intimacy before marriage

[Anles]

Help! I am struggling with my beliefs on physical intimacy before marriage and need the wisdom of other single Christians.
When young I was taught that intimacy was to be reserved for marriage and throughout my 20s and early 30s I followed those "rules". My friends (Christian and non-Christian) didn't. I am now screaming up on fourty and I'm still single while all the others are married or in long term relationships. I feel like I was obedient to God's guidelines, but it feels like I have been punished for it.
I'm now entering a new relationship with a Christian man. I'm sure he would respect my decision to abstain, but I'm wavering in my position now. The Bible says to wait. But why? Are there any "outs" if you will after you reach a certain age?
I don't have and don't want kids. At my age, I'm not sure I even want to get married. I've been single for so long and it would be hard to change. I do want this relationship though and I want to be physically intimate.
So help! Why do some Christians have no trouble with physical intimacy before marriage? Am I being a prude, too wrapped up in "rules" and not in the spirit of the matter?
I feel like a freak. This is very, very embarassing at my age! I can't discuss it with my friends and family and don't know where to turn.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I don't think there are any exceptions on this. If you've waited this long, don't ruin it now. Wait until you get married. It's not the unpardonable sin, but you will have guilt if you give in to your desires now. JMO.
I struggle in a different way. I was married for 24 years. My husband died. If I get in a new relationship I don't want to be intimate unless I am married (which most guys will think I am strange or a prude or both). I can do what I want, I can choose to disobey God or I can do what I know is right. I choose the latter as hard as it may be. Of course I don't have even a prospect of a relationship in the midst, so it's easier for me to say that, but I do feel strongly about it, and my christian friends would hold me accountable I'm sure. Stay strong. If you aren't rewarded here on earth you will be in Heaven. God Bless!

 

[Jenster]

Hi Anles! Welcome to CF and to the Mature Singles area!

First off, I understand your embarrassment. It is very hard to bring up these kinds of topics with people you know and people who *think* they know everything about you already! I've brought up questions on CF that I've never voiced to others, and this community has been wonderful in guiding and encouraging me along my Christian path. I hope I can help you in turn.

First, I think it's great you've been following Biblical principles in abstaining from sex outside of marriage. Quite frankly, I believe the Bible also warns us against lusting after someone -- whether you are single or married -- and that is in one's mind. If you've been able to abstain from these things, then your aims so far are noble and God-pleasing.

I think maybe you're equating being physically intimate with being successful in a relationship, however. If I am reading you right, you said something about how you have been obedient and yet you are single, whereas friends were not obedient to the Lord and somehow managed to get married. Is that right?

Personally, I don't believe you should have to give up your values in order to be successful in a relationship, and I sure don't think it works that way. In fact, I've seen physical intimacy (too much, too soon) HARM relationships by clouding people's perceptions. They rely on physical closeness to mask their lack of emotional closeness. I've experienced that one myself, sadly.

I'm happy that you're getting to know a Christian man. For what it's worth, I would hope that the man would PROTECT your chastity, as Christ protects the church, rather than try to take it away from you!! You should NOT have to give up your virginity, something that you are saving for your husband, in order to have a successful relationship. Only YOU know how you would feel about losing it, but if you've waited this long, I think you would be disappointed to lose it to someone you might not even marry.

I guess I'm trying to encourage you to stay the course. Value your abstinence. It is pleasing to the Lord and will keep you out of emotional trouble. Don't compare yourself to others because everyone is different. There is often no rhyme or reason as to why people are still single at an older age. Maybe it's just been a lack of opportunity to meet people. I'm going to suggest that it has nothing to do with whether you are willing to have sex with someone, though. If you lose a man over that, it's likely he wasn't the right man for you.

Be blessed.

 

[Anles]

Abstinence is hard to value when it comes hand in hand with loneliness.

I'm just confused. So many Christians (especially men) don't see this as being an issue. Is it a big deal? Why is waiting better? I know God says to, but why? Not waiting hasn't seemed to have hurt those around me. Why should I wait?

