Is being attracted to someone else adultery?

[abacabb3]

I have an opinion on this, but I pose the following for your consideration so that I may get an understanding from other Christians' perspectives, and that my wife may also.

Here is the situation very plainly:

My wife and I don 't look at pornography. There isn't any adultery. In fact, my wife and I try avoiding looking at other men/women we may find attractive because we don't want to commit adultery with our eyes.

Now, this is where my wife and I disagree: When I see a woman and I find her attractive, even if I am obviously turning away and I know in my own mind I am blocking out any thoughts, she thinks I am committing adultery. She says she has this same problem with only one man she sees at the gym, but I have this problem with practically any good looking woman. Now, it is my opinion that I shouldn't look at other women on purpose, but it is not sin to find them attractive, rather it is sin if I lust after them in my heart by fantasizing about them in any sort of way.

Are there men out there that literally find no other women attractive other than their wife?

If my wife is very insistent about this and very hurt, what should I do?

Lastly, am I wrong to feel very hurt about this whole situation? I feel like I am constantly being accused of loving other women, not loving my wife, not finding my wife attractive, but I love my wife and find her beautiful. However, I feel the longer my wife continues with this, it turns our relationship less and less enjoyable which sows the seeds for long term resentment. Am I crazy about this?


Appreciate your thoughts and I will take questions. Maybe I can get her on here too.

 

[Odetta]

How does she know you find others attractive, even in the objective sense? Are you telling her? Maybe that's more information than she can bear - she sounds very insecure.

 

[Niffer]

I think its understandable to find both members of the opposite sex and even the same gender "attractive".
I can look at a man and know he's handsome, or that a woman is beautiful.
That doesn't mean I'm going to indulge in some sexual fantasy which includes them.

We, as humans love beautiful things ~ and that's okay. God made MANY beautiful things just for our enjoyment, and the human body IS beautiful, all by itself.

There's a big difference between recognizing beauty and drooling over someone's abs, or tushie, or whathaveyou.

 

[abacabb3]

How does she know you find others attractive, even in the objective sense? Are you telling her? Maybe that's more information than she can bear - she sounds very insecure.

I have in the past, because I felt confessing sins to someone close tpo you is a good idea. I have since stopped, but my wife can notice if I clam up from being uncomfortable if a good looking woman speaks to me.

 

[abacabb3]

I think its understandable to find both members of the opposite sex and even the same gender "attractive".
I can look at a man and know he's handsome, or that a woman is beautiful.
That doesn't mean I'm going to indulge in some sexual fantasy which includes them.

We, as humans love beautiful things ~ and that's okay. God made MANY beautiful things just for our enjoyment, and the human body IS beautiful, all by itself.

There's a big difference between recognizing beauty and drooling over someone's abs, or tushie, or whathaveyou.

I agree, though I think for men it is hard to admire physical beauty without starting to lust, which is why I purposely try to avoid admiring the physical beauty of the opposite sex. It may be different for different men, but it is my sense that this is common to males.

 

[Odetta]

..

I think you kind of set things up by originally confessing to a sin that you now no longer seem to think is a sin. I'm sure you were well intentioned originally, but it looks like it has backfired on you.

As a woman, given this is what you have done with this it was a sin but now it's not thing, I understand her insecurity. How can she trust you now when you say it's no big deal, when before you did indeed say it was a big deal? You have some ground to make up.

 

[LinkH]

Romans 6 says not to yield your members as instruments of unrighteousness unto sin.

If a man does, as Jesus warned against in Matthew 5, and looks at a woman in order to lust after her, he has committed adultery with her already in his heart.

James 1 says that when lust has conceived, it brings forth sin, and sin, when it is finished, brings forth death. We must prevent lust from conceiving and bringing forth sin if we are tempted.

A word for 'lust' can also be translated 'covet.' One of the 10 commandments is not to covet. The first in the list of what we are not to covet is our neighbor's wife.

The sin is covetousness. It is wrong to look at a woman and covet her. If you see a woman who is pretty and you realize she is pretty, you could do that without coveting. Now, if you started ogling her and looking at her up and down thinking bad stuff about her, that would be wrong. If you start looking at body parts with inappropriate interest, that would be wrong. But just realizing that someone is pretty is not a sin.

