Ineffective Communication

[justblue]

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[Cordy]

Hi Justblue ,

How long have you been married? How long have you felt like this?

You say you try to talk to him about this. How do you bring up the subject? What kind of things do you specifically say to him? What are his specific responses back?

 

[Picture.Of.Obedience]

I am in a somewhat similar situation again, so i will be glad to read what others post.

 

[Robinsegg]

Is your husband a Christian? Would he be willing to pray with you or do some kind of devotional/Bible study together? One way to communicate well is to be communicating with God together. It's extremely intimate and brings you both on the same page on many different levels.

Are you currently attending church together? Could you attend a Sunday School class together and study the lesson together each week?

Is there an Experiencing God class you could both attend? This is a great way to start talking together about things that really matter, and it will rarely get into small stuff in your marriage, this is a study to help you get closer to God and find out what ministry you should be a part of.

I really can't help you much w/o knowing the answers to the questions the other poster asked.

God bless,
Rachel

 

[Leanna]

Hmmm I will add, could you write him a letter talking about these concerns in a non confrontational way... such as, I love you and I wish that you would hug me when i am crying even if you don't understand WHY I am crying..... that sort of thing.

I would also suggest professional marriage counseling... we went... it was great, seriously

 

[lronngren]

My husband and I still have this problem. Today we celebrate our 4th anniversary. Last year we went through a small group Bible study based on The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It has made a ton of difference in our relationship. We still have our struggles, but knowing how better to love each other has helped.

 

[Autumnleaf]

Hi everyone,

I am hoping you can help me in some way! I don't even know where to begin when it comes to what I'm feeling but what I need help with is: Communication!

My husband and I can't seem to communicate well at all and it is hindering so many aspects of our marriage.

-We bicker about small things.
-He doesn't seem to want to comfort me when he knows I'm sad. I could be crying so hard because I'm hurt about something and it doesn't seem to affect him. I desire him to automatically want to feel sympathy for me and it doesn't seem like he does.
-We have the worst sex life and this is just so sad to me. well, to both of us.

1. Don't expect your husband to read you unless he's gay. You have to tell him how you feel and what you need from him. ie "I feel sad. Come over here and hold me and tell me you love me."

2. If you are crying or deeply upset he may not want to touch you because you might be mad at him. Maybe he feels he can't make you happy so he shouldn't try? If your husband knew what to do and if when he did it it made you happy towards him believe me he would do it unless he's a holistic jerk-which he isn't if you chose to marry him righ?

3. You have to tell him how you feel and ask him to respond how you want him to. When I'm upset I don't want my wife near me. When my wife is upset she wants to be held. He may be treating you how he wants to be treated in such situations which is not 'right'. Teach him how to make you happy and reward him when he at least tries.

 

[Robinsegg]

This is great advice! I've always had the attitude that it's not my husband's responsibility to keep me happy, it's mine. It's also my responsibility to give him the opportunity to fulfill my needs by letting him know what it is. Then he has a choice. If he chooses not to help me, I can seek out a gf to listen, pray and hug with me. I'm just very careful not to do this with another man, as it can lead to problems (or the appearance of sin, which we are to flee).

Rachel

1. Don't expect your husband to read you unless he's gay. You have to tell him how you feel and what you need from him. ie "I feel sad. Come over here and hold me and tell me you love me."

2. If you are crying or deeply upset he may not want to touch you because you might be mad at him. Maybe he feels he can't make you happy so he shouldn't try? If your husband knew what to do and if when he did it it made you happy towards him believe me he would do it unless he's a holistic jerk-which he isn't if you chose to marry him righ?

3. You have to tell him how you feel and ask him to respond how you want him to. When I'm upset I don't want my wife near me. When my wife is upset she wants to be held. He may be treating you how he wants to be treated in such situations which is not 'right'. Teach him how to make you happy and reward him when he at least tries.