(and I should, I guess, confess to some resentment with God. I resent that I followed the rules and God has ignored my prayers and cries for a husband. I know it's wrong. But I feel like I kept my end of the deal and He has not. I suppose everyone should back up before the lightening strikes...)

 

[FlatpickingJD]

A few thoughts from a guy, if I may:

First, Jenster makes really good points. Stay strong and true to yourself and in the long run I think you'll be happier and healthier (mentally and physically as a result).

Second, your desires are normal, and are not a result of your walk with God. It's human to desire intimacy, and it's perfectly natural.

Finally, any guy worth his salt will respect your decision to abstain. If he doesn't, that reflects on his character and you don't have to give up an important part of yourself just to find the companionship you seek.

Take heart and, again, stay true to what you know and feel is God's way and plan.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

You asked why it's a good idea to abstain besides believing that it's God's will. I believe it's to protect us. From an unexpected pregnancy, STDs, heartache, stupidity, etc. I believe that one purpose of sex is to bond a married couple together to protect the marriage. When a relationship ends after sexual intimacy has taken place, many people feel like they've lost a part of themselves. The physical aspect of the relationship can often cloud your judgement about the relationship, and you may continue in a bad relationship or marry someone who isn't the best match for you.

And it's not all about you. Even though the other person may be willing, sexual activity may interfere with their spiritual walk and that's a position I don't want to be in.

I've done a bit of dating in the last five years and it's about 60/40 with the men being very motivated to keeping sex for marriage. Of the men that I've dated and had these conversations; 99% said they wanted to wait, probably 60% actually appeared motivated to do so. One of my ex-bf's said one thing, then changed his mind about pre-marital sex. This was only one part of his life that didn't mirror Christian ideals, so it was a wake up call.

I'm happy to say that my current bf who had lots of pre-marital sex before becoming a Christian, wants to wait for marriage. We struggle, but I have a lot of respect for him for this decision.

 

[Jenster]

^^ What they said.

Anles, I hear you when you say you're resenting that God has allowed your friends to marry or find s.o.'s, but you're still single. But I encourage you to take heart, and have hope that God hears you and is as concerned for you as He is for anyone else.

I'll tell you something. I have a friend about your age, and she was the most miserable single I have ever known. All of our friends agree about this! She wanted to get married SO bad but she had such a hard time finding the right man. She kept asking (over and over...), "WHY?"

Well, we prayed with her intensely for more than a year, and this fall, she met The One. He is truly a good match for her in all ways, from mutual interests to physical appearance. They are engaged to be married. She is rejoicing in God's faithfulness! So don't lose confidence in the Lord! Seek His comfort, ask Him the hard questions and wait with expectation. And feel free to keep posting here.

 

[Anles]

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words, all.

I don't want it to sound like I am a miserable single. I have a lovely life. God has truly blessed me with great family and friends, a terrific job, a home that I love and pets that are adorable and sweet. I am thankful for all this and try to remind myself sternly when I get in the singleness funk that I really am blessed.
I am just frustrated and searching. I have prayed. My friends have prayed. My family has prayed. You cannot imagine the amount of prayer that has gone up. A couple of years ago I quit praying for a husband/S.O. and started praying that God would take this consuming and constant need for companionship and love and physical touch away. That He would send contentment and peace. That hasn't happened either.

It has created a serious crises of faith for me and raises all sorts of questions. Is God listening? Does He care if I'm happy? Or does He just want obedience no matter what? Why, if I am being obedient, does it seem that I am being punished for good behavior? Certainly the opportunities have been there to be disobedient. I chose to follow what He says in the Bible. I am alone. Still. My friends and family that did what felt good and what we are clearly warned to not do are now happily married with a houseful of kids. It is too late for me to have kids, and quite frankly, probably too late for me to get married. I am old when it comes to the dating pool. Why have I been punished for obedience?

