Impossible To Trust God!

[RachelZ]

Even writing the title makes me feel afraid of God's reaction but as I sit here I just feel it's impossible for me to ever be able to trust God's mercy, love, patience and tolerence in respect to me and even with regard to others which is why I find it hard to really encourage people on here...cos I doubt my words of comfort if I say stuff like "It's just the OCD" or "God knows you're ill and wont judge you for it!" I think I must deep down believe that God really would judge me and not take into consideration my human frailty...I feel there are no excuses for me before Him and sometimes feel that He despises me. People on here though suffering themselves offer such amazing comfort to others through their faith in a God of Love...I don't think I have that faith. It is sad and scary but most of my relationship with God if you can call it such is based on fear and anxiety. I don't believe He will make allowances for me and say "Oh well she had OCD"...my lack of rightness or faith will determine His judgement on me.

Sorry to come crashing in with such a negative post...I miss being here...it feels like a coming home type of feeling being here...thanks for listening...take care, Rachel

PS Hope I haven't made anyone feel worse.

PPS Maybe I should have said It Feels like it's impossbile for me to trust God in the title...Grrrrr can't even write a title without worrying I've been dishonest!!!!!!

 

[kaykay9.0]

I don't have much time to respond here before I have to leave, but again I just ask you to go and open your Bible, Rachel, to Psalm 103 and meditate on who God says He is here. If I'm not mistaken, this is the psalm that talks about God knowing that we are dust, having pity on us like a father does his children etc.... It has a lot of good scriptures in it. There are other scriptures that speak of his mercy too, but there are a lot of them packed in this one Psalm if you can just read it and really think about what it's saying about who God is and what He is like.

 

[RachelZ]

Thanks KayKay...will do. Think I read it at your suggestion before...but will go do so again...take care, and thanks for taking the time to reply when you're needing to get out...Rachel

 

[RoseyK]

Hi Rachel God does love you just as you are. To Him you are special. I know with me, I feel like God always shakes his head, and says, Rose always has to learn things the hard way...I know deep down He really doesn't think that way....it is me and my feelings.

Just take one day at a time. One of my favorite verses is Jeremiah 29:11.

For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

 

[kaykay9.0]

Thanks KayKay...will do. Think I read it at your suggestion before...but will go do so again...take care, and thanks for taking the time to reply when you're needing to get out...Rachel

Ok, I'm home.

Are you telling me I'm repeating myself here?

Yes, I know I have made this suggestion before. The thing is this~God describes himself in his Word as longsuffering, slow to anger, compassionate.....I think that you, like me, accept the Bible as the Word of God. So at some point, we have to read what the Bible says and bow to the truth of the Word. I know with OCD, that's easier said than done and I do think OCD affects how most people view God. Believe me when I tell you that I don't have the "warm, fuzzy" image of God that my non-OCD husband has! But again, the more I really study the Word, the more I get an accurate picture of how God describes Himself ... even in the Old Testament.

I'm praying for you that you get a revelation of God's love. I'm reminded of one time some years ago that I was having panic attacks at night. I would get claustrophobic and have to go out driving in my car. It got so bad I was even sleeping a few hours out in my car cuz it made me feel panicked to go in the house. My husband didn't even know I was doing this at first. Right there I should have sought some psychiatric help but I was too embarassed to go to my family dr and tell him I needed a psych referral cause I had obviously gone mad!!!! (Our insurance at that time required a referral from your primary physician to see a specialist.) That was stupid and I would do it in a New York minute now...(American expression for "really quick")but that was then. Well, to make a long story short...which I'm already too late for I told God that I really thought I'd be ok if He would just tell me He loved me. Shortly thereafter, at church on a Wednesday night our elders were praying for people and one of them said to me, something like this, "Paula, God loves you. God loves you more than you can ever imagine. He has things that are just between you and Him." And I think he said some other things that I can't specifically remember but it was all along the line of how much God loved me. This man had no idea about me or my life or that I was going through anything. I really believed God was speaking to me through him and from that time on, I improved and ceased to have the night time panic attacks. I don't know if this story helps at all, but I felt I should share it.

