Is it wrong to disown your family?

2PhiloVoid said:

Hi Seeking,

Yes, from a Christian point of view it is wrong to disown your family. But, this doesn't mean that you can't hold them accountable to some extent for their moral failures (or abuses).

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How exactly can we hold them accountable?

I had toxic parents. When i was a teen I was seeking, but some sheltered Christians turned me off with absolutist "honor your father and mother talk." I've got an onlinr article about this. Basically, there are plenty of others scriptures that can contradict honor your parents in specific instances if you take it as an absolute. So... honor when possible, but don't be legalistic about it. And yes, there are cases where you have to wash your hands of them entirely.

http://gordonwright.hubpages.com/hub/Honor-Your-Father-and-Mother

I had lots of bad relatives, but mostly that was a problem that solved itself. They had a way of finding untimely deaths.

I had a grandfather once that I was very angry with for self-righteous reasons. That I regret. May God grant me the opportunity to apologize to him in the afterlife.

It's not, no. Some problems, cannot be fixed. Some things, are not forgivable. Child molestation, abuse, history of violent criminal behaviour, etc, etc. It becomes a matter of self-preservation, no? Or responsibility, if children are involved, and the family members, have done something, to harm them.

Gordon Wright said:

How exactly can we hold them accountable?

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Hi Gordon,

There are a variety of ways teenagers and adults can deal with family, but probably the first step in holding one's family accountable is to let an offending family member know that he is not free to behave simply as he feels fit to do, particularly if neglect or abuse is involved. Of course, this is just a beginning step.

2Philovoid

No need to make a big deal out of it, just avoid associating with them (this is actually easier than you might think). If you can't do this; arrive late, be friendly, and leave early.

Seekinganswers411 said:

Is it morally wrong to disown your family? I'm struggling with this. On one hand my family are really bad people and the other, they are my family.

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The closer you draw to Christ, the easier it is. I only see or talk to my family on special occasions, none of them being Christian, I have no bond with them as "family" like what I felt as younger. I have a new everlasting family, those who are born of Jesus I like hanging with them

Blue Wren said:

It's not, no. Some problems, cannot be fixed. Some things, are not forgivable. Child molestation, abuse, history of violent criminal behaviour, etc, etc. It becomes a matter of self-preservation, no? Or responsibility, if children are involved, and the family members, have done something, to harm them.

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I guess it depends on how you define forgiveness. Forgive as God forgives, but God allows souls to end up in Hell if they don't repent.

A better way to phrase I think is to say there are certain things that should not be tolerated. Practically speaking, to refuse to tolerate something means you refuse to enable or support it any way, and many take active action to oppose it.

2PhiloVoid said:

Hi Gordon,

There are a variety of ways teenagers and adults can deal with family, but probably the first step in holding one's family accountable is to let an offending family member know that he is not free to behave simply as he feels fit to do, particularly if neglect or abuse is involved. Of course, this is just a beginning step.

2Philovoid

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In my experience, this doesn't help at all. What's the next step?

Seekinganswers411 said:

Is it morally wrong to disown your family? I'm struggling with this. On one hand my family are really bad people and the other, they are my family.

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Wow, what a hard question. While i can understand why one might feel the need to "disown" family (some can be downright evil and hurtful and toxic) yet, i'm thankful i did not disown my own family. There was horrendous abuse of all kinds and severe "toxicity". Yet, i didn't, and as i look back now, i'm thankful i didn't, and why there are two absolute "toxic" and downright destructive members i would not "disown", but rather pray for.

It's a long story, but both my mother and father are deceased, and by God's grace i have forgiven both of them (before they died), even tho' neither were able to, or would ask for forgiveness. God provided the grace necessary and worked in my heart to forgive them, no strings attached.

It is not the same for everyone, i realize, but i'm thankful that i was able to see how God can raise beauty from ashes.

You may need to "distance" yourself from your family and perhaps from a "distance", get some counseling for healing for yourself and to learn healthy "boundaries", etc.

My heart goes out to you and the genuine dilemma this can be.

brinny said:

Wow, what a hard question. While i can understand why one might feel the need to "disown" family (some can be downright evil and hurtful and toxic) yet, i'm thankful i did not disown my own family. There was horrendous abuse of all kinds and severe "toxicity". Yet, i didn't, and as i look back now, i'm thankful i didn't, and why there are two absolute "toxic" and downright destructive members i would not "disown", but rather pray for.

