In need of advice....

[Kyle King]

I would like to start out in saying how great it is to find a community like this that is willing to help people in their search for answers in the word of God.

This current issue that I am needing advice on is the current state of my marriage.

I was saved in 2008 and was led to Christ by my first wife. Several years and a son later and multiple affairs on her part we divorced and I moved away from God.

In 2012 I started dating a younger woman who was only 19 when I was 26. Everything started out great and we fell in love very quickly and was married a little over a year later. I knew at that time that she struggled with certain parts of her child hood and especially the untimely death of her mother in a car wreck when she was 14.

We started attending church locally and I eventually moved my letter and we were accepted as members. I then took on a second full time job in order to help with bills and we started to slowly drift away from Church.

I have equal responsibility in the destruction of the marriage and even more so because I know that it is my responsibility to lead my family in the Christian manner.

Last January my wife started school and in May I discovered she was have an emotional affair which she ended once I found out. She agreed to counseling but only went 4-5 times then quit. I had to beg her to come to church and she would only come because I kept nagging. She then started working as a waitress at a bar and grill working days then moved to straight nights and we were so apart in our views that I initially said that I give up because of what I felt as a lack of trying on her part and moved out. She did nothing to stop me.

I have recently rededicated my life to God and take my children to church as much as possible and I again feel him working through me.

However, she has recently stated that she feels abandoned by God and that she really does not know him personally though. She has become a person I, nor her family, even recognizes anymore.

She still calls me when she needs something or needs advice but otherwise does not talk to me unless we need to discuss our daughter.

I feel like I don't need to give up on my wife, even though we have signed separation papers, but at the same time how much do I take. I pray all day long for God to enter her heart. Her family, has told me at least, that they are on my side and are telling her she is making a huge mistake.

I guess I am struggling in knowing what is "My heart" and what is "God telling me"

Any perspective is welcome as I am lost as to what to do. Leave her alone and move on or fight for my wife.

 

[Endeavourer]

If you could restore your marriage, would you want to? Or have the affair(s)? destroyed your love for her?

Based on your brief description, it sounds like she is still in an affair, and your moving out enabled the affair to resume (if it ever stopped) and strengthen. Moving out is a serious mistake if you want to save a marriage from an affair. If you do want to save the marriage, how soon could you move back in?

 

[Kyle King]

I moved out approximately 4 weeks ago and right now moving back in is not an option. She is dead set on getting a divorce as of right now. That particular affair ended I do know; however, rumor is she is dating another person who is just separated from his wife as well. Now I personally do not find that a coincidence at all. Though again, something in me tells me not to give up but I am unsure if it is "me" or "God."

Another predicament that I am having is that a Christian woman has started talking to me lately and in very evolved in her church and we have the same values, goals etc. I have known her for a time and it is talking as friends. Though feelings are starting to develop. Am I in Sin by talking to this other woman. My wife and I have signed legal separation papers but in our state we have to wait a year for it to be final because we have a child together.

 

[Kyle King]

I will also add that her family wants me to keep fighting and to "give her time to figure herself out." Shes never had a home life growing up and doesn't really know what traditional family is supposed to be like.

 

[HereIStand]

I would try to reconcile with your wife. Encourage her to attend church, but don't press her. If she doesn't want to attend, then accept that. But try to encourage her in a Christian direction as much as possible.

 

[dysert]

She is dead set on getting a divorce as of right now.

Sounds to me like you could both use counseling - individually. I'll probably end up in the minority here, but I try hard to avoid places where I'm not wanted. Since she's "dead set" on a divorce, and since she's apparently having a hard time staying away from other men, I personally would shake the dust off my shoes and concentrate on my kids. I'm sure they need you more than she does.

 

[Endeavourer]

Another predicament that I am having is that a Christian woman has started talking to me lately and in very evolved in her church and we have the same values, goals etc. I have known her for a time and it is talking as friends. Though feelings are starting to develop. Am I in Sin by talking to this other woman. My wife and I have signed legal separation papers but in our state we have to wait a year for it to be final because we have a child together.

