- Aug 4, 2003
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I met a man at my old work on October 21st last year who, though drunk, spoke about Jesus Christ so convincingly, I actually went home with him. I was in the 13th year of my stripping career. He asked if I would go home with him, not to have sex, but to hold me. I'd heard that line before, but I knew this man was telling the truth.
And so I did, I left with him, and he did NOT make a move on me, but still living very much in this world, I moved on him. And we had sex. and he told me he loved me. and I believed him. And though I felt love for him, I did not convey it to him.
We exchanged addresses, for he was only visiting his family for two weeks and lived on the other side of the country.
He never thought he would see me again. I wrote him a letter telling him that I HAD loved him that night and that I trusted him because of the look of love i saw in his eyes when he spoke about Jesus.
and so we "courted" oh so briefly over the phone and me by letter. He only ever wrote me once but it knocked me out. At Christmastime, I went to church for the first time in a long time and I wept uncontrollably for an hour and a half. Something bigger than both of us was happening.
On Jan. 19, I did what I knew would be my last show. I was glad of it. that week, I flew to B.C. where he lives and I moved in with him (thinking that I would only be staying for a few months and then leaving for England)
I should mention that at Christmas, he told me that ultimately, he should not sleep with me until we are married because that's what God wants. The suggestion blows my mind and so does the mention of marriage. Remember- we've spent 12 hours together,that one night, and half corked on top of it. But we spend A LOT of time talking about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit over the phone- we have 7 hour conversations, and I am very drawn by it even though living in the pagan religion.
So of course, we pick up sexually where we've left off because I'm not a Christian yet. And he's only two weeks off the sauce.
But one week later, after much explanation, and an ultimate submission for me, I tearfully and joyfully give myself to Jesus, and nothing is ever the same again. the HOly Spirit is strong and begins it's prodding almost immediately.
We're smoking a lot of pot at this point- 4 joints a day when I first get here, although we've both quit drinking. And of course the sex, and the complication of living together. Small things are big, big things are small, there is little communication that is not in the bedroom. I mention one day that I feel we should not be sleeping together and he is cold and cruel to me all day.
We begin attending church, I"m reading the word, I'm meeting other Christians and living this stupid life of lies to my King.
I tell boyfriend again about the sleeping together thing. We stop for a week but it is nearly impossible to do while living together. The sexual politics are unbearable. I know I have to move out.
IN the meantime, my little brother gets Jesus too and we both get baptized. I am hungry and thirsty for my Lord.
Soon I am no longer smoking pot and even quit smoking. I tell him I am moving out. (I should mention that I was married young and stupid, am waiting for divorce papers). He is under impression that we will be married as soon as divorce happens. I am getting closer and closer to Jesus but still very judgemental of him. He is a good man- he led me to Christ and for this I will be eternally grateful. We clash though, a lot and I don't know if it is me just being stubborn or refusing to submit, but he does not read the word much and MAN did he give me a terrrible hard time when I moved out and boy do I resent it. He twists my words and although I am doing this to make our relationship stronger- he refuses to acknowledge this truth.
He has slowly come around.
All I want right now is Christ. I need to immerse myself. I spent an hour crying to God last night, crying hard, and even yelling as more of the old me died, learning that I would never be a church leader. Former feminist, natural leader- I can't begin to tell you how much pride I have had to sacrifice, how much more of it there is, and how difficult it has been to get rid of it. There's so much I want to know. I don't even want to think about getting married right now. I don't even know if it's what God wants. I know one thing, we don't know each other well enough to commit to it right now. I also know another. It would break his heart. He is so defensive. He is trying hard too. He has quit smoking cigarettes. He has not had a drink in 8 months. He DOES love the Lord. I don't know if he has quit pot.
but he does things that hurt sometimes and I wonder if I have the right to be upset about them becasue of our "former" relationship.
Today we were hugging and his hands slide down my back and he "playfully" grabs my butt. I say" hey!" and pull away and he laughs and says "i;m just trying to have fun with you babe."
After a lifetime of defiling my body, I want to see it as God does. As a temple. It bothered me that he did this. And it bothered me even more that he tried to make me feel gulity for it. I do not try to tempt him, I do not dress suggestively.
