Is it good to try to change spouses?

[Avniel]

I think one should promote a healthy environment within the relationship where open communication encourages growth.

 

[Hetta]

Ana the Ist.....what a great example of building trust and security into a marriage. Way to go!

I agree.

Thank you Ana. You have some awesome insights into marriage.

 

[razzelflabben]

My wife had trust issues when I met her and they continued on into the first year or two of our marriage. I knew they weren't an aspect of her character, that she was inherently mistrusting...because she had and did trust others quite easily. It was part of the damage done to her in her previous relationship...her ex had repeatedly broken her trust over and over again. It had become more and more ingrained in her mind over those three years that she couldn't trust the guy she was with. To say that this distrust bled into our relationship would be putting it mildly...I could tell some stories that seemed insane at the time and now are just funny.

So obviously, since I love her and want our marriage to work, I wanted to resolve these trust issues. Her behavior was this: become angry and hold it inside, explode at me with some baseless accusations when I tried to find out why she was angry, then stew in her anger when I refused to admit to whatever wrongdoing she mistrusted me for. I wouldn't apologize for anything I haven't done...though I will apologize for mistakes I make. This would aggravate her. If I became angry at her accusations, it was if I were adding fuel to the fire. So here's what I did...

First, I had to make sure she had no reason to distrust me. No secret email accounts, no locked boxes, no hidden anything. I wasn't doing anything I shouldn't have so this wasn't really hard...but it was important for her to know I had no secrets to hide. Second, when I sensed she was angry at something...I made her explain it. Instead of getting angry at her, or telling her how crazy the accusations sounded, I simply told her how much it hurt that she didn't trust me. I let her know that I knew it was because of what happened to her in her past...and that I'd help her get through it. I told her I'd earn her trust if it took the rest of my life. Then I'd usually leave the argument there...I'd ignore her if she still tried to fight about it. If she calmed down, I'd go back to spending time with her...giving her my love and affection.

It only took a little while before she really turned the corner. She realized that all the time she spent angry at me was wasted and only hurting me and herself. She realized it was all about her insecurities and nothing to do with anything I did. She ended up letting her guard down and opening herself up to being hurt by trusting me...instead of just not trusting me and expecting the worst every time.

She trusts me completely, as I do her. We hide nothing from each other, yet neither of us feel the need to snoop into phones or emails or anything really. When she realized how much she'd changed, how I'd helped her, she almost cried because of how much better it was to trust each other instead of the fear, anger, insecurity, guilt, and all the other awful things that came along with the mistrust. We even joke now about some of the things she used to accuse me of and get mad over...though I think she's a little embarrassed about some of them.

So the point here is that it's not necessarily bad to try and change something about someone, but be sure of the reasons you do it. I didn't want my wife to trust me so I could get away with things I shouldn't be doing...I wanted it to stop hurting her, and me, and our marriage. I wanted her to be happy, and I knew that couldn't happen without trust.

mutual righteousness through headship (example) and response wife of noble character's response of a submissive (pure, reverent, gentle, peaceable lifestyle) Go God! for giving us the answers that work!

 

[Tropical Wilds]

Sometimes I think its my job to tell them what they are doing wrong and what they should be doing to be right.

And to quote Dr. Phil... "How's that working for you?"

 

[1watchman]

Mostly good posts here. One note is most worthy --change self first (note Matt. 7:1-5). It always seems better to be careful how one speaks of the failure or weakness in the other spouse. Over 50 years of marriage has somewhat taught me a need to be more careful, lest I offend and discourage my wife rather than encourage and help. I love her much and surely do not want to trouble her.

 

[mkgal1]

Good point, Watchman. It's difficult to grasp (I think, anyway) *how* to build others up.....and not tear them down.

 

[Kylie]

Sometimes I think its my job to tell them what they are doing wrong and what they should be doing to be right.

Show them alternative ways of doing things, by all means. But don't try to change their nature. I fell in love with my husband for who he is. If I change his nature, he won't be the man I fell in love with anymore.