You are doing a huge disservice to your child by starting an affair yourself when you need to be focused on your child's family. This is persuading your thoughts to easily give up when you might otherwise be willing to fight for your child's intact home.

I'd recommend you drop your burgeoning affair faster than a hot potato and investigate as to whether your wife has actually started another affair. If she has, she would appear to be a serial adulterer, and then you and your child might be better off if you proceed with a divorce.

If she has not, then I would certainly give a lot of thought towards putting together a plan to pursue reunification with your wife.

Under ALL circumstances, do not pursue or consider another women until a final divorce.

 

[Kyle King]

If you could restore your marriage, would you want to? Or have the affair(s)? destroyed your love for her?

Yes, I would love to restore my marriage if she would be agreeable to counseling and returning to a Godly life.

Based on your brief description, it sounds like she is still in an affair, and your moving out enabled the affair to resume (if it ever stopped) and strengthen. Moving out is a serious mistake if you want to save a marriage from an affair. If you do want to save the marriage, how soon could you move back in?

 

[Kyle King]

Sounds to me like you could both use counseling - individually. I'll probably end up in the minority here, but I try hard to avoid places where I'm not wanted. Since she's "dead set" on a divorce, and since she's apparently having a hard time staying away from other men, I personally would shake the dust off my shoes and concentrate on my kids. I'm sure they need you more than she does.

It seems that is the case also. Her mother and father would always move from one to the next. She always stated that she never wanted to be like them but now she is heading down a path that is exactly like them.

 

[dysert]

It seems that is the case also. Her mother and father would always move from one to the next. She always stated that she never wanted to be like them but now she is heading down a path that is exactly like them.

The apple rarely falls far from the tree.

 

[Endeavourer]

Yes, I would love to restore my marriage if she would be agreeable to counseling and returning to a Godly life.

OK. This would be the best result for your child - and, if your marriage is restored properly, the both of you can easily be MORE in love with each other than ever before.

It will take a lot of determination and hard work on your part to "rescue" your wife from her addiction to an affair, though, just so you know.

Next step: how long will it take for you to verify whether she has started another affair, or has started to date someone else?

 

[Kyle King]

You are doing a huge disservice to your child by starting an affair yourself when you need to be focused on your child's family. This is persuading your thoughts to easily give up when you might otherwise be willing to fight for your child's intact home.

I'd recommend you drop your burgeoning affair faster than a hot potato and investigate as to whether your wife has actually started another affair. If she has, she would appear to be a serial adulterer, and then you and your child might be better off if you proceed with a divorce.

If she has not, then I would certainly give a lot of thought towards putting together a plan to pursue reunification with your wife.

Under ALL circumstances, do not pursue or consider another women until a final divorce.

I agree. My children are the most important thing in this whole situation and I need to be an example for them, regardless of what their mother does. The "plan" of which you speak is another topic I need help on. If anyone has been there, what could I do to help sway her heart back to Jesus or to our marriage if there is a hope.

 

[Kyle King]

OK. This would be the best result for your child - and, if your marriage is restored properly, the both of you can easily be MORE in love with each other than ever before.

It will take a lot of determination and hard work on your part to "rescue" your wife from her addiction to an affair, though, just so you know.

Next step: how long will it take for you to verify whether she has started another affair, or has started to date someone else?

I have talked to the mans ex wife regarding him and she says he is dating her. I know she has been seen with him on a numerous occasion in a group setting and his truck is always at the restaurant she works at and I have seen them outside smoking together (the smoking is another issue). So have I caught them in the act, no. Am I pretty positive that something is going on, yes.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Another predicament that I am having is that a Christian woman has started talking to me lately and in very evolved in her church and we have the same values, goals etc. I have known her for a time and it is talking as friends. Though feelings are starting to develop. Am I in Sin by talking to this other woman. My wife and I have signed legal separation papers but in our state we have to wait a year for it to be final because we have a child together.

