Is my husband a worker of iniquity?

[Itsahappyday]

Recently my husband when upset has slapped my arm quite hard. I see my skin go pale with red around the imprint of his fingers on my arm for a few seconds, then the whole area is pink for about 2 minutes then fades. It burns a bit, but that fades too. He has done this 3 times in the last month, the last two times just this past Sunday and Monday once each day. No bruises, He says its not abuse, that he didn't hit me. Even said in Jesus times women were treated a lot worse. It's like in his head he does it because I am doing something stupid, so this should help me think and not do or say stupid things. I am sad and angry that I have a husband who could even think this is ok. Even if there is no permanent bruise, it can't be right. I have repeatedly told him over the years not to touch me in anger.

He blames me for the fact that he swears now when angry, saying he didn't swear before we were married. In public, he treats me exceptionally well. No one would guess that he says what he does at home.

Even at home, there are times where he's very kind and loving. Times when he appreciates what I do. So it's not all bad.

Today after he called me stupid again, I got upset and called him a worker of iniquity, and now he's super super upset, telling me to sleep in the guest bedroom, saying I am like Judas, etc... Am I wrong??

I know to keep the peace I should say nothing inflammatory, just be quiet and let him yell at me again at the top of his lungs, but I got upset. I feel that he relies too much on what he's done for the Lord, and not seeing how his treatment of me is not right.

I have nothing to show for my life, no certificates on the wall, nothing major accomplished. Whereas he's multi talented, done a lot for the Lord.

To be fair, I am super distracted, forgetful, he has to repeat things to me...

He often brings up my lack of education, etc..

Maybe just the fact that I voiced that, shows I am not smart. The smarter thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut.

 

[BobRyan]

Recently my husband when upset has slapped my arm quite hard. I see my skin go pale with red around the imprint of his fingers on my arm for a few seconds, then the whole area is pink for about 2 minutes then fades. It burns a bit, but that fades too. He has done this 3 times in the last month, the last two times just this past Sunday and Monday once each day. No bruises, He says its not abuse,

1. it is abuse
2. it is not remotely Christian

He blames me for the fact that he swears now when angry, saying he didn't swear before we were married. In public, he treats me exceptionally well. No one would guess that he says what he does at home.

Also not a Christian form of living. In the Bible we are told "by their fruits you shall know them"

- in Matt 7. Jesus said that "bad fruit comes from a bad tree".

You need to pray for your husband that his professed Christianity will one day become actual born-again Christianity.

In public, he treats me exceptionally well. No one would guess that he says what he does at home.
.

That is his "public confession" that he knows full well what God expects of him as a Christian husband - but at home he reveals his true unconverted self. Pray for him. Pray for his conversion.

 

[PloverWing]

Three things in your story bother me.

1) Your husband should not be slapping you. That is bad.

2) His defense of it: "He says its not abuse, that he didn't hit me. Even said in Jesus times women were treated a lot worse." His reaction afterwards should have been "Oh, I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have done that; here, let me get you some ice for that." Instead, he's defending his action on the grounds that other people have committed larger acts of violence. It's bad that he thinks it's okay.

3) He blames you for his actions: "He blames me for the fact that he swears now when angry, saying he didn't swear before we were married." If he swears now, and didn't before, that's his action and his choice. He needs to take responsibility for his own actions.

Are you safe? Do you have a plan for where you could go if you needed to leave quickly (a friend's house, a relative, etc.)? Do you have any money of your own, if you needed to support yourself? If not, think about what skills you have (everybody has skills) and what kinds of jobs you could hold, if you needed to earn money to live independently.

Take care of yourself. This is hard.

 

[lsume]

Recently my husband when upset has slapped my arm quite hard. I see my skin go pale with red around the imprint of his fingers on my arm for a few seconds, then the whole area is pink for about 2 minutes then fades. It burns a bit, but that fades too. He has done this 3 times in the last month, the last two times just this past Sunday and Monday once each day. No bruises, He says its not abuse, that he didn't hit me. Even said in Jesus times women were treated a lot worse. It's like in his head he does it because I am doing something stupid, so this should help me think and not do or say stupid things. I am sad and angry that I have a husband who could even think this is ok. Even if there is no permanent bruise, it can't be right. I have repeatedly told him over the years not to touch me in anger.

He blames me for the fact that he swears now when angry, saying he didn't swear before we were married. In public, he treats me exceptionally well. No one would guess that he says what he does at home.

