In-law problems?

[Yitzchak]

I am looking for advice and help with perspective concerning my relationship with my in-laws.

Recently, My wife and I moved back to her home town where her parents live. The first few weeks were very nice as they fell over the Christmas holidays and everyone was visiting ( extended relatives as well) and on their best behavior. However , after the holidays things began to subtly change as expectations mounted on her parents part concerning our choices.
Several issues have surfaced. First, my in-laws have been in the same church for about sixty years and just assumed that my wife and I would attend there also as it was her childhood church and they cannot see any reason for us to not. However, after visting several times, my wife and I both agreed that the church is spiritually dead and what I would call stuck in a dysfunctional rut. There is a lot of politics, traditions, and grudges amongst the very small congregation. Anyway, My wife and I let her parents know that we looking for a different church a few weeks ago. They responded in what has become the pattern on several issues. On the surface, they are very nice and say you two should go wherever the Lord leads you and "we don't feel like you need to go there just because of us". But then it is followed days later with snide remarks like " it seems like the two of you are church tramps and better be careful lest you backslide" or " we don't believe in shopping around for a church out of the yellow pages like we are looking for someplace to eat". or " that church you went to visit last week plays 7-11(seven words sang eleven times, her dads cut at music that isn't hymns) rock music choruses. I guess some people like to have their ears tickled by bringing the world into the church."
This same attitude has come up on several issues. For example, her father has called us several times to see if we are awake early in the morning because he gets up at 5am every day and considers it sinful to sleep in past 7. When we talked to him about it bothering us, he responded by saying it was our business and apologized. However, the snide remarks began a few days later. We driopped by to visit and her mom was there but her dad had gone out. When my wife saw the car gone and asked "where is Dad?" her mom responded "WELL, I guess if you didn't sleep in so late then you would have been here earlier and would know." We had no appointment to visit or any plans with them. It was just an obvious dig about the sleeping in issue.
There are now dozens of similar issues all consisting of small issues and snide comments when we don't follow their traditions or expectations. Things like shopping on sunday, my wife and I needing to lose weight, how we eat, exercise, what we read, watching television and movies, etc.
I have reached a point of frustration and find it unpleasant to visit them now. My wife sees the issues and says that they have changed drastically from years ago when she last lived in her home town and during visits they were on their best behavior so this didn't come up much. She has offered for the two of us to go and confront them together but I am sceptical that that will help much based on past conversations where they just agree and then attack us in small ways later. With so many issues it also feels to me like we are showing up with this huge list of criticisms which is bound to make them defensive.
My analysis of it is that they have been in the same small church for many years and have a very small social circle of all people who agree with them on all these issues. They have gotten spoiled by this environment where their views are never challanged. They are very very nice as long as none of their views are contradicted.
Prayers and advice would be appreaciated at this point.

 

[hisbloodformysins]

Oooooh, let me have their phone number, I'll give them a piece of my mind.... Well, I guess venting your opinion doesn't change ppl. I can kind of relate, I have the same problem with my grandma, not about only church but anything she's being judgemental about. For example I try to keep my weight under control my not eating more food than I need, and to stop eating when I'm full. This really works for me. But when I'm around her she just cannot stand it because she believes differenty. One time I had only eaten half of my sandwich when we all went out to eat, and she had the nerve to tell me that we weren't going anywhere until I finished my food, and she was angry. I told her that if she wanted to eat it, she could help herself, but I was done, and would not eat anymore. She changed her tone about it, but the problem still arises when I'm around her. People like that really irritate me, but anger about it doesn't do any good. I suggest that you stand your ground, and don't let their judgemental remarks cause you to waver. And maybe if it continues, I would confront it- because my anger would build, and I think it's better to confront things at times so people know that you don't appreciate being treated that way. Maybe ask them if it bothers them that you didn't wake up earlier, and if they deny it bring up the remarks that were made. Say "when you said this........ I felt like you were dissaproving, and that you despise it, and those remarks are upsetting" and explain to them that you understand that it's important to them, but that you guys believe differently, and ask them to respect you for what you believe in a way. The problem is, they might be upset because if your not doing it the way they think it needs to be done, you are insulting what they believe strongly in. It's hard for people when other's have dissagreeances. But it's not right for them to do that to you, but all you can do is use wisdom, and confront it, but if it continues, you may need to just pray for them. The bible tells us to bless those who curse you and pray for those that persecute you. God Bless you and good luck.

