inappropriate content in a Christian marriage

[oreosprinkles]

Hi guys, I've been having problems. Some between my husband and some between my mind and soul.

My husband and I have been together for almost 2 years. We love each other, and we want to live the most Christian life possible. My husband watched inappropriate content for about 5 years before me and even in our beginning relationship he would occasionally do it. I ignored it at first. I don't even know why I did. So about 8 months in, I finally told him that he needs to stop. It's either me or the inappropriate content. He agreed at it's almost been a year. This is all good news right? Well 2 weeks ago he tells me that he sometimes misses it. Because it's like an addiction. I can understand, so I just ask him to pray with me about it.

Last night when he was at work, I felt like something was wrong( I get these "psychic" visions and feelings of things before they happen, a gift from god) so I texted him about my feelings. He comes home and admits the 2 weeks ago half of him was trying to "convince" me that inappropriate content isn't so bad. The other half appernly knew that was wrong. He still swears he won't watch it. But he's nervous that as we get older we won't have sex as much. I appreciate him telling me the truth,but the truth hurt this time.

I know it sounds silly, but my self esteem and soul has been broken from inappropriate content in the past. I cannot stand it. It's so morally wrong and I do feel bad for the people who are sex trafficked. Nothing good comes out of it.

Do you think it was normal of him to do that? What precautions should I take? I'm pregnant now and I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with this now. I just want to be happy with him and have a godly marriage


Ps* I don't deny him of sex either. I feel like it is an important part of marriage. I think that's why it hurt so bad

 

[Hopeforme]

Hi guys, I've been having problems. Some between my husband and some between my mind and soul.

My husband and I have been together for almost 2 years. We love each other, and we want to live the most Christian life possible. My husband watched inappropriate content for about 5 years before me and even in our beginning relationship he would occasionally do it. I ignored it at first. I don't even know why I did. So about 8 months in, I finally told him that he needs to stop. It's either me or the inappropriate content. He agreed at it's almost been a year. This is all good news right? Well 2 weeks ago he tells me that he sometimes misses it. Because it's like an addiction. I can understand, so I just ask him to pray with me about it.

Last night when he was at work, I felt like something was wrong( I get these "psychic" visions and feelings of things before they happen, a gift from god) so I texted him about my feelings. He comes home and admits the 2 weeks ago half of him was trying to "convince" me that inappropriate content isn't so bad. The other half appernly knew that was wrong. He still swears he won't watch it. But he's nervous that as we get older we won't have sex as much. I appreciate him telling me the truth,but the truth hurt this time.

I know it sounds silly, but my self esteem and soul has been broken from inappropriate content in the past. I cannot stand it. It's so morally wrong and I do feel bad for the people who are sex trafficked. Nothing good comes out of it.

Do you think it was normal of him to do that? What precautions should I take? I'm pregnant now and I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with this now. I just want to be happy with him and have a godly marriage


Ps* I don't deny him of sex either. I feel like it is an important part of marriage. I think that's why it hurt so bad

Hard to say because it is a struggle most Christian men don't talk about openly. But because he is honest with you, that's a start. I take honesty over a lie any day.

 

[oreosprinkles]

Hard to say because it is a struggle most Christian men don't talk about openly. But because he is honest with you, that's a start. I take honesty over a lie any day.

That is true. I'm happy he doesn't do it anymore but upset at what he said

 

[Hidden In Him]

I know it sounds silly, but my self esteem and soul has been broken from inappropriate content in the past. I cannot stand it.

Here is your key.

The dynamics of sexuality, the human soul, and the interactions of two entirely different personalities fully seeking to express themselves amidst sexual intimacy are complex in the extreme, and there may be much more that he is longing to share with you personally which he would want to express with you sexually as a result. Unfortunately now that you're pregnant now will not be the time.