It's a long story, but both my mother and father are deceased, and by God's grace i have forgiven both of them (before they died), even tho' neither were able to, or would ask for forgiveness. God provided the grace necessary and worked in my heart to forgive them, no strings attached.

It is not the same for everyone, i realize, but i'm thankful that i was able to see how God can raise beauty from ashes.

You may need to "distance" yourself from your family and perhaps from a "distance", get some counseling for healing for yourself and to learn healthy "boundaries", etc.

My heart goes out to you and the genuine dilemma this can be.

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The key is combining sanctification (which may mean keeping one's distance somewhat sometimes) and also being ready to give the Gospel, in deed and in word.

Your mileage may vary. I know a woman from a dysfunctional family who was able to convert them after they became a Christian. I had no luck at all with my own.

You can reach out to people but you can't force them to change. If they simply won't change, at some point you have to shake the dust off your feet and move on. There are opportunity costs. Every hour you spend witnessing to someone who isn't open is an hour you could have spent converting someone else.

Try to rescue your family. Give it a good try - no more, no less. After a certain point, call it quits. Life is short. Ezekiel 33.

Gordon Wright said:

In my experience, this doesn't help at all. What's the next step?

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Assuming the individual family member being harassed is of legal age, she moves out. But, being that moving out isn't the same as disowning family, she will still be available to help with other legitimate problems the family may have as a whole.

Again, disowning one's family isn't really a 'Christian option.'

Seekinganswers411 said:

Is it morally wrong to disown your family? I'm struggling with this. On one hand my family are really bad people and the other, they are my family.

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I'm not sure by what you mean disown.

Seekinganswers411 said:

Is it morally wrong to disown your family? I'm struggling with this. On one hand my family are really bad people and the other, they are my family.

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As Christians we don't live by "Morals" we live by Revelation so since the Lord knows your situation more intimately than any of us, (even knowing the thoughts and intents of your heart and your family's), you really need to ask Him what He wants you do do. He has all the facts, we don't.

"Morality is part of the condition of the fall. Now endowed with the power to define good and evil, to elaborate it, to know it and to pretend to obey it, man can no longer renounce this power which he has purchased so dearly. He must exercise it. He (fallen man) cannot live without morality." (Jacques Ellul - To Will and To Do. Pilgrim Press. 1969. pg. 71)

"Christianity has nothing commensurate with any morality. It is the essence itself of revelation that rules out all ethical systematizing and all similarity with a morality. The Christian life is not a life conformed to a morality, but one conformed to a word revealed, present, and living." (Jacques Ellul - To Will and To Do. Pilgrim Press. 1969. pg. 86)

I had an aunt that is still (to me) my aunt but I had to break complete contact with her because she caused me problems so severe it was affecting my walk with the Lord and causing me unhealthy stress. When I broke contact she turned a few members of my immediate family against me for awhile till finally they too saw what was happening and also distanced themselves from her. There is multiple levels of "disowning" family.
1)avoidance on the level of not seeking to be with them or contacting them
2)isolation on the level of not wanting to talk to them, ignoring phone calls, letters etc.
3)legally disowning them by changing your last name and perhaps even if necessarily filing in the courts to banish them from your immediate vicinity.

There is nothing wrong with the first action which often is enough for many to "get their life back" but at times some family members want to drag you back into their mess and torment you often using manipulation and denigration to pummel you into submission as to enslave you back into the fold. When this is going on step 2 can be very necessary. I contend that if by your presence you are allowing someone to grievously sin against you to the point of affecting you unhealthily it is time to get away from that person or persons and stay away. It is in some cases possible to maintain limited contact with the family (or the few more reasonable less evil members) without being a part of them but at times it can be a tough balancing act between staying connected (barely) to not being dragged back into their midst again.

Simply put there are people who are willing to consider Christianity and are reasonable and can over time change enough to be reached by God but there are others who have made themselves enemies of him and are best avoided because they will attack Christians and there is no reason for you to allow yourself to be attacked continuously if there is really no love between you and family and never will be (without a miracle). Loving your enemy even if family doesn't mean you must allow yourself to be a punching bag around them, it is one thing to allow a slap in the face type of exchange another to allow yourself to be beaten senseless by those who have no concept of unselfish love.