Even at home, there are times where he's very kind and loving. Times when he appreciates what I do. So it's not all bad.

Today after he called me stupid again, I got upset and called him a worker of iniquity, and now he's super super upset, telling me to sleep in the guest bedroom, saying I am like Judas, etc... Am I wrong??

I know to keep the peace I should say nothing inflammatory, just be quiet and let him yell at me again at the top of his lungs, but I got upset. I feel that he relies too much on what he's done for the Lord, and not seeing how his treatment of me is not right.

I have nothing to show for my life, no certificates on the wall, nothing major accomplished. Whereas he's multi talented, done a lot for the Lord.

To be fair, I am super distracted, forgetful, he has to repeat things to me...

He often brings up my lack of education, etc..

Maybe just the fact that I voiced that, shows I am not smart. The smarter thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut.

I have prayed for God’s Will in your situation.

 

[PloverWing]

I've just looked through some of your past posts, and I see that your husband's behavior has been a pattern in the marriage for at least 5 years. Would he be open to any kind of couples' counselling? It sounds like you're very isolated in your marriage right now, and that you doubt yourself all the time; counselling would bring in a third voice from the outside.

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Recently my husband when upset has slapped my arm quite hard. I see my skin go pale with red around the imprint of his fingers on my arm for a few seconds, then the whole area is pink for about 2 minutes then fades. It burns a bit, but that fades too. He has done this 3 times in the last month, the last two times just this past Sunday and Monday once each day. No bruises, He says its not abuse, that he didn't hit me. Even said in Jesus times women were treated a lot worse. It's like in his head he does it because I am doing something stupid, so this should help me think and not do or say stupid things. I am sad and angry that I have a husband who could even think this is ok. Even if there is no permanent bruise, it can't be right. I have repeatedly told him over the years not to touch me in anger.

He blames me for the fact that he swears now when angry, saying he didn't swear before we were married. In public, he treats me exceptionally well. No one would guess that he says what he does at home.

Even at home, there are times where he's very kind and loving. Times when he appreciates what I do. So it's not all bad.

Today after he called me stupid again, I got upset and called him a worker of iniquity, and now he's super super upset, telling me to sleep in the guest bedroom, saying I am like Judas, etc... Am I wrong??

I know to keep the peace I should say nothing inflammatory, just be quiet and let him yell at me again at the top of his lungs, but I got upset. I feel that he relies too much on what he's done for the Lord, and not seeing how his treatment of me is not right.

I have nothing to show for my life, no certificates on the wall, nothing major accomplished. Whereas he's multi talented, done a lot for the Lord.

To be fair, I am super distracted, forgetful, he has to repeat things to me...

He often brings up my lack of education, etc..

Maybe just the fact that I voiced that, shows I am not smart. The smarter thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut.

Oh dear, " done a lot for the Lord"? It may be time to seek intervention.

 

[Itsahappyday]

My husband refuses counselling. No one knows except here on this forum. I am grateful for all the prayers.

If I insult someone close to him, I said that his mom could clean house well because she didn't work (I am supposed to work and clean the whole house alone) does that give him the right to be upset? I did so about 20 minutes ago, and he got so upset saying that I was insulting her, that he grabbed my sweater by the collar. My neck burns and I have a small scratch.

He just texted me that my employment is terminated, we work together.

 

[com7fy8]

You seem to understand things pretty well.

And the education we need is to find out how to love. And instead of blaming anyone else for my failure in this, I need to take the lead in being a good example, including of pointing out how I am wrong.

"Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them." (Colossians 3:19)

"nor as being lords over those entrusted to you, but being examples to the flock." (1 Peter 5:3)

1 Peter 3:1-4 < have you seen this?

 

[Maria Billingsley]

My husband refuses counselling. No one knows except here on this forum. I am grateful for all the prayers.

If I insult someone close to him, I said that his mom could clean house well because she didn't work (I am supposed to work and clean the whole house alone) does that give him the right to be upset? I did so about 20 minutes ago, and he got so upset saying that I was insulting her, that he grabbed my sweater by the collar. My neck burns and I have a small scratch.

He just texted me that my employment is terminated, we work together.

Not counciling. Call 911.

 

[St_Worm2]

Hello @Itsahappyday, does your husband drink and/or do drugs? (what you've described sounds like the behavior of a mean drunk, or drug user/addict) Whether he does or does not however, he is an abuser, and you are the victim of his abuse ... and you need to get help!!