But all that having been said, a vital factor that he will readily identify as relevant to the conversation is praying that you can sit down with him, in the right context, and explain to him how it is/has destroyed your self-esteem and broken your soul. Despite his lusts, this will likely touch his heart, and cause him to seriously take into consideration that there are more needs involved than just his own.

But pray first. If you try to begin sharing things like this when he is already taking a defensive position, all he will hear is that you are potentially taking something from him, and not being sensitive to his needs, which will only cause him to resist.

God bless, and hope this helps you somehow.

 

[mkgal1]

I know it sounds silly, but my self esteem and soul has been broken from inappropriate content in the past. I cannot stand it. It's so morally wrong and I do feel bad for the people who are sex trafficked. Nothing good comes out of it.

Do you think it was normal of him to do that? What precautions should I take? I'm pregnant now and I feel like I shouldn't have to deal with this now. I just want to be happy with him and have a godly marriage

No....that doesn't sound silly one bit. You're right.....nothing good comes from inappropriate content.

As far as whether it's "normal" for him to still miss the inappropriate content? If he's not dealt with what led him to become addicted in the first place--then, yes. I'm not an expert.....but maybe these sites can offer you more understanding:

Get Help - Fight the New Drug

Podcasts | Restoring the Soul

 

[RDKirk]

In this issue, nobody ever seems to ask "why." The general presumption is "lust" and all comments go in that direction.

But presuming that watching inappropriate content is always the result of lust is like presuming that an obese person's problem is always "hunger."

 

[mkgal1]

...along the lines of what RDKirk just posted:

 

[mkgal1]

......something that I believe feeds this is our culture's message to boys/men that expressing emotion is "feminine" and "not masculine" ....coupled with the message that sexual assertiveness *is* "manly". That sort of puts a stamp of approval on this as being just a part of being a man (which is a lie).

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

Despite the face that like 85% of christian men have seen/still look at inappropriate content and like 65% of christian women do to.... you don't often hear about it. Because lets face it, its a very embarrassing addiction and people are very fast to judge on it.

Theres no room for inappropriate content in a marriage at all. Even if you free yourself from inappropriate content (or any addiction really), the devil always waits for a weak moment to drag you back in. As I said in another topic technology just makes inappropriate content super easy to find no matter what your using.

I've seen that many look at inappropriate content because of a lack of sex (which you said isn't the case for this) or there is something in inappropriate content they are getting that they don't get out of regular sex. Something maybe they want to try with their spouse but won't ask so theres no pressure on the spouse. And another reason inappropriate content is addicting is it never stops. Theres always something new to see, to explore...etc.

You want to know a sad fact? The inappropriate content industry often is the decider of new mediums. For example CDS becamse popular over VHS because inappropriate content companies could put more on a CDS and it looked better. Then DVDs. Though with Blurays they didn't totally love them because of the cost. Sad facts. >.<

As in my other response in the other topic, pray for him. Make him get counseling with you. Remind him every single time he looks, hes cheating on you. God sees his heart and looking at a naked woman and wanting to "enjoy" her too means cheating. Just as the bible says if you think of killing someone in your heart, then you are a murderer.

 

[Hidden In Him]

In this issue, nobody ever seems to ask "why." The general presumption is "lust" and all comments go in that direction.

I agree with you here, although I used the word lust because "passion" might have put an overtly positive tone on everything the man is/was desiring, which could be misleading to her. I believe the fine line between intense passion (rightfully placed there by God and hence Holy), and lust (a perversion of those feelings getting redirected towards sexual idolatry) can very easily get crossed if we're not careful.

This subject matter deals with the rightly dividing of soul and Spirit, which can be a tricky thing.

 

[PollyJetix]

In this issue, nobody ever seems to ask "why." The general presumption is "lust" and all comments go in that direction.

But presuming that watching inappropriate content is always the result of lust is like presuming that an obese person's problem is always "hunger."

Definitions, please.
What is "lust"?
And what is "hunger"?

