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Intense pathological anger patterns

Discussion in 'Christian Advice' started by Sm412, Jul 3, 2019.

  1. Sm412

    Sm412 Member

    146
    +104
    United States
    Episcopalian
    Single
    Hi everyone, peace and blessings. Looking for spiritual and/or non-spiritual help. Anything at all, really. I am in a place of desperation.

    I have a dual personality. Angels and demons, really. On the one hand, I am compassionate, thoughtful, empathetic, caring, and kind. I am charitable; I'll give the shirt off my back for someone in need. I build people up and help them. On the other, I have an unquenchable rage that destroys. I have made great strides using cognitive therapy techniques, but every once in awhile, I give in.

    When I get angry, I get ANGRY. I see red. I want to hurt, maim, and utterly destroy. I want the subject of my anger to look up at me from the ground, shattered and broken, and know that I got the better of them. That I won. I have a love for vengeance and frequently succumb to fantasies that, if carried out in real life, would carry with them a life sentence in prison.

    Most of the time my vengeance is in the form of an absolutely destructive, cruel, and unspeakable verbal lashing. I say what should NEVER be said, even to the people I love. I go way over the top as I attempt to hurt them 1000x more than they hurt me. If someone cuts off the tip of my pinky, I take a whole arm. Afterward, I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt, remorse, and self-hate. I despise every fiber of my being. I fall over myself apologizing. Sometimes I'm forgiven. Sometimes I'm not.

    I walk around carrying resentments and grudges. Sometimes I ruminate on them, and then come the fantasies. The fantasies are satisfying, but deep down I feel guilt, shame, worthlessness, and disgust with myself.

    I know that I'm better than this. I know there is so much good in me. I am altruistic, compassionate, loving. I have a strong sense of community; so much so that I actually LIKE paying taxes, because I know some of that tax money goes to schools, assistance for the poor, disability, etc. I believe strongly that I have a borderline personality, as this and other pathological patterns have been a part of me for as long as I can remember.

    I need to confront this part of myself. I need the angels to win out. I can't lose any more friends. I can't take the unstable relationships. Today I lost a friend of 14 years and there is slim chance of reconciliation. I crossed a line from which there is no return.

    What can I do?
     
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  2. SaintNick

    SaintNick Member

    198
    +209
    United States
    Non-Denom
    Single
    Seek God.
    Stay in scripture and when you find yourself ruminating on these thoughts make a mental note to remind yourself Christ is with you and see's and knows all your thoughts and actions.

    Everybody has a capacity for anger. Some really can let it get the best of them.
    In life we have enemies and at times I may feel like exacting vengeance on those who try to intimidate me.
    But redirect yourself to the 10 commandments and always remember that you seek to be in the kingdom of God not hell for eternity for disobeying them.

    As for friends... well.. ever since I was born again I had to throw them all away anyway. So make new ones who follow the righteous path and truly believe. Even if it means walking alone. If you can't control yourself in certain situations then remove yourself from the situation entirely.
    Fallen friends are for a fallen man.
     
  3. jacks

    jacks Er Victus Supporter

    +951
    Christian
    Married
    US-Others
    I've wrestled (and still do) with this also. Anger is often my first response, later after I've had time to calm down I see it was inappropriate. For a while I was even afraid to give it up, it was how I dealt with things and I thought it gave me strength. (This is actually just the opposite of what it does in most situations.)
    So what I try to do is "go to higher ground". When the anger first starts I try to rise above it, by thinking what would be a Godly response to this situation. How can I make something positive come out of this interaction. Can I even glorify God in some way with this conflict. It is like a spiritual counting to 10, before acting. If I can make it past that first impulse I'm usually good. It's not a cure all, but I've gotten better at it and can help keep me from blowing up. Give it a try.
     
  4. Joined2krist

    Joined2krist Well-Known Member

    674
    +507
    Catholic
    Single
    You need to allow the Holy Spirit direct your life, let go and let Him in. Any time you find yourself getting angry, ask the Holy Spirit to take control of your emotions. God bless
     
  5. aiki

    aiki Regular Member

    +2,988
    Canada
    Baptist
    Married
    CA-Conservatives
    Great! It's in this place that we begin to take God seriously and realize that only He can form in us His holy character.

    Why? Why are you this way? To what end? Is God at the core of this behaviour or are YOU? Are you working to reflect Christ to others in these good things you do? Or are you just serving yourself? You know, so you can say to yourself and others, "I'm a good person"?