Have you called your pastor about this? If not, I would do so ~immediately~ so that 1. someone knows 2. he can counsel you/help you 3. he can be praying for you, and for your husband and your marriage. You can tell your pastor to keep your conversations private, just between you and him alone, and perhaps you should do so at first.

Praying for you!

God bless you!!

--David
p.s. - just FYI, there are two classes of spouse abusers. The first may scream, rant and rave, but they NEVER hit.

The second group not only screams, but hits too (at least), and all who fall in this group, including your husband, are FAR more dangerous (your husband is definitely part of this group, just to be clear). This is a group of abusers who, unlike those in the first group, will do ~whatever~ they want to make their point .. I will let your pastor explain the rest to you about the difference between the two.

edit: just to be clear, you are not the problem, he is (no matter how much he tries to convince you otherwise). Again, talk to your pastor, and heed the advice given in several of the posts above (IOW, do what you need to do to protect yourself which, at the very least, means letting others know, immediately, and receiving counsel to guide and help see you safely past this situation that you've found yourself in). And, of course, be in prayer continually, trusting God to guide you (and hopefully your husband) to a much better/safer situation.

 

[Petros2015]

He just texted me that my employment is terminated, we work together.

This situation is not good and sounds dangerous.

 

[William J]

Does your community have a domestic violence shelter? Even if you aren't ready to leave, calling their phoneline could give you someone to talk to about your options. Just be sure that your husband isn't around when you contact them.

 

[Lost4words]

He is not a loving husband.

Seek professional advice.

Stay safe

 

[chevyontheriver]

Recently my husband when upset has slapped my arm quite hard. I see my skin go pale with red around the imprint of his fingers on my arm for a few seconds, then the whole area is pink for about 2 minutes then fades. It burns a bit, but that fades too. He has done this 3 times in the last month, the last two times just this past Sunday and Monday once each day. No bruises, He says its not abuse, that he didn't hit me. Even said in Jesus times women were treated a lot worse. It's like in his head he does it because I am doing something stupid, so this should help me think and not do or say stupid things. I am sad and angry that I have a husband who could even think this is ok. Even if there is no permanent bruise, it can't be right. I have repeatedly told him over the years not to touch me in anger.

He blames me for the fact that he swears now when angry, saying he didn't swear before we were married. In public, he treats me exceptionally well. No one would guess that he says what he does at home.

Even at home, there are times where he's very kind and loving. Times when he appreciates what I do. So it's not all bad.

Today after he called me stupid again, I got upset and called him a worker of iniquity, and now he's super super upset, telling me to sleep in the guest bedroom, saying I am like Judas, etc... Am I wrong??

I know to keep the peace I should say nothing inflammatory, just be quiet and let him yell at me again at the top of his lungs, but I got upset. I feel that he relies too much on what he's done for the Lord, and not seeing how his treatment of me is not right.

I have nothing to show for my life, no certificates on the wall, nothing major accomplished. Whereas he's multi talented, done a lot for the Lord.

To be fair, I am super distracted, forgetful, he has to repeat things to me...

He often brings up my lack of education, etc..

Maybe just the fact that I voiced that, shows I am not smart. The smarter thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut.

A man does not hit his wife.

Call 911.

When safe, talk to your pastor. If your pastor takes his side you need a different pastor.

A man does not insult his wife. A man does not scream at his wife. Something is really wrong here. Do not let it slide.

 

[turkle]

Your husband is a dangerous abuser. His violence appears to be escalating, and it will continue to do so if you don't do something about it. You need to face the fact that he can do some serious damage to you physically... he has already done so mentally. Spiritually, he is justifying his violent behavior in the name of the Lord. That is an abomination. Husbands are to love their wives as Christ loves the church.

Your codependent behavior allows him to continue his abuse. You need to stop it immediately. He fakes a loving facade in public, and no doubt you do too. He is a phony. He knows what he does is wrong (otherwise he wouldn't be such a fake in public), but he seems to enjoy entrapping you. That is sadistic. And you then cover up for him. That is codependency.

I agree that you need to talk to a women's shelter immediately. Tell them all the stories you told us. Let them counsel you. They see this all the time, and know what to do. Stand up for yourself and put a stop to this abuse. If you don't, you could become the next statistic.

 

[BobRyan]

My husband refuses counselling. No one knows except here on this forum. I am grateful for all the prayers.