In my opinion, disowning a family member says alot about the strength and integrity of your honor and your love.


I really don't think of it in terms of right or wrong on this issue, I think of it more as a reflection of your character and values.

One of my friend's was disowned by her family because she married a Mexican. Up until that point, they loved her, were proud of her, she graduated college, got her Masters in Business, etc and then she "wasted it" by marrying a Mexican (according to her parents). They cut her off like a light switch. Then, they cut off her sister because her sister refused to disown her and had the audacity to attend the wedding and side with her...

Is it right that they disowned her and her sister?

To me, it's not right or wrong, just a reflection of the character and values of those doing the disowning. If they are strong of character then it will take a serious transgression to warrant "disowning". If they have little to no character or they value the wrong things, then it won't take much to warrant "disowning".

outsidethecamp said:

As Christians we don't live by "Morals" we live by Revelation so since the Lord knows your situation more intimately than any of us, (even knowing the thoughts and intents of your heart and your family's), you really need to ask Him what He wants you do do. He has all the facts, we don't.

"Morality is part of the condition of the fall. Now endowed with the power to define good and evil, to elaborate it, to know it and to pretend to obey it, man can no longer renounce this power which he has purchased so dearly. He must exercise it. He (fallen man) cannot live without morality." (Jacques Ellul - To Will and To Do. Pilgrim Press. 1969. pg. 71)

"Christianity has nothing commensurate with any morality. It is the essence itself of revelation that rules out all ethical systematizing and all similarity with a morality. The Christian life is not a life conformed to a morality, but one conformed to a word revealed, present, and living." (Jacques Ellul - To Will and To Do. Pilgrim Press. 1969. pg. 86)

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I have to admit, the above quote scares the absolute hell out of me.

You do realize that if you truly believe the above, then you can rationalize any evil act in the name of good. If I believe that God has chosen my pastor or spiritual leader to lead our group, and that pastor tells us that God told him that we need to bomb an abortion clinic and kill everyone inside, then we will do that act without any remorse because "god told us to"...

I'm led to believe that God gave us free will, and using that will to live by system of morals can't be wrong. You simply read the bible and what Jesus has said and then you try to incorporate all of that into a system of morals and a system of how to live your life. Running around trying not to have morals and trying to live by the rules set forth in the bible sounds like Old Testament to me does it not?

dgiharris said:

I have to admit, the above quote scares the absolute hell out of me.

You do realize that if you truly believe the above, then you can rationalize any evil act in the name of good. If I believe that God has chosen my pastor or spiritual leader to lead our group, and that pastor tells us that God told him that we need to bomb an abortion clinic and kill everyone inside, then we will do that act without any remorse because "god told us to"...

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Wait, your a Christian, right? How do you rationalize committing evil acts if you are inquiring of the Lord Jesus? Even if your Pastor tells you to. Who is your true Shepherd? You would jump off a cliff if your Pastor told you to? Is Christianity a book-religion or do you have the Spirit of God that will only lead you in the ways of love? Does He lead you? Do you know His voice?

I'm led to believe that God gave us free will, and using that will to live by system of morals can't be wrong. You simply read the bible and what Jesus has said and then you try to incorporate all of that into a system of morals and a system of how to live your life. Running around trying not to have morals and trying to live by the rules set forth in the bible sounds like Old Testament to me does it not?

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You are actually the perfect example of what I have been saying in many threads about people that have taken Christianity and turned it into a religion by codifying the Bible into a theological belief-system. No longer do you rely on the Holy Spirit, because you have your religious system all nice and tidy and you only have to consult that. You don't even need a "new heart" from the Lord. You have your codified morality all in place.

I don't think I am the "scary" one.

outsidethecamp said:

Wait, your a Christian, right? How do you rationalize committing evil acts if you are inquiring of the Lord Jesus? Even if your Pastor tells you to. Who is your true Shepherd? You would jump off a cliff if your Pastor told you to? Is Christianity a book-religion or do you have the Spirit of God that will only lead you in the ways of love? Does He lead you? Do you know His voice?

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I think this is one of those instances on the internet where we are about to go on rants arguing different things while missing each other's points. I also think we need to be more precise in our arguments.

