Is it wrong to only want to marry a Virgin

[Archivist]

I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well.

You are, of course, entirely within your rights to set the criteria for you future spouse. If marrying a virgin is that important to you then by all means make that part of your criteria. However, I would make two points:

1) Remember that you will be excluding many wonderful women as potential mates. My current lady friend is a widow, obvious not a virgin. She has brought so much into my life, and I have been so blessed by our relationship.

2) Jesus willingly died for our sins, giving us a clean slate that we most certainly do not deserve. Why should we not extend that clean slate to others?

 

[Grafted In]

I'm of the opinion that you should think long and hard about the situation before diving into a maraige that may have profound affects on both you and the lady you are referring to. Remember, you are not the only person who will pay a dear price if you marry her not knowing the truth. If she does in fact have prior sexual experience and you are not made aware until after when at least her if not also kids you raise will have to pay a dear price as it most certainly will cause a very deep emotional affect on you.
If this subject is of great importance to you is it not best to make every effort to prevent it from also becoming a heavy burden on others. If you rush into this marraige with the doubts you now have you may discover that marraige will become a trap from which you cannot escape and that will destroy your relationship with her.
In my opinion it is paramount that you satisfy your doubts now, perhaps through therapy with or without her. Make it fully clear to her now how strongly you believe what you do and give her a chance to decide if marraige to you is best for herself as well. She may make the decision for you. And if she has no sexual past and still wants out she may consider your beliefs to be unreasonable I believe a lot of pain and heartache can be avoided. Tell her exactly what you have shared here and give her a chance to back out as well.

 

[faroukfarouk]

My husband and I will have been married 28 years in Aug. I can truthfully say that waiting is the finest gift you can give to your future mate. That being said, let me also point out to you that the newest research is showing that despite the popular belief that sex before marriage is important, the research actually shows that those who wait have a greater chance of avoiding divorce. There are several reasons for this, not the least of which is the whole comparison issue, lack of intimate connections, etc.

But back to the OP question. I agree with the poster who says just ask. Tell her how much it means to you and you just want to be clear with one another before things get too serious. If you are even thinking about going down the road that leads to marriage, you will have to learn to be painfully honest in your communication, start now in building that intimacy of communication that will get you through some of the tough times ahead. (my 2 cents)

I strongly agree with waiting. That being said, if it's two strong Christians, strong and stable and cleansed, the fact that the Lord may have forgiven a past is not a barrier; but the key is a strong faith relationship with Him, and thus with the spouse who also believes. But waiting is excellent.

 

[faroukfarouk]

excellent point. My brother tried to molest me when I was in high school. I thought it important to tell my now husband before we got too serious. His response was so loving and encouraging that it did a lot to heal that wound. He told me that my heart was still pure, reserved for my husband and him alone.

Something to think about...nothing more or less

razzelflabben: Sorry about your past experience.

 

[razzelflabben]

I strongly agree with waiting. That being said, if it's two strong Christians, strong and stable and cleansed, the fact that the Lord may have forgiven a past is not a barrier; but the key is a strong faith relationship with Him, and thus with the spouse who also believes. But waiting is excellent.

I agree, however, that being said, what happens to the one who comes to a spouse with a past, and all they see is that past. Is that fair to the one who has been forgiven? What happens in a perfect world is not always going to happen in our world. Let's say that a guy is determined to marry someone without a past sexual experience. But because they are told that they should forgive and forget that past, the two get married even though she has a past. Now they are married and every time they have sexual relations, all he can think about is the other men or man that she has known. What will that do to their relationship?

In our marriage, my husband brought a porn addiction into the marriage. When I found out, it continued a battle my husband had been waging to stop it, a battle so fierce that it almost destroyed our marriage. However, the point I want to make is this. When we had relations, he often was thinking about someone else. It's the nature of the beast. FYI, Today he is free by the grace of God. But just because one should be forgiving in the power of the Lord doesn't mean that is what that person is currently living in. Like my husband should have been living in freedom from porn when we married, that wasn't the reality that faced our marriage. Likewise, just because this young man should be forgiving of a past doesn't mean he yet has victory over that area of his life. As such, it is in my opinion much more honest and enlightened to say to the young woman...this is something I cannot do, rather than to enter the relationship and harm the young woman as time goes by. All healing that is lasting and effective is at the hands of the Living God and is in His time for His purpose. My two cents anyway

 

[razzelflabben]

razzelflabben: Sorry about your past experience.

aw thanks but as I have told many people, don't be sorry about my past, be thankful and amazed at what God has done despite that past and the evils I have known at the hands of a sinful and fallen world.