 

[Jayangel81]

What you need to do is learn about God's Character. This is vital in our relationship with Him. I have always been the type to badger and berate myself in front of Him.

While my OCD days were bad and I had nothing but fear instilled inside of me and my view of God, what happened was it deep rooted inside my heart so that is how I acknowledged God and His Character.

I am struggling with things in my walk with Him and at times I simply cannot accept them as part of me, now what this does is it alters the way I view how God accepts me and my struggles.

Well...While I know God isn't the most happiest about some of the positions I am in in my walk with Him, reguardless of my struggles and human frailty, what He did was pound away at me about with heavy convictions and reasoning(God likes to reason with me when I am irrational lol) that He ACCEPTS me IN my struggles and that I need to be patient with Him on fixing them. (I have a habit of fixing my flesh BY my flesh, yea, don't work)

What everyone needs to understand, is that God know our struggles.

Rachel you need to stop beating yourself up, this does NOT bring forth fruit or a healthy relationship with God or anyone.

And God is not the one who despises you. If you walk with your head down in shame and beating yourself up for things that happen, you will never feel the true joy of the Lord that He is desperatly waiting to give you.

You say it is impossible to trust in Him, well that is because your view of Him in whole and toward you are distorted and very very off.

 

[pjspara]

i just know its better to have one drop of faith in the right thing than a whole bucket in the wrong thing... i think you are more normal than you think.... we are all on this journey and have doubts , and fears,, i often must CHOOSE to believe even when my mind is telling me not to have a ny faith... its a process..and i believe with my whole heart that you are safe in the FATHERS arms...

if we are to come to him as children,,,,welll... kids doubt and fear and all those things.... sooo, maybe we are on the right track....

i think ocd keeps us seeking and searching which keeps us from becoming stale in our walk....soo.. even tho i wish i didnt have it... in a way its brought me closer to GOD....

 

[SoldierOfSoul]

Even writing the title makes me feel afraid of God's reaction but as I sit here I just feel it's impossible for me to ever be able to trust God's mercy, love, patience and tolerence in respect to me and even with regard to others which is why I find it hard to really encourage people on here...cos I doubt my words of comfort if I say stuff like "It's just the OCD" or "God knows you're ill and wont judge you for it!" I think I must deep down believe that God really would judge me and not take into consideration my human frailty...I feel there are no excuses for me before Him and sometimes feel that He despises me. People on here though suffering themselves offer such amazing comfort to others through their faith in a God of Love...I don't think I have that faith. It is sad and scary but most of my relationship with God if you can call it such is based on fear and anxiety. I don't believe He will make allowances for me and say "Oh well she had OCD"...my lack of rightness or faith will determine His judgement on me.

Sorry to come crashing in with such a negative post...I miss being here...it feels like a coming home type of feeling being here...thanks for listening...take care, Rachel

PS Hope I haven't made anyone feel worse.

PPS Maybe I should have said It Feels like it's impossbile for me to trust God in the title...Grrrrr can't even write a title without worrying I've been dishonest!!!!!!

I understand where your coming from, I've been their many a time, but God does love us, even if we can't feel His love, He still does. I have OCD and I hate it, it is hard for me to even pray without having to go through a ritual, but I still know God loved me enough to die for me. So really when I think about it, my problems are really insignificant compared to dying for the sins of the world...but I'm sure you know that. I think the point I'm trying to get across is we must live by faith and not by are changing feelings, we know God loves us because He said He does in His Book and we must stand and trust in that. It was hard for me to come to that conclusion, but it is very true. We must live by FAITH!

God bless you!

 

[RachelZ]

Hey Everyone, thanks for your replies...they are very much appreciated and valued!

Thanks for your reply Rosey...I'm sorry you too struggle in this area. I think where I get stuck a lot of the time is that deep down I don't feel I DO know this is all my feelings. I have a horrible sense that what I fear about God is real. In fact the deeper I go I think the more the anxiety flairs up.

