Is it common to...

[Bellicus]

Guess not.

 

[kat69]

What was your question????

Kat

 

[Bellicus]

What was your question????

Kat

I asked if it is normal to have problems with sexuality for those that have experienced sexual abuse as children.

 

[kat69]

Yes, I believe it is...it's something I struggle with and have for a long time...

 

[UnitynLove]

I asked if it is normal to have problems with sexuality for those that have experienced sexual abuse as children.

Yes.

 

[BlessedMommy05]

Yes and I still struggle with it every single day of my life and I'm married also have a child.. I dont care for sex but some times I wish I can just do it and not be so intimidated..

 

[Johnnz]

Yes it is, especially if the abuse began very early and thereby formed a person's first understanding of sex.

Sex can get bundled up with fear, disgust, being controlled, being hurt. For some people their sexuality is activated and they become very sexual, but often in ways that degrade them in their own eyes.

I can take time and effort, plus some imaginative counsel to change those negative associations.

John
NZ

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

I asked if it is normal to have problems with sexuality for those that have experienced sexual abuse as children.

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Most definitely. The experience will warp you to some degree and leave you "wired" to respond in certain ways to ideas or images you might normally have found repulsive. You may find yourself dealing with sexual fantasies that disturb you and make you uncomfortable or ill-at-ease about yourself, or even temptations for things you know to be wrong and despicable but you cannot help the lust factor there. It would not be at all uncommon for someone molested as a child to struggle with pedophilic baggage, sexual masochism, or attaching sexual excitement to the idea of being forced, tricked, seduced into it or otherwise "corrupted" by the experience. Sexual imprinting, make no mistake, bes a formidable force to be reckoned with. Normal healthy sex with a loving spouse can seem dull or just plain incomprehensible.

Conversely a person who got abused could also find themselves turned off, frozen, non-responsive sexually, repelled by the thought of sexual contact or otherwise avoidant and averse to it.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Yes it is, especially if the abuse began very early and thereby formed a person's first understanding of sex.

Sex can get bundled up with fear, disgust, being controlled, being hurt. For some people their sexuality is activated and they become very sexual, but often in ways that degrade them in their own eyes.

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Good summation. And the dirtiness, being controlled, being hurt, and degradation itself can be such a powerful factor in sexual arousal that it becomes nearly impossible to experience sexual pleasure without these.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Mods, do we have a show/hide type feature on this forum, so that stuff that might trigger can be hidden and the reader must click a button to view it?

Might be good for responding to things when the response discusses stuff others might find harmfully triggering.

 

[Bellicus]

Yes it is, especially if the abuse began very early and thereby formed a person's first understanding of sex.

Sex can get bundled up with fear, disgust, being controlled, being hurt. For some people their sexuality is activated and they become very sexual, but often in ways that degrade them in their own eyes.

I can take time and effort, plus some imaginative counsel to change those negative associations.

John
NZ

Most definitely. The experience will warp you to some degree and leave you "wired" to respond in certain ways to ideas or images you might normally have found repulsive. You may find yourself dealing with sexual fantasies that disturb you and make you uncomfortable or ill-at-ease about yourself, or even temptations for things you know to be wrong and despicable but you cannot help the lust factor there. It would not be at all uncommon for someone molested as a child to struggle with pedophilic baggage, sexual masochism, or attaching sexual excitement to the idea of being forced, tricked, seduced into it or otherwise "corrupted" by the experience. Sexual imprinting, make no mistake, bes a formidable force to be reckoned with. Normal healthy sex with a loving spouse can seem dull or just plain incomprehensible.

Conversely a person who got abused could also find themselves turned off, frozen, non-responsive sexually, repelled by the thought of sexual contact or otherwise avoidant and averse to it.

Thanks for answering everyone.

After hating myself and feeling like a evil person for most of my youth and adult life I've come to the conclusion that there simply was a series of bad things I experienced as a child that most likely have had a very negative impact on me. And I am tired of hating myself, I am tired of all the guilt and shame and I refuse to take it anymore, cause I really can't help being who I am. I wish I could be like everyone else, to be a normal, well functioning member of society, but something inside of me is destroyed and I don't know how to fix it. There is really no barriers in my mind when it comes to sexuality. I think I am able to feel aroused by anything, and I have no clear sexual identity. I've put several kinds of labels on myself over the years, but I can see that none of it make any sense. I've been in relationships with women and been capable of having sex, but honestly I think that I would feel about the same if I had sex with another man and I don't think men are pretty at all. The body of women is pretty, but more pretty like a statue then pretty like something attractive. I'm just terribly confused by all of it and I can't see any logic in it, other then what may have caused it all to become like it is.