If I insult someone close to him, I said that his mom could clean house well because she didn't work (I am supposed to work and clean the whole house alone) does that give him the right to be upset? I did so about 20 minutes ago, and he got so upset saying that I was insulting her, that he grabbed my sweater by the collar. My neck burns and I have a small scratch.

He just texted me that my employment is terminated, we work together.

In Romans 8:4-11 we find that the unconverted heart does not submit to the Law of Love that God has. Paul says "They do not submit to the law of God neither indeed CAN they".

So if I were you I would not hold out high expectations of him until they day he is converted. Better to view this as your mission field and he is one of your unconverted friends.

Husbands and wives tend to get into each other's personal space in terms of other family members and opinions that we would never do with someone who actually was "just one of the neighbors". But in your case he is more like an unconverted neighbor -- try to avoid taking liberties of that type above talking about his parents (for example). Be "neighborly" with him when at all possible.

Claim Bible promises for him - that God will "change the heart"

Discovering agreement that he is indeed not a saved person - is helpful in giving you a better idea of how to pray for him and knowing that you cannot confide in him or relate to him in conversations as you might freely do with a saved spouse. He has made himself 'your project' rather than your helper, partner.

Find options for safe places where you can go/live/hide if need be should things take a turn for the worse.

 

[PloverWing]

He just texted me that my employment is terminated, we work together.

I think this is for the best. In your situation, I would want a source of income that does not depend on him.

Assuming that you enjoyed the kind of work that you did at your husband's company, see if there's another company in town that will hire you to do similar work. Now that we're emerging from our COVID lockdowns, I'm seeing a lot of "help wanted" signs in windows, so this is a good time to be job-hunting.

 

[Itsahappyday]

He says that he's trying to make me think, because I don't think. Mentions that others don't think I am smart either. That he has to repeat things 10 times before I get it. I do admit I am forgetful and distracted a lot. I do get brain fog at times. He even said I should go see a doctor but when I mention will go, but it will cost over 1000, he doesn't want me to go.

Also, I am back in employment today. I am not sure it's a good thing.

 

[trophy33]

Today after he called me stupid again, I got upset and called him a worker of iniquity, and now he's super super upset, telling me to sleep in the guest bedroom, saying I am like Judas, etc... Am I wrong??

Yes, you are wrong, you should never ever use biblical descriptions of evil at people around you, not to say at your husband.

If they are Christians, you hurt them deeply by doing this. Do not provoke your husband to anger.

Instead of building a wall of hatred between you, try to solve things calmly and with love.

 

[aiki]

Recently my husband when upset has slapped my arm quite hard. I see my skin go pale with red around the imprint of his fingers on my arm for a few seconds, then the whole area is pink for about 2 minutes then fades. It burns a bit, but that fades too. He has done this 3 times in the last month, the last two times just this past Sunday and Monday once each day. No bruises, He says its not abuse, that he didn't hit me. Even said in Jesus times women were treated a lot worse. It's like in his head he does it because I am doing something stupid, so this should help me think and not do or say stupid things. I am sad and angry that I have a husband who could even think this is ok. Even if there is no permanent bruise, it can't be right. I have repeatedly told him over the years not to touch me in anger.

And yet, he continues to do so. He could not, of course, touch you in anger if you were not around, allowing him to do so. If you wish to be free of his physical abuse, you will have to be where he cannot abuse you.

He blames me for the fact that he swears now when angry, saying he didn't swear before we were married. In public, he treats me exceptionally well. No one would guess that he says what he does at home.

And do you help him maintain this charade? Do you go along with it, pretending that everything between you is fine? His hypocrisy only succeeds when you do.

Even at home, there are times where he's very kind and loving. Times when he appreciates what I do. So it's not all bad.

This is like saying that the glass of poison you're drinking isn't all bad since it's cold and tastes like almonds.

Today after he called me stupid again, I got upset and called him a worker of iniquity, and now he's super super upset, telling me to sleep in the guest bedroom, saying I am like Judas, etc... Am I wrong??

Why are you second-guessing yourself? You just explained that your husband is physically abusing you and acting the hypocrite at church. What do you mean, "Am I wrong"? Are you lying to us? If not, then of course you're not wrong. But so what? If you're right but refuse to do anything concrete about these things, what difference does it make that you are right or wrong?

I know to keep the peace I should say nothing inflammatory, just be quiet and let him yell at me again at the top of his lungs, but I got upset. I feel that he relies too much on what he's done for the Lord, and not seeing how his treatment of me is not right.

