Intellectual Dysfunction or Lack of Emotion

[HannahElizaW]

Part 3 of 3

I had a backing story but 32000+ characters wouldn't squeeze past the limit. The main points are what i left below. Please. I beg of you, whoever reads this, take it seriously.

As of today, when i pray I am weak. I stumble over my words and the thickness snd in depth meaning and urge of desire to hear an answer behind my prayer seems rather...pathetic. As emotional as i used to be and get, I am so drained that my thoughts often run to "God must not be calling me. This was just a fad. I'm going to be what i didn't want to be. I'm going to hell." With that very thought you would find me racing to my parents to help me in some way but now I'm just too worn out. Nothing clicks with me as much as i want it to. When I see and hear of people who are saved I become envious. I wish I was saved.

Between August and today I've had enough reconciliation to leave behind several superstitions, fears, and opposing desires when following Christ. I made mental notes: "Okay don't sin. But if you do sin ask for forgiveness. Pray a lot. Like...a lot. That'll keep you flowing. When you feel like you're drifting, read your Bible app."

As of today what most I face is:

1) I want to have faith in Jesus...the saving faith. If I, for some odd reason, still hold on to my "good works" I want to abandon them...now.

2) I want some deep awareness about my sins. Like I said, I don't have much of a conviction when i sin until i sit down later and think "WHY DIDN'T I FEEL BAD WHEN I SIN?!"

3) There's something inside me, whether it be known as the flesh, or just sinful me, that I want to abandon. In every decision i come to when it comes to Biblical, or God, or Jesus, or wanting to pray, or wanting to read the Bible, or wanting to refrain from sinning; it's there just waiting for me to do the wrong thing. It has words like "Oh Hannah, you don't wanna believe in God. You're not saved anyway so make comfort and joy in going to hell. It's okay to sin, sweety. Go back to listening to those bad songs. Stop listening to Christian music Hannah. Just...stop"

Like if there was some way i could physically reach in and tear it out of me I would. It feels more like a disease than anything else.

4) Doubts. Doubts. Doubts. Doubts. Doubts over everything too. I've doubted God's existence (boy, that was miserable). I've doubted if Jesus even walked the earth ("could muslim or judaism be the right religion?"). I've doubted the Bible's truth (I am so thankful for finding the incredulous LISTS of proofs people gave). I've doubted my salvation (*cricket noises* yeah i still think I'm not saved.). I've doubted if God really talks to people. Everything. I doubt. And I'm not big on pointing blame on other things like my scrupulous OCD but if there was some way I could take all this negativity from me, I would.

5) Wanting the what the Bible says 'bearing the fruit of salvation'...that's enough said as is.

6) I have this worry that maybe I'm not sincere. Maybe my heart's not open to God. Maybe i don't really MEAN IT when I ask for forgiveness. Maybe I am saved?...i dunno...probably not.

7) My next thing I want to cover; I wish you take this seriously since it's been a concern of mine over the past few months and I tend to blame it on lack of education and ordained under my OCD but... I want to fear hell. Like be scared that that's where i end up when i die. I know what I previously said but there are moments when I contemplate over hell and i get to these kind of conclusions. Yeah, i know hell's bad. Yeah,[bless and do not curse] i know it's scary. Yeah, i know there's a lake of fire. But i just don't FEAR it and it irritates me. Why do i have such a LACK of emotion when it comes to it. I mean I have the smallest tiniest fear of hell and that's it. It's the statement "i don't want to go to hell". That's pretty much as far as my fear goes. I know God is not of fear but of discipline but i wish i could unveil my ambivalence and just fear hell. "Fear hell, Hannah, c'mon this is sick!" I often utter in my thoughts. Like standing over a fallen over tree and telling it to get up. "Fear hell! Be very afraid!!" Well...how? Yes i would love a huge glass of 'scared out of my mind the fear of hell'. Doesn't work to just imagine things. Maybe I'm still just spiritually dead since i can't fear hell. And with that comes the sadistic and twisted thing that I know some of you will repulse from; I get thoughts like "who cares. I wanna go to hell." and then i sit there mentally shaking my head thinking "this is wrong". I wish there was some medicine or some anecdote that i can inject into my heart to spontaneously fear hell and anything that has to do with it. Most Christians become Christians out of fear of hell and everytime i google "how to fear hell' i get nothing but athiestic forums saying they don't fear it because they "know" it isn't real. Well...if they knew it was wouldn't that make them fear it? WHY CAN'T I FEAR IT?!?! IT'S scary! IT'S A TERRIBLE PLACE! AND NOT SOMETHING WE WOULD ALL WANT TO SPEND ETERNITY IN but i have no fear of it?! Why would a thought like "i want to go to hell" pop into my mind and my lack of emotion in all cases not do anything? Is this who i am? Is this why i can't feel or hear God? Why. Can't. I. Fear. Hell.?.

