My wife and I chose to work and live a middle-class life. My adult daughter blames her mother and me for her psychological problems because we raised her in a integrated but racist society in the 90s in which white children taunted her as a child. She says we had it easier because when we were children we were in a Jim Crow society that surrounded us with black people.
Was that our fault? Was that our error? Was that our wrong action? We can certainly regret the turmoil that she suffered because of the way America was set up, but do we have anything to apologize for in our own actions?
Okay, that is very informative.
I want to go back to my claim, "More than that would require an argument about what in fact you should have done that you did not do, and that argument could be very productive."
Your daughter seems to be claiming that you are at fault because you should have done something that you did not do, namely remain in a segregated neighborhood where she would not have been taunted by white children. She is basically blaming you for not maintaining a "safe space," so to speak.
One of the most basic criteria for apology is the counterfactual question, "Would you have done things differently, knowing what you now know?" If your answer is 'yes' then you and your daughter are not disagreeing very much. If your answer is 'no' then you are disagreeing substantially. My hunch is that your answer would be 'no', as that strikes me as the correct answer.
The younger generations have been brought up in a culture where you blame other people for your problems, and parents will be the foremost of those who receive blame. On the one hand there is Original Sin, and we do in fact inherit problems from our parents and our ancestors. That's how it works given our Fallen state. On the other hand is this question about whether and when a "safe space" ought to be provided. Sociologists like Jonathan Haidt have marshalled compelling evidence that overprotective parents and safe spaces are harming and not helping our children. The desire for safe spaces is a desire for something that will ultimately harm and not help. This obviously does not mean that creating safety is never appropriate, but it must be discerned well and realistically.
On a more personal level mutual understanding is usually the way to resolve or attenuate these sorts of conflicts. The more you understand and recognize your daughter's suffering, and the more your daughter understands and recognizes the intelligibility of your decision to live in an integrated community, the more the conflict will resolve. So communication is key. In fact these sorts of resentments usually subside once your daughter has children of her own and begins to better understand the complexities of being a parent. There are only about a million other factors to take into account when deciding whether to live in an integrated or segregated community, and she is likely downplaying those other factors. I don't know whether she has children?
