In the middle frustration.

[GabrielMyAngel]

Are you physically in shape, have all your hair, are not overweight, don't have any children, no x's, and find it totally frustrating being the odd person out?

I've been told to wait for the right one, just wait, and I'm finding I've taken the wrong advice. I've given in and settled with gals that have already had their families, and I'm just an afterthought, expected to just play the roll of husband and father, perfectly in line with what was started before.

I'm looking at the playing field, and have a choice between someone much younger then me, or I have to commit adultery by getting involved with someone that has been married before, with all of the baggage, kids, and past I will and have in the past, had to endure.

I'm penalized for having numbers attached to my age, but physically, and baggage wise, the numbers are meaningless when it comes to a relationship. There are no places for a single 44 y.o. person to be at, anywhere, secular or otherwise, with the exception if I had some extensive past, past wives, past family I was supposed to have raised. I've waited a very long time to be totally let down in this area and I'm going, get involved with a younger gal that's beautiful, but has no life experience I can relate to, or get involved with one closer to my age, that I don't find attractive "most of them I don't find attractive that are my age", and have to be a surrogate to their children, and pretend it's ok when I get compared to their x....

Physically, even the ones much younger then I, cannot keep up with me, I'm a dynamo of thought, energy, and heart, and the Lord has been blessing me with preserving my mind and body over the years. I do have wisdom, enough to know not to repeat the mistakes of the past, and these things are only learned through experience. It's a darned if I do, darned if I don't scenereo now, and I'm a bit put off being labeled as this "old" guy, when hanging with the younger crowd, they consider me to be of their age group, but at the same time, being labeled as a "young" guy among the crowd that's into the faith, ie. 50's - 60's, + when I'm not only up there with them in understanding, often I am placed into the roll of being "their" teacher..

So, anybody else, facing this, are you in the middle, where you aren't fitting the typical mold of someone in their 40's, and find it difficult to assimilate within any crowd or social circle?

 

[dayhiker]

being divored with kids put me on the other side of the fence from you I guess.

I once talked with a woman who felt pretty much the same as you. She started life obeying all the rules the church put on her. In her late thirties found herself alone, a virgin and hadn't been asked on a date in 10 yrs. She too was in shape, couple of health issues, but a very smart lady. Was published and had been on several talk shows. Yup, she changed her view on some of the christain stuff she had heard as it didn't ring true to her and didn't work for her. I supported her in what she chose to do and it worked out great for her. Even got her an other book to write.

Ya, some Christians will look down on what you have to next, no doubt. But I'd say keep seeking Jesus and move ahead with your life.

 

[GabrielMyAngel]

My standards and ideals were not to the height and level the church teaches, and it took me quite a long time to figure out how the secular do it. There are players and non players, and many, many games in the secular world, it's worse with the advent of the www.

The official church "denomination-ally wise", has no real stance along these matters, it opts to remain silent in these manners, and at best, assembles some micro group of kids, and calls that entire purpose fulfilled.

In my case, it's beyond merely being in shape, there are a lot of people in their 40's, that are in shape, but the rest of their being, externally and internally, the age is not only apparent, I've noticed many appear to be far, far beyond their chronological years. It's partially a result of diet and genetics, but mentally and spiritually, you do age based upon the latter factors primarily. That has no matter here though, some of the most immature women I've known, were actually older then me, so it's irrelevant on this part of the discussion.

That gal, sounds like she settled, and it's a temptation, but I've been in relationships where I've settled, it's just not at all worth it, it's more miserable to be in something second best, when you know you deserve better. Thus the reason I do NOT date divorced women.

In this matter, the church has completely fallen on their faces with, and worse, a single male in his 30's or 40's, that attends services alone, will always be scrutinized for no good reason. Anyway, off of my soap box on this one, just a bit frustrated how there is a huge gap of people in my age group, single or married, that do not attend church at all. It seems like everybody goes until their very early 20's. Stops, and comes back in their mid to late 50's.

 

[dayhiker]

I'll stand up for the woman, I know. She doesn't feel she has settled or was tempted. Neither she nor I see that she did anything wrong.

 

[GabrielMyAngel]

I'll stand up for the woman, I know. She doesn't feel she has settled or was tempted. Neither she nor I see that she did anything wrong.

Agreed, and my response was based upon what was implied. If she met her equivalent, in this world,then it would be a miracle unfortunately.

 

[Keith734]

Take heart my brother! Soon you will lose some of that hair and your body will lose firmness and gain flab and lose your sharpness of mind! Then you have more in common with us "old guys".( Here's hoping you have retained a youthful sense of humor) Hang in there,she's out there! God bless.

 

[dayhiker]

lol ... I wish I could get get ride of my belly. That sure would be nice. I did paint half of one side of my house today. Did it, but my arms are sure tired right now.

 

[Keith734]

Just keep hiking during the day the fat will melt away!