Please take this all seriously...and please.....help me.

 

[HannahElizaW]

For clarity's sake please read all this.

If you were to talk to me 2 or 3 years ago and ask me if I believed in Jesus I would have said 'yes' right off the bat.

If you were to advise me that my belief was actually not enough (in the sense that I had) to get me into Heaven, I, then, probably would have cursed at you or slipped you a dirty finger.

I was a freshman in high school at that time and everyone else was like that. It was "cool" to cuss out teachers behind their backs or make rude sarcastic remarks to your rude sarcastic friends. I wasn't big on the 'f' word but that didn't stop me from swearing like a sailor.

My biggest problem was lying. At that time it was an addiction for me. I grew up hearing enough of that i was either 'too boring' or 'stupid and ugly' as any fair share of people would have experienced.

I lied to everyone. I lied to my friends. I lied to my family. I lied about lying to cover up the fact that I was still a liar. I lied in anyway that I could in order make me seem less "boring" or "stupid".

"Unfortunately", one of my friends discovered a mash full of lies I had been telling her and since she was my only friend, she made me feel as guilty as I deserved. When someone new came to the lunch table and I made whatever remark, she would instantaneously remind me that I was a liar and she didn't believe a word I said.

I had cases where I would (and she would too) call myself a 'cumpulsive liar' and never think it was enough to cease things.

My history? My mother and father are born-again Christians and all throughout the house are paintings of Jesus taken from different parts of the Scripture. None of us kids in the family were saved. I'm the oldest (17), then it's my brother (15), and then it's my sister (6). Me and my brother both grew up going to church. A baptist church in fact. We had an evangelistic Pastor who lived and breathed Scripture and wasn't afraid to tell it like it is to us. He was amazing - or so my dad said. I was too young to understand his big words and loud noises. I grew up in Awana's memorizing scripture which at the time was just something else to me. What all we kids cared about mostly was the Awana Bucks and going downstairs to maybe buying a stamp or a patch of stickers or maybe even a necklace!

But that was all years ago.

We went to church mainly to hear the Gospel but my parents became hostile around the other attenders there. The church for some odd reason had packs of wealthy people, in the midst of its assembly,[bless and do not curse] who were intolerable to those of us who weren't "blessed" with earthly riches. They trained their kids even to be intolerable and i found myself the only kid in my sunday school class without a friend.[bless and do not curse] The "packs" made fundraisers and I can almost recall my father talking about how some of the rich newcomers came up to him and told him "if you don't donate, you must not believe in God".

Eventually we gave up going to church and that was practically 10 years ago.

My mother's father's mom (i know that's weird) and dad were Christians. Anyone before that I don't know about. They raised their son to be a Christian and I thank God for blessing us with a man as great as he was. He was the first in our family to discover our natural talent of playing music by ear. We can't read music but we can sure play it. My mom was the same way and it lead down to me. I was two years old when he discovered me playing on his piano and though I'm no Mozart, instead of bashing on the keys like any two year old would do, he was awed by the fact that i was matching keys. My grandfather was more than happy to know his talent had passed on since none of his other grandchildren had presented the gift. I was touched, emotionally, by this man. He was a devoted Christian. ALWAYS kind. Always nice. Always pleasant to be around. He was a pastor, musician, and travelling missionary. When my mother was in her early teens, he took the whole family down to Haiti for missionary work alone, because that was what God had called him and his wife to do until many years later when God told my grandmother it was time to return to the States. Why God took my grandfather when I was 4 to cancer, I don't know. But the very thought of what he did and how he touched all our lives would make me and my mom break down in an instance. I now know how to play the piano and guitar by ear and automatically picked up a ukulele, recently, and played things off the top of my head leaving people the impression that I already knew how to play it.

My grandfather was the reason I wanted to be a musician.