Quite frankly, the result of all this is that I have quit praying. Clearly it doesn't matter what I pray for or how earnestly I pray. I have almost quit going to church. There is no place in most churches for an older, ahem... mature single. I don't fit into Sunday School classes. I don't fit in to Women's groups (let's face it, they only talk about their husbands and children and I can't relate to that at all). I go and sit alone. It makes me really, really sad. The emotional backlash totally defeats any sort of worship or learning that might occur. It just makes me fell awkward and out of place. I've tried any number of churches over the years and it's the same no matter where. And let's not even get started on singles groups! My unhealthiest interactions with men have always been in singles groups, while my healthiest have been with and from rank heathens.

So my question is why does it matter? According to the Bible, God will love me no matter what I do. Clearly He doesn't bless us based on our behaviour or obedience. Premarital intimacy is wrong, but so is speeding and I do that almost every time I get in the car. Why worry about it?
And yes, staying celibate protects us and all that. But what about the emotional trauma from never being touched with affection and love? What about the scars of rejection from a S.O. that sees nothing wrong with physical intimacy and moves on to someone that agrees with him? Those stabs of emotional rejection are every bit as damaging as physical consequences and they are much harder to overcome.

So...I'm stuck and see no clear path. Someone please tell me why this one thing matters so much more than the other little sins I wittingly or unwittingly commit every day!

signed,
The Heretic in the Corner

 

[dluvs2trvl]

Thanks for the kind and encouraging words, all.

I don't want it to sound like I am a miserable single. I have a lovely life. God has truly blessed me with great family and friends, a terrific job, a home that I love and pets that are adorable and sweet. I am thankful for all this and try to remind myself sternly when I get in the singleness funk that I really am blessed.
I am just frustrated and searching. I have prayed. My friends have prayed. My family has prayed. You cannot imagine the amount of prayer that has gone up. A couple of years ago I quit praying for a husband/S.O. and started praying that God would take this consuming and constant need for companionship and love and physical touch away. That He would send contentment and peace. That hasn't happened either.

It has created a serious crises of faith for me and raises all sorts of questions. Is God listening? Does He care if I'm happy? Or does He just want obedience no matter what? Why, if I am being obedient, does it seem that I am being punished for good behavior? Certainly the opportunities have been there to be disobedient. I chose to follow what He says in the Bible. I am alone. Still. My friends and family that did what felt good and what we are clearly warned to not do are now happily married with a houseful of kids. It is too late for me to have kids, and quite frankly, probably too late for me to get married. I am old when it comes to the dating pool. Why have I been punished for obedience?

Quite frankly, the result of all this is that I have quit praying. Clearly it doesn't matter what I pray for or how earnestly I pray. I have almost quit going to church. There is no place in most churches for an older, ahem... mature single. I don't fit into Sunday School classes. I don't fit in to Women's groups (let's face it, they only talk about their husbands and children and I can't relate to that at all). I go and sit alone. It makes me really, really sad. The emotional backlash totally defeats any sort of worship or learning that might occur. It just makes me fell awkward and out of place. I've tried any number of churches over the years and it's the same no matter where. And let's not even get started on singles groups! My unhealthiest interactions with men have always been in singles groups, while my healthiest have been with and from rank heathens.

So my question is why does it matter? According to the Bible, God will love me no matter what I do. Clearly He doesn't bless us based on our behaviour or obedience. Premarital intimacy is wrong, but so is speeding and I do that almost every time I get in the car. Why worry about it?
And yes, staying celibate protects us and all that. But what about the emotional trauma from never being touched with affection and love? What about the scars of rejection from a S.O. that sees nothing wrong with physical intimacy and moves on to someone that agrees with him? Those stabs of emotional rejection are every bit as damaging as physical consequences and they are much harder to overcome.

So...I'm stuck and see no clear path. Someone please tell me why this one thing matters so much more than the other little sins I wittingly or unwittingly commit every day!

signed,
The Heretic in the Corner

I have no answers for you because I could have written this very same post. I feel the same way you do and I have prayed the same prayers you have prayed. I have almost walked away from church and God as well. I have felt forgotten by God.

All I can tell you is that you are not alone in the way you feel...I truly, truly, truly do understand

 

[Anles]

dluvs2trvl,
You use past tense. How did you get past it?