But, given your wife's mindset, you might try discussing this with her and go through scriptures and word studies with her. But if you describe a woman that you both know, from church for example, don't describe her as pretty or attractive. Just don't bring up the topic of other women being attractive so she won't be jealous if she has a big problem with it.

She may have a different definition of 'attractive' than you do. She may think of it as a deeper emotional kind of pull, more than thinking someone is good-looking. You could ask her.

And you might want to make sure she doesn't spend too much time around that guy at the gym.

 

[abacabb3]

..

I think you kind of set things up by originally confessing to a sin that you now no longer seem to think is a sin. I'm sure you were well intentioned originally, but it looks like it has backfired on you.

As a woman, given this is what you have done with this it was a sin but now it's not thing, I understand her insecurity. How can she trust you now when you say it's no big deal, when before you did indeed say it was a big deal? You have some ground to make up.

I guess my thoughts have evolved on what it means to be tempted but not sin. It wouldn't be the first time I had a wrong interpretation that my wife has learned from me, but would you say my former interpretation is wrong and the present one right, or the other way around?

 

[peckaboo]

Honestly, I think this is primarily something that your wife needs to address in herself. It sounds like she's very insecure and that her behaviour here is a reflection of that. That said, there are probably things you can do to reassure her that you only have eyes for her - compliment her often and sincerely. Find out what her love language is and practice it. Be firm about the fact that you love her and that you won't tolerate unfounded accusations about your faithfulness. Don't enter into an argument about it - just present the fact that you love her and are faithful to her, and end the conversation. Walk away if necessary.

If you do manage to get her on here, there are also things that she can do to improve the situation. It sounds counterintuitive, but the more she (sincerely) compliments other women, the less threatening they will seem to her and the better she will feel about herself too. Every time she silences the doubting voice in her head and chooses to believe you, it will become easier for her to hear you, and soon the doubting voice will be nothing more than the occasional annoying buzzing of a fly. But if it doesn't come naturally to her to do that (as it doesn't for most insecure women), she has to consciously choose to do it.

My husband also confessed to me a few times that he found some women at his workplace attractive. It didn't acheive anything except to make me feel insecure and hurt my feelings, and perhaps eased his conscience a little. I explained to him that as long as he wasn't lusting after them he didn't have anything to "confess", and actually it was counter productive to do so. But it took me a little while to completely erase any nagging doubts whenever he worked late or went for after work drinks with his team.

Lastly, am I wrong to feel very hurt about this whole situation? I feel like I am constantly being accused of loving other women, not loving my wife, not finding my wife attractive, but I love my wife and find her beautiful. However, I feel the longer my wife continues with this, it turns our relationship less and less enjoyable which sows the seeds for long term resentment. Am I crazy about this?

I think it's understandable that you feel hurt. It's disrespectful to continually doubt another person and play down their reassurances - in essence it's calling them a liar. My husband also told me that when I doubt his love it turns the huge, public commitment that he made when he married me into something trivial, and that that makes him angry. Have you explained to your wife how you feel? And yes, insecurity breeds controlling behaviour and resentment on both sides. I don't think you're crazy at all.

Apologies for the long post :/

 

[abacabb3]

GOod response, hopefully I get my wife to read it tonight.

 

[abacabb3]

Thank you all for caring and putting effort in giving advice to help out your fellow Christians. This is abacabb3's wife.

I don't think I have problems with my husband finding other women attractive, I think I've learned to mature in that area the past 2 years. The problem exists only with this pretty woman at church.

The thing is with other women, when he finds them attractive, he doesn't seem to have a problem turning away and moving onto other thoughts. But with this particular woman, he seems to enjoy her beauty longer than any other women and seems harder for him to block her out of his head.

I feel like he's in a complete separate world from me whenever he sees her. For example, last time at church, we were sitting in the last pew, she walked in in the middle of the study, so my husband turned his head and saw her and then turned away but very slowly, he seemed shocked. He was silent for about 5 seconds or so and you could tell something wasn't right. That makes me feel that he was focusing all of his attention to her and not even a speck of thought about my existence.

I think she's a special case because one she's very pretty (though i think she adorns herself too much with worldly things), and 2 she expressed some interest in my husband early on when she didn't knew that my husband is married. So they both sparked interest in each other during a bible study that i missed.