 

[Cordy]

Hey, I can relate. I come from a very similiar situation (small church and the of never having their views challenged). It is sad how these small things can sometimes completely ruin relationships.

It is hard to know how to handle these issues. When we first realized we had to do something about how my in-laws were treating us, we sought others for advice on a marriage forum (similar to this). We were recommented to read a book called "Toxic In-laws: Loving strategies for Protecting your Marriage" by Susan Forward.

I found it at the library and found it really helped in how my husband and I responded to problems.

 

[selune]

Maybe try turning off your ringer when you head to bed and turning it on when you get up, limit the number of visits if you can, like you didn't live in the same town (as if you were visiting from out of town) and seriously, find a church that is nurturing to you, do not let anyone cow you into believing that you cannot worship the Lord where He leads you. I'm amazed at the attitude about attending a different church, what do they think of others who visit their church? Just my opinion.

 

[karla]

Sounds pretty stressful, but ultimately you need to do what makes you and your wife happy. I had some issues with my mother in law and sister in law when it came to raising our children (drove me insane especially since my sister in law isn't married and doesn't have kids), it got to the point where I was ready to have a blow out fight with them, but instead, with a little bit of tounge biting, I would simply respond with a "thanks for your opinion I'll take it into consideration" and let it go. It took awhile, but they finally got the point and let up a bit. I will be praying for you and your wife.

 

[Yitzchak]

Hey, I can relate. I come from a very similiar situation (small church and the of never having their views challenged). It is sad how these small things can sometimes completely ruin relationships.

It is hard to know how to handle these issues. When we first realized we had to do something about how my in-laws were treating us, we sought others for advice on a marriage forum (similar to this). We were recommented to read a book called "Toxic In-laws: Loving strategies for Protecting your Marriage" by Susan Forward.

I found it at the library and found it really helped in how my husband and I responded to problems.

Gues what? funny thing is my wife and I went to the library earlier and were browsing and came across the book which you mentioned "toxic-in-laws". We will be reading it together over the next few weeks.

 

[Yitzchak]

Maybe try turning off your ringer when you head to bed and turning it on when you get up, limit the number of visits if you can, like you didn't live in the same town (as if you were visiting from out of town) and seriously, find a church that is nurturing to you, do not let anyone cow you into believing that you cannot worship the Lord where He leads you. I'm amazed at the attitude about attending a different church, what do they think of others who visit their church? Just my opinion.

They try to welcome visitors but from what I have seen and heard it is a situation where a person needs to go there for ten years before they really start to "welcome" them into the inner circle. There is an attitude that people must prove themselves faithful first. They tolerate others making church changes but seem to think that whatever church you are born into whther natural birth or spiritual birth, that you stay there until you die or move to another town. They say that in theory there are exceptions if the Lord specifically leads but since we have no direct word from heaven that doesn't qualify in our case. My wife was born into that church as a child.
Anyway, on the surface they say we cna make our own choice but the trouble is that in their minds there is only one right choice and therefore we must have immature or wrong motives for "church hopping" as they call it.

 

[chriso]

You need to be kind but firm with your inlaws. You are the head of your household now and you and your wife need to make the decisions for your family. People have different worship styles and that doesn't make either wrong. I think you need to just pass off their rude comments and do what is best for you and your wife.

 

[peterc]

Wow Yitz,
Our stories are so simular they could be the same. I can not offer any advice since I tended to make things worse. My wife has made the difference, she tells her parents that this is what we will do as a family, you do what u want. We have stayed home, not attended parties etc, but that is the price u pay.
I will say a prayer 4 u