Anles

 

[dluvs2trvl]

dluvs2trvl,
You use past tense. How did you get past it?

Anles

Well, I'm not really past it. I'm just trying to deal with it one day at a time. I read my bible, pray, read daily devotionals and get mad at God...yep! I said it! I get angry at Him and tell Him exactly what I'm thinking and feeling - not that he doesn't already know but it helps me to feel better to get it off my chest.

I also have some great friends that I can talk to about how I'm feeling...but really it's just one day at a time.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

There are more people that are in the same boat or feel the way you do than you know. I agree with you on all points. BUT.....the reason that it is wrong in God's eyes, in my opinion, is for our protection. Let's say you go ahead and say to yourself OK I quit, I give in, and you have sex with someone....then either you get pregnant, or worse, get a disease, and the relationship doesn't work out. Are you really prepared to deal with the ramifications of the decisions YOU made against God's best for you? How about the guilt you will feel afterwards? You don't know because you haven't acted on it yet. IT'S NOT WORTH IT! Besides when you have sex with someone you are joining yourself to that person (and whoever they may have been with before you) That is why it is supposed to be reserved for marriage. And then you can never give that special gift to your future husband that you are pure. You can't get that back. Also as far as you being too old to get married and have children. God can decide that, not you. Sarah was 90! I know you don't want to be, nor will you be, 90 when you have children. What I think you should try is, instead of praying for a husband or to have the desire taken away, pray for God's will in your life instead. For me, when I finally quit worrying and thinking about finding someone is when the love of my life walked into my life. Don't give up and don't give in!
You are worth the wait! Don't lose hope. Everything I read in the Bible is pretty much WAIT! Everyone that obtained anything in the Bible had to wait a long time.
I know that is not comforting and you have been waiting longer than others, but you must not compare yourself to your friends. God does have a plan for your life. And remember we were created to Glorify and Please God, not the other way around. God Bless!

 

[Jenster]

Sister Anles, thanks for opening up and sharing about your life. I'm glad to know that God has blessed you with so much. And yet I also know what you mean about the search and the desire. It feels like a thorn in your side, doesn't it? A constant ache that seems never-ending, you think that giving up hope would relieve the pain.

Thing is, while many of us are single and waiting and hoping, I think we all go through our lives in different ways. So something that may be heartrending for me may be less painful for you. But please know we are here in this community to hopefully share Christ's love and encouragement with one another.

About obedience ... well, you're talking to someone who's been a "good girl" all my life. I follow the rules. I ask permission when all those around me have chosen to act first and seek forgiveness later. But I don't equate my obedience with my getting the short end of the stick, so to speak. In fact, had I given in in the area of physical intimacy, I could be stuck in a no-way-out miserable marriage right now to some guy who doesn't love me! So I actually thank God for obedience and for the Holy Spirit's strength to obey Him in the past.

I don't know what part of the country you live in, but it's true that it's harder in some places where one's demographic group (older singles) is small. Have you thought about online dating?

BTW, you ask why does it matter? I think Michelle has offered some excellent thoughts on the protective nature of God's wisdom. He asks us to obey because He loves us and wants the best for us. The joy of becoming intimate with your husband -- your one love -- will be tremendous if you have a clear conscience and haven't given that gift to another man before him.

And also as Michelle said, the flip side of the obedience coin is that we obey in order to love God back. I know that's a hard one if one feels He's let you down, but -- again -- it is pleasing to the Lord that His children try to remain pure. The analogy is just like a human parent and child. The dad will love the kid no matter what, even if he's stolen the car and does drugs, but it brings the dad joy when the kid instead appreciates and follows the dad's wisdom. The relationship is stronger.

Anyway, just wanted to say that I hear you. I respect you enough to not pretend like I've got the answers to your life, but it seems we're all willing to discuss these issues openly here, and hopefully that helps all of us grow.

 

[Anles]

Yeah. I get mad at God too. As He is an emotional God, I think He appreciates the honesty. At least, I hope He appreciates the honesty.

