I'm such a hypocrite!

[Anles]

I had a first date last night with a guy I met on eHarmony. We've been emailing and talking on the phone for weeks and weeks now and get along like gangbusters. So I met him for the first time last night and it was weird. He's a big guy. A really big guy. And it is soooooo hypocritical of me for that to bother me as I'm no skinny minnie myownself. It bothers me when men make snap decisions about me because of my size. And yet my first thought was akin to repulsion when I first saw him. I HATE that that was my initial reaction. I am a hypocritical jerk!
I really enjoy talking to this guy. I enjoyed our meal. But I have zero physical attraction to this guy. Zilcho. I would love to continue to get to know him as a friend, but the thought of kissing him really ooks me. Arggg. I am such a jerk...
Why is dating so hard?

 

[ShainaBrina]

If you continue being friends with him. You may develop an attraction to him.

I was once fixed up with a really nice guy that was quite obese. I didn't swoon from his attractiveness, but I really did like him, he was funny and kind and gentlemenly etc. My problem was the age difference - he was 17 yrs older than me and had been 'loose' in his younger years. I couldn't get over the fact that he might literally have been my dad.

He was disappointed and hurt... thinking that it was his weight. So he lost all of his weight and has kept it off. Now he looks pretty fine, of course he's still almost 20 yrs older than me LOL

 

[ChooseTheRight]

We can all do that. We can look at a person and see only the physical part, even though inside we know that the person we are looking at, is wonderful and would make us really happy. Its sad but true.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

First question-did you get to see a picture of him before you met him? If he had an older, thinner pic posted I would feel a bit misled. I had talked to someone as a friend because he was just starting a relationship. When the relationship ended we started talking again and as I was headed out the door to meet him, he told me that he looked like John Candy. This pic he had posted was old. I had enjoyed talking to him so I wanted to continure spending time with him. He huffed and puffed with walking and had trouble sitting at a table. I was afraid I'd be required to perform CPR any second. I had just lost about 30 lbs at the time and seriously doubted we'd be compatible activity-wise and had concerns about him being a help to me keeping my weight off.

This isn't just a physical thing. While any of us can be hit by a car, morbid obesity brings a lot of health risks. I don't want to become a widow on my honeymoon. But, it wasn't his weight that killed it for me, it was comments about all the video and computer games that he played. He also had some strange, dysfunctional communication skills.

Both of the guys messing with my social life right now are big teddy bears, but they are both active and can go on brisk walks with me. I dated a bigger-bellied guy last year who became attractive to me because of the way he treated me.

Look at it as just one more area of compatibility to consider. If it's not a big compatibility issue just continue to get to know him.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

That is why I don't think I could ever do the online dating game. Plus I really wouldn't want to meet someone without first knowing what they looked like. Likewise I would want them to know what I looked like too, so there are no surprises. Plus I think people can be different online and on the phone than they are IRL besides the fact they could be a serial killer

 

[Anles]

He did have a picture posted, but it was vague. I knew he wasn't a toned athletic guy, but he was just different than I expected. I like bigger guys truthfully. Little skinny guys are not my thing. I expected a teddy bear, just not Santa Claus.
I'm more frustrated by my reaction than anything he did. He actually is a great guy. Sweet, kind, thoughtful. I would really like to get to know him more just because he would be a great friend. I just don't want to be misleading and I hate that I am being somewhat superficial.
Dunno. I'm just cranky with myself over this. The guy emailed me today and wanted to know if I would be interested in going out again. I very truthfully said that I would love to be friends and then see what happened from there. Truthfully that is the best way. We'll see what happens.

 

[Mark2010]

Of course, you don't HAVE to do anything you don't want to. And you feel whatever you feel.

