Is it my fault? Husband calls me names

[Dave G.]

He said he's does it to provoke me to achieve excellence. He said ""when someone called me stupid when I was younger it pushed me to excel but you just fold"" He said you don't want people to think you are stupid. I think he doesn't want peopleto think I am stupid.


I am very clumsy some days and I noticed that I do bang into things or things into other things when I get too much in my thoughts and not focused on what I am doing...and it probably comes across as uncaring for him

great

 

[Rescued One]

He completely denied putting his hands on my neck and squeezing! I don't get it. He says if I stop doing stupid things he'll stop calling me stupid dumb.

Call one of the numbers in post number 67. Don't use a phone he has access to.

 

[Rescued One]

Worst case scenario in leaving is the marriage falls apart, it isn't the goal but could happen. Could happen anyway. Worst case scenario in staying is the OP gets physically hurt or worse. She is already emotionally tormented.

Unless there are children, I'd rather be killed than live in a marriage like that.

 

[Castaway57]

It was suggested I put this in the advice forum so I am.

Is it my fault cause I swore?


He said I put my finger in his face and not to do that when he was driving. . But I was in the passenger side and could only angle my arm towards him up, maybe I was close.

He said because I opened the window to stop him yelling it showed him that I can betray him.

He kept at it so much that I swore at him 3 times the f word and he came to where I was sitting and grabbed me by the shoulders hard and pushed me back in the chair and then grabbed my neck pushing it back. I have red marks on my shoulders, but a little bit red on my neck but nothing permanent and they are fading. The areas burn.

He said I was not saved cause I swore.

He has physically assaulted you numerous times. You should call the police, and a counsellor to establish a safety plan for your self. What he has done to you is so wrong on so many levels, he has no right to quote the Bible when he is doing this to you. I hope and pray you will find the courage to do what is necessary to ensure your safety, and to have the police help you deal with him. Its not wrong, ever, to stand up for yourself when you are physically, and emotionally assaulted.

 

[Zoii]

He said he's does it to provoke me to achieve excellence. He said ""when someone called me stupid when I was younger it pushed me to excel but you just fold"" He said you don't want people to think you are stupid. I think he doesn't want peopleto think I am stupid.


I am very clumsy some days and I noticed that I do bang into things or things into other things when I get too much in my thoughts and not focused on what I am doing...and it probably comes across as uncaring for him

If you are clumsy on some days then there are three approaches he could take.

Bring it to your attention and ask what's going on, if your ok, and get you to be mindful.

He could say nothing acknowledging that your quite competent to recognise your own issues

Or he could ridicule you, making you feel paranoid, self conscious and worthless. This last choice is the choice of the bully, the one who has his own issues but targets the small ones in you. This is the choice of the incompetent and spiteful. This is the face of domestic abuse.

 

[ValleyGal]

Your husband does not seem to understand that just because telling him he was stupid and it motivated him to do better, does not mean that the same approach will work for everyone else. You are different than he is, you have a different temperament, different personality, different strengths, different interests, different values.

In fact, he is showing himself to be really stupid. Here is the definition of stupidity - doing the same thing over and over and over, and expecting a different outcome each time it's done. If he keeps doing the same things and expects it to magically and suddenly change things, then he is not too bright.

But...now we know where he gets his abusive behaviour from. He grew up with it. It might have motivated him to change, but it damaged his own self worth that he now feels that he has to go and emotionally (and physically) beat people down just to make himself feel better. He has some real issues that he will need to work on. A lot of pain. Next time he is mean to you, you can ask him what happened in his past that has caused such deep pain that he feels he needs to go around hurting others. ... hmm. On second thought, don't. It could get you beat up.

I hope you don't have children. With your reluctance to leave, the only thing that would happen is that you are enabling him to repeat the generational cycle.

 

[Itsahappyday]

Today he said that he doesn't think I am stupid but thinks I am intelligent. ...but only intelligent for the things / subjects I like ...Therefore I am intellectually lazy according to him.. he wants me to excel in all areas so he pushes me. It's so confusing. What is the truth...........

I am tired of always being on my guard.

I told him if he really loved me as I was when we were married then he should be happy with me today because I have improved in many ways, which he acknowledges but he's still not happy.

I feel like I will have to learn to master a poker face but I am not good at it.

 

[StillGods]

Why should you have to master a poker face, it's so sad you can't be yourself and feel on edge all the time.

Your husband is very discouraging in the way he behaves towards you and over time that will really harm you.

