Intro to my doubts

[Searching_for_Christ]

This is a post I made in a different web forum about struggling with Faith..I decided to put it in here..I have always been desperate to see thoughts and such about my problems in general....well here it is.

Lets see if I can make this post not jump around as it usually does

Do I struggle with faith? OF COURSE I do! Do I struggle in the belief of God? this answer, both...yes I doubt that "I" believe in God..but I believe that one exists (does this make any sense?) I'm not going to go into detail about my 5-6 years of just spiritual "wandering" which took me to places like Islam, Buddhism, Roman Polytheism, Satanism (this was scary and pursued as much as I could bare reading about it.. which wasn't long at all) Taoism, Psychic stuff (cultic pretty much) Mormonism, however during this whole ordeal (much more religions where sought and "practiced" I practiced Roman Polytheism the most) I found myself pursuing it..yet right outside the gates of the kingdom of heaven..or rather Gods Flock..it was always on my mind, kinda like wanting to enter it, but a good deal of things right outside this gate where distractions that diverted my eye. Now as anyone can probably guess, I kept a belief in the Christian God through all this! I suffered my scruples from my ordeal trying to ignore him, and ignore him I DID. For a person who even as a CHILD questioned "what is faith" and feared with great distress my entrance into hell, and the overtaking of my body by demons and spirits that are against God, I remember that playing the game Diablo II I ended up spending a year in fear of being possessed..as a child the only comfort I could possibly find was constantly (and I mean constantly..I nearly spent a whole year just saying this to myself over, and over again) it was something to the affect of "I believe in the bible, not satan" so taking into account my struggles I already had as a young lad, you can guess what exploring all these evil religions has possibly done to my faith. It hardened me to certain extents, it filled me with knowledge I wish I never knew, I placed a million stumbling blocks within my mind that still to this day block me! even more so when I try to follow Christ the reserfice so quickly! and new ones that I forgot about show their evil face! I spent a while reading Jewish texts on why Christ was not the messiah apparent "contradictions" in the bible, and such...guess what? I need to deal with that unwanted knowledge and seed of doubt for the rest of my life! my exploring and searching has crippled my faith, I have made myself into a square trying desperatly fill a circular place!! I can fit initially but their is a CONSTANT grinding, and strain to be with me. on top of these doubts that I have placed into myself I still doubt faith!!! nothing seems to comfort me in this area! I feel I need to rely on myself and my knowledge that I have faith, yet I don't trust myself in the first place! I struggle and strain myself over the thoughts "Do I believe that I really believe?" HOW do I know I actually believe? how do I know that I am not just forcing myself into believing? or using some form of wishful trickery!! My mind is my battle ground, my enemy...my flesh an enemy as well, my suroundings are a temptation at all times..I feel as if I have not solid ground to ever put my feet on, I have no refuge in the bible when I don't know if I even believe it (despite my strong convictions that it is truth) This has been my problem nearly my whole life...it sucks.

End rant..have a good day yall (I applaud those who decided to read it)

 

[ephraimanesti]

This is a post I made in a different web forum about struggling with Faith..I decided to put it in here..I have always been desperate to see thoughts and such about my problems in general....well here it is.