Your initial statement was that you opposed morality, or rather, that you cited references that supported the notion that man coming up with his own systems of morals and ethics is bad and that Christians are above this and that Christians have no need to have a system of morals and ethics because we have the Holy Spirit to guide us or something to that effect correct?

There is this Christian group think that believes that it is impossible for non-Christians to have good morals and ethics, as if man needs an edict from God to know that rape and murder and other acts are wrong. I disagree.

outsidethecamp said:

Wait, your a Christian, right? How do you rationalize committing evil acts if you are inquiring of the Lord Jesus? Even if your Pastor tells you to. Who is your true Shepherd? You would jump off a cliff if your Pastor told you to? Is Christianity a book-religion or do you have the Spirit of God that will only lead you in the ways of love? Does He lead you? Do you know His voice?.

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This is exactly the problem I was identifying. If your morals and ethics come from God and the Holy Spirit, then in effect there is no such thing as good and evil actions. If God tells you to do something, then it defacto becomes good. Regardless of what that something is, if you believe God told you to do it, then you have to do it. Not only do you have to do it, you are righteous in doing it.

Thus, if the above is true, then you can "mistakenly" commit all sorts of evil acts if you sincerely believe God told you to do said act.

The popular counter to the above argument is a No True Scotsman's Fallacy argument. Basically, you are going to argue that if you are a "true" Christian then the Holy Spirit or God or whatever would never tell you to do something evil. And thus, if you were tricked into doing something evil because you thought God told you to do it then you aren't a true Christian and thus my argument is moot.

If you look all throughout history you will find examples of Christians doing horrific immoral actions (by today's standards) because those Christians thought they were doing the will of God.

And that is my argument, if you have no systems of morals and ethics and you rely solely on God to tell you what to do, then it is possible that you can be tricked or mistaken or mislead into doing incredibly immoral actions because you believe it is what God wants you to do. Given that we are human and make mistakes and aren't infallible, this is a very real possibility for any Christian that does not have a system of morals and ethics and instead relies on edicts from God. That is my point.

outsidethecamp said:

..You are actually the perfect example of what I have been saying in many threads about people that have taken Christianity and turned it into a religion by codifying the Bible into a theological belief-system. No longer do you rely on the Holy Spirit, because you have your religious system all nice and tidy and you only have to consult that. You don't even need a "new heart" from the Lord. You have your codified morality all in place.

I don't think I am the "scary" one.

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I think I see what you are trying to say here, and that isn't quite what I'm arguing. I'm not a letter of the law type, I'm a spirit of the law type. When I think of the bible and God and the New Testament my thoughts are of love, peace, and forgiveness. So, my system of ethics and morals evolves from that, and not from a list of bible verses that I adhere to verbatim.

but you are right, there are definitely a lot of Christians out there that try to live by the letter of the law and are quick to whip out a bible verse to prove they are right about a particular subject. Not that that is necessarily bad per say. I think the problems stem from interpretation as it is a human failing to misinterpret things above our understanding.

dgiharris said:

I think this is one of those instances on the internet where we are about to go on rants arguing different things while missing each other's points. I also think we need to be more precise in our arguments.

Your initial statement was that you opposed morality, or rather, that you cited references that supported the notion that man coming up with his own systems of morals and ethics is bad and that Christians are above this and that Christians have no need to have a system of morals and ethics because we have the Holy Spirit to guide us or something to that effect correct?

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Hi DG,

Yes, the Christian walk is not one lived by a system of morals and ethics but rather one lived by the internal Life of Jesus Christ. Morals and Ethics are ever changing (there is talk now of prosecuting the Climate Change Skeptics).

There is this Christian group think that believes that it is impossible for non-Christians to have good morals and ethics, as if man needs an edict from God to know that rape and murder and other acts are wrong. I disagree.

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I disagree too. Unbelievers have the market cornered on "Morals and Ethics". What else can they live by? They don't have the Life of Christ indwelling them.

This is exactly the problem I was identifying. If your morals and ethics come from God and the Holy Spirit, then in effect there is no such thing as good and evil actions. If God tells you to do something, then it defacto becomes good. Regardless of what that something is, if you believe God told you to do it, then you have to do it. Not only do you have to do it, you are righteous in doing it.

