justblue said:
I do ask for specifics but the situation is just so iffy sometimes, usually when this happens we are both hurt and I tend to need comfort first because I am crying where he doesn't show hurt in the same way. And he can't always give it to me because he is hurt to. We have talked about it and we are both working on things. Thank you!
Excuse me for saying this, but your description that you are both hurting seems to be saying that what you are talking about is a situation where the two of you are bickering or fighting. Then you start to cry. At that point you assume you are hurt more and you need to be comforted, and that's what he should do.
That is called selfishness.
You don't know how much he is hurting, you are just assuming you are hurting more and are more important.
Instead of worrying that you are hurt, why aren't you worrying that he is hurt, whether or not it is as much as you?
And why would you and he be hurting? I'm guessing because you have both just been trying to hurt each other.
So you two are busy hurting each other, you get to the point where you basically cry "enough"! And you are now here complaining that he doesn't just suddenly swap from hurt mode to being a wonderful considerate husband.
Good thing I'm not there, I would give you both a spanking.
You two, both of you, need serious help. You must, at the very least, learn to fight fair. Hurting the other must not be a goal for either of you. You two didn't marry each other to become really good at hurting the other, but that is what you are practicing all the time, and you both are getting really good at it arent' you?
If you really really want to change it you probably can all by yourself, but you are going to have to stop the process long before you are crying and want comfort. But it does work much better and is much easier if the two of you go to counseling together.
Don't run to your husband and say something like "we need to go to counseling." Say it more like, "I am very convicted that I have been hurting you and I don't want to ever do that. I need counseling and the counselor wants us both to come so I can practice in front of the counselor." Of course you will have needed to have found the counselor and told him or her the situation beforehand.
Basically what you need to ask the counselor is that the two of you don't know how to discuss things properly, and when you fight, your goal isn't to come to an agreement but to hurt each other. If the counselor wants you to come alone for a session or two do it. But the counselor will want both of you there.
Basically, what will go on is the counselor will describe a discussion and how the two of you should do it and so on, and then you will practice in front of the counselor. The counselor will stop you when you make a mistake, and so on.
With a few session in front of the counselor, I haven't seen any couple that really desired to change that didn't rapidly improve their relationship when this is the problem.
When you go home, you will still automatically start to react to each other in the destructive way that you currently do, but that is where you then stop and apologize and proceed in the way that the counselor teaches you. It take awhile to change the automatic wiring in the brain so your normal response becomes the productive way, probably 6 months if you work at it. But it is amazing how much better the two of you will feel right away, because when the other lobs that hurt bomb and then right away stops and apologizes, well the anger with each other starts to melt away.
I think the sex will probably respond in a positive manner when the two of you quit spending your time hurting each other.
So off to the counselor, might as well get it going right quickly, and counselors are really cheap compared to lawyers or living a life of pain. It's really so common and relatively easy that the counselor will probably feel guilt for charging you. But remember that the counselor can only show you and coach you and then it is up to the two of you to practice.
Generally in a bickering situation, even if only one partner changes it really helps so even if he is so hurt that he doesn't cooperate you can really improve both your lives.
Go to it girl, a much better life awaits.
Marv
