Intrusive thoughts torture

[Kevin76]

Hello I am new here and hope I can find some support or reassurance. I have OCD/anxiety disorder with intrusive thoughts. It’s why I don’t pray often, afraid of the intrusive thoughts. Many years ago while driving at night a dog ran out and my bumper clipped him. He ran off onto a porch, panting frantically probably from the shock of it but otherwise seemed to be alright. I was young and stupid and just went home thinking he was fine. I love dogs. Spent years doing volunteer work and it still bothered me decades later that I didn’t stop and get out to check on that dog and confirm he was alright.
Fast forward many years later I suddenly start feeling more guilt over this and thought, let me pray for forgiveness. I haven’t prayed in forever but I did. In came the intrusive thoughts. Then suddenly I feared I had somehow used my dog as a bargaining chip for forgiveness for sins, that God would take away my dog or severe our connection somehow. In the days that follow I feared I had somehow bartered my dog for forgiveness. I regret ever praying now. That’s not what I want. I’m not consumed by guilt and obsessive thoughts and repeating prayers in my head that i want my dog to be safe as it was with me, but the thoughts come in during prayer and I get in a obsessive repeat pattern. I know this sounds crazy….I guess it is. I feel like I betrayed my best friend and I never wanted to with these thoughts. Just looking for assurance that God knows I don’t want to loose the connection I have to my dog now of many years. My relationship with my dog is one of the things a value on their Earth more then anything and to think I betrayed him by intrusive thoughts makes me sick. I just want things to return to how they were before I even tried praying because I fee I messed up my life now. Please someone. God bless.

 

[SarahsKnight]

Hello I am new here and hope I can find some support or reassurance.

Then if my reassurance can be of any help at all, you have it, Kevin. Of course, please remember, I am not God. Nor is anyone else here. .... For one thing, God is more merciful and understanding than any of us.

I must admit, this is definitely a new example of intrusive thoughts that I have never heard of before or had experienced myself, this concept of "bartering" your dog's life (or perhaps you meant bond that you have with him?) or well-being in return fro forgiveness. But here's the thing; you recognize them for what they are: intrusive thoughts. They are just that; you obviously had no desire or intent with them. It seems that the guilt you had been feeling over not checking on that dog you ran into (was it yours? I am a bit confused on that part; is it the same as the one you were speaking of as your dog all these years after the incident, the one you feared bartering in return for forgiveness during prayer?) has manifested itself in such a way as to make you unsure of your sincerity when finally asking forgiveness in prayer years later. I might have this wrong, but that's what it sounds like from what I can ascertain from your description in the OP. You felt guilty about it, especially after having waited for years it seems to finally ask for forgiveness, thus, when finally praying for forgiveness, perhaps it was your fear of not being sincere in asking for forgiveness (because it took so long for you to do so in the first place, I would venture to guess) is what caused the intrusive thought about bartering your dog in some way for God's forgiveness. Well, again, you recognize it as intrusive, thus that's a very good sing you obviously didn't truly want or desire it to be true. And if you know that, then God definitely knows that. Please don't ever give in to thinking that it could ever be true that you can barter in any way for forgiveness from the Lord. He is much more merciful than that; like I said before, He is fortunately way more forgiving than any of us humans. His forgiveness is free. Just ask for it, and try to move on with life.

 

[Kevin76]

Then if my reassurance can be of any help at all, you have it, Kevin. Of course, please remember, I am not God. Nor is anyone else here. .... For one thing, God is more merciful and understanding than any of us.