The worst thing though is to feel so alone with all of it and to hate myself so deeply because of it. I feel pretty sure that if I explained all I've been trough then almost everyone would show understanding, it is not like I am a criminal or anything, but I also know that they all would avoid me like I have the plague or something because my mind is so utterly twisted and because most people would get defense-mechanisms triggered by me crossing all borders of what is considered a taboo while explaining all of it. So I have mostly given up the hope of ever getting a normal life. I would like to work at a florist and to be around people that don't stress and are friendly, and I would like to get a wife, but I got too much anxiety to work, and I don't want to a women to have someone like me. Even if I found someone I liked and that could like me, then I know that the chances are small for anyone to deal with all my problems, and I can't handle it myself to live in secrecy about it and pretend that I am just like everyone else. So I will just continue to live like I've had, like some kind of monster hiding in a cave, praying to become clean, but never seeing the end of my own polluted mind.

 

[kat69]

Bellicus,



I read so much pain in your post and I wish I knew how to answer you. I, myself, have gone through some bad stuff and am still trying to deal with it. I can't quite but it down into words at this time. Please know that others understand and are here to support you in anyway we can.

I'm always here to listen....


Kat

 

[Johnnz]

You need to rework some issues, beginning with really understanding your identity in Christ. That must form the basis of how you see yourself. That is not a simplistic suggestion - it takes time and some application to do that, and often involves someone else, such as a skilled counsellor or similar, to guide you through that.

It is very likely that our real sexuality is buried under lots of confusing, guilt laden stuff. relearning healthy sexuality is not a quick process either.

But God has not written you off. He has much more than mere existence in His desires for you.

Bless you
John
NZ

 

[over the rainbow]

x

 

[Bellicus]

Thanks for the feedback everyone, I feel a bit better today and hope it will continue to feel like that.

You need to rework some issues, beginning with really understanding your identity in Christ. That must form the basis of how you see yourself. That is not a simplistic suggestion - it takes time and some application to do that, and often involves someone else, such as a skilled counsellor or similar, to guide you through that.

It is very likely that our real sexuality is buried under lots of confusing, guilt laden stuff. relearning healthy sexuality is not a quick process either.

But God has not written you off. He has much more than mere existence in His desires for you.

I don't think there are any such thing as counselors where I live. At least I've never heard of it.

And I think you are right that the real thing could be buried under all the other things. I've seen glimpses of it before, but I don't know how to see more of it or what caused me to see it earlier.

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

I am tired of all the guilt and shame and I refuse to take it anymore, cause I really can't help being who I am. I wish I could be like everyone else, to be a normal, well functioning member of society, but something inside of me is destroyed and I don't know how to fix it. There is really no barriers in my mind when it comes to sexuality. I think I am able to feel aroused by anything, and I have no clear sexual identity.

Spoiler: possible *triggers* re sexuality outside the 'norm'

Moriah can relate to that. It has a primary "paraphilia" so to speak out of which spawns whatever They want to imprint into it as a result, some of it really twisted, but all of it stemming from the single "fetish" and without that, none of it possible. In other words They completely control its sexuality. It cannot discuss this openly on CF though without getting into trouble. PM if you want actual conversation in depth.

I also know that they all would avoid me like I have the plague or something because my mind is so utterly twisted and because most people would get defense-mechanisms triggered by me crossing all borders of what is considered a taboo while explaining all of it. So I have mostly given up the hope of ever getting a normal life.

Believe it or not, somewhere out there bes one suited for you, who can handle it, and love you inclusively (not in spite of it or in hopes you will change but really truly love YOU for YOU, ALL of you). Moriah knows because it has found such a one for itself, who also has his own dark secrets, and we bes compatible and find true and genuine love together, which makes life far more bearable and manageable for us both, as we would both individually be sunk down to the depths otherwise. There bes someone out there for you. Let fate and destiny guide you to them, and them to you.

