I seem to only come to these forums when I feel the need to reach out, but I don't know where else to go to be honest.
For the past year I have been pretty depressed, and I keep getting worse. I have now gotten to the point where I have attempted to commit suicide multiple times via excessive pill intake which almost succeeded, and excessive energy drink consumption combined which has almost stopped/given me heart problems.
I have fallen in love with a friend, who is currently in a relationship and I have been so careful to respect that. But the fact that I have fallen and love and feel alone and hopeless is what finally broke me into this last binge.
In the past couple of weeks I've tried to commit suicide numerous times. I have always been pretty depressed to some level as far as I can remember for the last several years.
I have my good days of course, but I come home and hide my depression in my room listening to depressing music that outbursts me into tears, and pain. There are times when I cry but hold in the tears to where my chest hurts so bad, and I end up holding my breathe for long periods of time seemingly inadvertantly because of the crying I suppose, where I does feel like I am breaking inside and dying.
I really do just want to go home. I know that is not my authority or decision to make, which is why I suppose my suicide attempts have not been successful.
I want to die, because I want to rest. But I want to live, because I want to succeed and enjoy and love. But my life the past couple years have been so.. eh.
I'm only turning 20 this January 2nd, and what scares me is how I used to joke around how I wouldn't make it to 22, and I fear that may be true.
I told my friend that I loved her.., but that I want what makes her happy, and that it's not my place to ruin her relationship for her or her boyfriend. It feels good to have gotten those feelings from out under my chest...
I still fear for myself, because I am extremely sensitive to relationship type things. I have literally lost hope in myself. I have not lost hope in God or Jesus Christ, but I have indeed lost complete hope in myself.
I don't know what to say, do or pray. I feel like my prayers are just repeated words from the past 5 years of my life...
idk guys, I'm not Jesus christ... i can't endure this...
For the past year I have been pretty depressed, and I keep getting worse. I have now gotten to the point where I have attempted to commit suicide multiple times via excessive pill intake which almost succeeded, and excessive energy drink consumption combined which has almost stopped/given me heart problems.
I have fallen in love with a friend, who is currently in a relationship and I have been so careful to respect that. But the fact that I have fallen and love and feel alone and hopeless is what finally broke me into this last binge.
In the past couple of weeks I've tried to commit suicide numerous times. I have always been pretty depressed to some level as far as I can remember for the last several years.
I have my good days of course, but I come home and hide my depression in my room listening to depressing music that outbursts me into tears, and pain. There are times when I cry but hold in the tears to where my chest hurts so bad, and I end up holding my breathe for long periods of time seemingly inadvertantly because of the crying I suppose, where I does feel like I am breaking inside and dying.
I really do just want to go home. I know that is not my authority or decision to make, which is why I suppose my suicide attempts have not been successful.
I want to die, because I want to rest. But I want to live, because I want to succeed and enjoy and love. But my life the past couple years have been so.. eh.
I'm only turning 20 this January 2nd, and what scares me is how I used to joke around how I wouldn't make it to 22, and I fear that may be true.
I told my friend that I loved her.., but that I want what makes her happy, and that it's not my place to ruin her relationship for her or her boyfriend. It feels good to have gotten those feelings from out under my chest...
I still fear for myself, because I am extremely sensitive to relationship type things. I have literally lost hope in myself. I have not lost hope in God or Jesus Christ, but I have indeed lost complete hope in myself.
I don't know what to say, do or pray. I feel like my prayers are just repeated words from the past 5 years of my life...
idk guys, I'm not Jesus christ... i can't endure this...