I must admit, this is definitely a new example of intrusive thoughts that I have never heard of before or had experienced myself, this concept of "bartering" your dog's life (or perhaps you meant bond that you have with him?) or well-being in return fro forgiveness. But here's the thing; you recognize them for what they are: intrusive thoughts. They are just that; you obviously had no desire or intent with them. It seems that the guilt you had been feeling over not checking on that dog you ran into (was it yours? I am a bit confused on that part; is it the same as the one you were speaking of as your dog all these years after the incident, the one you feared bartering in return for forgiveness during prayer?) has manifested itself in such a way as to make you unsure of your sincerity when finally asking forgiveness in prayer years later. I might have this wrong, but that's what it sounds like from what I can ascertain from your description in the OP. You felt guilty about it, especially after having waited for years it seems to finally ask for forgiveness, thus, when finally praying for forgiveness, perhaps it was your fear of not being sincere in asking for forgiveness (because it took so long for you to do so in the first place, I would venture to guess) is what caused the intrusive thought about bartering your dog in some way for God's forgiveness. Well, again, you recognize it as intrusive, thus that's a very good sing you obviously didn't truly want or desire it to be true. And if you know that, then God definitely knows that. Please don't ever give in to thinking that it could ever be true that you can barter in any way for forgiveness from the Lord. He is much more merciful than that; like I said before, He is fortunately way more forgiving than any of us humans. His forgiveness is free. Just ask for it, and try to move on with life.

thank you, just to clarify, the dog that I hit years ago was not mine. It was a dog on the loose late at night. For some reason it was weighing heavily on me years later. Why I did not stop and take it to a vet or something. It was alive still but panting frantically and I fear maybe I hurt it. The dog I have now is not that dog, I’ve had him for many years too. I just feared I was subconsciously agreeing to somehow give up my dog as a “payment” for that guilt which I do not want to do and now stuck feeling like I betrayed my best friend and things will never be the same. All because of the Intrusive thoughts like this is why I stopped praying. I try to recognize it’s not real and then in a attempt to “reword” prayers I end up repeating them and sometimes making it even worse. Thank you for your kind words. The next few days or weeks will be a struggle to understand God will sort out the negative thoughts and know my intent was only forgiveness without any “payment” and I hope God keeps my relationship with my dog intact as is was before my intrusive thought filled prayer. This all sounds crazy to even write it out, and a bit ridiculous, I know. Thank you

 

[Maria Billingsley]

Hello I am new here and hope I can find some support or reassurance. I have OCD/anxiety disorder with intrusive thoughts. It’s why I don’t pray often, afraid of the intrusive thoughts. Many years ago while driving at night a dog ran out and my bumper clipped him. He ran off onto a porch, panting frantically probably from the shock of it but otherwise seemed to be alright. I was young and stupid and just went home thinking he was fine. I love dogs. Spent years doing volunteer work and it still bothered me decades later that I didn’t stop and get out to check on that dog and confirm he was alright.
Fast forward many years later I suddenly start feeling more guilt over this and thought, let me pray for forgiveness. I haven’t prayed in forever but I did. In came the intrusive thoughts. Then suddenly I feared I had somehow used my dog as a bargaining chip for forgiveness for sins, that God would take away my dog or severe our connection somehow. In the days that follow I feared I had somehow bartered my dog for forgiveness. I regret ever praying now. That’s not what I want. I’m not consumed by guilt and obsessive thoughts and repeating prayers in my head that i want my dog to be safe as it was with me, but the thoughts come in during prayer and I get in a obsessive repeat pattern. I know this sounds crazy….I guess it is. I feel like I betrayed my best friend and I never wanted to with these thoughts. Just looking for assurance that God knows I don’t want to loose the connection I have to my dog now of many years. My relationship with my dog is one of the things a value on their Earth more then anything and to think I betrayed him by intrusive thoughts makes me sick. I just want things to return to how they were before I even tried praying because I fee I messed up my life now. Please someone. God bless.

Welcome to CF. I hope you find some relief here on this forum. We have many who can offer you wise counsel. Be blessed and be in peace with Him.

 

[angelsaroundme]

We can't go back and change the past. All we can do is move forward and be better Christians today.

"Because of the loving devotion of the LORD we are not consumed, for His mercies never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness!" - Lamentations 3:22-23

 

[Tolworth John]

have OCD/anxiety disorder with intrusive thoughts. It’s why I don’t pray often, afraid of the intrusive thoughts. Many years ago while driving at night a dog ran out and my bumper clipped him. He ran off onto a porch, panting frantically probably from the shock of it but otherwise seemed to be alright. I was young and stupid and just went home thinking he was fine. I love dogs. Spent years doing volunteer work and it still bothered me decades later that I didn’t stop and get out to check on that dog and confirm he was alright.

Welcome to the forum.

Do you have a therapist or take medication for your ocd and intrusive thoughts?
Have you been instructed in how to deal with intrusive thoughts, do your parents know how to advise you?