Hey KayKay...really wasn't accusing you of repeating yourself...continuity of advice is a good thing. I did read the psalm and it is a good one. Thank you for sharing your experience with me...I'm so glad you felt God comforted you with the reality of His love for you. It's sounds like you went through a horrible time! I think I have asked God many times to show me things and he hasn't...in fact I do a lot of fleece laying both one way and the other to no avail. I do believe the bible is God's word...I just fear that I could be in denial about God if I believe in Him as someone other than I fear Him to be. Sorry I think that was a very poorly put together sentence!! Hope you get what I mean. I sometimes don't find it easy to be defininte about how I feel and worry about lying or leading people to believe something that isn't true but I think I can feel the fear in my arms...that's where I tend to feel it a lot...it's a sensation that's hard to describe. It used to be my stomach I think but it nows seems to concentrate in my arms. Fear and anxiety seem to course through my arms and some thoughts seem to make me almost go woozy with the very idea of them. Believing what all you guys are telling me...that God loves me and isn't looking down fiercely on me and determining to live believing that is one of those types of thoughts. It's funny cos that's a nice thought and yet I can get similar feelings when I have bad ROCD type thoughts. Thanks for your prayers...I will pray the same too...and who knows.....

Hey JayAngel...good to see you around. I would love to believe that my inability to trust that God is OK with me is because of distorted perceptions but I just think it's too risky to live as if that is true just in case it isn't. I would totally agree with you that how I am doesn't bring forth fruit or lead to healthy relationships with God or others. Thanks for your reply...I would love to think you're right and I'm way off on all this...hope you're doing OK!

Thanks for your post PJ...I only wish I was as certain as you that I am safe in God's arms...I feel He wouldn't really want me there let alone want me to feel safe in the position I am in. I feel He want's me to know and realise stuff and repent and turn around to a more sober and for me crushing or squashing form of Christianity.

Thanks SoldierOf Soul...I'm sorry you understand all too well where I'm coming from but I appreciate those who understand saying so...I agree about living by faith...I just don't know what I'm to have faith in...the kind of Christianity I was rooted in or the kind I now experience? Believe me they are very different or so it seems to me. One has a God almost too terrifying to comprehend...the other has a God who dotes on me whilst at the same time not willing to compromise on His holiness. Thanks again.

Thanks all of you...I'm so confused about all this. I so appreciate you guys here and long to share your convictions about God's character. I struggle even to respond to some things in posts in case I'm affirming attitudes about God that are nice but wrong or conclusions about OCD that aren't real...that may sound arrogant but it is fear that holds me back not arrogance. It's the great "What if?" I don't know how to get through this...anymore than I know how to beat the ROCD or the scrupulosity or other ways that my obsessive compulsive nature affects me...see I can't even say OCD in case it's not...Take care and hope and pray you all have a great weekend...Rachel

 

[Jayangel81]

Hey JayAngel...good to see you around. I would love to believe that my inability to trust that God is OK with me is because of distorted perceptions but I just think it's too risky to live as if that is true just in case it isn't.

Perhaps it is time to read in His Word how He thinks of you. It is tragic to you and Him if you are not willing top open yourself up to it.

 

[RachelZ]

Hi Jayangel, sorry for tardy reply...I agree that it's tragic if I can't get the guts up to resolve this. I know what the bible says regarding positive statements to do with how God views us...but I also see a lot of conditions for acceptance and negative stuff too and feel I fall into the category of people God is not pleased with. I feel that to try and rest in God's positive affirmations is to kid myself that I am right in His sight.

Sorry, not meaning to be difficult...hope you're doing well.

I just feel like I can't take the risk that God is not making me feel like this because I should feel convicted and rotten. I'm terrified that if I see God as merciful and kind to me then I will be in danger almost of believing a different gospel to the one that is true. That may sound crazy but I feel so petrified that God is really angry with me and is not how He often gets portraid...eg safe to approach.