I don't think we should equate those two.
Lust is not just the urge to have sex. Lust is the choice to look at someone while undressing them, and doing sexual acts in the mind. Just feeling a hunger for sex is not lust.

What is hunger? Is hunger a physical feeling of needing fuel for physical survival?

Did you know that all obese people have insulin resistance?
This is how insulin resistance works:


Insulin tightly regulates blood sugar. When you eat anything with carbohydrate in it, your pancreas puts out insulin, to keep you from going into a coma. As long as everything works right, your insulin levels don't go very high.

But when the body is insulin resistant, it means the blood sugar fluctuates much more.
When you eat, the sugar goes higher than it ought, because the insulin is having a hard time getting the cells to respond, in taking up the sugar into fat storage.
So, the body senses the blood sugar going higher, so it churns out more insulin.
Finally, the blood sugar comes down... but it takes much longer for insulin levels to fall.
There's a lot of insulin in the blood yet, and it continues to pull the blood sugar lower and lower.

So there's another crisis. Low blood sugar. How does one get blood sugar up? By either eating, or by the liver creating blood sugar from stored fat. But that last route involves hunger pangs.

Suppose a man has a 2000 calorie basic need for food, just to maintain his weight.
He is trying to stick carefully to his diet, and counts every calorie. He finishes up his last meal of the day, bringing his total to exactly 2000 calories.

But there's a problem.
Depending on his level of insulin resistance, a percentage of every calorie he eats, ends up stored as fat, locked away by that excess insulin circulating in his bloodstream.

Suppose his level of insulin resistance automatically sequesters 40% of all his intake, into fat storage.
That means he has eaten 2000 calories, but has access to the energy of only 1200 calories. 800 calories got stored as fat. Locked away by that insulin.

He is starving, both on a cellular level, and in his feelings of hunger. He feels like he needs another 800 calories, just to survive. He cannot sleep so hungry. At midnight, he is exhausted, cranky, and desperate. He caves, and eats those 800 calories. Sigh. Now he can sleep, right?

No. Out of those excess 800 calories, 40% goes into storage, automatically. That's... 320 calories.
That's right.
The guy has eaten 2800 calories, and feels like he has only eaten 1680 calories.
Still a huge deficit.
He's still hungry.

I mean really hungry. His cells have no access to the 40% of his food, that his insulin resistance has shuttled away into storage. He is starving.

He feels so defeated. He cannot understand why he struggles so much with hunger.
He prays. He weeps. He begs God for help.

His muscles, bones, and brain are still screaming for 320 calories... just to meet their minimum quota.

He gives in... and you know what will happen? Same cycle.

And then, he struggles into his sweats the next day, to try to work off some of his indulgences of the night before...

And meets the public... who mocks him for his "lust".

No. Lust isn't the same thing as hunger in an obese person.

Sex is not necessary for life. You can fast from sex for the rest of your life, and it wouldn't hurt you. Not physically.

Can't do that with food.
I wish I could.

 

[mkgal1]

I can be wrong, but I took RDKirk's comment to mean that we can't make presumptions about a person's addictions or lack of health. Often it's a desire that's not as general as "hunger" or "lust". It can be "eating emotions" like shame or rejection (which has nothing to do with satisfying hunger).....or avoiding genuine intimacy and a fear of rejection (which gets missed if just defined as "lust").

It actually goes along with your thoughts: we can't make presumptions nor generalize.