Lets see if I can make this post not jump around as it usually does

Do I struggle with faith? OF COURSE I do! Do I struggle in the belief of God? this answer, both...yes I doubt that "I" believe in God..but I believe that one exists (does this make any sense?) I'm not going to go into detail about my 5-6 years of just spiritual "wandering" which took me to places like Islam, Buddhism, Roman Polytheism, Satanism (this was scary and pursued as much as I could bare reading about it.. which wasn't long at all) Taoism, Psychic stuff (cultic pretty much) Mormonism, however during this whole ordeal (much more religions where sought and "practiced" I practiced Roman Polytheism the most) I found myself pursuing it..yet right outside the gates of the kingdom of heaven..or rather Gods Flock..it was always on my mind, kinda like wanting to enter it, but a good deal of things right outside this gate where distractions that diverted my eye. Now as anyone can probably guess, I kept a belief in the Christian God through all this! I suffered my scruples from my ordeal trying to ignore him, and ignore him I DID. For a person who even as a CHILD questioned "what is faith" and feared with great distress my entrance into hell, and the overtaking of my body by demons and spirits that are against God, I remember that playing the game Diablo II I ended up spending a year in fear of being possessed..as a child the only comfort I could possibly find was constantly (and I mean constantly..I nearly spent a whole year just saying this to myself over, and over again) it was something to the affect of "I believe in the bible, not satan" so taking into account my struggles I already had as a young lad, you can guess what exploring all these evil religions has possibly done to my faith. It hardened me to certain extents, it filled me with knowledge I wish I never knew, I placed a million stumbling blocks within my mind that still to this day block me! even more so when I try to follow Christ the reserfice so quickly! and new ones that I forgot about show their evil face! I spent a while reading Jewish texts on why Christ was not the messiah apparent "contradictions" in the bible, and such...guess what? I need to deal with that unwanted knowledge and seed of doubt for the rest of my life! my exploring and searching has crippled my faith, I have made myself into a square trying desperatly fill a circular place!! I can fit initially but their is a CONSTANT grinding, and strain to be with me. on top of these doubts that I have placed into myself I still doubt faith!!! nothing seems to comfort me in this area! I feel I need to rely on myself and my knowledge that I have faith, yet I don't trust myself in the first place! I struggle and strain myself over the thoughts "Do I believe that I really believe?" HOW do I know I actually believe? how do I know that I am not just forcing myself into believing? or using some form of wishful trickery!! My mind is my battle ground, my enemy...my flesh an enemy as well, my suroundings are a temptation at all times..I feel as if I have not solid ground to ever put my feet on, I have no refuge in the bible when I don't know if I even believe it (despite my strong convictions that it is truth) This has been my problem nearly my whole life...it sucks.

End rant..have a good day yall (I applaud those who decided to read it)

DANG, BRO,

The mind games you have been playing with yourself make me dizzy just reading about them. Whew!

So what can we do about all of this? Your enemy is a very tenacious being who delights in scrambling your RAM and putting scratches in your Hard Drive.

What is your plan? how badly do you want the prize? how far are you willing to go to obtain it?

i've been there and done that and there is indeed a price to pay. Worth every penny of it, but still . . . .?

ABBA'S FOOL,
ephraim

 

[Searching_for_Christ]

What is your plan? how badly do you want the prize? how far are you willing to go to obtain it?

ABBA'S FOOL,
ephraim

My plan? not sure..I wish my plan was to be able to seek Christ with ferocity. How badly do I want the prize? with my life!! How far? I would love to say the ends of the earth to possibly even my last breath.

 

[ephraimanesti]

My plan? not sure..I wish my plan was to be able to seek Christ with ferocity. How badly do I want the prize? with my life!! How far? I would love to say the ends of the earth to possibly even my last breath.

"Not sure?" "I wish?" "I would love to say?" "Possibly."

Reminds me of Saint Augustine's CONFESSION where he prays, "Give me chastity and continence, BUT NOT YET.."

What is staring you in the face, my brother, is your need for crucifixion. Are you REALLY down for that?

ABBA'S FOOL,
ephraim

 

[Searching_for_Christ]

REALLY.....is this leading up to something? but yes...I would REALLY love to just have a devotion to God like no other. And yes...I have a need for crucifixion!

 

[ephraimanesti]

REALLY.....is this leading up to something?

In all honesty, i have no idea. My suggestion would be that we pray about it--REALLY HARD--between now and tomorrow evening. Perhaps our Lord will tell us what He has in mind.

Was i you, and was i really serious, in the next 24 hours or so i would fast and i would also focus my mind on The Prayer of the Heart (aka The Jesus Prayer) repeating it slowly and thoughtfully to keep your mind focused on God and to avoid distraction and confusion complements of the adversary. The Prayer of the Heart consists of, "Lord Jesus Christ, Son of the living God, have mercy on me a sinner." It is not a mantra, so don't use it like one. It is a prayer--do that!

i--and anyone else who would like to sing along--will do the same except substituting your name for the "me" in the prayer.

