In laws moved in and are negatively affecting my marriage

[LodiMelvin]

Long story short, my in laws ( wife's mom and dad) moved in with us. They have been with us for 2 weeks now. This is hopefully a short term deal but I see now that they are negatively impacting my marriage. My wife appears to be somewhat very subservient to them and I am not okay with this. Prior to them moving in with us I told my wife that under no circumstances will I accept that they impact our dynamic as a married couple. 2 weeks in and this is now broken. her parents take a lot of meds and I recently saw that one of the bottles wasn't properly closed. We have 3 kids under 5. This RX bottle not being closed (it is as noticeably half open) caused me concern. I told my wife to tell her parents about This. She did.they apparently got mad. I overheard my wife tell her sister this. I asked my wife if it was true. She denied it, said she didn't tell her sister this.

What do I do? I feel my wife's respect for me as the man of the house is eroding.

 

[athenken]

Since you are the head of your household you need to set some boundaries. You know what they are and need to communicate them effectively to your in-laws. This may, or may not, be met with resistance. If it does that is just another part of the boundaries you need to set with them. There are certain things you will tolerate and things you will not. If they cannot abide by the boundaries you need to give them an ultimatum. It is really as simple as that.

Of course, what I have said here is rather blunt, but you may be able to find a more diplomatic way of approaching the subject. One thing to consider before having this discussion with them is to consult a leader within your church for guidance as to how you would go about it. Bottom line is you are in charge of maintaining the peace in your home and should confront anything that will attack that peace.

 

[Michie]

Long story short, my in laws ( wife's mom and dad) moved in with us. They have been with us for 2 weeks now. This is hopefully a short term deal but I see now that they are negatively impacting my marriage. My wife appears to be somewhat very subservient to them and I am not okay with this. Prior to them moving in with us I told my wife that under no circumstances will I accept that they impact our dynamic as a married couple. 2 weeks in and this is now broken. her parents take a lot of meds and I recently saw that one of the bottles wasn't properly closed. We have 3 kids under 5. This RX bottle not being closed (it is as noticeably half open) caused me concern. I told my wife to tell her parents about This. She did.they apparently got mad. I overheard my wife tell her sister this. I asked my wife if it was true. She denied it, said she didn't tell her sister this.

What do I do? I feel my wife's respect for me as the man of the house is eroding.

Why did they move in? Is it because of health? Maybe someone should take over the meds. What do you mean your wife is very subservient to her parents? You almost sound threatened by their presence to be honest. Do you like your in-laws? So what’s the whole story?

 

[Paidiske]

You and your wife need to be a team. You can't just tell her what to do, and expect that not to impact your dynamic as a married couple.

I would recommend that you sit down with your wife, share all your concerns, and listen to whatever she might say. Then agree on a way forward together, that works for both of you.

 

[LodiMelvin]

Why did they move in? Is it because of health? Maybe someone should take over the meds. What do you mean your wife is very subservient to her parents? You almost sound threatened by their presence to be honest. Do you like your in-laws? So what’s the whole story?

They are in their 50's, healthy other than HBP. They moved in because they couldn't continue to pay the rent of the room they were renting. Her father has a gambling problem and never really bothered to work hard. I am very respectful of them but they don't seem to like me. Anytime I try to start a conversation they simply repeat what I say and then leave the room. My parents are the complete opposite of them with my wife, engaging and super respectful of her. My parents treat my wife like their daughter. I wish my in laws had the same kind of respect that they do for their other son in laws. Seems that no matter what I do for them it's always never enough. And my wife now started lying to me and doesn't seem to stand up for us..
I don't feel threatened by them, I just don't like that they seem to have so much say in what my wife does in our house and in our marriage.

 

[LodiMelvin]

Why did they move in? Is it because of health? Maybe someone should take over the meds. What do you mean your wife is very subservient to her parents? You almost sound threatened by their presence to be honest. Do you like your in-laws? So what’s the whole story?

By subservient I meant that they treat her like a 10 year old and expect her to be at their feet for every wish and command they have.

 

[Michie]

Oops! Hang on. Brb.

 

[Michie]

They are in their 50's, healthy other than HBP. They moved in because they couldn't continue to pay the rent of the room they were renting. Her father has a gambling problem and never really bothered to work hard. I am very respectful of them but they don't seem to like me. Anytime I try to start a conversation they simply repeat what I say and then leave the room. My parents are the complete opposite of them with my wife, engaging and super respectful of her. My parents treat my wife like their daughter. I wish my in laws had the same kind of respect that they do for their other son in laws. Seems that no matter what I do for them it's always never enough. And my wife now started lying to me and doesn't seem to stand up for us..
I don't feel threatened by them, I just don't like that they seem to have so much say in what my wife does in our house and in our marriage.

I understand. That would be tough. Maybe it’s time your wife and you along with her parents have a talk as a group? You know, your wife of course, loves her parents but not all parents are the same. All I ask is you do not put your wife in a position between you or her parents because she will resent you for it. If she is lying it is because she is walking a tightrope between everyone in the house. Be a source of support and comfort for her. Do not put her in the middle or force her to choose. If you support her, things will go easier on everyone.

 

[Michie]

By subservient I meant that they treat her like a 10 year old and expect her to be at their feet for every wish and command they have.

Well that’s something she is going to have to hit her limit on. Be there to support her and be a neutral sounding board to her and let her work through this without any undue pressure. She will come around as long as she feels she is not being judged by you.

Sounds like a stressful and sad situation. Prayers for all.

