much and want to be married to you forever. However, I do not feel safe due to your displays of anger. In order for us to get back together, I will need you to (i) get back on and follow a treatment plan for your condition and (ii) get anger management therapy. When you have accomplished these two things and I feel you can be a safe partner for me again, we can start to date so we can rebuild our marriage in the hopes of reconciling and living together again."

or,

(b) if he is not still hurting animals or throwing things, give him 2 weeks to correct his medical treatment plan. If he does not do so, separate until he does with a note similar (as applicable) to the above. NEVER threaten separation, just do it.

Your marriage will not improve until you take these steps, and without them, your love for him will die off and then you won't have a marriage anyway. If the action plan of (b) is applicable, stay in touch and I will happily walk you through my recommendations to stop the fighting. My husband and I follow the system I'll explain to you and we resolve conflicts without ever fighting. In fact, after we resolve conflicts we're even more in love with each other than before.[/COLOR][/user][/user][/user][/user][/user]

 

[Endeavourer]

@twobecomeone how are things going for you? Have you separated from your abuser yet?

I've been thinking of you. I hope you are doing OK.
E.

 

[twobecomeone]

Please consult with God only, allow Him to direct your path in the way that is best for you - God has the best plan always for His children. Yes, separation is biblical but many do not adhere to scripture. God even divorced from Israel for a time until they cried out to Him again and chose to serve Him - becoming that faithful bride once again. Please, I implore you to please seek God in this matter because only He knows what exactly is going on in your life.

I recently read about Asa, the king. That he once had a relationship with God but once something went wrong, went out and sought the advice of people instead of God. He completely shut Him out! Please do not do that same mistake.

Hi,

Are you speaking to me or the other Sister who asked for advice? I’m really still conflicted on the remarriage feedback I gave her, so I will remove that because I don’t want to lead her or others astray.

 

[twobecomeone]

@twobecomeone how are things going for you? Have you separated from your abuser yet?

I've been thinking of you. I hope you are doing OK.
E.

Hello Sister,

Thank you and I thought about you today as well. I did separate and I am in counseling which is helping me a lot. I’m a lot braver and standing up for myself thanks to you and all my other Brethren’s in Christ who have helped me. My spouse has gotten a REAL wake up call and is working on it ALONE WIHOUT ME and I’m am STILL NOT CONVINCED TO COME BACK it would be a Very Long time before even considering that. I made it firm it is NOT for me to HELP him figure out, fix it,or fight whatever he’s going thru. It’s not my problem or responsibility.

 

[Endeavourer]

So glad to hear from you, and glad you moved forward with the separation.

If he wants to try, he will need at least a year to prove to you that he has changed. However, people with his pattern of behavior actually rarely change so test changes with vigorous skepticism. Women who take their spouse back too soon almost always regret it because the behaviors just come right back.

As far as your divorce theology, spend some time at cryingoutforjustice.blog and read through their explanations on the various verses. They are a conservative Christian group that does not believe in easy divorce. However, when you start understanding abuse better, you will began to recognize certain Scriptures speaking to abuse, even in marriage, that you didn't realize applied before.

Most of all, fear God and not man. Tune out all the pastors (you can make the Bible seem to say almost anything if you take it out of context), study cryingoutforjustice, read the comments after the articles that catch your attention, and give yourself some time to process what happened to you. Healing from abuse is a journey, not a flash. A significant part of your journey is relearning to trust your own understandings, and testing out what pastors or others say rather than accepting them as immediate truths.

I reviewed only part of the first clip of the video you posted, and after all of the studying I did on this topic, I could identify it misapplied Scripture, and took verses out of context. Unfortunately I've had a crazy busy week so I couldn't listen to it all of the way through or provide comment, but I'm confident that once you start trusting your own studies you'll see through it as well.

May God bless you on your journey, and please keep us updated. I'll be praying for you.
((Hugs))
E.

 

[Swan7]

Hi,

Are you speaking to me or the other Sister who asked for advice? I’m really still conflicted on the remarriage feedback I gave her, so I will remove that because I don’t want to lead her or others astray.

I am speaking to anyone who is in this same situation or has been. God is to be our number 1 priority in our lives, trust me when I say even that is very difficult. I struggle every day to place Him first. We will never be perfect, but by God's grace He understands and sees our effort, but we also need to be asking Him for help. Notice in the OT that many many times Israel cries out to Him time and time again for help, and He answers! If you believe God hears your prayers, know that He will answer - if not right away, believe it already has been answered in time.
Psalm 9:10
1 Chronicles 5:20

I used to think very differently some years ago. I used to think that it on my own strength to follow God, but that is never enough. We have to place ourselves aside and follow Him. We have to place our full trust in Jesus Christ. Remember what Christ prayed before He was betrayed: "Not as I will, but as You will."