Please consider the advice of others here to separate yourself from this really negative environment, you are very precious and shouldn't be continually put down. It sounds like you will never be good enough for him (in his eyes) no matter how hard you try and no one can live with being around that negativity without it squashing them. You really do need to leave dear one. You are worth more than being treated so badly.

 

[Dave G.]

I feel like I will have to learn to master a poker face but I am not good at it.

No you don't need to be good at it, you are who you are, no need to be putting on false faces. You wouldn't do that for some wack job on the street, you would probably get as far away as you could with what ever face you had at that time..

I've seen people living a false self deliberately for the sake of someone else, like that, and later in life had a full blown nervous breakdown.

 

[Take Heart]

Today he said that he doesn't think I am stupid but thinks I am intelligent. ...but only intelligent for the things / subjects I like ...Therefore I am intellectually lazy according to him.. he wants me to excel in all areas so he pushes me. It's so confusing. What is the truth...........

Him saying he doesn't think your stupid but thinks your intelligent in things you like is contradicting all those times he's called you stupid/dumb and basically put you down. That's exactly the reason you are confused. Because his words and actions do not line up. At all. He's basically giving you a pathetic excuse to justify and keep calling you 'dumb/stupid' and to continue to put you down psychologically, emotionally, and physically. I hate it whenever I point out something that's bothering me (with family) whenever I'm at that brink of being tired of it all, and they talk back and try to rationalise their crappy words/behavior as if it's my fault and that it's me that's 'clearly' in the wrong according to them. I'll admit, I'm not perfect myself..but at least I try to make an effort. Some people don't. They're blind to their own behavior and how it's affecting people. When you're in an intimate relationship, it shouldn't feel like you're walking on eggshells- as another fellow poster mentioned. You should feel relaxed, loved, not confused about their words and actions, you should feel safe, you should feel cherished, you should feel protected, you should feel like your old natural self. If none of those things are what you are experiencing and feeling in your relationship, then you need to seriously consider what you're constantly, day to day, practically 24/7 of your precious time and life are allowing to continue. You are the only one who can change and break this heart-breaking and abusive cycle by leaving. You have the power and authority to leave any time. You do not have to continue experiencing this day in and day out where you end up shrinking within yourself and feel like a prisoner in your own home and relationship. We are offering you the keys to being free once and for all. It's only you who can turn that key and make the actual decision to do something about this.

I, for one, will not tolerate that kind of behavior or any pathetic and sorry excuse, or poisonous, demeaning words that come out of my so called 'husband'. I would pack my bags or kick him out and get a restraining order and to let people know what's really going on behind closed doors. Do not for one second think his behavior is normal. It is anything but. Healthy, thriving, and loving relationships are NOT like this. At all.

Are you willing to allow yourself to stay in this relationship and continue to endure this kind of lifestyle and environment?

 

[Castaway57]

He has physically assaulted you numerous times. You should call the police, and a counsellor to establish a safety plan for your self. What he has done to you is so wrong on so many levels, he has no right to quote the Bible when he is doing this to you. I hope and pray you will find the courage to do what is necessary to ensure your safety, and to have the police help you deal with him. Its not wrong, ever, to stand up for yourself when you are physically, and emotionally assaulted.

Ten Things Never present In A healthy Marriage

 

[JAM2b]

I fear for you safety. Please do whatever it takes to get away from him.

 

[Itsahappyday]

I wish the Lord would show someone he respects that could talk to him in my defense. If it came from the Lord or someone else I would not be blamed or at least I would hope not.

I know that one time I was praying for someone without knowing their situation and the Lord gave me insight into what was happening to her that I had no way of knowing so I believe that the Lord could do it again for me

 

[JAM2b]

That is a possibility, but that's something you can't do anything about. That is up to God, and even then, it is up to your husband to be willing to to listen.

The only thing you can do is focus on yourself. Get yourself safe, get your head and heart calm and healing. Then make decisions about your next move.

You don't have to have it all figured out, and it's not your job to fix this because you are not causing it. Just get safe and stay safe, then see overtime what happens.

 

[RisenInJesus]

He wants me to delete the photos I took a few days ago. Made the mistake of telling him when he denied it earlier today. He's saying now that I am rat, I am an idiot. He's saying now that he told me to move from the chair but wouldn't.

He said I can't use the car for my appointment tomorrow, to take a cab.

He complained that I am distant tonight. I havr a hard time turning on a dime.