To summarize, it's not the noticing of one's beauty that is a problem, it's the fact that he enjoys her beauty too long and that he ignores me completely whenever he sees her or talks to her. Whenever he speaks to her, he gets so attracted to her to the point that i'm not mentioned in the conversation even though i'm standing right next to him, he doesn't even look at me but only at her or something else. He just gets so attracted to her that he unintentionally pushed me to the corner mentally.

My husband says he doesn't think this way, so this is my understanding.

About this guy at the gym, it hurts me each time i feel attracted to him because i feel that it's so unfair to my husband, sometimes i even cry when i feel that way. Now, I purposely go the gym only when he's not there and that means only one day a week. I go out running or do any other activities so i can avoid the sinful attraction. My husband said he finds her attractive and he would sit 2 pews behind her until I brought this up to him.

Another thing is, all women whom he finds attractive have make up and worldly adornment on, but he asks me not to put eyeliner on. I think too much adornment doesn't show modesty, but a bit of eyeliner just to make myself a little more presentable and a little less insecure is modest in my opinion.

Finally, I appreciate any honest comments you might have. I'm here for advice, so don't feel bad to say truthful things about me even if it hurts.

God bless

 

[Shane R]

The amount of make-up that you wear is an issue you should negotiate with your husband. Sometimes I get frustrated with how long my wife takes to prep her face, but it is one of the few tools she has to make herself feminine in the military. We are working on a compromise because she knows how much it frustrates me that we are usually tardy but I understand how much she enjoys feeling more feminine through the application of make-up.

As far as attraction to others goes, the 'look, don't touch' rule seems to work well for us. My wife is sensitive to any interaction I have with my ex-wife, though she understands I have been scarred by that woman and am not attracted to her anymore. My ex-wife and I are still settling the last loose business ends we had. For the most part my current wife and I don't have issues and when we do, we discuss it openly and reach a mutual understanding. Very open communication is important.

 

[iambren]

It's REALLY nice to get the other side of the story.

Emotional/sexual attraction is not a sin,rather it's what we do with it. God created us with the ability to feel those feelings and can empower us to manage them responsibly. If I thought that every thought like that was sinful I would never get off my knees!

The wife here maybe insecure for some reason; it's like a vulnerability. I have an ex-wife that was very jealous. She would at times make scenes socially,I felt suffocated,and even thought of taking a woman--might as well,I was getting all the guff for it! But this doesn't sound like you.

Your husband should NOT confess his thoughts about this to you,perhaps to a spiritual elder if needed. All that does is add fuel to the fire.

FWIW, I've noticed in my Christian walk (married or unmarried) there will at times be a woman that distracts me. It may have NOTHING to do with you,but a vulnerability with him,his issues at the time, and a battleground where Satan must be defeated. We all have our weak points that the adversary shoots the dart and we are called upon to vanquish the enemy. As long as you are pleasing the Lord maritally simply pray for him as he lives out HIS spiritual walk.

 

[seeingeyes]

I think she's a special case because one she's very pretty (though i think she adorns herself too much with worldly things), and 2 she expressed some interest in my husband early on when she didn't knew that my husband is married. So they both sparked interest in each other during a bible study that i missed.


Another thing is, all women whom he finds attractive have make up and worldly adornment on, but he asks me not to put eyeliner on. I think too much adornment doesn't show modesty, but a bit of eyeliner just to make myself a little more presentable and a little less insecure is modest in my opinion.

This is interesting. Abacabb3, do you feel like you shouldn't be attracted to "worldly things" such as a little eyeliner?

You may be trying to force yourself into being attracted to what you think is the "right" thing (which doesn't work), and then you have no eyes for your wife. And if she is feeling neglected in this way, she's a lot more likely to notice the guy who winks at her in the gym.

All of these things are connected. So let your wife who loves you give you what you really want so that you can give her what she really wants.

God bless

 

[peckaboo]

The thing is with other women, when he finds them attractive, he doesn't seem to have a problem turning away and moving onto other thoughts. But with this particular woman, he seems to enjoy her beauty longer than any other women and seems harder for him to block her out of his head.
...
I think she's a special case because one she's very pretty (though i think she adorns herself too much with worldly things), and 2 she expressed some interest in my husband early on when she didn't knew that my husband is married. So they both sparked interest in each other during a bible study that i missed.

This is quite a different scenario from what was describe in the OP. It is good to get both sides of the story, so thanks for posting.