Thanks for listening...take care, Rachel

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hi Rachel, I don't have much to add but a few things popped out.

The first is that the conditions laid out in the Bible for salvation and ultimately entering eternal life in heaven do not say anything about how viewing God or having a perception of God one way or the other affects our salvation. For example, John 3:16 doesn't say "I am the way, the truth and the life; as long as you fear me and your perception of me is an angry God, then you will be saved." No. In fact, the only condition for salvation is accepting Christ as our Savior. I suggest Luke 10:25-28, John 3:14-16, John 5:24, John 6:40... and so on. So, in light of what the Bible says about the condition of our salvation, there is no relationship between how we THINK God views us and our salvation.

Secondly, OCD is not a sin. I say this because some of your comments sound like you think God will hold your OCD against you or will not look past the OCD. This to me suggests that you think that OCD is something sinful or something that needs forgiving. The only thing that God does not excuse is sin, and OCD is not a sin. It is like saying that God won't look past a mentally handicapped person's hardships because they are handicapped. If we said something like that, we'd be like "well that's absurd, being handicapped isn't a sin." I believe OCD is the same way. It's not a sin, it does not need excuses, forgiveness or any looking over... but it does need understanding. Does God not understand the handicapped person? Does God not understand our OCD as well?

Again, I keep coming back to the condition of our hearts. It is obvious you desire to believe, trust and serve God. Not out of fear, but because of genuine desire. God does not turn away those truly wishing to serve him.

 

[seajoy]

Hi Rachel, I don't have much to add but a few things popped out.

The first is that the conditions laid out in the Bible for salvation and ultimately entering eternal life in heaven do not say anything about how viewing God or having a perception of God one way or the other affects our salvation. For example, John 3:16 doesn't say "I am the way, the truth and the life; as long as you fear me and your perception of me is an angry God, then you will be saved." No. In fact, the only condition for salvation is accepting Christ as our Savior. I suggest Luke 10:25-28, John 3:14-16, John 5:24, John 6:40... and so on. So, in light of what the Bible says about the condition of our salvation, there is no relationship between how we THINK God views us and our salvation.

Secondly, OCD is not a sin. I say this because some of your comments sound like you think God will hold your OCD against you or will not look past the OCD. This to me suggests that you think that OCD is something sinful or something that needs forgiving. The only thing that God does not excuse is sin, and OCD is not a sin. It is like saying that God won't look past a mentally handicapped person's hardships because they are handicapped. If we said something like that, we'd be like "well that's absurd, being handicapped isn't a sin." I believe OCD is the same way. It's not a sin, it does not need excuses, forgiveness or any looking over... but it does need understanding. Does God not understand the handicapped person? Does God not understand our OCD as well?

Again, I keep coming back to the condition of our hearts. It is obvious you desire to believe, trust and serve God. Not out of fear, but because of genuine desire. God does not turn away those truly wishing to serve him.

Excellent post, Sad!

 

[RachelZ]

Hey ObsessedButBlessed, thanks for your input. I agree that God doesn't save us because of our perception of him, but I do think that if God is convicting you about something then it is very unwise to do the opposite of what He wants. Does that make sense? To have a relationship with someone you need to know what that person is like...I'm very confused about what God is like so don't know how to relate to Him. I also agree that OCD is not a sin...but - and I know this is gonna sound so predictable,- if it's not OCD then it MIGHT be a sin. I'm struggling with the ROCD and the God OCD and on neither one do I feel convinced is OCD.

Thanks again and hope you're doing well...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Hey ObsessedButBlessed, thanks for your input. I agree that God doesn't save us because of our perception of him, but I do think that if God is convicting you about something then it is very unwise to do the opposite of what He wants. Does that make sense? To have a relationship with someone you need to know what that person is like...I'm very confused about what God is like so don't know how to relate to Him. I also agree that OCD is not a sin...but - and I know this is gonna sound so predictable,- if it's not OCD then it MIGHT be a sin. I'm struggling with the ROCD and the God OCD and on neither one do I feel convinced is OCD.

