- Nov 25, 2018
- 153
- 129
- 34
- Country
- United States
- Faith
- Episcopalian
- Marital Status
- Single
Hi everyone, peace and blessings. Looking for spiritual and/or non-spiritual help. Anything at all, really. I am in a place of desperation.
I have a dual personality. Angels and demons, really. On the one hand, I am compassionate, thoughtful, empathetic, caring, and kind. I am charitable; I'll give the shirt off my back for someone in need. I build people up and help them. On the other, I have an unquenchable rage that destroys. I have made great strides using cognitive therapy techniques, but every once in awhile, I give in.
When I get angry, I get ANGRY. I see red. I want to hurt, maim, and utterly destroy. I want the subject of my anger to look up at me from the ground, shattered and broken, and know that I got the better of them. That I won. I have a love for vengeance and frequently succumb to fantasies that, if carried out in real life, would carry with them a life sentence in prison.
Most of the time my vengeance is in the form of an absolutely destructive, cruel, and unspeakable verbal lashing. I say what should NEVER be said, even to the people I love. I go way over the top as I attempt to hurt them 1000x more than they hurt me. If someone cuts off the tip of my pinky, I take a whole arm. Afterward, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, remorse, and self-hate. I despise every fiber of my being. I fall over myself apologizing. Sometimes I'm forgiven. Sometimes I'm not.
I walk around carrying resentments and grudges. Sometimes I ruminate on them, and then come the fantasies. The fantasies are satisfying, but deep down I feel guilt, shame, worthlessness, and disgust with myself.
I know that I'm better than this. I know there is so much good in me. I am altruistic, compassionate, loving. I have a strong sense of community; so much so that I actually LIKE paying taxes, because I know some of that tax money goes to schools, assistance for the poor, disability, etc. I believe strongly that I have a borderline personality, as this and other pathological patterns have been a part of me for as long as I can remember.
I need to confront this part of myself. I need the angels to win out. I can't lose any more friends. I can't take the unstable relationships. Today I lost a friend of 14 years and there is slim chance of reconciliation. I crossed a line from which there is no return.
What can I do?
I have a dual personality. Angels and demons, really. On the one hand, I am compassionate, thoughtful, empathetic, caring, and kind. I am charitable; I'll give the shirt off my back for someone in need. I build people up and help them. On the other, I have an unquenchable rage that destroys. I have made great strides using cognitive therapy techniques, but every once in awhile, I give in.
When I get angry, I get ANGRY. I see red. I want to hurt, maim, and utterly destroy. I want the subject of my anger to look up at me from the ground, shattered and broken, and know that I got the better of them. That I won. I have a love for vengeance and frequently succumb to fantasies that, if carried out in real life, would carry with them a life sentence in prison.
Most of the time my vengeance is in the form of an absolutely destructive, cruel, and unspeakable verbal lashing. I say what should NEVER be said, even to the people I love. I go way over the top as I attempt to hurt them 1000x more than they hurt me. If someone cuts off the tip of my pinky, I take a whole arm. Afterward, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, remorse, and self-hate. I despise every fiber of my being. I fall over myself apologizing. Sometimes I'm forgiven. Sometimes I'm not.
I walk around carrying resentments and grudges. Sometimes I ruminate on them, and then come the fantasies. The fantasies are satisfying, but deep down I feel guilt, shame, worthlessness, and disgust with myself.
I know that I'm better than this. I know there is so much good in me. I am altruistic, compassionate, loving. I have a strong sense of community; so much so that I actually LIKE paying taxes, because I know some of that tax money goes to schools, assistance for the poor, disability, etc. I believe strongly that I have a borderline personality, as this and other pathological patterns have been a part of me for as long as I can remember.
I need to confront this part of myself. I need the angels to win out. I can't lose any more friends. I can't take the unstable relationships. Today I lost a friend of 14 years and there is slim chance of reconciliation. I crossed a line from which there is no return.
What can I do?