is it right...

[tigerboy]

...to post complaints about spouses on this forum?

i'm interested. i'm going to be married soon, but i don't think i would ever DREAM of posting complaints or asking advice on this forum. i mean, God bless you all, but i don't really know you. If I had a problem in my marriage i would talk to, say...my PASTOR, or, better yet, my SPOUSE.

is it easier to just admit your problems on a page where you are practically anonymous? is it that, if we ask for a multitude of opinions, that we will eventually receive advice that justifies the way we feel?

there really isn't any accountability on here, is there? i mean, i can say whatever i want about my fiance, and she can't do anything about it, because she doesn't post here. so, if i really wanted to, i could paint her as a complete monster. you'd never know the difference, because on an online forum, there isn't any accountability.

all i'm saying is, if you are really struggling in your marriage, this probably isn't the ideal place to get it sorted out.

thoughts?


P.S. my fiance isn't a monster. she's great!

 

[JillLars]

Sometimes problems in marriage are deeply personal, and many people (friends, or other churchgoers) aren't willing to talk about their own experiences with those problems. Talking to people in real life can also lead to gossip. Finding advice from a Christian perspective on a website is a safe way to gain insight into a problem (IMO), yes, you could paint your s/o as a total monster, but most people on this forum are intelligent enough to realize that there are 2 sides to every story and offer advice on what you could do to help fix the problem. Perhaps seeking advice on this forum is not for you, and perhaps you have a wonderful support system at home, but not everyone has that. I agree that talking to others on this forum should never take the place of talking to one's spouse (if you read advice threads this is usually immediately suggested.) Some people come here looking for justification, and there isn't anything we can do to stop them, but it isn't fair to assume everyone is doing that. There are many people who are just at a loss and need help from Christians on this board.

 

[Micaiah]

Personally I think there are some big positives in sharing on the internet. One is anonymity. It is easy, and writing out your thoughts helps to clarify them. Ideally people should be able to confide in a pastor or close friend. In reality this is sometimes hard, particularly when the pastor or friends are not neutral, or do not want to get involved.

The down side of these types of forums is that you can get everyones opinions about what they think is right, with little reference to what Scripture teaches. I see great potential in a forum with a group of qualified and godly people responding to the hurts and dilemmas people face in the marriage. I would warn those who seek counsel from these forums to be very careful to check it against the teaching of Scipture. People do search around until they find someone who is sympathetic to their story, and support their plans eg. to get a divorce from the 'terrible' person they married.

I'm glad that you have such a positive view of your fiance, and understand you find it hard to understand how such hate can exist between those who were once so much in love. You will probably find many once felt the same way as you. I hope God blesses your marriage, and it is a source of joy. Be aware that pain and sorrow are part of life, and is magnified when the ones you love are involved. You should be realistic in your assessment of the future, and not be surprised when trials come your way. Keep your focus on Christ. Strive to honour Him in your marriage first. Your own wellbeing and that of your marriage will follow.

 

[faith177]

I am sad that these type of uncaring kind of threads are coming out, there are many people out there that will come to this forum feeling relief that there is finally a place they can get some advice to the struggles they are facing, Not everyone has a spouse that is open to comunication or has great comunications skillls themselves. not everyone has access to counseling or people close to them that they can go too.

This to me was a place that would have many different married people that could share experiences, marriage is not always easy. It takes work, we are christians and if one of us is struggling they should be able to come to this forum for advice and not fear condemnation for their struggles but have caring people give their opinions.....

 

[tigerboy]

"we are christians and if one of us is struggling they should be able to come to this forum for advice and not fear condemnation for their struggles but have caring people give their opinions....."


isn't this what your church is supposed to be? if someone in your church has a problem, YOU have a problem. we're supposed to support and build one another up. if you fear condemnation from the leaders of your church, that could mean a couple of things. either, you aren't in very close relationship with anyone there, or you should find another church. if leaders are condemning people for having problems, that can't be a good thing, can it?

i'm also not naieve enough to think that marriage is problem-less. our very nature guarantees some issues. i'm thankful for the friendships and leadership that can help guide me through what will be a sometimes difficult, but fulfilling journey.

thanks to those who have answered already to the ideas i've thrown out, even those who disagree! i wanted to hear some thoughts on the whole thing.