 

[faroukfarouk]

I agree, however, that being said, what happens to the one who comes to a spouse with a past, and all they see is that past. Is that fair to the one who has been forgiven? What happens in a perfect world is not always going to happen in our world. Let's say that a guy is determined to marry someone without a past sexual experience. But because they are told that they should forgive and forget that past, the two get married even though she has a past. Now they are married and every time they have sexual relations, all he can think about is the other men or man that she has known. What will that do to their relationship?

In our marriage, my husband brought a porn addiction into the marriage. When I found out, it continued a battle my husband had been waging to stop it, a battle so fierce that it almost destroyed our marriage. However, the point I want to make is this. When we had relations, he often was thinking about someone else. It's the nature of the beast. FYI, Today he is free by the grace of God. But just because one should be forgiving in the power of the Lord doesn't mean that is what that person is currently living in. Like my husband should have been living in freedom from porn when we married, that wasn't the reality that faced our marriage. Likewise, just because this young man should be forgiving of a past doesn't mean he yet has victory over that area of his life. As such, it is in my opinion much more honest and enlightened to say to the young woman...this is something I cannot do, rather than to enter the relationship and harm the young woman as time goes by. All healing that is lasting and effective is at the hands of the Living God and is in His time for His purpose. My two cents anyway

razzelflabben: Healing by wondrous grace through faith is indeed the key, yes.

 

[faroukfarouk]

aw thanks but as I have told many people, don't be sorry about my past, be thankful and amazed at what God has done despite that past and the evils I have known at the hands of a sinful and fallen world.

YW. It's so wonderful for believing husband and wife to rejoice as brother and sister in the Lord.

 

[com7fy8]

If she has changed to be new in Jesus, she "is a new creation; old things have passed away; behold, all things have become new." (in 2 Corinthians 5:17) And she can use her past experience to help her feel for people who still have sexual sin problems. I think it is wise to discover and appreciate how she is now, and not to evaluate her by her past which she has left behind. If she is a real sister of Jesus, I would appreciate her and not waste her because of distraction about her past.

Also, it is wise to be first about compassion for anyone who is still guilty of sinning, instead of first being about criticizing > from our own experience of our own sin problems, we can feel for others >

"He can have compassion on those who are ignorant and going astray, since he himself is also subject to weakness." (Hebrews 5:2)

So - - in case you are busy with criticizing her past sinning which she is not even doing, any more . . . which Jesus has forgiven and left behind . . . you could still be in more danger of sexual sin, than you may realize. So, it is possible that where the attention really needs to be is to you. Often, when people are busy with pointing at others, they themselves are either guilty of the same thing, or even in danger of getting into it, or they are into worse things like unforgiveness and hypocrisy.

The Bible says something like this, I think, in Galatians 6:1. It says that when you are dealing with someone who is in a sin problem you need to watch your own self, "lest you also be tempted." So, possibly it is good for us to talk about how to keep our own selves from sexual sinning. So, I would like to offer some experience I have had about this >

I kept myself from physical sex, even while I was a sinner. Then as a "Christian" I felt I had found my wife and I thought it was ok to consummate with her before we got pronounced. But, the next morning, already I sensed I had become degraded spiritually. I saw that I could not fool myself out of the spiritual effects of something wrong, no matter how smartly and cleverly I justified what is wrong. And her jealousy could interfere with me sharing with Christians who were good for me.

But, also, I see that there were things witch helped to break me down so I could give in, like that. First, I was preaching with a friend, and she was smiling at us. Then I had gotten in an argument and I was hurting a little, after the arguing; so I went to her to get comfort. Instead, I should have gotten right with God, and gotten strong. And one thing led to another > she said she wanted to marry me > I was not sure and did not make sure with God > and then we moved in with each other. And we had an argument and then she had me cozy with her, and then I did what I did.

I see now how arguing could have helped to break me down so I could do sexual sinning. And, "of course", I did not hold to making sure with God, but I went along with her pushing and steering me, which meant I was not being strong to stay with God and His personal leading. So, there were "break-down" sins to make me weak and not make sure with God. These helped to make it happen, I think.