He also asked if he'd die (in future ) would I speak bad about him and would people remember him in a negative way? Told him it's not my style to do that but he's concerned about his reputation.

I share here cause I am alone, no one knows how he treats me at home.

Praying you will seek and find resources for support and help. Just know that you are not alone. First, God is with you and He sees how you are being treated behind closed doors. Also, there are many others who have been or are in situations as you are. Reading their stories, struggles, fears, and ways in which they found strength and help brings encouragement and insight.

Don’t Let a Hypocrite Make You Think You are a Second Rate Christian

https://flyingfreenow.com/

 

[RisenInJesus]

He said he's does it to provoke me to achieve excellence. He said ""when someone called me stupid when I was younger it pushed me to excel but you just fold"" He said you don't want people to think you are stupid. I think he doesn't want peopleto think I am stupid.


I am very clumsy some days and I noticed that I do bang into things or things into other things when I get too much in my thoughts and not focused on what I am doing...and it probably comes across as uncaring for him

It is most likely stress form the fear and conditions you are living under.

 

[GirdYourLoins]

Unless there are children, I'd rather be killed than live in a marriage like that.

As someone who was brought up by a father who was ausive, I would want to get any children away from a father like this.

 

[Rescued One]

As someone who was brought up by a father who was ausive, I would want to get any children away from a father like this.

Ok, definitely. But if I had children, I wouldn't want to be killed.

 

[Grandliseur]

It was suggested I put this in the advice forum so I am.

Is it my fault cause I swore?

I don't think I can take any more but I can't leave because I don't believe in divorce and it would give the name of Jesus a bad name. I am so tired.

I didn't swear for years but now in the past months I do swear ...Lord forgive me!!! But it's been a few years my husband has been calling me names, 4 months after we were married, like dumb stupid lazy useless, says other people think I am dumb too and most times I try to be quiet and not respond or would try to defend myself without retaliation. But I got angry tonight, it was too much.

He's said to me last year that he was disappointed in me and because he knows how the Lord thinks, the Lord is disappointed in me too. He often makes tick sounds with his tongue during the day in response to things I say or do, to show his disgust or disapproval.

I pray that my husband will forgive me for calling him names and that our marriage will be restored. I also prat that if necessary his mistreatment of me would be revealed to others but most importantly without me having to say a word or reveal anything so that I will not get blamed for revealing any thing.

I cannot go to anyone cause if he treats me bad like this for trivialities (it's not all the time though) I would be super afraid of what he in the privacy of our own home afterwards for something as big as going public with this. It would be over cause I would be too scared at that point

Pray please that he will appreciate me for who I am, that he would love me right. And stop calling me dumb stupid.

He used to call me names more often and worse, but he has improved and I believe in response to prayers on this forum before.

I get criticized for the way I speak, the way I eat (too fast), the way I drink (make too much noise), my weight, the way I do things... too often.... yet then he'll compliment me out of the blue, like he'll say he's proud of me.

Friday we were at the mall and he told me to wait in the driver seat for him to return, and to move the car if someone is behind me but to stay put .

A car came up to I drove forward and I turned the corner and a parking space was just becoming liberated. I waited a few minutes and texted him to let me know where I was when he comes out.

He was so angry that I was not waiting in front near the exit and got upset, called me stupid, dumb etc.... He said he only meant moving a foot of two to let cars pass.

I tried to explain myself but it didn't work.

So I opened the window cause I knew he would stop yelling at me and he did. Window goes up and he continues.

So at one point I angled my finger towards him and said he was a hypocrite. He grabbed my wrist so hard that it burned and 30 minutes later the pink imprint of my watch was still there on my skin. I went to church later trying not to burst into tears during the meeting.

He said I put my finger in his face and not to do that when he was driving. . But I was in the passenger side and could only angle my arm towards him up, maybe I was close.

He said because I opened the window to stop him yelling it showed him that I can betray him.

Tonight I did an excel sheet of all medical expenses. He started to yell at me cause i put notes in the 1st column, so I told him I will fix it. I removed them and resent him the file. Then he was upset because I had put all of the expenses even those covered by insurance on the sheet at 0.00 (I had highlighted those that we paid). I initially understood when he started yelling at me that he wanted them all at the nearest dollar but then understood he meant just put those expenses we were not reimbursed for. So he started yelling again and calling me stupid and dumb cause an accountant wouldn't need those figures. Saying he would give it to someone else to do. I said all he had to say was to remove the ones at 0.00 .....but I had put them all there as I was listing every one to be sure not to miss any.

