Is It Moral To Pursue Someone In A Relationship?

[quatona]

I'm sure the guy would see it the same way.

That´s his prerogative. However, I reserve the right to see things the way I see them, and the fact that someone else sees them differently is not yet a reason to change my opinion.

What is really wrong here is not her, it is the guy making the offer to break apart people.

I don´t think that breaking people apart is his goal. His goal is a certain kind of relationship with the girl. If this relationship conflicts with another relationship of hers it´s her business to get that sorted.

If this guy was trying to drive a wedge between you and a friend, i'm sure you could see what's wrong with this offer.

No, I couldn´t. If I have a committed relationship with a person she´s the one to talk to about these things. Whilst I have no relationship or contract whatsoever with this other guy.

I have never understood why someone who has been "cheated" complains his "rival" instead of his partner (or the quality of the partnership).

 

[david_x]

I have never understood why someone who has been "cheated" complains his "rival" instead of his partner (or the quality of the partnership).

When involved in a relationship people tend to grow attached to the other person in the relationship. The person becomes like an arm, or an extra heart. When that bond is severed it is hard to see anything that is self, so the anger is thrust (and due) upon the one with the knife. (if it was on purpose)

 

[quatona]

When involved in a relationship people tend to grow attached to the other person in the relationship. The person becomes like an arm, or an extra heart. When that bond is severed it is hard to see anything that is self, so the anger is thrust (and due) upon the one with the knife. (if it was on purpose)

Yes, I see how this makes sense if you think of persons in a relationship as objects who are entirely passive and helpless when exposed to offers, and if you think of an offer as being a knife. I don´t.

Personally, I could accept the analogy of the knife if we were talking about forcing someone - but as far as I have understood rape is not the topic here. I tend to think that my partner - other than an arm or second heart - has a say in what she does and does not.

I don´t know how other persons approach their committed relationship, but I have never heard of those promises of commitment and/or sexual exclusivity coming with the qualifier "unless someone tries to seduce me, in which case I´ll be a helpless victim and you better not expect me to be capable of refuting the offer". I mean, that´s the very point of commitment, isn´t it?

If you think of your partner as an extension of yourself I guess it would be reasonable to blame yourself (or the extension of yourself) for doing something that you feel harms yourself.

 

[david_x]

Yes, I see how this makes sense if you think of persons in a relationship as objects who are entirely passive and helpless when exposed to offers, and if you think of an offer as being a knife. I don´t.

Personally, I could accept the analogy of the knife if we were talking about forcing someone - but as far as I have understood rape is not the topic here.

I don´t know how other persons approach their committed relationship, but I have never heard of those promises of commitment and/or sexual exclusivity coming with the qualifier "unless someone tries to seduce me, in which case I´ll be a helpless victim and you better not expect me to resist". I mean, that´s the very point of commitment, isn´t it?

If you think of your partner as an extension of yourself I guess it would be reasonable to blame yourself (or the extension of yourself) for doing something that you feel harms yourself.

An if. No relationship is so stable that one or both the people are incapable of being led astray in a moment of weakness. There are spots in every relationship where doubt seeps in. Does this mean that they will break up? Not unless someone puts a dangerous idea into their mind. This is where the knife comes in.

 

[quatona]

An if. No relationship is so stable that one or both the people are incapable of being led astray in a moment of weakness.

Well, I think of my weaknesses as being something I have to take care of and deal with myself.
But I understand how finding myself someone else to blame and shift the ethical responsibility for breaking my promises upon is more convenient.

 

[david_x]

Well, I think of my weaknesses as being something I have to take care of and deal with myself.
But I understand how finding myself someone else to blame and shift the ethical responsibility upon is more convenient.

Of course, but this does not have some effect on the guilt of the destroyer.

 

[quatona]

Of course, but this does not have some effect on the guilt of the destroyer.

If I don´t keep my promises, I am the destroyer. I fail to see how pointing to someone making me an attractive offer changes anything about that. I just would have to have said "no". If that´s too great a responsibility to take for my actions I see how that would require me to find someone else to blame for the results of my actions.
It´s funny to see at which point even people who keep emphasizing "personal responsibility for your choices" at every corner forget about that creed.

 

[cantata]

Personally I think I’d rather avoid getting involved with someone who was lying to another partner about their relationship with me, primarily because that doesn’t sound like a very trustworthy person to have as a partner. If they’re willing to be dishonest with someone they are supposed to care about, then I must expect that they’ll be dishonest with me, too.

I spent over two years in a relationship with someone I loved very deeply. After he passed away, I learned that when we started going out, he was still dating another woman, and lying to both of us. For months after he and I got together, he was still stringing this other girlfriend along.

I know I didn’t do anything wrong, because I didn’t even know she existed until long after he and I got together, and then he gave me the impression that he had broken up with her before he started dating me. But if I had known, I would have got right out of there straight away. I loved him dearly, and I miss him every day. But his dishonesty was insidious and it crept into every part of our relationship. A lot of strange things make sense now that I know he was able to lie like that.

People who are willing to break promises they have made to those they supposedly love are not people I would recommend as partners. Of course, meeting someone new could all be above-board—as someone who is not a huge fan of demanding sexual exclusivity, I know this very well—and if it out in the open and everyone’s okay with it, that’s fine. But if you think there’s lying going on, then I would suggest that getting involved is simply imprudent, laying aside any moral issues.