For years at school I would wait impatiently for a moment where i could ask any of my music teachers if i could show them my talent on the piano but the time never came until my sophomore year in high school. I heard a student playing the piano while the teacher was outside the classroom. I asked if I could play and when I was able to, I couldn't stop playing. I felt addicted to the keys and never wanted to leave the piano. But when i managed to pull myself away from it, i turned to face the whole class looking at me in awe at how amazing i played. Inside i felt perfect. I probably couldn't stop smiling for the rest of the day. Every day from then on in that classroom i was tempted to play the piano again, which i did. I graduated my sophomore year of 2014 making some mindset that I was going to become a musician in life as my career.

The summer of 2014 was a rollercoaster. For some odd reason i was experiencing more anxiety attacks in a single week than i had my whole life. By the end of July, i probably had 2-4 anxiety/panic attacks a day with the inner feeling that i was torn in two. One half of me was DETERMINED that I was gonna be a musician, not go to college, and try to shoot for the stars as best I could, the other half wasn't sure, in denial, and wanted to know if I had a better option to take than that. While my parents came into the living room to unload groceries one day, I raced to my room, through my head under the blankets, and cried my heart and eyes out. Finally towards the end of my traumatizing experience for the first time in a long time I prayed (more like: just cried out) "God help me! What am i supposed to do? Help me!".

The next day was an odd one. I woke up with the sudden desire to see what might happen to me in the afterlife, and I found out that day that simple knowledge of Jesus and God wasn't going to get me to Heaven.

I panicked.

Again.

Oh how I wanted to go to Heaven. By all means! I had the overwhelming desire to go to Heaven when I died. I googled how to get to Heaven.

First answer: Accept Jesus as your Lord and Savior

What? Uh...okay.. that's not too hard right?

Next answer: Turn from your sins and repent

That- well..i guess that can't be too hard right? Right?!

Next answer: Follow Christ and walk by faith.

From then on i was only making conscious decisions, thinking if i just had simple knowledge i was okay... but something didn't feel right. So the next few days i was having panic attack after panic attack after panic attack. [key word: feel]

I cried out to my mother begging her to help me and to teach me to know God. She was so happy I was asking those kinds of questions. She handed me a Bible I had ontop of my dresser and opened it to John. "This is how you know God" she said.

The next week was just a chain of me asking God to forgive me of my sins. Asking Jesus to be my Lord and Savior and to come into my heart (though i know it wasn't necessary) and so forth. I probably said that same prayer three times a day that whole week. I was looking for some feeling that let me know: "Okay you're saved. You're forgiven. No more guilt. God forgives you. Baddabing" but nothing happened...

The story of my mother was that when she was 5 years old, she went to her church, as normal, and one day they decided to show them (her class) a video called Hell's Fire...or something like that. Well...it scared the living starlights out of her.

She came home that night and was doing the dishes when something clicked inside of her: she knew she was going to hell. She ran out of the kitchen and cried in front of her mom and dad saying she didn't want to go to hell and that she was too afraid. They gathered around her and she said a prayer and instantaneously she went through an aw-ing experience that was undeniable she was then saved...or...something relatively close to that.

Though she did (and does) question her salvation from time to time, that marked me. I took notes of what she went through as expectations to what i go through. My dad on the other hand was very black and white. Everything was either "Yes" or "No" and not anything in between. He followed a girl to church when he was young and the Gospel the pastor was preaching spoke to him and the next day he was saved. I bet he doubted his salvation from time to time afterwards but, boy, he sure never acts like he does.

With that being the case I dug deeper and deeper, hoping that the next time i pray it would set me free from all my doubts of the other prayers. I was so set on wanting to be saved and be known as God's child. If I wasn't focusing on asking to be saved, I wasn't happy. I freaked out how I had no feelings whatsoever to dignify myself that I was committed so i often had doubts of what believing really meant and it came back to bite me.

When i asked my grandmother to show me how I could be saved she told me the exact same thing I had read. Believe and repent. Believe and repent.

The only problem was I didn't have a clear definition, biblically, on what believing meant and since I had no strong experience whatsoever biblically, I made the input that i just may have not believed in Jesus at all. My logic was that if i had no conviction of belief somewhere inside me then i must not simply believe. So there i was reading through John chapters 1-2 crying my heart out wishing I could believe. "Just believe" would pop into my head. HOW?! HOW CAN I BELIEVE?! I had so much guilt of my sins and nowhere to put it. My ambivalence towards needing a savior made it impossible for me to get through basic factors of becoming God's child. Everytime i prayed I'd wait for something. Reassurance? A sign? A feeling?