Therefore, I think that being strong not to argue and criticize can help make us strong not to give in to sexual sinning. And if she can help you get real with God, I would not "throw her out" because of what Jesus has forgiven. But be strong and real to make sure with God Himself > she could be meant for special friendship so you can help each other get real with God; but God can have this continue into marriage . . . however God pleases to create

 

[Dave-W]

Let's say that a guy is determined to marry someone without a past sexual experience.

Unless she is age 12 when he marries her, that is virtually an impossible goal.

If she is 22, just 10 years later, she will have had a decade of dealing with her own sexual urges and the teachings from family and church. That is certainly an "experience;" and it may be a very negative one. How did she deal? touch? Fantasize? (did that bring a lot of guilt?) Or did she shut down? And if so, will she be able to turn herself back on? What were the subtle mechanisms used to minimize arousal? Are they so unconsious that she is not even aware of them any more?

I would chalk that ALL up as "experience."

 

[Dave-W]

My brother tried to molest me when I was in high school. I thought it important to tell my now husband before we got too serious. His response was so loving and encouraging that it did a lot to heal that wound.

Glad that worked out that way. In our case the church we attended FORBADE us to have any such conversation, so it was not until about 6 weeks after we got back from the honeymoon that I found out she had been molested, and it was a few years before I was told the extent. (ongoing for 4 years of grade/middle school) After 37 years married, there are still negative effects in both of us.

 

[razzelflabben]

Unless she is age 12 when he marries her, that is virtually an impossible goal.

If she is 22, just 10 years later, she will have had a decade of dealing with her own sexual urges and the teachings from family and church. That is certainly an "experience;" and it may be a very negative one. How did she deal? touch? Fantasize? (did that bring a lot of guilt?) Or did she shut down? And if so, will she be able to turn herself back on? What were the subtle mechanisms used to minimize arousal? Are they so unconsious that she is not even aware of them any more?

I would chalk that ALL up as "experience."

not exactly what I meant and though the context should have clued you in, you are right, I should have been more clear.

My intent was sexual relations with another person. be that porn, homosexuality, heterosexuality, etc.

 

[razzelflabben]

Glad that worked out that way. In our case the church we attended FORBADE us to have any such conversation, so it was not until about 6 weeks after we got back from the honeymoon that I found out she had been molested, and it was a few years before I was told the extent. (ongoing for 4 years of grade/middle school) After 37 years married, there are still negative effects in both of us.

It is always curious to me to hear about churches that forbide couples from talking about intimate things. Or for that matter, churches that govern what we do and say. I know one of our neighbors had an issue with this and left the church and refuses to go to any church now. It's just curious to me. I don't think I could remain in such a church that was that determined to control my life rather than to allow the power of the indwelling HS to be all the control I need.

thanks for your imput.

 

[Dave-W]

LOL - most marriages were arranged by the elder board in that congregation.

Unfortunately many did not last. I was a rebel and picked my own wife but it took more than half a year before they approved it.

 

[Grafted In]

I think it is imparative that this be dealt with before entering into marraige. Clearly God must perfect a work that began when you decided you wanted her as your wife. It sounds to me that at this point you are far from a position of making a sound decision and that it is absolutely vital that God deal with this or you may very well ruin 2 lives. I understand your position personally and I can tell you from experience that it's best to continue to wait on God. IMHO, you are far from that position at this time.

 

[thehappyvirus]

I'm waiting until I'm married. If I never marry then I suppose I'll die a virgin... worse things could happen.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to marry a virgin and there is nothing wrong with remaining one. The hardest part is dealing with the temptation that comes with making that covenant with God. The devil will try his best to ensnare you or pressure you into things but the main thing is stay strong in your faith. I've gone through three long relationships, all which ended because I wouldn't have sex with them. We were unequally yoked and God took care of that real fast. The world will try to tell you that it's okay to have premarital sex - that God will forgive you, and he will, but continuing to do said sin is a slap in Gods face. The Bible clearly prohibits premarital sex.

But my best advise is to pray about it. God will show you what you need to do and lead you down the path He wants you to go. This girl may or may not be in it. Virgins are like Unicorns these days - but if that's what you really want, then don't let others talk you out of it. It's your body, your covenant, and your life.

