Is Every Family Dysfunctional?

[Godlovesmetwo]

I used to think my family resembled the Brady Bunch. No one stepped out of line. All came together for Christmas. No harsh word said gossip style. Little or no gossip in fact. No factional fighting. No bullying.It could've been my young idealistic mind, but we seemed to have a loving family.
But the more I age, the more I see a family divided. Factions and gossip abound. Bullying, arrogance, resentment, envy, grudges, prejudices, lack of patience, lack of tolerance. When we come together for reuniuons, there's a lot of pretence. I put on my various masks for different members.
Do I contribute to this disunity? Well, I guess I do. I have my favourite siblings. I view some members as maniacal bullies and others as uneducated oafs. But I'm sure they have better labels to describe me.
Just a shame it has to be this way.

 

[rockytopva]

My family put the funk in dysfunctional!

 

[Winken]

I used to think my family resembled the Brady Bunch. No one stepped out of line. All came together for Christmas. No harsh word said gossip style. Little or no gossip in fact. No factional fighting. No bullying.It could've been my young idealistic mind, but we seemed to have a loving family.
But the more I age, the more I see a family divided. Factions and gossip abound. Bullying, arrogance, resentment, envy, grudges, prejudices, lack of patience, lack of tolerance. When we come together for reuniuons, there's a lot of pretence. I put on my various masks for different members.
Do I contribute to this disunity? Well, I guess I do. I have my favourite siblings. I view some members as maniacal bullies and others as uneducated oafs. But I'm sure they have better labels to describe me.
Just a shame it has to be this way.

Been there, done that, top to bottom. Our Lord had the mercy and grace to nominate me for the position of "great stabilizer." I don't get bored, get angry, cuss, smoke, drink, view porn, anything X or R-rated, and listen 99% of the time to Christian music. (The 1% is Sinatra, Streisand, and similar). When the family is together, as it was over Christmas, I become the "blessed moderator," as my title in these forums indicates (Selig Vermittler).

 

[quatona]

Is Every Family Dysfunctional?

Depends on what you see as the functions of a family, and where you draw the line to dysfunctional.
Then again, I am pretty sure that - no matter how you define it - every family has a good measure of dysfunctional patterns.
Family is about passing on your treasures and your baggage through generations, after all.

I used to think my family resembled the Brady Bunch. No one stepped out of line. All came together for Christmas. No harsh word said gossip style. Little or no gossip in fact. No factional fighting. No bullying.It could've been my young idealistic mind, but we seemed to have a loving family.

Funny, but to me this description screams "dysfunctional".

But the more I age, the more I see a family divided. Factions and gossip abound. Bullying, arrogance, resentment, envy, grudges, prejudices, lack of patience, lack of tolerance. When we come together for reuniuons, there's a lot of pretence. I put on my various masks for different members.

Sounds to me like there is no culture of carrying out disagreements and conflicts in a healthy manner (which, of course, is no surprise seeing how much effort they seem to have put in playing harmony).

Do I contribute to this disunity?

The problem is: In a "dysfunctional" system you are condemned to be "dysfunctional" one way or the other. Either you conform to the "dysfunctional" patterns (which makes you "dysfunctional", too), or you do not conform (which makes you "dysfunctional" by standards of the system).
The problem: People in a living system (and particularly in a family - which you learn to be part of when you are existentially dependent on it) always pursue two goals: their own individual well-being and the well-being of the system. As soon as these pursuits are in conflict, you and the system are in trouble.

Well, I guess I do. I have my favourite siblings. I view some members as maniacal bullies and others as uneducated oafs. But I'm sure they have better labels to describe me.
Just a shame it has to be this way.

To me this sounds like a system in which being loved is seen as depending on performance or good behaviour. Which, of course, has nothing to do with love.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

Sounds to me like there is no culture of carrying out disagreements and conflicts in a healthy manner

Good point. I think you are right. But isn't this issue a problem everywhere? How many people display good communication skills in a workplace for instance?
We see politicians bag each other with no respect. Poor role-models.

 

[quatona]

Good point. I think you are right. But isn't this issue a problem everywhere? How many people display good communication skills in a workplace for instance?
We see politicians bag each other with no respect. Poor role-models.

Sorry, I didn´t mean to single out your family, or something - you had asked about it specifically. It sounded like you were concerned with your family, not with "everywhere".

Yes, this is a frequent problem (albeit not really everywhere). When trying to trace the cause, I would take a look at the way children are brought up rather than at politicians etc. (Politicians are products of this upbringing and have been raised in families just like everybody else, after all.)
On a sidenote, the idea that politicians of all could be considered potential role-models in matters of healthy human interaction strikes me as downright absurd.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

On a sidenote, the idea that politicians of all could be considered potential role-models in matters of healthy human interaction strikes me as downright absurd.

But they are in your face celebrities. We are influenced by them, whether we like it or not.

 

[quatona]

But they are in your face celebrities. We are influenced by them, whether we like it or not.

If that´s the case with you, ok, but please don´t include me in this "we".
Politicians are doing a job, and this job - by its very nature and by their job-description - requires them to use forms of communication that aren´t suitable for personal interaction. That´s a given. Just like I wouldn´t model my idea of healthy (family or personal) interaction after boxers´behaviour in the box ring, I wouldn´t model it after policiticians doing politics.

 

[TurtleAnne]

I've never known a family that was perfectly functional, or perfectly bad, either. I think it depends on whether one is looking for flaws or looking for strengths, or trying to see both at the same time. There is plenty of dysfunction in my family (including myself, of course). Some of it has been severe.. alcoholism, suicide, abuse of various types, etc. Some of it has been of the soap opera caliber. But I have also seen every single person I have known in my family, have their moments of love and courage, as well. It can be difficult to remember it when I'm hurting or angry, but it's true none the less.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

But I have also seen every single person I have known in my family, have their moments of love and courage, as well. It can be difficult to remember it when I'm hurting or angry, but it's true none the less.

You are right about this. I can find at least one good quality in every family member, if I am asked to search. One family member in particular, who can be a really intolerant bully is also hard-working, self-disciplined and community minded.

 

[bhsmte]

I used to think my family resembled the Brady Bunch. No one stepped out of line. All came together for Christmas. No harsh word said gossip style. Little or no gossip in fact. No factional fighting. No bullying.It could've been my young idealistic mind, but we seemed to have a loving family.
But the more I age, the more I see a family divided. Factions and gossip abound. Bullying, arrogance, resentment, envy, grudges, prejudices, lack of patience, lack of tolerance. When we come together for reuniuons, there's a lot of pretence. I put on my various masks for different members.
Do I contribute to this disunity? Well, I guess I do. I have my favourite siblings. I view some members as maniacal bullies and others as uneducated oafs. But I'm sure they have better labels to describe me.
Just a shame it has to be this way.

each family has unique dynamics. Whether a family is dysfunctional depends on how one determines what would dysfunction look like. At the end of the day, it is all relative.

 

[Godlovesmetwo]

At the end of the day, it is all relative.

In the end, they are all relatives?