God bless!

 

[Tangnefedd]

Some churches are most unhelpful and very judgemental, I have heard! Getting different shades of opinion on a forum can help to clarify a problem, but is no substitute for proper counselling.

 

[faith177]

not everyone can afford counseling....

 

[LuxPerpetua]

First of all, I hope you have the type of relationship with your fiancee in which you would never think or do anything (here or elsewhere) to portray her in a less-than-loving fashion. This would be disrespectful and, in my opinion, it is also the seedling of what can later sprout into alienation and rejection. Surely, out of your love for your fiancee, you would never want to say anything that would either hurt or embarrass her, so your comment about being able to say whatever you want without repercussions seems without point.


As far as online advice, I love it. And, just as a reminder, you are accountable to your Christian family, even those online whom you've never met. Hopefully your own integrity and love for God would prevent you from doing sinful things in your marriage, and so personal accountability outside of yourself and God is, then, really just a safety net *in case* you (emphasis upon "you") fail at Plan A. We are here to help guide you and comfort you as our brother in Christ.

From my perspective as a very happily married person, this is my line of problem-solving within marriage: Firstly, I talk with my husband and then we pray about the problem together. Secondly, I talk to God myself about how I'm handling dealing with the problem and also the problem itself. Thirdly, I talk to my Christian friends about the problem, if I'm looking for additional feedback or support. This includes real life friends and online friends.

If you don't like online advice from your Christian siblings, then that's your loss.

 

[GirlieGirl]

This post rubs me the wrong way a bit. But I'm sure you don't mean to imply that everyone posting about their marital problems is just looking for an outlet to smear their spouse.

If you read through them, the majority are from hurting people looking for an outlet. Thank goodness they feel that this is a safe place for them to do that. And the majority of the time, it appears that the poster receives comfort.

I think I'm going to have to pull the "I'm married and you're not" card (and I never do that!). Now that I am married, I do see that it is critcally important to keep our married life private from friends and relatives with respect to disagreements. But despite praying, sometimes I can feel bottled up and with place to really sort out my thoughts. After I type, I often have more clarity on what's really going on. And when all is said and done, many times there are people around the globe pledging to keep my situation in prayer, not mention I have some pretty good advice.

Always good to God and your spouse first. But there is no shame in seeking Godly counsel from other resources.

And I'd like to second that yes, you certainly do have accountablity to God for whatever is said here. And He is the accountablity partner that matters most.

 

[Whitestone]

From what I have seen on this section of the boards is that alot of the posters are not in a position to get to a healthy church, or not have people they could talk to for advice.

It can be lonely being a Chistian sometimes.

 

[Tami]

...to post complaints about spouses on this forum?

I guess it depends what it is. I don't think anyone should use the forum to launch a smear campaign against their spouse. I think that if one has a serious problem with their spouse they should probably go to their Pastor for guidance if they can't get it resolved with their spouse. If they don't feel like they can go to their Pastor, then they should probably find another church where they feel loved unconditionally. It doesn't say much about a church when you feel that you can't even confide in the leadership. If you're using the forum so that you can say, "My spouse did all kinds of horrible yada yada yada! He/she is such a terrible #@*&!" just so you can get people to agree with you and say, "Oh, goodness! I'd be so mad, too! Your spouse really IS a #@*&!", then I think that's wrong.

 

[Flipper]

"we are christians and if one of us is struggling they should be able to come to this forum for advice and not fear condemnation for their struggles but have caring people give their opinions....."


isn't this what your church is supposed to be? if someone in your church has a problem, YOU have a problem. we're supposed to support and build one another up. if you fear condemnation from the leaders of your church, that could mean a couple of things. either, you aren't in very close relationship with anyone there, or you should find another church. if leaders are condemning people for having problems, that can't be a good thing, can it?

Some people don't feel comfortable going to their pastor. What if your spouse is a trusted and highly regarded elder, but you are having serious problems with that person at home? Even if you get along well with your pastor, are you going to feel comfortable going to him/her about your marital problem with that tusted elder? Maybe it should be a non-issue, but I would feel uncomfortable.

 

[B-Real]

Go with your heart

 

[PottersClay]

If you're using the forum so that you can say, "My spouse did all kinds of horrible yada yada yada! He/she is such a terrible #@*&!" just so you can get people to agree with you and say, "Oh, goodness! I'd be so mad, too! Your spouse really IS a #@*&!", then I think that's wrong.

