I'm twelve years older than her

[seeker2122]

The girl that I have come to believe the LORD was opening my heart to (which is the reason why I am so
drawn to her) I just found out is 12 years younger than me. I'm in 40s she's in her 30s. I know that 12 years
age difference is not unheard of and in fact, it's quite reasonable still and within range. There are way bigger
age gaps than 12 years in the Bible and in current human age, but for some reason I felt so discouraged in my
heart when I found out she was 12 years younger than me. I was hoping we'd only be about 6 to 8 years at most.
Now I have doubts and I don't know anymore if my mind was just playing tricks on me or if the LORD really was
leading me to her and her to me....but will she accept me being 12 years her senior? I feel discouraged and I am
lacking faith now. I don't believe she will accept me for 12 years age gap might be too big for her and the type of
person that she is.

 

[JohnC101]

It might be a good idea to talk to a pastor about the issue, see if they're able to help you make a decision about this. Regardless of what decision you make, may God bless all of your endeavors!

 

[Paidiske]

The age gap itself is not necessarily the issue. However, if your life stages (and what you want out of them) are a mismatch, that's where it could become an issue. For example, if you want babies tomorrow because you don't want to be too old as a parent, but she doesn't feel ready yet.

These are things you can explore as you talk about what you want out of life, your hopes, goals, dreams, plans, and so on, and explore whether they are compatible or if you're on quite different paths.

 

[tturt]

Tend to "what if" a lot myself.

Could be misunderstanding but seems decisions are being made without her input.

 

[Bobber]

The girl that I have come to believe the LORD was opening my heart to (which is the reason why I am so
drawn to her) I just found out is 12 years younger than me. I'm in 40s she's in her 30s. I know that 12 years
age difference is not unheard of and in fact, it's quite reasonable still and within range. There are way bigger
age gaps than 12 years in the Bible and in current human age, but for some reason I felt so discouraged in my
heart when I found out she was 12 years younger than me. I was hoping we'd only be about 6 to 8 years at most.
Now I have doubts and I don't know anymore if my mind was just playing tricks on me or if the LORD really was
leading me to her and her to me....but will she accept me being 12 years her senior? I feel discouraged and I am
lacking faith now. I don't believe she will accept me for 12 years age gap might be too big for her and the type of
person that she is.

I've known people who have had bigger age difference then 12 years and they've had a great marriage I mean for many, many years until the one of them died.

I've known the other too. Big age difference and it didn't really matter in their early years but you get up into your late 60's and 70's yeah the one of them just doesn't seem to want to be active in the social life as much as the other or in other words one is wanting to slow down the other still has a lot of get up and go. It can go either way.

 

[seeker2122]

Also, the Bible doesn't mention much about age gap differences. Ages are hardly even mentioned at all except in the case of Abraham and Sarah, about 10 year age gap. The only other age gap that was mentioned was Boaz and Ruth. Boaz is believed to have been much older than Ruth but we don't specifically know the age gap.

While age difference does have some importance to play, ultimately, nothing trumps God's will. If God wills two to become one, then we shouldn't have to nit-pick all the details like: raising children, finances, social issues, family acceptance, physical health, life stage, personal goals, etc. I feel as if though we say to Jesus, "You are my LORD! and I surrender all!" but then when it comes to choosing who you want to date or marry, we completely go 100% on our own by analyzing our own checklist of personal preferences instead of listening to what God says and he may be ordaining it, but we got so much of our own checklist to refer to AHEAD of God's own will.

 

[Paidiske]

While age difference does have some importance to play, ultimately, nothing trumps God's will. If God wills two to become one, then we shouldn't have to nit-pick all the details like: raising children, finances, social issues, family acceptance, physical health, life stage, personal goals, etc. I feel as if though we say to Jesus, "You are my LORD! and I surrender all!" but then when it comes to choosing who you want to date or marry, we completely go 100% on our own by analyzing our own checklist of personal preferences instead of listening to what God says and he may be ordaining it, but we got so much of our own checklist to refer to AHEAD of God's own will.

There may be some truth to this. But, in my experience, God seldom selects one and only one person whom God thinks we must marry.

I'm not saying we should turn personal preferences into an idol, but it would be very unwise to get married having not discussed and worked through the details. That's a recipe for bigger problems down the track.

 

[Soyeong]

The girl that I have come to believe the LORD was opening my heart to (which is the reason why I am so
drawn to her) I just found out is 12 years younger than me. I'm in 40s she's in her 30s. I know that 12 years
age difference is not unheard of and in fact, it's quite reasonable still and within range. There are way bigger
age gaps than 12 years in the Bible and in current human age, but for some reason I felt so discouraged in my
heart when I found out she was 12 years younger than me. I was hoping we'd only be about 6 to 8 years at most.
Now I have doubts and I don't know anymore if my mind was just playing tricks on me or if the LORD really was
leading me to her and her to me....but will she accept me being 12 years her senior? I feel discouraged and I am
lacking faith now. I don't believe she will accept me for 12 years age gap might be too big for her and the type of
person that she is.