 

[justblue]

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[justblue]

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[justblue]

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[justblue]

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[justblue]

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[justblue]

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[Robinsegg]

Yes, he is a Christian. He would be willing to do any of those if I ask him but what is hard for me is that He tends to think he knows everything and instead of feeling like we are doing something together and as a team. I just feel like he is always trying to teach me and tell me things. I do like what you're saying and I agree with you.

Please let me know if I'm reading this right. Are you saying that if you try to study something together, you feel as if he's trying to teach you instead of learn with you? Does he have a gift of teaching? Could this be something he does without realizing it?

Yes, we attend church. I agree with your idea but it goes along the same lines as above.

Is he very knowledgeable about Biblical things? Is he a good student in this area? Does he know more? Could he truly be trying to help you?
I ask this because I'm a teacher at heart. I'm a great student and love to dig deeper and learn more. I, at times, come across this way to my husband without meaning to. Could this be the case and he just hasn't heard (listened) to you say it yet, or it's so much a habit that he doesn't catch himself?

Experiencing God- there is a workbook on this-right? I have it. Its a black book?

That's right.

I would love to find some kind of Christian Marriage Conference, that would be nice! Does anyone know of any that travel around to different areas?

There are a couple I know of. I think http://www.cri.org has one. So does Parent Talk at http://www.oncallradio.org/

I am sorry If I am being difficult answering the questions. I am trying my best. I appreciate your help so much!

You're doing just fine! One other thing to think about: Does your husband treat everyone like this, just certain people, or just you? If he treats everyone like this, you can either consider it an inate part of him and expect it from him or earnestly pray for him to change (you can't change him, but the Holy Spirit could).

If he treats only certain people like this, try to notice which people he does this with. Ask him what he thinks of each person after he's had a conversation with them. It could be very enlightening!

If you're the only one he talks to this way, you have a different situation. Are you on good terms with his mother? If so, maybe you could talk to her about this and get her take on it. Ensure her you're not attacking him, but you want to understand better to fulfill your marriage better. She may have some insight.

I hope this helps you,
Rachel

 

[justblue]

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[Autumnleaf]

1. I don't expect him to read me. I do try and and tell him and he gets defensive.

2. He's not a jerk but when I am upset I tell him everytime what I need and he just doesn't get it.

3. Sometimes I can tell him how I feel and he will listen and be sweet and say he'll try but sometimes I will tell him how I feel and he almost makes me not want to tell him sometimes. Sometimes he makes me feel worse after I share with him. But like I said, when I am upset/crying, I tell him what I need, he knows! He doesn't always do it though.

What won't he do? Are you asking him to change something like "You need to be more considerate of my feelings!" or are you asking him to give you a hug? If you ask for something specific that he can do right now you'll probably get it. If you ask him for something big and vague he may not know what you specifically want him to do. ie 'Be more considerate of my feelings', means different things to different people because different things have different meanings to people.

 

[LynnMcG]

Don't play games. Be straight forward and remember, he's not you, nor will he ever be you.

The best advice I got when I was first engaged was that men and women are different. If you can appreciate the difference, you'll be happily married forever. If you can't or won't get it, then you'll always struggle.

Men don't operate like women. It's that simple. If you're upset, tell him "I need a hug" (as Autumnleaf already said). If you need him to take out the trash, ask him to please take out the trash. Don't expect him to know what you need. He can't read your mind. AND, he may react to you in one way today, but that same reaction to a similar situation may be totally wrong for you tomorrow.

The other big thing...what are you doing? Are you doing your job (as wife) to the best of your ability? Are you keeping track of all the great things you do that he doesn't do? Don't keep score. It's wrong.

Try reading 1Cor 13 and instead of reading "love" place your name in the verses. This will be true for all relationships, not just husband/wife.

Pray to be a better wife. Pray and ask God to change you. Don't bother asking to change him. You won't. But if he sees a change in you, you may be blessed with a more positive change in him.

 

[LynnMcG]

Sorry!

 

[LynnMcG]

UGH! stupid keyboard! Sorry!! Accidetnal triple post!