But I suppose it is enlightening to see life from someone else's perspective, isn't it?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

The truth is always the truth, and sometimes we have no control over our feelings. That is why we aren't to be ruled by them. They (feelings) are misleading and fail us more than they help us IMO. It's good you were honest. I would feel the same way. Usually I either have an attraction or not, and superficial or not, it's important to me to have an attraction. Guys do it all the time too. Don't beat yourself up too bad. You were honest and like I said, you can't really help how you feel.

 

[jcj3803]

I have a friend who I am totally unattracted to. I mean zero, nada, zilch, woof arf arf.

She is a wonderful person - smart , good job, Christian, kind, personable.

Her desire to be in a romantic relationship with me will never happen. Period. And I am no Mel Gibson myself.

It is what it is. No point smacking yourself upside the head about it.

 

[HopeFaithLove4u]

That is why I don't think I could ever do the online dating game. Plus I really wouldn't want to meet someone without first knowing what they looked like. Likewise I would want them to know what I looked like too, so there are no surprises. Plus I think people can be different online and on the phone than they are IRL besides the fact they could be a serial killer

I did on-line dating and will NEVER do it again!! People that do it LIE, LIE,LIE!!!!! That's been my experience. Unfortunately, I'm not a liar (or a good one, anyway ).
So, trust me, don't feel bad about this one guy.....he is just one guy out of 1000's, don't force yourself to try to like him if you don't.
Here's my on-line dating experience:
1 guy THOUGHT he was good-looking and 'portrayed' himself to be.....I didn't get a picture, at first, met up, sooooooo not good-looking or my type.....BUT he was nice.
1 guy, put 10 year old pic's up and when I met up with him, looked like an old man....bye,bye.
2 guys put they were divorced on their profiles, but were only separated within the last few months (but they were cute).....bye, bye.
1 guy I dated for awhile, but I was slowly figuring out thru the months, that he hadn't been very honest with me (that was a LDR, so hard to get at the truth, without seeing him daily).....bye, bye.

Never again meeting someone on-line for me.......I soooooo don't trust it now!!!! People can say ANYTHING they want......and I'm smart enough to not fall for it.

It is what it is. No point smacking yourself upside the head about it.

I agree, you shouldn't feel bad, feel good that you love yourself enough to not settle for less than what you truely want.....life is too short to settle.

 

[jcj3803]

Never again meeting someone on-line for me.......I soooooo don't trust it now!!!! People can say ANYTHING they want......and I'm smart enough to not fall for it.

I've had pretty good luck with online dating. I've met about 6 people that way, one of whom I dated for 3 years. Only one of the other 5 was a no-go from the beginning. Of course, that's after rejecting people and being rejected multiple times.

 

[Bridgit]

He did have a picture posted, but it was vague. I knew he wasn't a toned athletic guy, but he was just different than I expected. I like bigger guys truthfully. Little skinny guys are not my thing. I expected a teddy bear, just not Santa Claus.
I'm more frustrated by my reaction than anything he did. He actually is a great guy. Sweet, kind, thoughtful. I would really like to get to know him more just because he would be a great friend. I just don't want to be misleading and I hate that I am being somewhat superficial.
Dunno. I'm just cranky with myself over this. The guy emailed me today and wanted to know if I would be interested in going out again. I very truthfully said that I would love to be friends and then see what happened from there. Truthfully that is the best way. We'll see what happens.

It's not easy. I know.

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I've had pretty good luck with online dating. I've met about 6 people that way, one of whom I dated for 3 years. Only one of the other 5 was a no-go from the beginning. Of course, that's after rejecting people and being rejected multiple times.

I'm just curious though....your still single?

 

[Anles]

Thanks, y'all.
We'll see how being friends go. I just really don't want to hurt his feelings.

My experiences with online dating have varied. Some of the men have been nice. Some have been psycho freaks. Several have told me in the initial email that God told them I was to be their wife (ummm... He didn't tell me! And sometimes God doesn't want us to share everything out loud.)
eHarmony has been the best of them so far. Chemistry.com was a complete waste of time and money.
Match.com was full of spam and mystic love poetry from men left in the 70's/early 80's.