I decided to write a prayer down and that night before bed, I'd: shut the door, kneel beside my bed, bow my head, put my hands together, close my eyes, and pray. The moment i finished i raced to turn the lights out and flew right into bed. I was fast asleep.

In the middle of that night, an eery thing happened to me. I woke up feeling so hallow inside. Not in a bad way. But in a way that i felt like i was glowing inside and that someone had totally washed me clean, inside. I didn't know what that was but i liked the feeling. When the thought "am i forgiven?" popped into my head, I viciously shook my head not wanting to continue down that road and fell back asleep. The next day I wondered what that was. Was it just a weird emotional illusion? Probably...so i went back to asking the Lord to be my Savior and forgiving my sins over and over again. I looked up what i could be missing in "the formula of salvation".

Two things i came across were the words "humble" and "thankfulness".

Were you "humble" when you asked the Lord for forgiveness?

What are you "thankful" for?

As i dug further into "humble"-ness i discovered the word "humility" and internally freaked out. Humility isn't my strongest suit and it wasn't something easy for me to just "turn on". As if all emotions were just some switch.. I assumed and therefore added the first two words into the "formula of salvation"; humble and thankfulness.

Whilst my mother was in her room resting, I prayed another prayer to God in the garage then made a bolt to her room with tears stung to my face. Shutting the door and crawling into bed next to her. She woke up uneasily but tried to give me a reassuring smile when she saw that i was crying; again.

I mumbled out the words "I'm thankful for you".

As our conversation dragged on she began to become irritated and started yelling at me. She raised her arms and shouted "DO YOU BELIEVE THAT JESUS IS THERE?!" I sobbed a 'yes'. "DO YOU TRUST THAT HE DIED FOR YOU?!" another 'yes'. "DO YOU WISH TO TURN FROM YOUR SINS?!" another aching 'yes'. "THEN. YOU'RE. SAVED!!!" and as quickly as she said the words she walked out of the room and doubt replaced her presence.

The next month was just a constant back and forth between me...and me.

Yes I'm saved.

No I'm not saved.

Why aren't I saved?

I don't FEEL saved.

Am I saved?

Why did mom get to feel that way and I didn't?

Why doesn't God talk to me?

Why cant i just FEEL saved and move on?

Why wasn't this easy for me?

What should I do?

Should i pray again?

Should we go back to church?

The month of August was the scariest. My father was diagnosed with West Nile Virus and sent to the Mercy Hospital where they kept him there for 3 weeks. In the meantime my mother stayed with him and I was the new (temporary) authority of the household.

I now had to worry about my siblings; feeding them, supervising them, making sure they did their chores, making sure they had clothes, making sure they took care of themselves (hygiene).

I went out and got a job so we could buy something to eat.

By the end of my dad's first week in the hospital, our cabinets of food became empty and we practically scratched for food.

When word spread around our town that our family was in need, people started helping left and right: a true blessing. My baby sister's daycare center had a manager that loved her to death and would probably take a bullet for her. An amazing woman, she is.

Quietly, one day; i made through the daycare trying to get my sister when the manager stopped me and pulled her wallet out. She gave me $30 to go out and get supper that night and I thanked her so much for that and told her how low on food we were.

While i was making way for my dad's truck (since we were too poor to buy me a car and since he was unable to use it) the manager stuck her head out the door of the daycare center and called out to me with her, now empty, wallet. She yelled out "Hannah, do you need money for gas?" I shook my head 'no' politely already happy about what she had already done. I didn't want to take anymore money from her.

"Don't tell me you don't need it when you really do!" I smiled again, tempted, but said no...and thanking her for the offer anyway.

She stood in the doorway scowling at us while we climbed into the truck. She had some face like she was on to something.

 

[HannahElizaW]

The night before all three of us kids and busted our piggy banks just to afford one large Sonic blast and mom was almost heartbroken when she called to check on us and that's the only news we had to really give.

Two days later while i was at work, my new job, i got a call from home reassuring me that one of my relatives was now staying over to supervise us. I had managed to depress my manager when i gave her the news that my father was suffering from West Nile Virus (there had been a presumption that he actually had Meningitis) and now faced paralysis in the left side of his body.

I worked at a meat market and non jokingly i admitted to be a vegetarian earlier that morning and while the news spread to the back of the business, i received a text from my mother that my father would be facing his illness for approximately 2 years and that I needed to pray for him.