 

[dayhiker]

I walk about 2 miles at lunch time every day. It sure helps to keep the metabolism going while I'm sitting at the computer terminal. But I still put on 10 lbs over the last year from when I was a batterman on the fish line! But so far its leveled off here. So its not melting away, but it sure is helping.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

The older you get the harder it gets and there really are no places to "go" to meet people IMO.
I do have one question for you. Do you believe that if you get involved with a woman that has been married before and is now divorced that you would be committing adultery?

 

[GabrielMyAngel]

The older you get the harder it gets and there really are no places to "go" to meet people IMO.
I do have one question for you. Do you believe that if you get involved with a woman that has been married before and is now divorced that you would be committing adultery?

As politically incorrect as it may sound, yet scripturally correct, marrying someone after they have been divorced is committing adultury. God hates divorce, and he allows it under certain circumstances, yet never in the bible does it state that it's ok to marry a divorced person. It's one of those things where we have greyed out the lines, where even in the Catholic church, they are marrying and remarrying all due to the circumstance of the divorce.

Now, an annulment as in, days after the marriage it is put to rest, that's the only exception in my book, and even then, given a choice, I'd rather avoid it with a potential spouse.

Now, beyond that, marrying someone that has already been married does come with baggage, where you are compared to their x, and are having to make up for mistakes they did. There is also a bond if there are children, that cannot be broken, between the original couple, and that carries a vast amount of weight, and intimacy that cannot be overridden. The exception being if they are widowed, and clearly, it's not their fault, and the separation is absolute and final., Thus things can much more easily be worked out.

Most marriages end due one or both parties ignoring their original vows. And this is why it's necessary to say them, and commit to them, in a formal and traditional manner. I hear one excuse after another, and almost all cases, it goes back to the vows being broken, and they are entirely ignored as the basis for the divorce. Define, sickness, in all of it's form, and this covers a vast array of things., The same as in poorness, where money is the biggest thing couples fight about.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

what about widows?

 

[GabrielMyAngel]

Paul was pretty clear about it:

For I would that all men were even as I myself.... I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. -- 1 Corinthians 7:7-9

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Paul was pretty clear about it:

For I would that all men were even as I myself.... I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, It is good for them if they abide even as I. But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. -- 1 Corinthians 7:7-9

That's not what I meant, sorry. I meant do YOU feel you would be committing adultery if YOU were to marry a widow? Is it the same for YOU as a divorced woman? I KNOW I am allowed to remarry if God decides to bring someone into my life and I also KNOW the above scripture and Paul actually thinks it would be better if EVERYONE wasn't married because then their whole devotion could be to Christ. But he also did not say the women would be committing adultery if they did remarry as widows.

 

[GabrielMyAngel]

That opens up a can of worms that brings me to a discussion of add on legalism. Absolutely it is not adultery, not because I say so, but because scripture says so. So, no in my heart, and in my reality, that's not at all committing a sin against God for me to marry someone that has lost their spouse in that way.

The thing is, I do want to start and raise a family, getting married for me, for any other reason would be the wrong way to go., It's not ruled out along adoption, but I'm hard wired for this, and sadly, women my age have already had their families, so have no desire, and some are no longer even capable of it.

One of my pet peeves is where people do add on legalism, though shalt not smoke, though shalt not drink, though shalt not have an improper hair cut, car, cloth style, home, family structure, etc. And most, if not all, gravely ignore the real truth to what the rules actually are.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

Well you definitely will have to find someone younger than you if you are set to have kids and raise a family. Have to agree with you there. But my husband was 9 years older than me and already had 3 kids from 2 failed marriages (both of his wives cheated on him) so when we met he said he didn't want any more kids and I said that's fine because I don't want any. Well when I was 33 God had a different plan and hence I have 2 boys that are now teenagers and am VERY thankful to God for them. And of course there's the story of Sarah so....

 

[GabrielMyAngel]

By all means, not faulting people that have children, or families. I've been in two past relationships where that was the case, and both, they didn't want to have any more. It's far easier to be in that situation with someone when the husband is not part of the equation, if it's any consolation. And there are many guys my age that absolutely do not want children. One of the toughest rolls to play is step parent, it's a lot harder then being the maternal one on so many levels. I get people faulting me on this one, not giving me credit for helping to raise someone else s child for 10 years, nor do I ever get to hear about, or from them in my life. It's a lose lose situation when you get involved with someone that has children already for that reason.

 

[scotty81]

i understand what you're saying, as a single man in my early 30's I just don't feel a connection to church. Churches are just full of young couples with kids or old people.

i've never felt unwelcome but I haven't really felt any connection either, they have things like couples retreats that I obviously don't go on and even the married couples do things together because they have children the same age.

most churches have absolutely no support for singles.

I've pretty much given up on dating, I don't want to be single but there is no other choice. The only place you will meet a christian woman is in a church and I'm being honest when I say I know of literally 1 single female christian within a 10 year age gap.

the christian dating pool is ridiculously small, most of society is not christian. I understand the importance of marrying someone who is the same faith as you but it's just not really practical anymore.