Talk with her to see how she feels about the age gap. I know of a number of couples with age gaps who have had good relationships. Sadly, one of those couples had the older person die recently, so an age gap can have problems with reaching the end of life at different times. I recently talked with some people who had an age gap of around 20 years. It’s not something that I would recommend in general because there can be a lot a generational differences, so it can be especially important for them to focus on personally getting to know each other really well without their judgment being clouded by romantic feelings. However, even people with large age gaps can be strongly on the same wavelength with similar interests and wanting the same things out of life, so it can still work.

 

[seashale76]

The girl that I have come to believe the LORD was opening my heart to (which is the reason why I am so
drawn to her) I just found out is 12 years younger than me. I'm in 40s she's in her 30s. I know that 12 years
age difference is not unheard of and in fact, it's quite reasonable still and within range. There are way bigger
age gaps than 12 years in the Bible and in current human age, but for some reason I felt so discouraged in my
heart when I found out she was 12 years younger than me. I was hoping we'd only be about 6 to 8 years at most.
Now I have doubts and I don't know anymore if my mind was just playing tricks on me or if the LORD really was
leading me to her and her to me....but will she accept me being 12 years her senior? I feel discouraged and I am
lacking faith now. I don't believe she will accept me for 12 years age gap might be too big for her and the type of
person that she is.

She's in her thirties. It would be a different kettle of fish if she had just turned 18 or was in her early twenties. However, you've both been full grown adults with life experience for a while now. This is a discussion you'd need to have with her. It's not like she's young and naive at this point.

 

[seeker2122]

There may be some truth to this. But, in my experience, God seldom selects one and only one person whom God thinks we must marry.

I'm not saying we should turn personal preferences into an idol, but it would be very unwise to get married having not discussed and worked through the details. That's a recipe for bigger problems down the track.

This opens a bigger can of worms. I also don't believe God often selects 2 specific people to get married and nobody else. It's more likely that God selects a number of eligible candidates for you and within that range, you get to sort of use your free will choice to pick. But even if that is also the case, one wouldn't still need to spend much emphasis on all the details because if God has ordained it, then both parties should trust in the LORD and know while no marriage will be without it's difficulties and challenges, everything God has joined, we can know that it's going to work out as long as we focus on God more than anything else like finances, health, life goals, etc.

I think about Joseph and Mary story....... Joseph was doing what I was saying.....thinking realistically about all the possible issues etc and then wanted to quietly divorce her. But God sent an Angel to tell him, take her home as your wife. So Joseph did and the rest was history.

I feel like once God tells you, we don't need to wrestle with all these other issues like age difference, finances, similar life goals, health, etc. I feel like I can just trust God once he opens my heart and tells me ....yes, you may marry her (or vice versa...God tells her yes go ahead and marry him).

 

[seeker2122]

do you have the energy to keep up with her?
I remember when husband & I were in our 20s and 30s & we were quite busy working, volunteering, traveling, etc
also, if she wants children, she probably wouldn't want to wait too long as it will be more difficult to conceive
I see having children as the biggest thing to sort through.....will you have enough energy in your forties to be a parent to babies?

these are all valid questions but ultimately I don't seek to answer questions like this more than I seek to God's answer. If God says yes, I will trust and go. If God says no, then I will move along and stop wasting my time lol.

I just want God to guide me. I don't want to worry about the details because ultimately they matter less than what God says.

I think questions like this are valid questions that even Abraham and Sarah asked lol. They were old. They must've wondered gee....will I be able to raise children at my age? Will I be able to play goat racing with my son at age 100? Ultimately, they must've had all the same kind of questions but as long as God promised something or says something, you just obey and God decides everything else......how long you live and when you die. God decides.

 

[Paidiske]

This opens a bigger can of worms. I also don't believe God often selects 2 specific people to get married and nobody else. It's more likely that God selects a number of eligible candidates for you and within that range, you get to sort of use your free will choice to pick. But even if that is also the case, one wouldn't still need to spend much emphasis on all the details because if God has ordained it, then both parties should trust in the LORD and know while no marriage will be without it's difficulties and challenges, everything God has joined, we can know that it's going to work out as long as we focus on God more than anything else like finances, health, life goals, etc.

I think about Joseph and Mary story....... Joseph was doing what I was saying.....thinking realistically about all the possible issues etc and then wanted to quietly divorce her. But God sent an Angel to tell him, take her home as your wife. So Joseph did and the rest was history.