True heartbreak.

Joyfully, my boss rounded the corner with her hands on her hips breaking the silence with a "what do you mean you're a vegetarian?". Seeing me in tears, her face dropped and I handed her my phone. She read and nodded and then called miss Jean-Anne to the front, outside the butchering room, where we were. As she rounded the corner to us, my boss handed her my phone and she nodded too with a 'mmmm' kind of sound from her mouth. My boss looked at her and uttered "You know what we have to do right?"

I didn't.

They took my hands and together we made a triangular chain. My boss looked at me and said "You know the story of Jesus right?" I nodded still held back from that "feeling" issue i had. They both bowed their heads and prayed aloud. A chain prayer. I was actually in a chain prayer.

My boss and her husband had founded the meat business half on meat and half on their faith in God when, I think, it was God who told her husband to open the business. And I say, without a doubt, this is one of the best places to be and the most touching to me. My boss, her husband, and miss Jean-Anne were all born-again Christians that clear as day had Christ living in them. They were kind to EVERY single customer no matter how intolerable some of them might act. It wasn't some facade with them. They meant it. And it was very admirable to me.

A day or two down the road, while picking up my little sister, the manager would stop by me and nonchalantly admit that she "just so happened" to start a GoFundMe account for my family and the account "just so happened" to already have several tens of dollars in the account and she "just so happened" to have some people and teachers at my little sisters school round up a delivery truck to drop off some food for us to eat over for the next few days. So..while i was at work..i got a text from my grandma saying something like "THERE'S A BUNCH OF PEOPLE IN OUR HOUSE!" I'd come home to find out that there were boxes and boxes and boxes of food. Touched, just an inch away from crying,[bless and do not curse]i realized it was the first time in a long long long time that we had had so much food that we weren't able to put it all in our cabinets. Like how awesome is that? What an amazing gift! My mom probably started crying when she heard the news.

Every other day was the same thing:

Go to school.

Get out of school.

Drop my little sister off at the house.

Go to work.

And receive some text saying more people dropped off food for us and that we should start EATING.

That was another thing was rare for us. Usually we were hesitant.

I'd come home and see a new dish of some big meal me and my siblings hadn't tasted in months. And one day i came home to my uncle and brother cleaning out the fridge trying to find some room to put the new tupperware of lasagna that was larger than the size of a toddler infant.

We were blessed but food didn't bring my dad and mom home. In fact, one day she came home crying. Some doctor mistreating my dad who at that point was suffering from deep depression. My mom came home tear stung and went into her room and privately called some friends asking for them to pray for her and her husband and our family.

My dad suffered greatly from paralysis and at that point could not get out of bed without someone helping him. He was in need of a recliner that could also lift him up if he needed to (there's some fancy word for it but I've yet to know). And we had no money whatsoever to afford something like that...except... we talked to the lovely manager of the daycare center who started the GoFundMe account and come to find out that the account was then at $400. And with that we were able to afford my dad's special chair. For about a month my dad was in that hospital. In the midst of it all i still faced struggles with my faith and belief.

On the other hand when my grandmother came up to me asking questions of the Bible, I answered them in such a way that she was even impressed and had some deep awareness.

When it came to sin at that point in time, I shunned it and turned away to something else from it. She called my mom a day or two later talking about how impressed she was about my knowledge of the Bible. It wasn't often, in her case, that 70 year olds asked 17 year olds for philosophical advice.

After three weeks, I had to work late, scrubbing the last of the counters off, I got a text from my mom saying: he's home.

I squeeled. I showed my boss and she beamed a smile. I was so happy that I may or may not have sped on my way home.

There he was when i came home. We both broke out into tears. I was happy that he was here finally and he was crying about how much responsibility i had taken while he was away. He was borderline ashamed that i had to "grow up" so quickly all while he was away.

That night was a blessing and a good night.

From having a job surrounded by amazing born-again Christians.

From having a teacher at school i can ALWAYS talk to for Christian advice.

From having all the gifts and blessings coming from total strangers.

You'd think these would be great enough signs that God was there shaping or reassuring me in comforting ways and other signs...it wasn't. In fact, there are points where the thoughts simply fly over my head.

The month of October was interesting because I ceased the worry of "OH NO! I DON'T FEEL SAVED!" and replaced it with depression. But when it got out of hand I decided to schedule an appointment with a psychologist. As October (this is still 2014 we're talking about) came to a close, I pushed the appointment to a later date since i could feel my depression slowly fade away.