So i need your Christian name (no pun intendedl)

See you tomorrow night--or not.

ABBA'S FOOL,
ephraim

 

[Searching_for_Christ]

My Christian name? umm do you mean my REAL name? my real name is Joshua (people just call me Josh tho) I will do this that you have suggested.

 

[Searching_for_Christ]

Should I read Scriptures as well? (sorry for double post)

 

[ephraimanesti]

My Christian name? umm do you mean my REAL name? my real name is Joshua (people just call me Josh tho) I will do this that you have suggested.

What an auspicious beginning! i assume you know that Jesus is the Greek form of Joshua. Translates: "God saves." Good choice, mom/dad!

ephraim

 

[ephraimanesti]

Should I read Scriptures as well? (sorry for double post)

MY BROTHER,

Scriptures are indeed super important, but you have a lifetime to read them as God directs. Right now job #1 is to make contact with their ultimate Author. Pray as per previous, and fast if you can. Stay away from T.V. and such if possible so you don't drown out that still small voice which will be whispering good stuff in your ears.(I Kings 19:12)

BE BLESSED!
ephraim

 

[Searching_for_Christ]

OH!! can you remind me what a "Mantra" is so I don't accidentally do fall into doing it while I do this?

 

[ephraimanesti]

OH!! can you remind me what a "Mantra" is so I don't accidentally do fall into doing it while I do this?

Not to worry. A mantra is a word or sound such as Om used in Hindu and some other religions as a way to put the mind to sleep by chanting it over and over hypnotically. (Some folks use it as a legal drug.)

A prayer, on the other hand, such as The Prayer of the Heart, is repeated as often as possible throughout the day in order to keep the mind focused on God and keep distractions from the outside world to a minimum. It also sensitizes the heart to enable it to hear God when He chooses to speak.

Don't worry about the mechanics of the process--the only "right" and "wrong" have to do with your honesty with God and yourself and the intent of your heart. Keep those straight and everything else will work itself out. God ain't grading you, dude!

Have a good night!

PEACE, LOVE, AND JOY TO YA,
ephraim

 

[ephraimanesti]

MY BROTHER,

You very much need to change your mood from "PENSIVE" to "EXPECTANT."

"Pensive" has the connotation that "Well, it probably won't do any good but I'll give it a try anyway."

"Expectant", on the other hand, implies a firm belief that all is well and the outcome is assured according to God's promises.

"If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, Who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does."(James 1:5-8)

BE OPEN/BE BLESSED!
ephraim

 

[Searching_for_Christ]

Hey sorry about that..but as you probably can surmize my doubts came fast..however I need to inform you (and I'm sorry for not doing this earlier) I couldn't do the prayer and fasting..I go to school during the day then work after..its near impossible to perform this constant praying and fasting and focusing on the Lord with all that around me...I need to push it back to the weekend where I have this free time. Sorry in advance.

 

[ephraimanesti]

I couldn't do the prayer and fasting..I go to school during the day then work after..its near impossible to perform this constant praying and fasting and focusing on the Lord with all that around me...I need to push it back to the weekend where I have this free time. Sorry in advance.

MY DEAR FRIEND,

Wow! It saddens me that God is a ways down the priority list for you. That means you will indeed "always be looking," and therefore your new stressed "mood" is woefully appropriate.

"The seed cast in the weeds represents the ones who hear the kingdom news but are overwhelmed with worries about all the things they have to do and all the things they want to get. The stress strangles what they heard, and nothing comes of it." (Mark 4:18-19 MSG)

You had me going for a minute.
GOD'S PEACE TO YA!
ephraim

 

[Searching_for_Christ]

It saddens me that you are so quick to look down on me for this, I have a job and school to do..do you know how much free time I have had to myself today? about an hour..maybe 2...I can't keep myself from distractions and spend my every waking hour thinking of nothing but God in the manner you requested of me if I have so many other responsibility to take care of first. I'm sure this excuse sounds trivial to you, and perhaps it is, who am I to say that you have never stopped all you where responsable for in order to pray and fast! for all I Know you might have! but this world is filled with "PRESENT" responsibilities and duties to perform! I am glad however that I have been so easily marked by scriptures, perhaps my assurance that I am never to be saved is officially grounded in scripture? I suppose I can live out my days chasing trivial beliefs, and hopes. Good day.

