Dear Raven,
It seems you have an unhealthy view of God.
My main fear is he took it away and I am going to hell.
If God gave it to you, He wouldn't take it away. We can choose to walk away, but that is a conscious choice, not a unconscious drift.
I would hate to think God would send me to hell because I fear heaven doesnt exist and therefore he may not as well but I can't know.
God doesn't want to send anyone to hell. He desires that all mankind come to salvation.
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. He is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9
you seem to trust God will give us faith. I fear he won't.
Heb 12:2 says "
...Jesus, the author and perfecter of faith". And Rom 12:3 says " ...
God has allotted to each a measure of faith. Rom 10:17 says "
... faith comes from hearing and hearing by the word of Christ." So faith is a gift from God that we receive from the word of Christ.
I can follow Jesus and hope I am right but I don't know if he will be merciful with that mind frame
As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust Psalm 103:13-14
The LORD is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. Psalm 103:8
Raven, tell me. Do you want to believe? If so, then do so and walk forth in faith. We all have doubts, but it's up to us whether we allow them to be deadweights or if we throw them off. In fact, we are told to throw off every weight that so easily hinders us. For you it seems to be doubt.
I know about unwanted thoughts because I had and sometimes still have them. In fact, many of your same doubts once plagued me. The way out is simple. Pray to God for His strength and Hand to guide and keep you and then by faith walk forward. At first it's difficult, but in time you begin to see Him at work and He shows Himself powerful in your life.
Concerning spiritual warfare, it seems you may be oppressed, and heavily so. Most people are touchy on the subject, but it is a possibility. The basics are as follows: we open doors to the devil via sin, accepting his evil deceptions or lack of forgiveness of self. Then he goes in and begins building strongholds in our minds, which are wrong ways of thinking which we can't seem to get out of. You seem to have one, especially in the category of God's grace and faith in Jesus Christ. Once established, demons have an opening to poke at you with doubts, fears, spiritual dryness, and various other phenomena.
The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ. 2 Cor 10:4-5
But do not dismay, for Jesus Christ came to set the captives free. This is a sensitive area and you should ask God for guidance. Don't let the doubts keep you down. If indeed you accepted Jesus as Saviour and confessed Him as Lord, then you are saved and He wants to set you free. If not (in case of doubts), then He wants to save you. Go to Him, for He who gave His only begotten Son for our sins will not turn away any who call on His name.
I pray God will show Himself loving and mighty in your life. Believe in Jesus and God's grace will be to you.