When it was pretty much overcome in November, that sense of lowliness hindered me spiritually and I panicked again. The pressumption that I was saved vanished and I remember the multiple phone calls i made to my mother saying if i were to die right now I would go to hell. Some times i was leniant but the majority of the time i was pretty confident i was going to hell. That Jesus would turn from me and say "depart from Me, I never knew you." and that'd be the end of me.

I constantly had bad thoughts. Evil, wicked, blasphemous, icky, vile, dangerous thoughts. The majority of the time, the thoughts crippled me.

Why am i having these thoughts?

Investigating every possible solution I suffered from I came to the discovery that my dilemma was that I had/have been suffering from OCD (GAD and MDD i was already aware about). All my panic attacks. All my anxiety issues. It led on to breed OCD. I still find myself gaping at how i relate so closely to all the symptoms of Scrupulousity. But making the discovery didn't make all my problems go away. The thing about having Scrupulous OCD is that it FEELS so real that you BELIEVE it's actually you and what you must literally believe even though such thoughts torment you.

Day after day it was a new worry for me.

Traumatized by the thoughts I ran crying to my mother asking for help pretty much on a daily basis.

My biggest thing was not feeling like I believed or trusted in Jesus. Must not since the feelings not there right?

I can't tell you how many times I've been told "IT'S NOT ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, HANNAH!", agree, and then just continue to mope over how i wish I could have that feeling.

I've never really thought or felt like I believed in Jesus. Even though there's no reason NOT to, I still have my doubts.

I've googled so many possibilities to see what I'm facing but for the most part it's just been me praying for something to change.

By the time i reached December I was having anxiety issues over that my INTENSE DESIRES weren't so intense anymore. I even started panicking over the fact that I might not actually care. Like if you were to ask me how i felt about Christianity a year down the road I'd probably leave you with the same suggestions you would get if you had asked me my freshman year. It's nerve wracking but when you have a division inside yourself that's too weak to make the determination between sinful desires and 'I-want-to-follow-Jesus' desires, it's tiring and weakening. At moments I have those feelings where it's like i have an angel on my shoulder and the devil on my other.

When facing a situation like: should i lie about this if he asks?

BAM

One side: No. God wouldn't appreciate that. Keep in mind God hates sin.

Other side: Well "if you're not gonna care in a few years down the road" why should you care now? Go on ahead and just lie! Big whoop!

And that's how it is for me for many things.

I should do this...but i don't wanna do this.

But it says so in the Bible...but i don't feel like it.

I should pray right now, let's do it...but there's something on on TV.

Hannah, no, I need to do this...but I say this same prayer all the time!

Division, division, division.

"Do you struggle with sin?"

Yes...no.......YEs......nu uh....uh..sure?

"Have you accepted Jesus?"

Yeah...no uh...i don't think i meant it.....well...yeah uh....maybe.....no..........yes.....no...i dunno. I didn't feel like it.

I hit a spirt and the whole month of January was hust me missing the end of classes and all of lunch period running to the bathroom, the only safe quiet place in the whole school, just to pray to God for guidance or peace or...something.

This rush back and forth has lead me to this point, right here, right now, that i am so tired and fed up, I just don't know how to go on.

I prayed for a sign after my dad came home and a week later we got a call from someone saying they wanted to pay some of our bills thatvwe were behind on.

Nothing clicks with me. Nothing feels like it's going to ever click with me.

I've started a journal where i just write everything in. Mostly my prayers, but they all are basically the same thing;

God, are You there?

Do You hear my prayers?

Are You working in me?

Lord please give me assurance.

Lord please give me some deep awareness of all my sins and burdens.

Lord please take away the ambivalence of needing a Savior and give me the wisdom and knowledge and acceptance that You are the ultimate Truth.

How do I get through this day?

I believe; Help my unbelief!

Create a clean heart in me, Oh God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me!

God, help me discern the truth from the evil and sin.

God, please give me the conviction of the Holy Spirit. Let me grieve over my sins like godly sorrow and give me the deep awareness of what my sins do to my soul and You.