You know that it doesn't work this way with God, yes? You can't be indulging in sin over in one corner of your life and somehow balance it out with good deeds in another corner. When your husband yells at you, and slaps you, and manipulates you, He halts his fellowship with God until such time as he repents of, confesses and forsakes these wicked things.

Isaiah 59:2
2 But your iniquities have made a separation between you and your God, And your sins have hidden His face from you so that He does not hear.

1 Peter 3:10-12
10 For “Whoever desires to love life and see good days, let him keep his tongue from evil and his lips from speaking deceit;
11 let him turn away from evil and do good; let him seek peace and pursue it.
12 For the eyes of the Lord are on the righteous, and his ears are open to their prayer. But the face of the Lord is against those who do evil.”

Psalm 66:18
18 If I regard wickedness in my heart, The Lord will not hear;

1 John 1:9
9 If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

There is no canceling-out effect doing good has on his sinful behavior. In fact, your husband's lack of love for you is illustrative of his lack of love for God which lack empties what he's "done for the Lord" of its spiritual value. Read 1 Corinthians 13:1-3.

I have nothing to show for my life, no certificates on the wall, nothing major accomplished. Whereas he's multi talented, done a lot for the Lord.

It is not talent or certificates that make your life meaningful but being the "vessel" for God you were made to be. (2 Timothy 2:21) So long as your husband continues to abuse you and live as a hypocrite, all he does for the Lord is in vain. God does not honor the things we do for Him when we do them from a life corrupted by willful sin.

Isaiah 1:10-20
10 Hear the word of the LORD, you rulers of Sodom! Give ear to the teaching of our God, you people of Gomorrah!
11 “What to me is the multitude of your sacrifices? says the LORD; I have had enough of burnt offerings of rams and the fat of well-fed beasts; I do not delight in the blood of bulls, or of lambs, or of goats.
12 “When you come to appear before me, who has required of you this trampling of my courts?
13 Bring no more vain offerings; incense is an abomination to me. New moon and Sabbath and the calling of convocations— I cannot endure iniquity and solemn assembly.
14 Your new moons and your appointed feasts my soul hates; they have become a burden to me; I am weary of bearing them.
15 When you spread out your hands, I will hide my eyes from you; even though you make many prayers, I will not listen; your hands are full of blood.
16 Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil,
17 learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow’s cause.
18 “Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool.
19 If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land;
20 but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be eaten by the sword; for the mouth of the LORD has spoken.”

Does God care about certificates and talent? Not a bit. He wants our hearts; He wants our love; He wants our lives given over to Him to use as He sees fit. Only from such a life can anything truly be "done for the Lord."

To be fair, I am super distracted, forgetful, he has to repeat things to me...

He often brings up my lack of education, etc..

Maybe just the fact that I voiced that, shows I am not smart. The smarter thing to do would have been to keep my mouth shut.

If you love your husband, you will not let him continue in sin unchallenged. Sin, God promises, always results in corruption and death of some kind. (Galatians 6:7-8; James 1:14-15; Romans 6:23, etc.) Every time your husband hits you and acts the hypocrite, every time he yells and manipulates you, he embraces the corruption and death of sin and cuts himself off further from fellowship with God, sowing seeds of wickedness that will, sooner or later, yield a harvest of spiritual hardness, deafness, delusion and divine judgment (Romans 1:18-32). You can't claim to truly love your husband and silently let him proceed in sin, knowing that his sin, when it is finished, brings forth death.

Psalm 50:19-21
19 “You give your mouth free rein for evil, and your tongue frames deceit.
20 You sit and speak against your brother; you slander your own mother’s son.
21 These things you have done, and I have been silent; you thought that I was one like yourself. But now I rebuke you and lay the charge before you.

Ephesians 5:11
11 And have no fellowship with the unfruitful works of darkness, but rather reprove them.

Titus 1:10,13
10 For there are many rebellious men, empty talkers and deceivers...
13 ...For this cause reprove them severely that they may be sound in the faith,

Your own sin multiplies every time you allow your husband to indulge in sin unchallenged, falling silent when you should be speaking up, in so doing encouraging your husband in his sin and hastening him toward the death his sin will inevitably produce. Godly love demands that you confront your husband in truth and humility, yielding yourself to God before you do, speaking to him from God's word patiently and without fear, refusing to shrink before his manipulative yelling and violence.

Also: Tell him if he ever tries to hit you again, you will call the police and have him arrested. And mean it when you say it.