 

[MonicaDuncan]

Get someone to find out and to try to find a virgin is kinda wrong. I got with a man when we were 16. He wasn't a virgin and I was and I lost mine at 16 to him. Love is love. If you love her it shouldn't matter. I use to believe it was a sin but we loved each other. Still do. Been together almost 16 year's. You won't find many females that are a virgin

 

[Humbleheart]

From your post it seems as if this is a priority for you. And you know what? That isn't wrong. When we marry we marry for love but also because we have shared/common interests/ground. This could mean a love of sport, reading, cooking etc. But it also means that when we marry a Christian like ourselves we DO need to marry a person who is committed to the same degree as we are (or if we are weak, someone who is stronger.) Therefore, the short answer to your question is NO it is not wrong to want to marry a virgin the same as oneself. Where things become more complex is for example if she wasn't a virgin because she gave into temptation but deeply regrets it and now has 100% comitment to purity before marriage. If this were true, her past should have no bearing on your relationship with the exception that she woud be spiritually joined to the person(s) she slept with. Research soul ties, and you will see that this can be broken when we come to Jesus and repent. She therefore would have a clean slate and would not be carrying any spiritual baggage into the marriage. You need to ascertain if you are prepared to walk with this girl through thick and thin. If you are, don't ask her until you have placed an engagement ring on her finger - afterall her sex life (or lack of) has absolutely nothing to do with you unless you are taking the relationship further. If you are not prepared to walk with her through thick or thin, this isn't the girl for you, end of, and again whether she is a virgin or not is none of your business. I suspect that she is a virgin - it takes alot of strength for a 21 yr old woman to declare to the world that sex should happen only once married and not before, but you know what? Until you will accept her for being the fallen sinner that she, you and everyone is, don't waste anymore time with her. You are right to ask the question but it is only appropriate when you will accept her whatever the answer. Make sure that you do not become judgemental or legalistic. One more point, run this by the Holy Spirit. What does he want you to do? If you don't get an answer - it means don't ask. Another tip is if you are dating & purity is big for you (as it were for me and my husband) there is no need to have several girlfriends. Each time you are attracted to the Lord ask Him if this is the girl he wants you to marry. If not, leave her alone - she is for another man to hold and to kiss, just as the girl for you is just that, for you and you alone. Research Tim Tebow -see how he is glorifying Christ and is getting on with life as he waits for the right girl.

 

[AStander]

Nothing wrong with it at all. I would go so far as to say that if you're a virgin, you have every right to expect your future spouse to be one as well. My husband and I both were when we got married.

For one thing, there's little, if any, baggage to deal with!

Nothing wrong with having standards. And whoever said you should do it before marriage because what if you're not compatible--that's one of the stupidest things I've ever heard! What that says to me is, "What if your spouse doesn't satisfy YOU?" That is selfish! Sex in marriage isn't to please yourself, it's sharing yourself with your spouse!

 

[horuhe00]

Hi, I'm going to try to make this short.
Basically I need another Christian to talk to about this issue.
Nobody else seems to understand me.
I'm a 19 year old male, and I am a virgin. Abstinence is a huge deal to me and always has been. I've always been hoping that my future wife would be a virgin as well. I've recently met a girl at church and I really, really like her. She's so sweet and loves God very much. But she's 22 and I'm not sure if she's a virgin. We've been talking a lot and seeing each other outside of church but it's still a mystery to me. She wears a purity ring but didn't say if she was still a virgin she just said it's her promise to God to practice abstinence. I don't know a polite way to ask, but it's really bugging me. I don't want to fall for her and find out she's not a virgin because it would make it really difficult for me to have a serious relationship with her.
I've tried to talk to friends about this but nobody gets why it is so important to me, one friend called me a "sexist pig" for feeling this way. Is it wrong? What can I do? What should I do? I can't just change the way I feel about purity and everything. I don't want to be with someone who didn't wait for me, but at the same time I've already developed feelings for her and I can't make myself stop seeing her if she wasn't.

I know where you're coming from. I was there. I waited until i got married to have sex for the first time. I made a promise to God, by myself, no witnesses. I asked God for a virgin wife, like me.
Well, I didn't get my wish, but I did get a good, loving, God fearing woman who made choices that I didn't make. When I confronted the issue, it felt like a full broadside attack from the USS Iowa's main guns, I'll admit. But I thought and analized, and chose to acept her like she was. It was the best desicion I've ever made.