Michelle- My head knows you are right. I can rationalize and give theologically sound answers all day long to my own problem. I know the church answer. I HAVE prayed for God's will in my life. More specifically I have asked that He give me peace and contentment with what is obviously His will for me. That is what I don't have. Nothing would make me happier than to be hormone-free and a nun. It would simplify my life infinitely if it were so. THAT is what He won't provide.

The final answer is that I can do nothing. I am a child of the church and the guilt of "breaking the rules" will prevent me from breaking such a major one. I have to wait because I have no other option. I still question whether being a Christian is about God loving me and helping me become a better follower or whether it's merely about whether I will be obedient. Dictatorial obedience seems to be winning over love at the moment. It's hard to honestly glorify a Father that ignores my deepest, most sincere pleas. And there's no point doing it if it's not honest.

So I will continue to not pray as my prayers are unheard. I will continue to skip church as it is emotionally unhealthy. Perhaps I'll go back when I get old enough for the old lady group.

And I will keep waiting and waiting and waiting for something that will never come.

 

[Anles]

Thanks, Jenster. It does help to discuss it here. As a "Good Christian Girl" i certainly can't speak by thoughts aloud to my friends and family. They would be scandalized!

 

[dluvs2trvl]

Thanks, Jenster. It does help to discuss it here. As a "Good Christian Girl" i certainly can't speak by thoughts aloud to my friends and family. They would be scandalized!

There is nothing scandalous about how you feel you're human and like Jen and Michelle have both said - you are not alone in how you feel

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

It's OK to be mad at God and it IS definitely OK to be honest (he knows your heart anyway). I was married, and it wasn't all roses and cherries BUT God chose to take my husband home with Cancer (my mom too and my father-in-law). So I understand pain and suffering really I do. I feel your hurt and I wish I could give you the magic pill to make it all better. For me......I have chosen to stay in church....Go with God and try to figure out what he has in MY plan. I just have to have faith that He HAS a plan for each of our lives. We don't see the BIG picture. You don't know how many times I have said to God, "just tell me how we're going to play this game". It's frustating especially when "everybody's doin it" and you think what's the harm? I just choose to take the hard road and if I never get to have a relationship again, well then so be it. What I pray for is to fulfill the destiny that God placed me on this earth for. So that when I meet him, He will say "Well done, good and faithful servant. I fail in enough other ways, that I don't need to add that sin to my list. Just be comforted in the fact that you have others here at least that can understand and let you speak your mind without judgement. I think we all wish it were easier to figure out God's will for our life.

 

[Anles]

Thanks, Michelle, for the words of wisdom. I'm so sorry about your husband, and mom and FIL. I can't imagine how hard that must have been.
I don't mean to be whiny. Clearly I'm hormonal at the moment! This playing the game blind though is terribly difficult. If I am to be single forever, then why not take away the desire? Even if I'm going to be single for a little while, why won't God take away the desire for now? I would be a lot more productive if my body didn't betray me constantly!!!

Wouldn't a Magic "Make it Better" pill be nice?

 

[country woman]

I had an intamate relatoinship with a man before i was married and now i have a beautiful 23 year old daughter. the relationship ended badly cause after we got engaged he cheated on me so I left. I have nt had an intimate relationship with a man foe over 20 years. I have had boyfriends and dates nothing serious until I met the man of my dreams. We have never met face to face but we have emailed and phoned and even wrote letters to each other. we have sent pictures to one another. This man I love and some day I will marry him. we both love each other After we are married we will be intamate. that day will be special.
so wait

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Thanks, Michelle, for the words of wisdom. I'm so sorry about your husband, and mom and FIL. I can't imagine how hard that must have been.
I don't mean to be whiny. Clearly I'm hormonal at the moment! This playing the game blind though is terribly difficult. If I am to be single forever, then why not take away the desire? Even if I'm going to be single for a little while, why won't God take away the desire for now? I would be a lot more productive if my body didn't betray me constantly!!!

Wouldn't a Magic "Make it Better" pill be nice?

I totally agree. And we all get whiny at times, no worries. I think it would be really great if we could literally hear God speak to us "Go do this" life would be easier, but then again.....