I can't handle it myself to live in secrecy about it and pretend that I am just like everyone else.

Spoiler: possible *triggers* re predatory nature

This bes much of why daimonizomai has also left society. It has lost all capacity to pretend even long enough to "get something done" in the human world that requires maintenance of such a facade. Hard enough just to nip out to the store for something. When you see yourself as a predator -- and this does not have to be sexual per se though that could be part of it too; Moriah perceives itself as something of an astral exsanguinator, a corruptor of innocence entirely functional in the cerebral and spiritual realms without even the need to involve the grosser vehicles, if you want to know (and even if you don't) -- everyone starts looking like either food or obstacle.

So I will just continue to live like I've had, like some kind of monster hiding in a cave, praying to become clean, but never seeing the end of my own polluted mind.

Moriah feels like that too. It cannot offer a solution, obviously, being here itself, but it can at least let you know you bes not alone. And if you ever need to talk about the real feelings and reality of your being that you cannot share with others, you may feel free to come talk with Moriah about it, and thus maybe feel less alone.

 

[Johnnz]

This can be just a mental task, or it can lead to useful insights. Abuse implants a lot of negativity which becomes like sunglasses that colour everything else. Inner scripts are adopted that dominate the way we think. We need to discover the reality of how Jesus sees us an dwork from that perspective. For example:

I am worthless - You are a valued person
I am dirty, defiled - Jesus offers you total absolution
Nobody would want me - You were designed for loving human relationships
I am ashamed - Jesus is not ashamed of you. You are His delight
I am scared of God, people, being found out - We can reconstruct our lives around God's unconditional love for us
Sex is dirty, frightening - Sex is a fundamental part of our being to be enjoyed.

Any insights come bit by bit and take time to get really established. But Jesus has His scripts for your life, which are entirely positive.

John
NZ

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

This can be just a mental task, or it can lead to useful insights. Abuse implants a lot of negativity which becomes like sunglasses that colour everything else. Inner scripts are adopted that dominate the way we think. We need to discover the reality of how Jesus sees us and work from that perspective.

John. Please try to understand, the reason for responding would not be to poohpooh your post or shoot you down. On the contrary, because you seem to really care and really be sincere, you deserve to know the truth, and you also might be someone able to handle it rather than getting all offended, and for that reason only will this response be made. Here goes.

For example:

I am worthless - You are a valued person
I am dirty, defiled - Jesus offers you total absolution
Nobody would want me - You were designed for loving human relationships
I am ashamed - Jesus is not ashamed of you. You are His delight
I am scared of God, people, being found out - We can reconstruct our lives around God's unconditional love for us ... (etc.)

First of all. No one feels valued, absolved, made for love, delighted in, etc. without being programmed to feel that way by years and years of REAL LIFE INPUT from other people's ACTIONS (not mere words) causing them to feel that way. You CANNOT "rescript" programming based upon years of being taught, imprinted, programmed by LIFE ITSELF and how you have been treated and dealt with IN it, by trying to replace mere "thoughts" because thoughts not attached to substantial life events reinforcing those thoughts do not have sufficient weight to overwrite those that -- rightly or wrongly -- do have such anchor and substance and weight. It would be like trying to use flat HTML to overwrite a powerful Java application, or trying to use a crayon to write over what has been carved in stone -- it simply cannot be done, period. The tool itself would be inadequate, to begin with.

Second. When people -- even well-meaning, kind, compassionate, caring people -- come along trying to undo years of real world experiential carvings and imprintings and hardwirings with glib little statements like these based entirely upon "let's take this and simply reverse it", not only does it seem trite, cliche'd, vacuous, fluffy and impotent, but it seems like a direct insult as well. It feels like the person taking this approach does not really "GET" how REAL and SOLID and 3-d a person's lifelong self-awareness -- tied into other-awareness and life-awareness and life-experience and interactive dynamics and paradigmatic axioms and everything else -- actually is and exists as, and how inseparable it is from everything else (the things i just listed being but the tip of that iceberg).