We don't have much of a relationship in my opinion. Not much of a friendship since the emphasis is so much on intimacy. I feel like I am not my true self with him. I don't feel appreciated with him. I also feel that I rarely appreciate him. we are negative so much. we rarely study the word together. There are so many differences, and so many things that we need to work on in our own selves and our OWN walks with God. I do not want to lead this man on anymore. I cannot tell him we will be married when the divorce comes because I don't know! But I know this will break his heart. and he is fragile as is, but denies his feelings.
And of course, in the meantime during all of this, I'm trying to die inside, kill the old selfish me. Learn the bible, figure out what to do with my life, tell my new friends about Jesus, tell them about my old life, tell my old friends about my new life with Jesus, and try to find a place for myslef in a new and very bizarre little community.
I'm lost folks. Last night was hard. I read the thread on women pastors. I cried hard as I felt like I had to give yet another thing away. the submission thing is a particularly difficult thing for me because I don't trust the boyfriend right now to do things with me in mind first. I feel he is quite selfish. I also feel I am quite selfish, AND judgemental for saying and thinking he is selfish. BUT I will not make the marraige mistake again. I have to be sure that he has my best interests at heart. I asked him the other day why he loves me. I had to prompt him twice. Finally he says" because you love the Lord, and you love me."
Well sheesh, man, that could be ANY christian woman, there's nothing special about me that you love, something that makes me me or anything like that? It bothers me.
I have told him that I want Jesus to be # 1 in his life and that Jesus is #1 in my life. I have prayed for this.
The bottom line is, I want to do whatever God tells me to do. I am ready and willing to go there- even if it means a lifetime of celibacy. I feel so hungry for God, I wasted so much time and there is so much to do!
I'm so sorry this is so messy and poorly written folks, I have been drinking coffee for 4 hours, reding the women in church threads. I am exhausted. I need prayer.
the thing is, I think this man and I could really make a go of it, that we could be an amazing team if we really put God first but I feel so critical when I am with him, it's AWFUL, I hate doing it. I have a hard time enjoying myself with him. Oh man, and I'm sure I"m a real cup of tea to be with these days. I feel like such a horrible jerk sometimes. I think we need some time apart to be with Jesus.
Please help. I know I"ve left out a bunch of important things.
God bless you all. I mean it.
And so I did, I left with him, and he did NOT make a move on me, but still living very much in this world, I moved on him. And we had sex. and he told me he loved me. and I believed him. And though I felt love for him, I did not convey it to him.
We exchanged addresses, for he was only visiting his family for two weeks and lived on the other side of the country.
He never thought he would see me again. I wrote him a letter telling him that I HAD loved him that night and that I trusted him because of the look of love i saw in his eyes when he spoke about Jesus.
and so we "courted" oh so briefly over the phone and me by letter. He only ever wrote me once but it knocked me out. At Christmastime, I went to church for the first time in a long time and I wept uncontrollably for an hour and a half. Something bigger than both of us was happening.
On Jan. 19, I did what I knew would be my last show. I was glad of it. that week, I flew to B.C. where he lives and I moved in with him (thinking that I would only be staying for a few months and then leaving for England)
I should mention that at Christmas, he told me that ultimately, he should not sleep with me until we are married because that's what God wants. The suggestion blows my mind and so does the mention of marriage. Remember- we've spent 12 hours together,that one night, and half corked on top of it. But we spend A LOT of time talking about God and Jesus and the Holy Spirit over the phone- we have 7 hour conversations, and I am very drawn by it even though living in the pagan religion.
So of course, we pick up sexually where we've left off because I'm not a Christian yet. And he's only two weeks off the sauce.
But one week later, after much explanation, and an ultimate submission for me, I tearfully and joyfully give myself to Jesus, and nothing is ever the same again. the HOly Spirit is strong and begins it's prodding almost immediately.
We're smoking a lot of pot at this point- 4 joints a day when I first get here, although we've both quit drinking. And of course the sex, and the complication of living together. Small things are big, big things are small, there is little communication that is not in the bedroom. I mention one day that I feel we should not be sleeping together and he is cold and cruel to me all day.
We begin attending church, I"m reading the word, I'm meeting other Christians and living this stupid life of lies to my King.
I tell boyfriend again about the sleeping together thing. We stop for a week but it is nearly impossible to do while living together. The sexual politics are unbearable. I know I have to move out.