If this woman is particularly attractive (or has some other kind of appeal) then it may be that your husband genuinely struggles with his feelings for her. I'm sure you can relate, because of the way the guy at the gym makes you feel. My opinion is that you've done the right thing by avoiding the guy at the gym, and it would be appropriate -if your husband is genuinely attracted to her - for him also to try to avoid this lady at church. Not to go as far as changing churches or anything, but it's not hard to excuse yourself from a conversation.

However, you can't force him to do that. You can only control your own actions. Do you think your husband would ever act on his attraction for this woman, or do you believe he is loyal to you? That's the crux of the issue IMHO. If he's a good guy, give him the benefit of the doubt and see if he doesn't come through for you. The more you talk about this woman as if she's some kind of tantalising goddess, the more your husband will start to see her that way. She's just a woman, the same as any of us, with her own flaws and failings. Your husband made a commitment to you, and the world makes that a difficult commitment to keep. Remember the old maxim "be kind, for everyone is fighting a hard battle" - that's true of your husband too.

FWIW, re the makeup, I feel like what you put on your face should be up to you. Do you tell your husband how to dress or where to part his hair? That all seems a little controlling to me, but I realise every marriage is different.

 

[abacabb3]

TO confuse posters here even more, this is "the husband" writing here:

I found it interesting to read my wife's post, simply because I don't feel that she communicated to me as clearly as what was written here. Though it is in my discernment an issue my wife has with my attraction to any woman. I always get asked if I am out somewhere if there were any good looking women, which I tell her that such a question is not edifying to us and there is no right answer I can give. Further, my wife has used the term "women" without a definite or indefinite article, but my wife's first language is not English, so that may be the cause of miscommunication here.

To address more specifically the issue of the woman from church, it is my feeling that this is something blown totally out of proportion. For example, take where I sit in church. For the longest time we sat together in the last middle pew. My wife began working on SUndays and at the same time, I became a fill-in for the guy who records the sermons in the last right side pew area. "Big Mike" who usually does the recordings and I would speak in between Sunday School and the Service, so if I was not recording and sitting in the back, I would sit in the pew right in front of where the recording is done. It never even occurred to me that the location of this pew would be such a sensitive issue, due to an attractive woman sitting a few pews in front. However, the thought of sitting there so that I may theoretically gaze at the back of her head never even occurred to me.

So, I am more than willing to make whatever tiny sacrifices to help my wife feel more secure, but I believe ultimately there is not much more I can do. I already try not looking, and it is my belief I am successful. It is my wife's opinion that I am not. For example, the other Sunday this woman walked into SUnday School in the middle. Usually, I turn my head in curiosity whenever anyone walks in. This time, it happened to be her. I don't remember taking any prolonged period of time to turn away. My wife tells me I was looking for "three seconds," which I honestly don't see as possible, that would be an awfully long stare that even as a non-Christian I would be embarassed to do.

I don't doubt my wife's sincerity in how she feels, but I think it is pretty clear that she doubts mine. I honestly don't think about this woman or purposely look at her. This weekend my wife told me that "we both committed adultery with our eyes," so if I would be "happier" divorcing her and marrying this other woman, she would be fine with that. She told me to think seriously about it. I told her absolutely not, I have eyes for no other woman. I almost feel as if my wife is blowing this whole situation out of proportion because she does not like me or wants to find some reason to leave me.

I hope this additional insight helps.

_____

As for makeup, as it was brought up in two different posts, I will have to agree to disagree. Not every thing that I find attractive is good, so just because I may be attracted to something out of sinfulness it does not mean that my wife should partake in it. To be perfectly honest, I believe my wife is very beautiful as is and see no need for it.

Hopefully, my wife will be back to respond.

 

[seeingeyes]

TO confuse posters here even more, this is "the husband" writing here:

I found it interesting to read my wife's post, simply because I don't feel that she communicated to me as clearly as what was written here. Though it is in my discernment an issue my wife has with my attraction to any woman. I always get asked if I am out somewhere if there were any good looking women, which I tell her that such a question is not edifying to us and there is no right answer I can give. Further, my wife has used the term "women" without a definite or indefinite article, but my wife's first language is not English, so that may be the cause of miscommunication here.