    Jesus told a story about people who were exorcising demons, performing miracles and preaching in his name. Good deeds, all. But when they meet Jesus at the Final Judgment, he says to them, "Depart from me. I never knew you." Why would Jesus reject these people who had done so much good in his name? Because in all the good they did, they neglected to obey the First and Great Commandment, the commandment we are to obey above all and before all others: Love God with every part of your being. (Matthew 22:36-38)

    So, in all the nice things you do from your "angel" side, does any of it happen because you love God above all else? Or is it just you being nice? What will Jesus say to you at the Final Judgment?

    Yes, this is the dark heart of every person apart from God. "The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked," the prophet Jeremiah wrote. It seems you know this very well. Your temper is simply your Self, your "old man," the apostle Paul called it, alive and well and seated firmly on the throne of your heart. Until he is displaced, dethroned and put to death, the Bible says you cannot know true fellowship with God and the Fruit of the Spirit (love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness, goodness, faithfulness, self-control) that grows out of it.

    If there is one thing the Bible makes crystal clear it is that you are NOT good. This is the fundamental problem that stands between all of us and God and is the problem that has consigned millions to hell.

    Romans 3:23
    23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,

    Jeremiah 17:9
    17 The heart is deceitful above all things and desperately wicked;
    Who can know it?

    Matthew 15:19
    19 For out of the heart proceed evil thoughts, murders, adulteries, fornications, thefts, false witness, blasphemies.

    Romans 3:10
    10 As it is written: There is none righteous, no, not one;

    Perhaps compared to some you may shine like a bright beacon of goodness, but compared to God, your best day is a foul stain of sin and darkness. And this is why God says to us in His word that none of us is good enough, that our best does not measure up. Until you can humble yourself under God's view of you and accept the truth of it, until you relinquish this idea that you are a good person, He cannot transform you and free you from the rage that grips you.

    God's answer to your question is to die. Not physically, but spiritually. This is what Jesus was talking about when he said, "If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me." (Matthew 16:24, 25) If God is going to reign in your life and transform you, the person you are now has to be denied, it has to be put to death on the cross of Christ. And when it is, God gives you a new spiritual life in Christ out of which rises freedom from the sin that was once your master.

    John 8:34-36
    34 Jesus answered them, “Most assuredly, I say to you, whoever commits sin is a slave of sin.
    35 And a slave does not abide in the house forever, but a son abides forever.
    36 Therefore if the Son makes you free, you shall be free indeed.
     
    Last edited: Jul 5, 2019
  6. longwait

    longwait Well-Known Member

    813
    +553
    Christian
    Married
    All of us have good and evil in us: angels and demons, but for some of us there is a greater manifestation of it than others. Your temper sounds dangerous.

    Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it. Genesis 4:6-7

    How about fasting and praying? You are depriving your flesh that way. Please take this matter seriously. This is spiritual war and must be handled spiritually.
     
  7. Sm412

    Sm412 Member

    146
    +104
    United States
    Episcopalian
    Single
    Wow. I am absolutely floored by these responses. Thank you all for taking the time to help me. God bless all of you.
     
  8. LoricaLady

    LoricaLady YHWH's Supporter

    +6,319
    Messianic
    Private
    As long as you are having those fantasies there will be no improvement. This will take time and serious practice but you need to train your mind, immediately, to turn from rage filled thoughts to good thoughts. You can pray, praise, recall Bible verses or whatever works.
     
  9. GTW27

    GTW27 Junior Member

    744
    +803
    United States
    Christian
    Single
    I remember about about ten years ago returning to the place where I grew up. I stopped at a traffic light and looked to my right and there was a man a knew long ago. We were in the military together. And then he said to me, "do you still have that attitude?" I replied back, "No, that was sent back, to where it came from." I then smiled and drove off.
    It has been said that when a person is truly born again(Born from above) that the old has passed away, and all things become new. I used to have a temper that would make yours pale in comparison. That, I no longer have, because I am no longer about myself. The truth of the matter for all that call themselves Christians is that If The Lord truly entered in, then when He did, any thing unclean has to exit. In my case what ever caused my temper, fled before The Lord and has been gone ever since. And since The Lord will never leave me, this become an eternal thing just as promised.For anyone reading this, and still struggling with this, just lay it all down at His feet, and I mean everything. And when you rise back up, you will see this world for the first time as His creation, with new eyes to see and a new heart to love.
     
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