Get away from this other woman- yesterday. Right now you are NO position to be courting another woman for so many reasons. If there's even the slimmest chance you're developing feelings for her, you need to book it out of the building and don't come back.

 

[sdmsanjose]

Your wife has a LOT of baggage and has committed adultery more than once. She is determined to divorce you and you compromising your integrity and respect is not going to win her back….

Jeremiah 3
3 “If a man divorces his wife
and she leaves him and marries another man,
should he return to her again?
Would not the land be completely defiled?


Your wife is forcing the situation into a divorce, you cannot stop her, so you have the responsibility to turn your attention to God, yourself, and your child. Your wife is defiled and you can only change yourself, she is now not your responsibility.

Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging (adultereous?) wife.

 

[Kyle King]

Your wife has a LOT of baggage and has committed adultery more than once. She is determined to divorce you and you compromising your integrity and respect is not going to win her back….

Jeremiah 3
3 “If a man divorces his wife
and she leaves him and marries another man,
should he return to her again?
Would not the land be completely defiled?


Your wife is forcing the situation into a divorce, you cannot stop her, so you have the responsibility to turn your attention to God, yourself, and your child. Your wife is defiled and you can only change yourself, she is now not your responsibility.

Proverbs 21:19
Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging (adultereous?) wife.

I agree with what your saying. However, I could also quote Hosea and his relationship with Gomer. That is why I am confused as to if I should fight or give up.

 

[dysert]

I agree with what your saying. However, I could also quote Hosea and his relationship with Gomer. That is why I am confused as to if I should fight or give up.

Hosea/Gomer was a special case. You can't use it for your general case.

 

[Endeavourer]

I agree with what your saying. However, I could also quote Hosea and his relationship with Gomer. That is why I am confused as to if I should fight or give up.

Hosea had a specific communication from God to pursue his whoring wife. Unless you have had this very specific revelation as well, the example of Hosea is not binding.

The NT offers the opportunity for a righteous divorce upon either adultery or abandonment of an unbelieving spouse. (There are a few other nuances, but I don't want to derail your thread with a theological debate that is not relevant to you.)

You should fight if you want the marriage back. It will be a hard fight and may or may not be successful, but many men have been successful if they follow a strategic plan.

I can get into the details of the plan if you are leaning in that direction. If your wife is a serial adulteress, your future will be one of surveillance, just so you know, if you do decide to pursue her. I'm not so quick to say she's a serial adulteress even though this is the 2nd affair because you left her to pursue her pleasure. This might not have happened if you had stayed together.

 

[RaymondG]

It is strange how we always take the side of the person writing the post and dont consider the side of the other party. The poster is always in the right and the one posted about, in the wrong. I assure you that, had your wife wrote the post most people would say she deserved better and probably should leave.

What might she have posted?:
Hi, I met a guy when i was 19, He was already married once and had a child, but i loved him anyway. I fell fast a hard (like most teenagers) and we got married shortly after. As i grew into adulthood, like most people, my personality changed a little.....He did not like it. He later started working two jobs and we spent almost no time together...just me, alone at home with Our new baby. I found someone who did like the person i was growing into and we started talking. My husband found out and I immediately stopped. But he still grew distant from the new me. Recently he up and left me and our child. He started our family and then left us high and dry. Now I find out that he has already found someone new to talk to and have feelings for.... What should i do?

 

[sdmsanjose]

The biblical story of Hosea and Gomer points out the severe pain of infidelity. There is no sin greater than idolatry and God used the closest thing in human understanding (adultery) to convey the severity of betrayal…God wanted the people of Israel to show how much they were hurting Him.

However, another point in the book of Hosea is God’s unconditional love, grace, and faithfulness to His promises…God is all powerful and the ultimate in love and is able to withstand such betrayal and try and bring his people back to Him. You are human so are you capable of such great unconditional love and grace?


Why did God allow divorce for adultery?