He kept at it so much that I swore at him 3 times the f word and he came to where I was sitting and grabbed me by the shoulders hard and pushed me back in the chair and then grabbed my neck pushing it back. I have red marks on my shoulders, but a little bit red on my neck but nothing permanent and they are fading. The areas burn.

He said I was not saved cause I swore. When I told him I was not like this before he said yes you were ...it was in you all the time but it only came out now. Like it's being revealed now. How can anyone deal with being called stupid so many times.

I have to admit after he roughed me up I swore at him again a few times because I am so angry at being put down.. at one point after I said a swear word he looks up and said ."you hear her Lord"....as if I am the bad guy.

He took the computer off my desk, saying it was his and I had to put my stuff in a plastic container where it remains.

Afterwards last night he came to see me insisting that he didn't call me dumb or stupid and that I swore first then he called me dumb/stupid.

So I told him it didn't happen that way, that he called me dumb stupid first.

After me repeating the truth to him, he says " I said you were being dumb....."

So I kept on insisting that was not true and he starts raising his voice, calling me lazy and dumb and stupid ..again.

I help him at times with his work. He rarely helps me with things around the house. I make his meals, get his snacks, coffee water, do errands for him...but it's like he forgets. When I help him he's all appreciative then later I am lazy and do nothing again according to him.

Seriously is this a spiritual attack of some sort? What confusion!

He has grabbed me by the neck before when he was in the kitchen months ago. I threw a knife into the sink cause I was frustrated at what he was saying to me, into his precious sink, and he had grabbed me by the collar and twisted my sweater and pushed me back. I had some marks. But now he says I threw the knife at him which is not true cause he was diagonally in front of me and the sink was to his left about a foot or two away and I did a side throw into the sink.

I am so so so so tired of being called dumb and stupid.

No one would believe me and would probably blame me by saying I am not saved or that he married beneath him. If I said anything or revealed it he probably would tell everyone that I am not saved and an angel of light, something he's said to me before which really hurts and lie about things.

2 years ago I used to call prayer lines when he used to call me names but when he found out I called them he called me a spiritual whor.... so I promised him I would not call again.

I have seen him reveal things about people behind their backs which discredit them, making him the good gut but with me, if he discredits me publicly right now, it will bring him down too so he only does it to me in private.

He is so good at being kind, considerate outside the home. He knows the Word of God very well and prays beautifully and is highly respected by a lot of people, but not all.

I am the loser, the one with no talent or accomplishments that he married and as he says is blessed to be with him. He said other women we know would love to be in my shoes and starts naming them.

He's not evil but like me has areas he needs to work on. I have to stop swearing.

The devil would love for us to be divorced but I want to obey the Lord.

That was too much for me to read.
Here are some guide lines. Divorce causes a lot of problems emotional, economical, so care needs be taken before such a serious step.

Divorce reasons
While adultery and fornication are reasons for divorce. There is another less known one, but if your husband isn't violent, I would suggest you talk to him or a councilor and show him that his behavior is causing real heartbreak.

Less known reason for divorce

1 Cor 7:
13 If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. 14 For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. 15 But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. 16 Wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife? ​

Here we have a reason for divorce that clearly turns about abuse. It is not consenting to be with a wife or a husband if such is being abusive. As Paul said, we are called to peace. While Paul speaks about an unbeliever and a believer, the thing is that unchristian behavior such as abuse -- makes that person unchristian so that a divorce would be possible within the Christian faith.

However, God hates divorces:

Malachi 2:Now was it not, One, [who] made [you] who had, the residue of the spirit? What, then, of that One? He was seeking a godly seed. Therefore should ye take heed to your spirit, and, with the wife of thy youth, do not thou deal treacherously. 16 For he hateth divorce, saith Yahweh, God of Israel, him also who covereth with violence his own clothing, saith Yahweh of hosts,—therefore should ye take heed to your spirit, and not deal treacherously.
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So, divorcing because of falling in love with someone else, or because of trivia -- will not please God. However, being abused and if you can leave, do it; however, if you can get counseling from people who not just takes your husband's side but can see what is going on at a deeper level might be what you need first.

Marriage can be a real trial. Sorry you are having such pains. Men can be so insensitive. (But, be sure it isn't because of him feeling deprived of sexual necessities.) Marriage can be so complex.

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