 

[Philip_B]

All that @Paidiske says is true. If you think about what is going on, it may help. Families of origin are enormously significant, and it is in them we learn what it means to be a man or a woman, a husband or a wife, and they don't even know that they are teaching us these things. Things you take as a given may be things you absorbed in your family of origin and never gave a second thought to. Your partner may well have a different set of expectations that they have acquired. The challenge is these are things we can often fail to recognise.

Then when you bring a family of origin into the mix of your home, all the small adjustments we have made to accommodate this new family unit are thrown into stark contrast. You will need to find a little patience, and wisdom.

If you have done any transactional analysis, then try to ensure that all the conversations in the house become adult-adult and try to stop parent-child conversations. If you haven't then have a look at this as a short into Transactional analysis - Wikipedia as it can be quite helpful in getting to understand where things might be going wrong.

Patience and Wisdom are tools you will need for the road.

The big book makes a lot of sense where it says Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and clings to his wife, and they become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:24-25)

 

[mama2one]

.

 

[Tolworth John]

As has already been said you need to talk with your wife, to listen to what she says, show her that you do support her and that you are a team.

wish my in laws had the same kind of respect that they do for their other son in laws. Seems that no matter what I do for them it's always never enough. A

Any issues you raise with them.
Follow up your raising any issues by putting it in writing.
" Further to our conversation on ......... About.... Etc etc etc Peter no 1 of 2 copies "
Give them a numbered copy, even post them a copy and keep locked away your copy.

If they pay no attention repeat and add failure to comply will mean they will have to leave.

Anytime I try to start a conversation they simply repeat what I say and then leave the room. M

I've got these quotes in the wrong order, they have another son in law and a daughter.
If they won't be nice pay for them to go to the other.


As I said at the begining you have to be a team with your wife, she has to accept that if her parents are upset or have a complaint they must raise it with you.
She has to be firm on this and with the very real possibility that they will have to leave.

Talk with her, but take charge.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

They are in their 50's, healthy other than HBP. They moved in because they couldn't continue to pay the rent of the room they were renting. Her father has a gambling problem and never really bothered to work hard. I am very respectful of them but they don't seem to like me. Anytime I try to start a conversation they simply repeat what I say and then leave the room. My parents are the complete opposite of them with my wife, engaging and super respectful of her. My parents treat my wife like their daughter. I wish my in laws had the same kind of respect that they do for their other son in laws. Seems that no matter what I do for them it's always never enough. And my wife now started lying to me and doesn't seem to stand up for us..
I don't feel threatened by them, I just don't like that they seem to have so much say in what my wife does in our house and in our marriage.

Oh boy a guy with a gambling problem is a huge red flag. If you are paying the bills this will get old fast. A self inflicted situation is different than if say hard circumstances like loss of job or illness. You need to treat them like a teenager and set budget goals for them to be on their own and work towards the goal of them getting out soon. if not he wont be saving any money for this and this could be a long term situation. You should have talked to them yourself about the medicine and kept your wife out of the middle especially if you want to be the authority of the house. your point about pills and the kids is a serious concern and you could have that conversation nicely and all this would have been avoided if had acted like the man of the house instead of putting this on your wife.

 

[LodiMelvin]

Oh boy a guy with a gambling problem is a huge red flag. If you are paying the bills this will get old fast. A self inflicted situation is different than if say hard circumstances like loss of job or illness. You need to treat them like a teenager and set budget goals for them to be on their own and work towards the goal of them getting out soon. if not he wont be saving any money for this and this could be a long term situation. You should have talked to them yourself about the medicine and kept your wife out of the middle especially if you want to be the authority of the house. your point about pills and the kids is a serious concern and you could have that conversation nicely and all this would have been avoided if had acted like the man of the house instead of putting this on your wife.

Looking back you are correct. I should have brought this up myself. My wife says they are going to setup their bank accounts separately, her dad his own and her mom her own. But, that my wife is going to be on her mom's account. Not sure what to make of this.

 

[Brian Mcnamee]

Looking back you are correct. I should have brought this up myself. My wife says they are going to setup their bank accounts separately, her dad his own and her mom her own. But, that my wife is going to be on her mom's account. Not sure what to make of this.

Hi brother this is a good time for you to review what the Bible defines as love. Make sure your heart and the attitudes that flow from this are consistent with walking in love. I have found some of my biggest mistakes is when my thinking left love and I had justification for being otherwise like you. I did a lot of damage and in hindsight when I choose to walk in love I find I am sowing a harvest that is supernatural as we all reap what we sow. So I was perhaps justified in anger, resentment and in my actions but in reality I was sowing a lot of bad seed. Once I flipped the script my actions, thoughts and attitude transformed and the situations were resolved.

4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.
8 Love never fails.

hear is the definition of wisdom as well and I use this as a test on my attitudes as the wisdom of the world is only two things bitter envy and self seeking..


contrasted to this wisdom form above.

13 Who is wise and understanding among you? Let him show by good conduct that his works are done in the meekness of wisdom. 14 But if you have bitter envy and self-seeking in your hearts, do not boast and lie against the truth. 15 This wisdom does not descend from above, but is earthly, sensual, demonic. 16 For where envy and self-seeking exist, confusion and every evil thing are there. 17 But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. 18 Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace.

 

[NothingIsImpossible]

I'll be very blunt. Set rules. If that doesn't work, kick them out. There is a reason the bible talks about leaving the parents.

We are in sort of the same situation. Except we live with my parents. It's very hard on my wife because of my moms anger issues. It hasn't really affected our marriage until recently. My wife is at wits end and we are going to move out this year. We love my parents but having your parents in the same house often means the parents forget you are adults, not children. Or in your case not only are you adults but its not their house. Clashing is bound to happen. And if its affecting the marriage then something needs to change before the parents destroy the marriage. Even if not on purpose. Trust me.