 

[seashale76]

Ah, when one speaks of the Prayer of the Heart, they mean the Jesus Prayer. 'Lord Jesus Christ, son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner!' One can say this prayer at any time. Personally, when speaking of fasting, I wouldn't recommend trying to do such a thing without the direction of a spiritual father. Most of us live busy lives too and can't adhere to anything approaching a monastic rule. I think perhaps the other poster wasn't too clear for you. We Orthodox often forget that other Christian groups don't view things the way we do and that sometimes causes miscommunication.

The thing to remember is that faith isn't simply a mental assent to something. Faith is very much an action word. It must be lived. I can't conceive of a faith without communion. When one believes and confesses Christ, they must be baptized into Christ, and then can live a life in Christ within the Church, participating in the Kingdom of Heaven in Divine Liturgy and partaking of the medicine of immortality (the Eucharist). A person can't maintain a faith without this communion. It is so much more than mental assent.

Speaking of doubts, I know exactly where you're coming from. I could have written your OP a few years ago. I wish to encourage you in your struggle and highly recommend that you find an Orthodox Church to visit- at the very least you'll have an interesting experience.

 

[Van]

Not to dwell on the obvious, but not seeing Jesus as your only priority demonstrates a lack of faith that Jesus is the only thing of importance. In Matthew 13 Jesus tells us of folks who invited Jesus into their hearts, but they just fit Jesus in among their other worldly treasures. And over time those other priorities choked Jesus out of the person's heart.

So the issue is not that you are seeking Christ, but rather you are paying lip service to Christ while you seek a better life for yourself. And all these problems and issues are just rationalizations to justify what is right in your own eyes. Does scripture say whoever believes in Him shall not perish, except for that Josh fellow. Or does it say Josh must love God (Jesus) with all his heart...

 

[ephraimanesti]

It saddens me that you are so quick to look down on me for this, I have a job and school to do..do you know how much free time I have had to myself today? about an hour..maybe 2...I can't keep myself from distractions and spend my every waking hour thinking of nothing but God in the manner you requested of me if I have so many other responsibility to take care of first.

As your Lord has promised, "If God gives such attention to the appearance of wildflowers—most of which are never even seen—don't you think he'll attend to you, take pride in you, do his best for you? What I'm trying to do here is to get you to relax, to not be so preoccupied with getting, so you can respond to God's giving. People who don't know God and the way he works fuss over these things, but you know both God and how he works. Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry about missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met."(Matthew 6:30-33 MSG)

I'm sure this excuse sounds trivial to you, and perhaps it is, who am I to say that you have never stopped all you where responsable for in order to pray and fast! for all I Know you might have! but this world is filled with "PRESENT" responsibilities and duties to perform! I am glad however that I have been so easily marked by scriptures, perhaps my assurance that I am never to be saved is officially grounded in scripture? I suppose I can live out my days chasing trivial beliefs, and hopes. Good day.

Easy on the drama, big fella--it is not becoming and bears no fruit.

F O C U S!

ABBA'S FOOL,
ephraim

 

[ephraimanesti]

It saddens me that you are so quick to look down on me for this,

MY DEAR BROTHER,

No one is "looking down on you," least of all me. i speak because i care about you and i have been there and done that and have personally experienced the darkness at the end of the tunnel which results from attempting to seek God in a half-hearted/weekend warrior way and friends don't let friends do dat.

You say that you are ready for total surrender--i.e., crucifixion--and yet you turn tail at the first sight of the first nail. This inconsistency needs to be pointed out to you. This action is the work of a friend, not of an enemy.

ABBA'S FOOL,
ephraim