Thanks again and hope you're doing well...take care, Rachel

Ok, I'm like those athletes that come in and out of retirement! Well, I AM still subscribed to THIS thread too!

RachelZ, that's kinda the essence of OCD. You don't deny that you do struggle with OCD, do you? Because takes one to know one, and I think it's pretty plain that you do. So at the very least, I think you should consider that your feelings about your marriage and about God could at least be distorted by the OCD.

 

[ObsessedButBlessed]

Hey ObsessedButBlessed, thanks for your input. I agree that God doesn't save us because of our perception of him, but I do think that if God is convicting you about something then it is very unwise to do the opposite of what He wants. Does that make sense? To have a relationship with someone you need to know what that person is like...I'm very confused about what God is like so don't know how to relate to Him. I also agree that OCD is not a sin...but - and I know this is gonna sound so predictable,- if it's not OCD then it MIGHT be a sin. I'm struggling with the ROCD and the God OCD and on neither one do I feel convinced is OCD.

Thanks again and hope you're doing well...take care, Rachel

Oh I agree with what you're saying - it is definitely unwise to ignore conviction. The problem with OCD is that our feelings can convict us even when nothing's wrong. I believe I have posted once about how our feelings can wrongly convict us. Paul, I think, wrote about this in the Epistles. I'll have to dig it up.

I do think that ya gotta eventually understand God's nature and character, but again this is totally related to OCD. For example, I have talked with folks, and even dealt with myself, obsessions about spouses cheating on you. I mean, when the OCD-driving feeling is there, it's hard to convince yourself that your spouse is really faithful. And the evidence mounts and mounts ("coincidences" is what they're called in reality) and before you know it, you're absolutely convinced your spouse is cheating on you and planning on leaving you for another woman! When OCD distorts how we view people - and God - we see them in different lights. Your spouse can be the most loving and trustworthy person in the world (mine surely is!), but OCD can convince you that they are dirty, lying scum!

So, as kaykay suggested, there is certainly the possibility here that the way you see God and your relationship is attributed to OCD. But you knew that already!!!

 

[RachelZ]

Hey KayKay...I aint complaining...you can come in and out like the hokey-kokey if you want to...you've a heart of gold!! Thanks so much for responding! I guess you're right...well I don't guess it's one of those things I'm almost kinda certain on that yes I can't deny I do have OCD...it's too obvious from stuff I do. Actually it does help that you recognise it in me...I trust other's judgements far more than my own! I gues though I think that maybe withthe things that don't matter so much then yes those are easily attributable to OCDishness but I worry that although I have OCD and it may colour issues such as God and my relationship that behind that colouring is still a major problem or six. BTW...please don't feel you have to reply to that...I respect your retirement!!!!

Hey ObsessedButBlessed...thanks for your reply...I guess I don't know the way to tell what is conviction and what is anxiety. I would love to feel I really knew and understood God's character and nature but when I think about Him what arises is fear and apprehension. As a complete aside I managed to spike in the car this morning and do you know what set it off? My husband commented about something a cyclist did but in a nice way...how can I spike on something nice? LOL...it would have been funny if it hadn't made me feel a bit like someone in shock later on!

Anyway, thanks to you both and sorry it took a while to reply...take care, Rachel

 

[kaykay9.0]

Are you saying that if your husband exhibits any flaw in character that it causes you to spike about your marriage?
(Again I AM subscribed to this thread!)

 

[RachelZ]

Oh gosh yes...hit the nail on the head...though this morning I managed to spike when he did something nice - I think it was a confirmation that the times he does something I freak out about are real and not just OCD if that makes sense. Imagine looking at something under a huge microscope...well that's what I do with him. It can be anything from something which may well be not the nicest thing he could do right through to a nuance of tone! It's horrible...really, really horrible...I feel bad about the God stuff but nothing causes more hideous feelings than the relationship stuff! Which is bad cos God should matter more! Thanks for understanding! Hugs, Rachel

 

[RachelZ]

I can't describe the absolute spine chilling terror this causes...