There is a free web site called 25 tips for successfully treating your OCD.
Point 4 talks about intrusive thoughts.
In a nutshell, all you do is say " yes that is right " to intrusive thoughts, no matter what they say or accuse you of and having said that you move on paying no more attention to that thought.
example. You suddenly think, " I crippled that dog all those years age!" you think or say, 'Yes that is right.' and pay it no more attention.
Dogs live on average 7 to 10 years so that dogs has probably died of old age.
Tell Jesus you are sorry for your actions all those years ago and acept that Jesus has forgiven you. Stop obcessing about what you could have done, praise God for what he has done for you.

Read that web site, share it with your parent, youth leader or minister and your doctor/therapist and apply it to your life.
Listen to those around you who tell you to acknowledge that distressing thought, to move on and pay it no attention.

 

[smittymatt]

Hello I am new here and hope I can find some support or reassurance. I have OCD/anxiety disorder with intrusive thoughts. It’s why I don’t pray often, afraid of the intrusive thoughts. Many years ago while driving at night a dog ran out and my bumper clipped him. He ran off onto a porch, panting frantically probably from the shock of it but otherwise seemed to be alright. I was young and stupid and just went home thinking he was fine. I love dogs. Spent years doing volunteer work and it still bothered me decades later that I didn’t stop and get out to check on that dog and confirm he was alright.
Fast forward many years later I suddenly start feeling more guilt over this and thought, let me pray for forgiveness. I haven’t prayed in forever but I did. In came the intrusive thoughts. Then suddenly I feared I had somehow used my dog as a bargaining chip for forgiveness for sins, that God would take away my dog or severe our connection somehow. In the days that follow I feared I had somehow bartered my dog for forgiveness. I regret ever praying now. That’s not what I want. I’m not consumed by guilt and obsessive thoughts and repeating prayers in my head that i want my dog to be safe as it was with me, but the thoughts come in during prayer and I get in a obsessive repeat pattern. I know this sounds crazy….I guess it is. I feel like I betrayed my best friend and I never wanted to with these thoughts. Just looking for assurance that God knows I don’t want to loose the connection I have to my dog now of many years. My relationship with my dog is one of the things a value on their Earth more then anything and to think I betrayed him by intrusive thoughts makes me sick. I just want things to return to how they were before I even tried praying because I fee I messed up my life now. Please someone. God bless.

Read what this post!

How I Battle My OCD

 

[Mari17]

Hello I am new here and hope I can find some support or reassurance. I have OCD/anxiety disorder with intrusive thoughts. It’s why I don’t pray often, afraid of the intrusive thoughts. Many years ago while driving at night a dog ran out and my bumper clipped him. He ran off onto a porch, panting frantically probably from the shock of it but otherwise seemed to be alright. I was young and stupid and just went home thinking he was fine. I love dogs. Spent years doing volunteer work and it still bothered me decades later that I didn’t stop and get out to check on that dog and confirm he was alright.
Fast forward many years later I suddenly start feeling more guilt over this and thought, let me pray for forgiveness. I haven’t prayed in forever but I did. In came the intrusive thoughts. Then suddenly I feared I had somehow used my dog as a bargaining chip for forgiveness for sins, that God would take away my dog or severe our connection somehow. In the days that follow I feared I had somehow bartered my dog for forgiveness. I regret ever praying now. That’s not what I want. I’m not consumed by guilt and obsessive thoughts and repeating prayers in my head that i want my dog to be safe as it was with me, but the thoughts come in during prayer and I get in a obsessive repeat pattern. I know this sounds crazy….I guess it is. I feel like I betrayed my best friend and I never wanted to with these thoughts. Just looking for assurance that God knows I don’t want to loose the connection I have to my dog now of many years. My relationship with my dog is one of the things a value on their Earth more then anything and to think I betrayed him by intrusive thoughts makes me sick. I just want things to return to how they were before I even tried praying because I fee I messed up my life now. Please someone. God bless.

It's not crazy! It sounds very typical of OCD, which many of us on here have!

It sounds like you've been struggling with intrusive thoughts for quite a while. Have you been able to get any help for your OCD? What have some of your obsessive themes (topics) been?