The only other strong thing I've been facing is lack of conviction. Whenever i sin: lie, cheat, or steal, I have that voice in the back of my head that says blatantly "that's a sin" but no sorrow or guilt comes until later when I'm sitting down thinking "why didn't i feel bad when i sinned? Aren't i supposed to feel bad?" Isn't conviction of the Holy Spirit what leads us to true repentance? And since i haven't been convicted or sure of much anything, could this all be just anxiety and God's not calling me and that i might not be meant to be saved? I'm so weary, spiritually, that it's now hard to get the slightest emotional. And though I'm more of an intellectual person, I still rely on my emotions to verify a lot of issues.

 

[Vollbracht]

You love your grandpa and your grandpa loves you. You love your mother and your father and they love you. You love your siblings and they love you.

It is not what you do or don't do, but who you are that compels their love. And it is not what they do or don't do that compels your love for them, but who they are. You rest in that and it is a safe place of pasture to cry, to confess, to laugh and to sing...that they may do it with you.

May the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you, dear sister.

 

[HannahElizaW]

You love your grandpa and your grandpa loves you. You love your mother and your father and they love you. You love your siblings and they love you.

It is not what you do or don't do, but who you are that compels their love. And it is not what they do or don't do that compels your love for them, but who they are. You rest in that and it is a safe place of pasture to cry, to confess, to laugh and to sing...that they may do it with you.

May the grace and peace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you, dear sister.

Thanks but...that doesn't really help my situation much..

 

[Vollbracht]

I know. Only someone who is all-knowing and all-powerful can.

Take care against a desire to know all things which causes you to overlook, as unknown or insignificant, what has been given freely and is of greater value, such as the love of a family member.


​

 

[dms1972]

---------

 

[dms1972]

I was reading the other day a Bible question and answer book: And one of the questions was what does it mean to be "in Christ".

The way the writter explained it was that it has four aspects all linked.

Not saying I have got through to this but I'll summarise the answer



First it means Christ for us - substitition.
second it means We in Christ - justification
third it means Christ in us - sancification
fourth it means us for Christ - consecration

The author based this on a book by a theologian called David Smith which I am trying to source.

 

[christopher morgan]

HannahElizaW, you certainly have a truck load of questions concerning your faith in Our Lord. Your not alone I think we all have doubts, confusion and despair at times. Your certainly involved in loving others which is extremely important keep that up. The teachings of Our Lord are fairly straight forward in order to be saved. Generally we must live out of the spirit in Love, Compassion, Forgiveness, Equanimity, Non-violence, and Help those in need. If we do this we will automatically move closer to God, Our Lord and Heaven. When we make mistakes we apologise to Our Lord and God for offending him and He is happy to forgive us and wants us to get on the right way again. Of course we must genuinely try to change or improve any bad habits. That's normal, nothing to worry too much about he wants us to be a success, he is on your side.

Perhaps if you just keep it all a little simpler. Continue to practice the good strong points you have and thank God for them. Then work on any weaker spiritual points that need attention and make them stronger through simple daily practice. We have to grow in spirit to really feel Our Lord and God more in our life. Take one day at a time to grow in spirit. Even saints have periods of doubt and confusion. Being a good soul in your daily life is all God really needs from us he knows we are only human. Make a list of any spiritual points you feel you need to improve in your life and concentrate on one a month. As you grow in spiritual practice I have found questions soon get answered or you realise some of them weren't actually that important anyway. Certainly don't tear yourself apart over not getting clear, quick answers to your questions or worries, it takes a lifetime to reach Heaven.

I can only advise you to take one day at a time follow Our Lord's teachings getting stronger in your practice slowly and your answers will be answered as you grow in spiritual practice. Wish I had a simple solution for you but it takes time for Our Spirit to ripen and have understanding. Stay close to Our Lord's teachings and just practice them in your daily life and I am sure you will eventually find a peace welling up inside your mind that will remove all fears and doubts as time goes by. May you receive peace and energy of spirit, christopher

 

[Brianlear]

It sounds like you have people who care about you in your life, that's very good. You also sound young. Your main concerns seems to be that you don't feel like you are receiving 100% 24/7 guidance from God at ever step of life. Well, the truth is we have free will and God does not micro-manage your life. You are supposed to learn to be more like God and strive to show him to the world through your actions and how you live your life. That doesn't involve him always telling you exactly what to do all the time. You are never going to be fully faithful, every second of every day. Doubt is a natural part of believing. You will learn to embrace every day as a gift whatever it brings. There will be times where you feel alone (you are not). Oh, and BTW--the simple knowledge of (or rather, faith in) Jesus and God WILL get you into heaven. It's just that that knowledge will cause you to live a different sort of life than if you didn't have it.