I think it's good that you guys have done this then. It may be that she assumes that you know certain things that random internet strangers do not, so she had to spell it out more clearly here than just for you. (But she should perhaps spell out her feelings/observations more clearly to you in the future.)

To address more specifically the issue of the woman from church, it is my feeling that this is something blown totally out of proportion. For example, take where I sit in church. For the longest time we sat together in the last middle pew. My wife began working on SUndays and at the same time, I became a fill-in for the guy who records the sermons in the last right side pew area. "Big Mike" who usually does the recordings and I would speak in between Sunday School and the Service, so if I was not recording and sitting in the back, I would sit in the pew right in front of where the recording is done. It never even occurred to me that the location of this pew would be such a sensitive issue, due to an attractive woman sitting a few pews in front. However, the thought of sitting there so that I may theoretically gaze at the back of her head never even occurred to me.

So, I am more than willing to make whatever tiny sacrifices to help my wife feel more secure, but I believe ultimately there is not much more I can do. I already try not looking, and it is my belief I am successful. It is my wife's opinion that I am not. For example, the other Sunday this woman walked into SUnday School in the middle. Usually, I turn my head in curiosity whenever anyone walks in. This time, it happened to be her. I don't remember taking any prolonged period of time to turn away. My wife tells me I was looking for "three seconds," which I honestly don't see as possible, that would be an awfully long stare that even as a non-Christian I would be embarassed to do.

Well, there is a limit to what you can do, of course, but I don't know that the answer is "look in the direction of other women less". Maybe you need to (that's for you to examine), but even if you went blind today, that wouldn't solve the problem.

What your wife is asking is for you to look at her in the way she perceives you looked at that other woman.

I don't doubt my wife's sincerity in how she feels, but I think it is pretty clear that she doubts mine. I honestly don't think about this woman or purposely look at her. This weekend my wife told me that "we both committed adultery with our eyes," so if I would be "happier" divorcing her and marrying this other woman, she would be fine with that. She told me to think seriously about it. I told her absolutely not, I have eyes for no other woman. I almost feel as if my wife is blowing this whole situation out of proportion because she does not like me or wants to find some reason to leave me.

To OP's wife: Don't talk about divorce unless your bags are already packed and the lawyer is on speed dial. Way more damage has been done to your marriage by claiming that you're "fine" with divorce than could ever be done by looking at a nicely-filled pair of shorts at the gym. No one here has committed adultery, but you seem to be doing your level best to blow up your own marriage.

Your husband is right to be suspicious. I have heard many Christian woman tell me that are just waiting around for that loophole in the law. That way they get their freedom from the jerk they married and they get to play the victim to boot. All hunky dory "in God's eyes", but in truth it's wretched treachery with a holy face pasted on. Don't be that girl.

If you want to leave, then leave. But if you want to stay, then you need to more then "fine with it". Marriage is a lot of work, and you both need to be all in if you want to have a prayer of lasting till death do us part.

I hope this additional insight helps.

_____

As for makeup, as it was brought up in two different posts, I will have to agree to disagree. Not every thing that I find attractive is good, so just because I may be attracted to something out of sinfulness it does not mean that my wife should partake in it. To be perfectly honest, I believe my wife is very beautiful as is and see no need for it.

Hopefully, my wife will be back to respond.

Why is eyeliner sinful?

 

[peckaboo]

Great response, seeingeyes!

 

[abacabb3]

Question, how can I "look" at my wife different? If the way I look during a passing glance is desirable to my wife in any way, I'd imagine it would be the look of guilt or something. How can I look at my wife like that?

 

[seeingeyes]

Question, how can I "look" at my wife different? If the way I look during a passing glance is desirable to my wife in any way, I'd imagine it would be the look of guilt or something. How can I look at my wife like that?

Hmm, well, there seems to be a discrepancy between what you think you're doing and what she thinks you're doing. Try to look at her the way she thinks you're looking at that other woman. (Regardless of whether or not she's right.) But, of course, just pointing your eyeballs in her direction for a proscribed length of time with the proper expression on your face is not quite the extent, here.

I feel a bit unworthy to teach a man how to look with desire at a woman though... Is this one of those "if you have to ask, you'll never know" scenarios? (I kid, I kid...)

How long have you been married? What does your sex life look like? Do you still flirt with each other? Please don't feel like you have to answer these questions here, but certainly talk about these things to your wife.