Is it healing to share?

[dusky_tresses]

I've been lurking this subforum for a while but never posted anything. One thing that I am doing in my personal life is seeking counseling for various issues, and one of them is facing up to all the abuse I've experienced in the past. It's not something I discuss readily with friends because I have learned to be on my guard about things and who I can trust with certain bits of information. From what I can see here in this forum, it seems talking and sharing is of some comfort.

Does it help to share? Or does it only make you think of past hurts that you don't want to re-experience? If it helps, why?

 

[LaBarre]

Hi dusky_tresses,

From my personal experience, it helps to share when you are ready to share. In fact, when the time was right, it was a huge help.

In the beginning, the only person I told was someone I trusted very, very well.
The relief I felt came from having another human being hear the truth of my life - the secret was finally out - and it was in the hands of someone who was so touched and honored by my trusting him, that I knew the secret would never be revealed unless I wanted it to be.

Also, when seeing the compassion this person had for what had happened to me, to hear him tell me over and over again that I was not at fault, and that what was done to me was completely wrong, I finally, slowly, learned and accepted that I was truly an innocent party in the abuse, and that the abusers were morally and legally at fault.

Finally, later in recovery, there came a point where telling the facts of my life felt GREAT! I wanted someone to witness what I had been through - I wanted to share the anger and outrage at what had happened...and I wanted them to be outraged too! It was extremely liberating.

Now, I can tell almost anybody what happened. Not in great detail, but I now have no shame in telling people that I was abused, because through telling the facts of my life, I've learned that I have no reason to be considerable responsible for crimes committed against me.

I hope you find a therapist that you will come to trust - it may take a long time. It took me months to even begin to start trusting. But not everyone is the same. Sometimes, all I could share, was one sentence at a time, which, for someone recovering from abuse - is actually quite an important and large step forward.

Did it make me think past hurts that I didn't want to re-experience? Yes, but in a good way - only when I was ready for it. It's still painful, but for me the surprising thing was - when you have an understanding person to share it with - it's not a gut-wrenching ripping sort of pain. I think the "aloneness" of an abuse survivor really aggravates the pain. When someone stays with you and listens, their acceptance is very healing, their sadness and anger at what was done to you....is priceless. Finally, someone knows the great injustice you suffered, they suffer a little for you, and it release a lot of pain.

I'll be happy to answer any other questions you might have.

LaBarre

 

[dusky_tresses]

Even if you are the one who is ready to share, how can you trust that others will be ready?

 

[LaBarre]

You mentioned that you were seeking counseling....are you wondering if a counselor would be ready to hear you? If you have a professional counselor (one that is trained and licensed), they he/she will be ready. And very willing. They will have experienced how healing it is for their clients to tell the story of their lives.

If you are talking about your friends or family....that's a much trickier sort of thing. Some people end up so shocked that you were abused that they will not believe what you are saying. They may think you are exaggerating, or just downright not believe you. An awful truth like that can be very hard for people to hear....and to protect themselves from it...they will deny that it could be possible. If I went back to my hometown and told my old friends and neighbors what my dad and other relatives did to me, they would throw me out of town. I can't tell you how many times someone would tell me how wonderful my father was - how they wish their father were like mine. They never saw him while he was beating me up, or screaming at me for 4 or 5 hours at a time, night after night.

Some people, will have already known another friend or relative that was abused, and will have some understanding of how secretive and shameful this problem is....that it does happen without the neighbors ever seeing it. Those people might be more ready.

I don't know who you are thinking about talking to. Can you simply ask them....I would like to share something very difficult with you...do you think you are ready to hear it?

Another thing to ask yourself is, are you ready to handle whatever their reaction might be...positive or negative?

LaBarre

 

[Johnnz]

Sharing is necessary. But sharing with the right person is critical.

John
NZ

 

[dusky_tresses]

Has anyone noticed that they can't share anything with the people close to them, such as friends, family, or a spouse?

 

[Johnnz]

Yes. That's very common.

John
NZ

 

[Criada]

Has anyone noticed that they can't share anything with the people close to them, such as friends, family, or a spouse?

Very much so... it is too much of a risk, I think... or feels that way. If they don't respond in a supportive way, it would make things much worse, whereas talking to someone less close is less risky..
I suppose that is why therapists and counsellors earn a living!