IN the meantime, my little brother gets Jesus too and we both get baptized. I am hungry and thirsty for my Lord.
Soon I am no longer smoking pot and even quit smoking. I tell him I am moving out. (I should mention that I was married young and stupid, am waiting for divorce papers). He is under impression that we will be married as soon as divorce happens. I am getting closer and closer to Jesus but still very judgemental of him. He is a good man- he led me to Christ and for this I will be eternally grateful. We clash though, a lot and I don't know if it is me just being stubborn or refusing to submit, but he does not read the word much and MAN did he give me a terrrible hard time when I moved out and boy do I resent it. He twists my words and although I am doing this to make our relationship stronger- he refuses to acknowledge this truth.
He has slowly come around.
All I want right now is Christ. I need to immerse myself. I spent an hour crying to God last night, crying hard, and even yelling as more of the old me died, learning that I would never be a church leader. Former feminist, natural leader- I can't begin to tell you how much pride I have had to sacrifice, how much more of it there is, and how difficult it has been to get rid of it. There's so much I want to know. I don't even want to think about getting married right now. I don't even know if it's what God wants. I know one thing, we don't know each other well enough to commit to it right now. I also know another. It would break his heart. He is so defensive. He is trying hard too. He has quit smoking cigarettes. He has not had a drink in 8 months. He DOES love the Lord. I don't know if he has quit pot.
but he does things that hurt sometimes and I wonder if I have the right to be upset about them becasue of our "former" relationship.
Today we were hugging and his hands slide down my back and he "playfully" grabs my butt. I say" hey!" and pull away and he laughs and says "i;m just trying to have fun with you babe."
After a lifetime of defiling my body, I want to see it as God does. As a temple. It bothered me that he did this. And it bothered me even more that he tried to make me feel gulity for it. I do not try to tempt him, I do not dress suggestively.
We don't have much of a relationship in my opinion. Not much of a friendship since the emphasis is so much on intimacy. I feel like I am not my true self with him. I don't feel appreciated with him. I also feel that I rarely appreciate him. we are negative so much. we rarely study the word together. There are so many differences, and so many things that we need to work on in our own selves and our OWN walks with God. I do not want to lead this man on anymore. I cannot tell him we will be married when the divorce comes because I don't know! But I know this will break his heart. and he is fragile as is, but denies his feelings.
And of course, in the meantime during all of this, I'm trying to die inside, kill the old selfish me. Learn the bible, figure out what to do with my life, tell my new friends about Jesus, tell them about my old life, tell my old friends about my new life with Jesus, and try to find a place for myslef in a new and very bizarre little community.
I'm lost folks. Last night was hard. I read the thread on women pastors. I cried hard as I felt like I had to give yet another thing away. the submission thing is a particularly difficult thing for me because I don't trust the boyfriend right now to do things with me in mind first. I feel he is quite selfish. I also feel I am quite selfish, AND judgemental for saying and thinking he is selfish. BUT I will not make the marraige mistake again. I have to be sure that he has my best interests at heart. I asked him the other day why he loves me. I had to prompt him twice. Finally he says" because you love the Lord, and you love me."
Well sheesh, man, that could be ANY christian woman, there's nothing special about me that you love, something that makes me me or anything like that? It bothers me.
I have told him that I want Jesus to be # 1 in his life and that Jesus is #1 in my life. I have prayed for this.
The bottom line is, I want to do whatever God tells me to do. I am ready and willing to go there- even if it means a lifetime of celibacy. I feel so hungry for God, I wasted so much time and there is so much to do!
I'm so sorry this is so messy and poorly written folks, I have been drinking coffee for 4 hours, reding the women in church threads. I am exhausted. I need prayer.
the thing is, I think this man and I could really make a go of it, that we could be an amazing team if we really put God first but I feel so critical when I am with him, it's AWFUL, I hate doing it. I have a hard time enjoying myself with him. Oh man, and I'm sure I"m a real cup of tea to be with these days. I feel like such a horrible jerk sometimes. I think we need some time apart to be with Jesus.
Please help. I know I"ve left out a bunch of important things.
God bless you all. I mean it.
hey you totally encouraged me with that, thanks for sharing 