I also am not looking for someone who is divorced with kids, that's not something I as a person who's never been married can deal with.

there's also this mistrust of older single men that often they are presumed to be sexual deviants or pedophiles of some sort. single women do not have to suffer through that.

on some level I feel disillusioned for staying true to the Bible and not sleeping around like the rest of the population, it hasn't paid off in any sense. I'm really not interested in what "reward" you get in the nextlife for a life of unwanted singleness

 

[GabrielMyAngel]

scotty,

When I was your age, I caved in and opted to settle in a last ditch effort, and ended up tossing away the standards and norm, that are supposed to be supported by the church, and got together with a gal that already had a marriage and child already. We never got married, but it was a horrible experience, I want that decade of my life BACK~! lol. What a complete and total waste of my life, but hey, as you are saying, what are our options, church and God, or love in this life?

It's no wonder there is a massive void in the age gaps that attend services.

So, here's the dynamic that's happening. Early 20's, everybody does the mad scramble to settle down and start a family, almost always out of fear of not finding a mate and having to spend their lives alone "case in point with too many of us showing testimony here". Stage two, the couple grows up, figures out they aren't compatable, typically early to mid 30's. Divorce insues, and it's cash income for the gal, for 18 years in the form of child support. Both end up playing the wild singles scene for a while, daring not to go back to their roots, and go back to church, due to "their" deviant life style. Both find someone else, opt to get back to their roots, now in a tainted form, with some other spouse that's more comptable, and are welcomed back in, regardless of what they just did, and are technically doing is called adultury.

Single men, in their 30's to 40's, considered to have some family they left behind, it's just a given., and are only at services for the soul purposes of securing a mate.... Thus, forget about ever becoming welcomed at all, sure you may get some surface dialog, but you will never be invited to participate in anything meaningful, because afterall, you must be some deviant.... My deviance consisted of settling, coupled with being the ultimate knight in shining armor, rescusing some gal and her son from a physically and emotionally abusive marriage. My reward, being left in the cold, and enslaved for that time being, facing more tribulation then one can imagine in the aftermath of someone elses mess. Yes, I'm a very bad person, so I'm now paying for my mistake.

My story, what held me back, back then, was two fold. I was painfully shy, especially to the opposite sex, I also had very low self esteem, a gift from my parents....

So, here you are, same age as where I was at, faced with the decision, go for someone of the world, be it, in or out of the church, and you know what I mean there, or starve to death emotionally. If you remain devout, the secular women will always consider you a freak and will want nothing to do with you. "already tried the route of showing who I am, and what I believe, and opted to attempt to start something with someone that needed saving, and sanctification through marriage", that doesn't work, even though it's a noble ideal.

What I really enjoy "sarcasm", is when you bring it to the attention of some church leader, they point you to some .com, and trust me my friend, the type of women you will find in those places are absolutely not what you want, that is, if you can even get the time of day from any of them, no matter how much money you spend on the program....

So, yeah, no wonder there is a void in the age group we are at, being single, and honestly single, not something we chose because we have some past marriage. Even in the dysfunction I faced, I still was geared towards marriage, I never thought it would go that far, and for that long, but I was very naive, I'm not as much any more, and I see these younger generations of guys, totally clueless along how to treat their gals. ... I'm going, if she only knew how far superior I am to their brain dead boyfriends, she'd drop them in a heart beat, there is absolutely no contest what so ever.... yet, coming back to reality,. the age gap is not appropriate nor PC....

In my case, I do have some saving graces, and it has nothing church related that's helping. I've opted to follow a dream of mine, and this is taking things in a more aggressive, and formal manner in the music industry. Apparently trumpet players in this area are super high in demand, especially good ones. I have gotten the word out, as to the band I'm forming, and I'm getting outside bands wanting me to join them desperately. Which means, of course, groupies, and exposure on a far greater scale then I imagined. I literally am in the formation of one band, yet have two paying gigs, one tomorrow eve, the other, the next day.... But this is only going to help me, what about the other poor schmucks in the same boat as I? All I can do, if/when I get to the point, where I'm in some band that's hitting the radio charts, is to send a message that I have higher standards for myself, and I expect any gal that's interested to be the same, and this is mandated, they are to be devout, to God, and to family, otherwise, they don't get the time of day. We need more of us that way, to make a stand to make any real impact, but this is all I can do to contribute and not just ignore what I just went through.

 

[scotty81]

thanks for sharing, and yeah I've thought how much simpler it would to just marry a non-christian female because that's basically the only type of females I seem to come into contact with. But I know ultimately it would be more trouble than it's worth.

as you get older the chances of finding a woman who hasn't been married depreciate rapidly. I don't feel right pursuing christian girls who are single that are college age either, but that is like the only age bracket where they are single.

dealing with the emotional and physical isolation is probably the hardest, todays society is very big on personal space. A handshake a few times is a year is the only type of human contact I get.