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Yeah, the Bible calls it "revelation", not morals and ethics so now I see where you are coming from. Revelation is dynamic and spontaneous and we serve a living, dynamic Christ, not a static One.

Thus, if the above is true, then you can "mistakenly" commit all sorts of evil acts if you sincerely believe God told you to do said act.

The popular counter to the above argument is a No True Scotsman's Fallacy argument. Basically, you are going to argue that if you are a "true" Christian then the Holy Spirit or God or whatever would never tell you to do something evil. And thus, if you were tricked into doing something evil because you thought God told you to do it then you aren't a true Christian and thus my argument is moot.

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The Holy Spirit will not contradict His Word or lead His people in unloving, unChristlike ways. His voice can be discerned from the Enemy's voice.

If you look all throughout history you will find examples of Christians doing horrific immoral actions (by today's standards) because those Christians thought they were doing the will of God.

And that is my argument, if you have no systems of morals and ethics and you rely solely on God to tell you what to do, then it is possible that you can be tricked or mistaken or mislead into doing incredibly immoral actions because you believe it is what God wants you to do. Given that we are human and make mistakes and aren't infallible, this is a very real possibility for any Christian that does not have a system of morals and ethics and instead relies on edicts from God. That is my point.

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Thankfully, the Holy Spirit is infallible though man is not. Look around today, many people are mistaken or mislead by following men's various ethical belief systems. Wouldn't you rather take your chances with following the Lord and not man?

I think I see what you are trying to say here, and that isn't quite what I'm arguing. I'm not a letter of the law type, I'm a spirit of the law type. When I think of the bible and God and the New Testament my thoughts are of love, peace, and forgiveness. So, my system of ethics and morals evolves from that, and not from a list of bible verses that I adhere to verbatim.

but you are right, there are definitely a lot of Christians out there that try to live by the letter of the law and are quick to whip out a bible verse to prove they are right about a particular subject. Not that that is necessarily bad per say. I think the problems stem from interpretation as it is a human failing to misinterpret things above our understanding.

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Thankfully, the Holy Spirit will lead us into all truth and can be trusted, completely.

Great chatting with you.

You might find this interesting and you can find it here:

I fear that many Christians have been restrained from understanding the Scriptures as God would seek to apply them to their lives, because they approach the text of Scripture from an super-imposed pre-suppositional "grid" of vocabulary and interpretation. In fact, I wonder if some of the narrow, theologically-slanted and conservatively-maintained definitions and interpretations which evangelicals have imposed on other Christians, have not kept Christians as ignorant of true Christianity, as did the denial of the Scriptures themselves to the masses in the Middle Ages. Back then it was the denial of physical access; today it is the denial of the interpretive access of the Holy Spirit. Back then the Bible was chained to the pulpit; now it is chained to ideological constructs and semantic formulations.

It has been the propensity of the Western church to "box" up Christian thought into neat little air-tight packages, the composite of which becomes our accepted "belief-system," or what we call "the gospel". The Western mind has a "lust for certainty" which allows for no "loose ends", no paradoxes, no antinomies. We want to get everything "figured out", cut and dried; categorized, formulized, systematized, theologized--fossilized! If God will not fit into our "reasonable categories", then we will have to reduce Him to fit. We want to get a handle on it, so we can "handle it". But God is not an "it".

We are "thing" oriented, instead of God-oriented, and theology is the biggest "plaything" in the evangelical play-pen. We want logical formulas, precise techniques, definite doctrines, exact theology. We do not like intangibles-such as the invisible dynamic of the Spirit of God at work in His created order, so we formulate tangibles - golden calves-or their counterpart, ideological idols carved in the concrete of inflexible minds.

Even the present attempt to move beyond the static definitions of staid evangelicalism is fraught with its own inherent danger. Definitions by their very definition are static. A definition is an attempt to "nail down" and particularize to the point of precision of thought. There is no such thing as a "dynamic definition", yet it is my objective to ascertain how the divine dynamic of Jesus Christ applies to certain Biblical categories. The warning of James Stewart Stewart, Scottish preacher and writer, A Man in Christ, is probably appropriate: "Those who have succeeded in defining doctrine most closely, have lost Christ most completely." With that warning ringing in my ears, I proceed to consider some of the dynamic implications of certain Biblical and theological words, remembering that the dynamic is in Jesus Christ, not in the definition.