is it right?

[wannagohome]

You know it's not right. You didn't need us to tell you that.

Why don't you tell us what is keeping you from seeking help from a professional counselor/pastor?

Only I go to church, and since we moved recently I don't know the parish well. I have tried to find a church for us to attend over the years and there is always something "wrong" w/ them, so I just take the kids and go now. Anyway if you read the other thread I started on "Is it ok to take a break." I was obviously skirting a big part of the issue. But I am leaving later this month, my parents got us plane tickets, and are excited for us to be coming back.
I went to counseling a few times earlier in the marriage, but when I told him about what was said to work on, he turned it around on me. "They don't understand." or "Thats the dumbest thing I ever heard." or "No one has a relationship as special as ours, we're different." When we both went it turned into him working on issues he has with his parents, job, etc. But never our marriage.
I saw a website about this the other day, and a lightbulb went off....oh thats me, I am believing lies, being manipulated, and intimidated. No wonder my friends and family don't like him. They have been watching this for years, and I have been in denial. I woke up finally.....the abuse cycle wheel helped me when I saw it too....because after the worst treatment, its always calm and nice and "nothing happened, you are over dramatizing." But that is just part of the cycle. So I feel unsure about myself. So I feel bad for talking about it.

Thanks for everyones help on this thread, I am going to find therapy when I get back, so I can recover from these past years. Hopefully he will do the same. But he will have to want to, I cannot make him. I am thankful to God that I have family and friends to help me. Thanks again. Jen

 

[Blindfaith316]

Jen, you have received wonderful advice here, I am praying for you sis.

 

[Ruhama]

If you ever do choose to divorce him, I am convinced it is not a sin. Infidelity comes in more than one flavor.

 

[wannagohome]

Thanks to everyone who responded. It means alot to me! Jen

 

[Cright]

Jen,
I'm not married and don't have specific advise for you, but I do know those statements in the first post are not my idea of how communication should exist inside a marriage. I encourage you to share the following verses with your husband. This is how I hope my (future) husband and I will communicate and how we strive to communicate now. I'll say a prayer for the two of you!
God Bless,
Carina


Eph 25-30 (NIV)
25Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26to make her holy, cleansing[2] her by the washing with water through the word, 27and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29After all, no one ever hated his own body, but he feeds and cares for it, just as Christ does the church-- 30for we are members of his body.

 

[GirlieGirl]

Blessing to you sister. I pray that God will give you unquestionable clarity about the steps you have to take in the immediate future.

 

[herev]

Is it right for a spouse to say to their spouse...

"You can't feel that way and if you do you are retarded, and need to figure out whats wrong with you."

"You are so lucky I don't beat you, I want too, anyone else would beat you."

"Shut the *uck up."

"Your family is bad, I am the only thing thats good for you.I am the only one that really loves you."

or if this happens......

if they play with weapons constantly when they talk to their spouse.talks about weapons constantly.

make threats of violence.

walk away from the spouse when they are crying, tell them they over react.

blame all problems on others.

or........

If the certain spouse who is hearing dealing with these things has lost friends due to the behavior, the friends/family still around say they would never stay with someone like that.

If the certain spouse feels obliged to stay only because of guilt and "Fear of God."

What do you think? Is this acceptable behavior? I'd appreciate some opinions. Jen

Jen, I don't say this lightly--in fact maybe never have--but if this is a real situation, I would advise the other spouse to leave--now, tonight, don't wait. If they want to go to counseling to reconcile, feel free, but for now--get out!

 

[herev]

Is it a sin to leave a relationship like this? Prayers appreciated. Jen

NO

 

[Micaiah]

I do not know of any passage in Scripture that says it is okay for a woman to leave her husband if she doesn't like the way he speaks to her. 1 Corinthians 7:10 states clarly that a wife should not separate from her husband.

In my opinion, if her life is in danger, she could separate. If her husband has been promiscuous, she could divorce.

Think about how you can best serve and honour Christ in this situation. How do you respond when your husband treats you like this? What response best honours Christ. What response is most likely to help your husband.

Here is a passage from 1 Peter, that talks about a slaves response to unjust and inhumane treatment.

Submission to Masters
(2) 18 Servants, be submissive to your masters with all fear, not only to the good and gentle, but also to the harsh. 19For this is commendable, if because of conscience toward God one endures grief, suffering wrongfully. 20For what credit is it if, when you are beaten for your faults, you take it patiently? But when you do good and suffer, if you take it patiently, this is commendable before God. 21For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us,[6] leaving us[7] an example, that you should follow His steps:


22"Who committed no sin,
Nor was deceit found in His mouth";[8]


23who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; 24who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness--by whose stripes you were healed. 25For you were like sheep going astray, but have now returned to the Shepherd and Overseer[9] of your souls.