I think this may be the crux of the issue. Tigerboy is right that these forums shouldnt be a place where we "complain" about our spouses (or loved one, church or anything for that matter.) since mere complaining doesnt seek a solution, it only serves to make the object of the complaint look bad.

So to merely complain about a spouse is disrespectful. But it is a very different matter to voice a complaint (which is not the same as complaining ) in order to get some advice on how to properly handle it. And IMO, the anonymity this forum offers is very helpful.

 

[tigerboy]

wow. i'm astounded by some of these answers. what we are basically saying is, the church is SO dysfunctional that we cannot seek answers or help there, so we have to come here under cover of anonymity (isn't there something about 'into the light?...").
we come from churches where even and ELDER would probably be too uncomfortable to confess a problem to someone who was in spiritual authority over him. i guess this forum is more a refuge from the real problem which seems to be...we can't trust anyone enough to be vulnerable before them in our weakness.

this all sounds very pious, doesn't it? so let me just say, honesty about difficulties is something i struggle with as much as the next person. it isn't easy to confess things to those around us. nobody wants their 'spirituality' to take a dent. all i'm saying is, wouldn't it be great if we COULD do that? isn't that the kind of community Jesus wants from us? despite my weaknesses and, well, let me be honest, pride, i kind of long for that relationship with real people who are all able to pick each other up and pray for each other and encourage each other in even the most difficult times of life, as well as in the brilliant times of life. isn't that being the Body? it sounds good to me.

it's good that people can find comfort here and have friends they can talk to. i certainly am not intending to bash anyone, nor should we get caught up in my 'spouse bashing' comment. that really isn't the central issue of my thoughts. thank you everyone for voicing what you think. i hope that we can all increase in our commitment to our spouses and our desires to be Godly husbands and wives!

 

[DaveKerwin]

I say bring your feelings directly to the person you have the problem with, every time, no matter what.

 

[LadyBird]

I think that asking for advice is one thing, but complaining and bashing and talking badly about your spouse/partner is another thing that I don't think is appropriate for a public forum. I would be MORTIFIED if my boyfriend posted issues on a forum that him and I had. He should come to me...and talk to me, at least I would know what was going on and what I could do differently. Now going on a forum and complaining about how awful I am would be very hurtful, the same for him. So I would never do that and hope he would never do that either. Explaining a situation and leaving your feelings out of it is another thing...which I think is fine. Sometimes it's hard for that to happen though and is hard to tell the difference between the two.

 

[Christi]

I think people mainly post problems here to get objective opinions and suggestions from a varied cross-section of the Church (Christians). I don't think people are looking to complain and insult their mate, but rather to seek advice for how THEY, as a Christian, should handle their problem. I think if I were having a marital problem, I'd feel it less embarrassing to my husband to post it here anonymously--(at least at first)--than to talk to people he knows about his "shortcomings". I think it's very important to honor and respect your spouse, but sometimes you can do that best by seeing all sides and viewpoints, before you confront them or discuss something with them. I don't like it though, when someone posts a marital problem......and then a bunch of people jump in and tell them how screwed up their husband/wife is and how they shouldn't have to put up with it. We shouldn't fan the fires, we should seek to give advice that helps the person honor God in their marriage.

 

[Cordy]

I agree Christi!

I think in some ways, posting problems on the board is better than bringing up personal problems in the church. Although some issues need some professional help or congregational support, many are just little concerns we would like more input on. If people brought up these issues with people in their congregations, people might start judging the person and treat them with differently because of what they know of their struggles. Here, we can speak with each other without providing opportunities for church gossip (which has destroyed many churches and relationships).

I also note that most people who post demonstrate love and respect for their spouse. In a realistic view of marriage, we know that issues come up, and I think it is healthy to sometimes get an outside perspective. It is not spouse bashing (which would be wrong), but how to encourage each other to strive for better relationships.

 

[LuxPerpetua]

I agree with your sentiment, Tigerboy, about wishing the church as the body of Christ would be more open. Personally, I wish we would all confess our sins to each other (talk about a lesson in humility!). I have tried to get people to do this, but no one I've known in real life seems to want that. It is a shame.