You might mean well -- or rather whatever person makes this approach might -- but it feels insulting. Moriah cannot speak for everyone of course but from its own experience and discussions with others at various times, an approach like this feels like we do not get taken seriously at all. Well, part of the abuse we've suffered all our lives has involved that dynamic, not being taken seriously. Not having our legitimate complaints register or get treated as meaningful and important, when such complaints arose not out of childish "gimme what i want" attitudes but out of very real hurt and injustice suffered that needed addressing and correcting when it still had a chance to make a difference for us. This feels like an attempt to flick a feather duster at walls encrusted with two generations of grease, grime, sticky filth, and expect that someone should honor the noble intention sufficiently to do all the hard scrubbing themselves behind the scenes in order to put on a performance of public thanks and praise for the feather duster which somehow miraculously did all the work.

Third, aside from all that, if rescripting ourselves the way you suggest above provided the answer, then first of all, those of us with the ability to do so would have already done so and secondly, and more to the point, your religion would be abrogated because no one would need a saviour at that point. We don't need a miracle, a salvation, or a rescue if the answer lies in ourselves the whole time; in fact, if the answer lies in ourselves then best we forsake these fairytales which only delay us getting to the point of unpacking it from the kit we got issued at birth, and what a tragedy and shame that many people have gone down to their graves hoping for a solution from the skies when they could have been working on reshaping and recrafting themselves the whole time.

Here, rather, is an example of the kind of rescripting available to us:

Sex is dirty, frightening - Sex is a fundamental part of our being to be enjoyed.

Sex is dirty, or frightening, or obscene, or loathesome, or filthy -- but because it comprises a fundamental part of our being, we learn the art of transmutation, that we might revel in what once made us cringe. We learn to revel in filth and terror, to find delight and ecstasy in it rather than repulsion and avoidance, until we no longer remember a time when things had been any other way, and can no longer return to any such state either.

That kind of rescripting HAS been available, all along, and continues to be available. It partakes of synthesis and transmutation rather than denial, bandaids and whitewash. It involves turning things inside out and upside down to penetrate the very core of them and enter them, to reach your own hand inside the hand reaching inside you that makes you cringe and recoil, and moving it where you want it, to where the unwanted touch becomes wanted, the unholy becomes sacred, the filth becomes beauty, the degradation becomes an art form. But this involves a depth of awareness of the operant forces inherent in the equation, not a coat of sugar on the surface, a pat on the head and a "there there".

The only way what you propose MIGHT work would be if someone actually put forth the time and effort involved in "adopting" (spiritually, emotionally) and reparenting an adult survivor properly, and that would be assuming a lot, beginning with assuming they would even know what "properly" consisted of (hint, it does not consist in issuing presumably corrective imperatives that actually deny the authentic personhood and voice of the one in question). Most do not, and even of those who might have an inkling, most would not have any desire or willingness to adopt and reparent a chronologically-aged adult, much less one that has become a predator, something of a monster or a demon already.

Again, it tells you this because it believes you may actually want to know, because you sure seem like you actually do care. Please don't read into it any other motive.

 

[BlessedMommy05]

Moriah, Your post got me crying and I applaud you for typeing that out with such care and precision.. WOW! Great job !

Another thing.. Most "Christians" think by giving pain and abuse up to God we'll be healed thats NOT entirely true.. Its a process of learning and trusting God to help us each and every day that we are dealing with a haunted past and a not so bright future.. Alot of people need to realize that healing can come..But often than not, we need to learn to walk this life the best we can and do the best we can to trust God, ourselves and perhaps others if we get there with out anxiety and stress from PTSD kicking in.. I cant state any more than what Moriah has.. That was one well written post and word for word I agree with it.. I was litterly crying reading it because its trrue.. Its true in my own life and I am sure in many other people's lives..

So dont sit there and judge and think oh just give it to God and let him re-write your life it doesnt work that way.. Best to ask God what a real person who's suffered abuse goes through the feelings, depression, condemntaion, rejection, abandonment, stress, and most of all self-hatred..

Moriah again I thank you.. God bless you..

Laura aka BlessedMommy05

 

[Moriah_Conquering_Wind]

Thank YOU Laura.

It's important to be heard, but even more important when the one hearing would be one who can relate, who can validate the statements and say, "yes, this is what i live with and it's true, every word." Maybe someone will listen because YOU have spoken up, when their judgments against Moriah personally would not have allowed them to listen before.

So thank you.