 

[cherishmj]

It is very hard to share at first, especially sometimes with those we care most about, we worry if sharing will effect the relationships we have with that person, or how they may think of us once they know the information. In my experience when I shared what happened to me, I was shunned by a lot of my family (because some of my abusers were family members), but I found a lot of support from other members of the family, friends, and therapists. After the initial shock of telling people, and dealing with the struggle of the abondonment by some of my family I felt very liberated almost as if it was empowering because I was finally telling my abusers "I will not hold your secrets any longer!" The more I talked about it, the more I do feel I was able to begin the healing process. Now, I share my story to groups of people to spread awareness and hope to others who may be experiencing similiar situations, and now find that if sharing my story helps one more person find the strength to break free from abuse they may be facing and to seek help, then sharing was not only healing for me but the beginning steps of healing for them, and so well worth opening up to these large groups of people. You may eventually open up to lots of people or you may be one whom only shares with your therapist, but once you break the silence, and move that darkness into the light I am sure you will begin that new level of healing too.

 

[dusky_tresses]

With this issue, I sometimes come across black and white thinking. As in, "you shouldn't talk about it EVER" and "you HAVE to share it." IMO, there isn't a lot of in-between.

 

[Johnnz]

True. You either do or don't. But most people share progressively as they gain confidence in whoever they are talking to.

John
NZ

 

[dusky_tresses]

What do you say to the responses such as "the past should stay in the past," or "get over it," or "you're not living in the past anymore"?

I am learning through counseling that no matter what we do (or think we are doing), the past eventually creeps up on us.

 

[Johnnz]

None of those statements are true. We have memories of past events.They are there. We have mental and emotional connections and associations that continue to effect us. The past is not dead. that is why we must address and process those bad times, and discover how Jesus can help us walk through them.

John
NZ

 

[BigDaddy4]

What do you say to the responses such as "the past should stay in the past," or "get over it," or "you're not living in the past anymore"?

Someone who says those things are stuffers. They want to stuff the past somewhere in their dark past and not think about it. They are afraid or unwilling to deal with reality. That's their problem, not yours. You have enough of your own, don't take theirs on, too! Just thank them for listening, let them know that you are trying to get over it, and then leave it at that.

I am learning through counseling that no matter what we do (or think we are doing), the past eventually creeps up on us.

It's a wound that has not healed. When you cut your finger, you take care of it right when it happens so it doesn't get infected.

Abuse is like a deep wound that we often times don't deal with properly. If we seek medical attention, cleanse and sterilize the wound, etc. the wound will heal. There may be some scarring, but eventually the pain goes away. However, if we just try to hide the wound and pretend it's not there, more than likely it will become infected and cause greater pain and take longer to heal.

This is similar to abuse. My wife is just now dealing with something that happened to her almost 30 years ago. It has affected and infected our marriage greatly, almost to the point of divorce. However, now that she is dealing with it properly through counseling, we are on a path to healing.

 

[nautical999]

i think what will help the best is sharing with someone here prior to sharing with family or friends. Kind of like a trial run. I am sure that with all of us here we can give you a run down of every scenario you will face or hear from family, friends, kind of like a sounding board. That's what we are here for.

 

[jmsclayton]

Hi

sharing

It helps me when others share.

Thoughts?

Judith

 

[michaelwriting]

I agree with a lot of the posts here.

I was a completely shy introvert. I kept everything inside. When I finally started sharing all the stuff that was built up inside of me, it started like a little trickle, then it became like a dam bursting out. I started crying and feeling. I felt the anger and the sorrow that I had been stuffing inside. I finally started processing the feelings that I never really dealt with.

I agree that it needs to be with someone you can trust. A person you feel safe and comfortable with sharing deep secrets that you don't want others to know. I have done a number of 12-step programs, and they are pretty safe to share in (and the meetings don't cost anything, only cost a couple bucks donation in the tray). Otherwise, there might be groups at churches, or other support groups you can find through the internet. It does help if you can find others who went through similar problems as you did.

As another said, it is healing both to let it out, and to hear others experience too. Helps us feel like we are not alone.

God be with you. Be strong and keep fighting for your recovery.

Mike

 

[over the rainbow]

x

 

[Johnnz]

I agree with real care in who you share with. Many pastors and well meaning people just don't have the necessary skills or knowledge to help abused people, as there are complexities arising from the trauma abuse can bring. But a competent, caring person can help with real transformation.

John
NZ