Interesting that the inspired author does not say slavery is wrong, and slaves should agitate for their own rights. They are simply instructed to bear unjust treatment patiently, knowing that Christ also suffered for doing good. His suffering lead to victory over satan and sin.

 

[bliz]

Pack your bags and grab you kids and go!
If this wakes your husband up and he is then willing to get counseling and work on the marriage, great! But there is no reason why you and your kids shouold be at risk while this goes on.

The behavior you describe is text book for abuse. It will cycle, but it will never get better without serious help and he will only become more violent. Further, children who have watched one parent be abused, tend to grow up to be abusive.

You are not a slave. Your relationship with your husband is not a master/slave relationship and nothing in scripture suggests that it should be. I believe that the previous postiing misuses scripture.

Please! Get out as quickly as you can. I buried a friend whose husband abused her and eventually killed her. It does really happen... in that case, he was convicted of a lesser charge and he is now raising their children!

Please, get out!

 

[Micaiah]

Bliz, you have missed the point. The master slave relationship is different to the wife husband relationship. Howeer, principles may be drawn from the passage in Peter on the response we should have when in an 'abusive relationship'. The world's thinking is very different to that stated in the Scriptures. Unfortunately, many Christians have adopted the thinking of the world.

Sorry to hear about your friend. That must have been a very sad time. Only the people involved can make an accurate assessment of the risk to life.

It is startling how much a man or woman can absorb and forgive when they are in love. It is sad how trivial complaints can separate couples when the love has evaporated from a relationship.

 

[EmSchmem]

Dooode. I don't know what you decided the point was but this woman has to get away from this man.

 

[nuarc]

Did He just compare the husband/wife relationship to a master/slave realationship? Do you realize that a marriage SHOULD NOT BE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP??? Duh.
Get out while you still have your mind girl. You should not have to be subjected to your husband's abuse.

 

[Oblivious]

I'd deck my husband if he talked to me that way.

How can you claim you're in love with someone than talk that way to them?

That's definitely verbal abuse IMO.

 

[wannagohome]

Thanks everyone for your responses. I am leaving next week, and we will see what happens in the meantime, but I know that it is best for us to be apart for awhile. I will be alot closer to my family and friends, and all of them are overjoyed about what I am doing. It will be good to be around positive/supportive people. Thanks again. God Bless. Jen

 

[Whitestone]

Jen, I think you are taking the best course of action.

Scripturally speaking, your bady is a temple to God and you should put it our keep it in situations where it will be damaged.

You have made the attempt to get him to church and to counseling, but as the head of the household that should be his job.

PLEASE, make sure when you leave that you do it in secret.

I will be praying for you,

Whitestone

 

[Cordy]

PLEASE, make sure when you leave that you do it in secret.

Yes, that is VERY IMPORTANT!!!



Pretend everything is fine and act casual on the exterior, so he doesn't suspect that you are preparing to leave. You will be safer that way.

Remember all of here that suport you. God is with you.

 

[wannagohome]

Yes, that is VERY IMPORTANT!!!



Pretend everything is fine and act casual on the exterior, so he doesn't suspect that you are preparing to leave. You will be safer that way.

Remember all of here that suport you. God is with you.

He knows and is cool with it. I am going to go to college back home, we have not been here long enough for me to get in-state tuition. He also knows that I need to be closer to my family and friends. This has been an answered prayer for some distance and recovery.
Jen

 

[frusteratedblonde]

Did He just compare the husband/wife relationship to a master/slave realationship? Do you realize that a marriage SHOULD NOT BE AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP??? Duh.
Get out while you still have your mind girl. You should not have to be subjected to your husband's abuse.

I know this is an old post. I was wannagohome back when this was posted. I left and moved back here. Within 1 month he went totally crazy (threats, rages, "stalking"), because he could no longer "control me" and I filed for divorce.
After I filed he tried to make-up with me for appx. one week, then contacted an ex-girlfriend and "fell in love with her."
So be it, I figured it would be for the best if he found someone else to focus on. Before we went to court he had already moved to a new state with her and planned a new marriage.
I am doing so much better emotionally. I have hope and know life does not have to be so oppresive. I go to DivorceCare at a local church, and have a new view on life!
I just wanted to thank everyone for supporting me during the trial I went through of living with a controlling, mean man. Being single is not too bad. At least I no longer feel worthless! Thanks again everyone who supported me on this topic! God Bless!

Jen

 

[selune]

Jen, I'm glad you're ok. Bless you in your new life and take care.