I feel like once God tells you, we don't need to wrestle with all these other issues like age difference, finances, similar life goals, health, etc. I feel like I can just trust God once he opens my heart and tells me ....yes, you may marry her (or vice versa...God tells her yes go ahead and marry him).

Well, Joseph was technically already legally bound to Mary. So there was that.

Honestly, I don't agree that once you feel God says "you may" marry someone, that nothing else matters. I've helped too many people pick up the pieces after broken marriages. I would strongly urge everyone to discern carefully, to be quite ready to walk away before a marriage if there are good reasons to do so, and do the foundational work to give it a solid base. Trust in God is one thing, but it doesn't remove our part in being prudent.

 

[LW97Nils]

Hello brother. Biblically, there is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Lost4words]

I have been out with some very old dogs in my time! Woof!

 

[seeker2122]

I'm guessing back then, everyone helped each other out.....takes a village
not like that today! I went around our neighborhood asking neighbors for help finding a babysitter.....not one Christian woman was willing to share their babysitter info with me, not one
my husband traveled out of country for work up to 3 weeks at a time & no one would help me!
I asked sister for one hour of help & got "no"
fortunately, I held up but went w/o a lot of sleep!

Wow! Babysitter info/contacts is that top secret??? Hmm...I wonder if this is a niche market I should get into?! I've always been great with kids my entire life and babysitting sounds like something I'd be good at! I'm sure it's hard work too but sounds like something that would suit me well. But I don't think people prefer a male babysitter who is over 40 (think of me as Patch Adams or James Barrie of Peter Pan, movie Neverland (Johnny Depp)). I swear when I saw that movie, I thought they were making a movie of my life lol. I'm assuming babysitters is best for women (any age) or young girls/young adult women. Aw no fair.

 

[seeker2122]

Well, Joseph was technically already legally bound to Mary. So there was that.

Honestly, I don't agree that once you feel God says "you may" marry someone, that nothing else matters. I've helped too many people pick up the pieces after broken marriages. I would strongly urge everyone to discern carefully, to be quite ready to walk away before a marriage if there are good reasons to do so, and do the foundational work to give it a solid base. Trust in God is one thing, but it doesn't remove our part in being prudent.

If God did ordain it, then if the marriage fails later on, that's not because God failed them or God failed to understand that situation better. If he ordains it/approves it/gives it the green light, then it means that it's done. It is promised, it is guaranteed ....on the condition that we remain in Him and follow Him. The moment we decide to follow our own will in that marriage, then yes, all the other things you mention will ruin the marriage because we followed our own paths.

The only thing that matters is what God says. I know it sounds too simplistic, but it's true. The rest of it just means we have to remain in Him, be faithful, obedient, and that is condition for the assurance of his promise. His promise doesn't mean that we can do whatever we want and be unreasonable and still the marriage will work out on it's own because God approved it. It is based on the condition that we obey God.

It's the same as God's covenant. If his people choose to be God's people, then God will be their God as he said. It doesn't mean their lives will be without suffering and pain, but it does mean that if they keep the covenant, you won't have to worry about anything else. God will provide.

If God never approved the joining of the two people, then yes, what you are saying is very important to be prudent because we are pretty much going on our own path and all the risk will be on us. But if it's God's will, it's His bill ^^.

 

[Sketcher]

The girl that I have come to believe the LORD was opening my heart to (which is the reason why I am so
drawn to her) I just found out is 12 years younger than me. I'm in 40s she's in her 30s. I know that 12 years
age difference is not unheard of and in fact, it's quite reasonable still and within range. There are way bigger
age gaps than 12 years in the Bible and in current human age, but for some reason I felt so discouraged in my
heart when I found out she was 12 years younger than me. I was hoping we'd only be about 6 to 8 years at most.
Now I have doubts and I don't know anymore if my mind was just playing tricks on me or if the LORD really was
leading me to her and her to me....but will she accept me being 12 years her senior? I feel discouraged and I am
lacking faith now. I don't believe she will accept me for 12 years age gap might be too big for her and the type of
person that she is.

I wouldn't be asking, "Can I do this?" I'd be asking, "How can I make this work?"

 

[SoldierOfTheKing]

Do you worry she’s not mature enough for you? That’s the only issue I would really see.

 

[look4hope]

As long as she’s an adult, age gap shouldn’t matter as long as both of you are under the same page, mutual love and respect.

L4H

 

[JEBofChristTheLord]

Now I have doubts and I don't know anymore if my mind was just playing tricks on me or if the LORD really was
leading me to her and her to me....but will she accept me being 12 years her senior? I feel discouraged and I am
lacking faith now. I don't believe she will accept me for 12 years age gap might be too big for her and the type of
person that she is.

If your faith is really that weak, your problem is yourself. Ask the Lord to deliver His thoughts into you. Wait until you have thoughts which are different than the mess you have right now, before doing anything.