Is my heart hardened beyond repair?

[John Helpher]

This year, however, I have fallen back into my addiction multiple times. Each time, the catalyst was a single stressful event that would result in me turning to porn to relieve the stress. Each time, I felt my heart grow harder. Each time, after some weeks, I would repent, truly ashamed of what I had done, and beg for His forgiveness. I would eventually return to God and feel his love and forgiveness wash over me. Until now.

I don't think you're heart is beyond repair. That you're here asking is proof of that. One thing that helped me to overcome temptation for porn was some advice I heard from my pastor. He asked me if I had ever considered that the people participating in the porn were real people. I was a genuinely shocked because, of course they are real people, but as I thought more about it I realized what he was getting at. Intellectually I understood that they were real people, but in reality my attitude toward them was pretty awful; they were just tools I would use to satisfy my desires. I didn't see them as people who also had thoughts and feelings. It wasn't just about me.

While I loathed myself for giving in to the temptation, I had also convinced myself that I was separate from them. I wasn't making them do it. I wasn't responsible for their actions. I was simply using them. I had become so self-righteous about the whole thing. I had not considered that every view counted as support. Even on the internet where there's an abundance of "free" clips, every visit, scroll, click, and view is measured behind the scenes; it all adds up as support for the industry. I was an active participant, not separate at all. I felt a new sense of disgust I hadn't felt before, not only that I had dismissed their humanity, but that I had secretly viewed myself as better than them.

It may also be helpful for you to recognize that masturbation itself is not sinful and it's not wrong to have thoughts about sex, so long as you don't fantasize about real people and so long as you recognize that they are just fantasy. You could try reading stories to deal with the sexual tension ( tension which all humans have to deal with). It's not possible to become asexual through sheer will; masturbation is a legitimate way of dealing with that pressure.

I found this video quite helpful, if you're interested.