 

[Humble me Lord]

My wife and I have been married for 15 years. I too had an addiction to inappropriate content, thank God that he has delivered me from this.
In my case it started young, looking at magazines and with the internet, it made it much worse. It's like a plague. Before I was saved I never thought it was wrong, even after, I struggled with it. I believe it is like an addiction. It didn't matter who I was with at the time, because it didn't have to do with "love". I didn't do it because I wanted to cheat on my wife, and in my mind I wasn't cheating, after all, I wasn't "with" anyone else. I also tried to get my wife involved in it and convince her it was ok.
My wife felt the same way I think you do, betrayed, and that surprised me at first. Thats what hurt the most, was that I had hurt her. We had a healthy relationship at the time and she has forgiven me.
In the end, I realized what true love is, a commitment, not a warm fuzzy feeling you get. I had to separate myself from any internet contact for about a year. The farther along I get in my relationship with Christ, the farther I get from that sin.
Just realize that its nothing you did, or didn't do. I will pray that he realizes how this can impact a marriage and he is delivered from it.
The pastor of our church was even set down after being caught up with this sin.
God Bless and prayers are with you.

 

[mkgal1]

....and about those presumptions: a lot of the time the response is unfair and shallow (both to someone that's struggling with a metabolic disorder or an addiction).....it will be something like, "just don't do that....it's wrong....eat less or stop viewing that....pray about it and you will be free".

It's far more complex than that.

 

[Hidden In Him]

The dynamics of sexuality, the human soul, and the interactions of two entirely different personalities fully seeking to express themselves amidst sexual intimacy are complex in the extreme, and there may be much more that he is longing to share with you personally which he would want to express with you sexually as a result. Unfortunately now that you're pregnant now will not be the time.

By the way, by making these statements I was not necessarily making a case in favor of inappropriate content use. I was simply stating that in order for a couple to reach complete and total sexual fulfillment in their marriage, it must be attained on a soulish and spiritual level too, which means all the walls to communication have to be completely broken down to achieve it. And because two different personalities, even among married couples, are often not fully ready to embrace everything that the other person is, desires, needs, yearns for, and was created by God to fulfill as their calling, these walls stay up, cause one or both of them to close off for fear of rejection, and this leads to disillusionment and dissatisfaction in the sexual part of their relationship.

His statements about missing inappropriate content may be a subtle way of communicating to you that he feels there's something missing in your sexual life, and a plea to see if you will discuss it.

 

[mkgal1]

His statements about missing inappropriate content may be a subtle way of communicating to you that he feels there's something missing in your sexual life, and a plea to see if you will discuss it.

.....or, as you mentioned as well, something missing from his spirit or soul (IOW....he may not be honest with himself--or is unlearned in how to even express himself genuinely which leaves a person unable to receive and give love).

 

[Hidden In Him]

.....or, as you mentioned as well, something missing from *his* spirit or soul (IOW....he may not be honest with himself--or is unlearned in how to even express himself genuinely which leaves a person unable to receive and give love).

Exactly.

 

[RDKirk]

I can be wrong, but I took RDKirk's comment to mean that we can't make presumptions about a person's addictions or lack of health. Often it's a desire that's not as general as "hunger" or "lust". It can be "eating emotions" like shame or rejection (which has nothing to do with satisfying hunger).....or avoiding genuine intimacy and a fear of rejection (which gets missed if just defined as "lust").

Exactly. It could be anger from a number of sources. It could be exasperation or a sense of helplessness over any number of reasons.

What is the reason someone becomes a drug addict? Is there any single reason all persons fall prey to any addiction? Why is there a supposition that addiction to inappropriate contentography has a single reason?

So let's say the underlying reason is anger. Or the middle age male crisis of discovering that "everything is meaningless"--that all the energy he has put into his career or work will come to nothing in less time than he's already lived.

Even prayer must target the real reason--the anger or the angst--to be effective.

 

[Dave-W]

I don't think we should equate those two.
Lust is not just the urge to have sex.

Most churches define it as any sexual thought or desire.

 

[Dave-W]

Sex is not necessary for life. You can fast from sex for the rest of your life, and it wouldn't hurt you. Not physically.

Actually, the stress of chronic unfulfilled sexual desire can lead to increased stress hormones which can have all kinds of negative physical effects.

One Christian OB/GYN (Dr Ed Wheat) wrote in one of his books that he believed it was a major reason for most of the hysterectomies he had to perform.