Hello to all here..If you ARE here then I am truly sorry and my heart goes out to each and everyone of you..men and women as I know you have lost a loved partner, friend, confidante, lover and most likely a soul mate...
I have been reading some of the posts and I think it is marvellous that so many others take the time to write words of encouragement and support to those who are grieving here...God bless all of you who have reached out to another who is in a state of mental anguish and pain as a result of the loss of their husband or wife.....
For me, it has been a continuing journey and a constant struggle which started with my husband being suddenly diagnosed in 2006 with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia. After trying to get my head around all that the condition entailed we, my son, daughter and I, were given the news that if my husband was lucky and did not get any infections, he might live for another 6 months. A gamut of emotions was involved..hope was always there but savagely dashed at other times with the doctor's words. We really did not have that much time to try and make sense of it fully as 6 weeks later my husband succombed after an extremely difficult last few days..for him physically, being in so much pain and for us the family, enduring such mental anguish. Is it a sin to say that my daughter and I were actually relieved when he passed as we did not wish to see him in anymore pain (even though he was pumped up with meds) and he looked so peaceful when he left us. I felt guilty for a long time after about this but I remember the last time my husband's eyes met my own and I know he was saying goodbye and that he was ready to go ( he could not talk at this point)..Sheesh..that was so tough!!
I just remember running on automatic mode for the days leading up to his remembrance service and after that I seemed to sink gradually into a deep dark place. At first I chose to be brave and told everyone I was fine..I had to be for my children who were badly missing their dad and were totally traumatised. My daughter 31 at the time chose to go to counselling sessions while I didn't think I needed any. She dropped a telephone number on my table one day "just in case" Gradually I withdrew from everyone..being there with them but mentally not responding to anything they said..almost as a "zombie" This went on for about 6 months after..From many leaflets and articles I have read about grief, all of what I was going through seemed quite "normal" but certainly not normal for me at the time. I remember not wanting to wake up sometimes as the painful memories would just flood into my mind until one morning I woke up to the sound of a bird..This bird outside my window was singing the most beautiful song,,I had never heard this bird before and it sounded so beautiful it made me cry. It was almost as if it was a reminder from God that life DOES go on after death for those here on earth and there are many many beautiful things still left to discover if we open our eyes to them. I was so inspired by what I heard that I wrote a poem about it which led to many other poems being written as a result...I had found something I could put my feelings into via my words and it has been good for me....and very cathartic
After breaking down one day at home I found the piece of paper my daughter had left me with the telephone number on it realising that YES I did need to talk to a professional. The sessions were very good for me and actually brought a few other things to my attention that I had not realised which turned out to be very interesting and helpful for me.
I have been through all the stages, anger being in there also..Never once did I blame God for any of what had happened but believing at first that God still has a plan for me..Unfortunately through the course of time I have allowed myself to drift away from God..I know He is still there with me but I am the one who has wandered away, a bit like the "lost sheep" I have not been in fellowship for some time now with my fellow Christians and have stopped going to church..Some how though I believe I will get back on track but perhaps I need some prayers to help me along with this. I found this site back years ago but checked in and didn't come back..I received a birthday card from the site on 24th August this year and realised I was still considered as a member here so decided to pop back in and have another look..I feel somehow that I am meant to stay for a while so I will and will take advantage of all the wonderful tools here to help myself get back on track for The Lord... I have not really even been praying for a long time so will start with little baby steps again...
In the meantime you all try and have a good day.. I find if I focus more on others rather than myself it helps me and the others lol..Thank you for taking the time to read this if you did..smiles....
I have been reading some of the posts and I think it is marvellous that so many others take the time to write words of encouragement and support to those who are grieving here...God bless all of you who have reached out to another who is in a state of mental anguish and pain as a result of the loss of their husband or wife.....
For me, it has been a continuing journey and a constant struggle which started with my husband being suddenly diagnosed in 2006 with Acute Myeloid Leukaemia. After trying to get my head around all that the condition entailed we, my son, daughter and I, were given the news that if my husband was lucky and did not get any infections, he might live for another 6 months. A gamut of emotions was involved..hope was always there but savagely dashed at other times with the doctor's words. We really did not have that much time to try and make sense of it fully as 6 weeks later my husband succombed after an extremely difficult last few days..for him physically, being in so much pain and for us the family, enduring such mental anguish. Is it a sin to say that my daughter and I were actually relieved when he passed as we did not wish to see him in anymore pain (even though he was pumped up with meds) and he looked so peaceful when he left us. I felt guilty for a long time after about this but I remember the last time my husband's eyes met my own and I know he was saying goodbye and that he was ready to go ( he could not talk at this point)..Sheesh..that was so tough!!
I just remember running on automatic mode for the days leading up to his remembrance service and after that I seemed to sink gradually into a deep dark place. At first I chose to be brave and told everyone I was fine..I had to be for my children who were badly missing their dad and were totally traumatised. My daughter 31 at the time chose to go to counselling sessions while I didn't think I needed any. She dropped a telephone number on my table one day "just in case" Gradually I withdrew from everyone..being there with them but mentally not responding to anything they said..almost as a "zombie" This went on for about 6 months after..From many leaflets and articles I have read about grief, all of what I was going through seemed quite "normal" but certainly not normal for me at the time. I remember not wanting to wake up sometimes as the painful memories would just flood into my mind until one morning I woke up to the sound of a bird..This bird outside my window was singing the most beautiful song,,I had never heard this bird before and it sounded so beautiful it made me cry. It was almost as if it was a reminder from God that life DOES go on after death for those here on earth and there are many many beautiful things still left to discover if we open our eyes to them. I was so inspired by what I heard that I wrote a poem about it which led to many other poems being written as a result...I had found something I could put my feelings into via my words and it has been good for me....and very cathartic
After breaking down one day at home I found the piece of paper my daughter had left me with the telephone number on it realising that YES I did need to talk to a professional. The sessions were very good for me and actually brought a few other things to my attention that I had not realised which turned out to be very interesting and helpful for me.
I have been through all the stages, anger being in there also..Never once did I blame God for any of what had happened but believing at first that God still has a plan for me..Unfortunately through the course of time I have allowed myself to drift away from God..I know He is still there with me but I am the one who has wandered away, a bit like the "lost sheep" I have not been in fellowship for some time now with my fellow Christians and have stopped going to church..Some how though I believe I will get back on track but perhaps I need some prayers to help me along with this. I found this site back years ago but checked in and didn't come back..I received a birthday card from the site on 24th August this year and realised I was still considered as a member here so decided to pop back in and have another look..I feel somehow that I am meant to stay for a while so I will and will take advantage of all the wonderful tools here to help myself get back on track for The Lord... I have not really even been praying for a long time so will start with little baby steps again...
In the meantime you all try and have a good day.. I find if I focus more on others rather than myself it helps me and the others lol..Thank you for taking the time to read this if you did..smiles.... 