I work in theatre so the odds of meeting straight guys is pretty slim. Single men are pretty much non-existant at church. Figured to try something new and different with eHarmony. At very least I should remember why it is I hate dating.

 

[eatenbylocusts]

I'm just curious though....your still single?

Oooooh. I called eharmony to report a suspicious person and the lady said, Wow, you've been a member for a long time. Made me feel like a failure.
But, I was going to comment on dating someone for 3 years. That's a long time.

Several have told me in the initial email that God told them I was to be their wife (ummm... He didn't tell me! And sometimes God doesn't want us to share everything out loud.)

I got those kind of emails on some other sites which finally caused me to take my profile down.

 

[Mark2010]

I did on-line dating and will NEVER do it again!! People that do it LIE, LIE,LIE!!!!! That's been my experience. Unfortunately, I'm not a liar (or a good one, anyway ).
So, trust me, don't feel bad about this one guy.....he is just one guy out of 1000's, don't force yourself to try to like him if you don't.
Here's my on-line dating experience:
1 guy THOUGHT he was good-looking and 'portrayed' himself to be.....I didn't get a picture, at first, met up, sooooooo not good-looking or my type.....BUT he was nice.
1 guy, put 10 year old pic's up and when I met up with him, looked like an old man....bye,bye.
2 guys put they were divorced on their profiles, but were only separated within the last few months (but they were cute).....bye, bye.
1 guy I dated for awhile, but I was slowly figuring out thru the months, that he hadn't been very honest with me (that was a LDR, so hard to get at the truth, without seeing him daily).....bye, bye.

Never again meeting someone on-line for me.......I soooooo don't trust it now!!!! People can say ANYTHING they want......and I'm smart enough to not fall for it.



I agree, you shouldn't feel bad, feel good that you love yourself enough to not settle for less than what you truely want.....life is too short to settle.

You can cover your eyes
And hide behind walls you've built around you
You can run for your life
Anytime there's a chance of something breaking through
But sooner or later it comes to us all
And even the strongest must fall

Chorus:
When love calls your name
There's no saying no
You follow you heart wherever it goes
To the ends of the earth
For the rest of your days
Whatever it takes, yeah you'll find a way
Through fire and rain
When love calls your name

Now I see a light
And it keeps getting brighter and shows me the way
It's there in your eyes
Pulling me closer everyday
After all of this time the table have turned
I guess I'm ready to learn

Chorus

You do what you must
You take it on faith
You take it on trust
You're out of control
And all that you know
The world's not the same
When love calls your name

Chorus

When love calls your name
(repeat to fade)

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

I think I am a hypocrite too because I really hate it when guys want a "petite blond" because I'm not, but I want my man to be very good looking (among other things like loving God with all his heart). And then I want him to accept me how I am (which is currently slightly overweight).

 

[jcj3803]

I'm just curious though....your still single?

I am. I had the choice of staying in an unfulfilling relationship that might have eventually led to marriage (we went so far as to look at houses together and started discussing a pre-nup) or terminating it and taking my chances on finding someone with whom I could be in the kind of relationship I want. I chose to terminate the relationship. Better alone than settling for crumbs.

I was laid off several years ago and virtually everybody who was canned was terribly upset. I walked out with a smile on my face because I KNEW God would provide. Financially I'm not where I was but the mortgage gets paid and I eat lunch on the beach in Malibu a couple times a year. So who says there isn't a rail thin blonde who can dance a tango around the corner?

 

[memoriesbymichelle]

So who says there isn't a rail thin blonde who can dance a tango around the corner?

Ha Ha! Does her name need to be Barbie too?

 

[jcj3803]

Ha Ha! Does her name need to be Barbie too?

Nah... Beth, Renee, Lena, Marie / Mary, Bonnie or a Debra, I think. Yeah, lean towards a Marie or Renee. Hmmmm...