I'm such a hypocrite inside

[GTAsoldier]

Peace. I really hope that I don't sound like a broken record to you all.

I keep committing the same old sins over and over again. Harboring slanderous thoughts, fighting them off with other slanderous thoughts, jerking off, falling into lust, being internally angry with others when they judge me, criticize me, or play jokes with me to arouse my temper. The more I try to fight them off, the more I fail and be driven to uncertainty, apathy, and meaningless-ness.

The more I try to repent, the worse my sins appear to me. It makes me feel like I'm further away from God than I originally thought and that I'm not repenting correctly or that I'm not praying right or with true repentant fervor. It's like paying lip-service.

There are times when I harbor righteous thoughts, but my faulty self won't act upon them at the risk of being hypocritical. Then again, I just try to perform good acts towards others (helping my family in day-to-day activities for instance), but something tells me it's not enough to receive God's mercy and spirit within me. It's like the thorns of this world are choking me by the moment. I understand that living a life in Christ calls us to be not of this world, but I can't shake the notion that includes being "above it" as in being in the "in-crowd". So now I'm having a bit of an identity and faith crisis.

Believe it or not, before my quest into Orthodoxy I was part of that SNR (Spiritual but not Religious) crowd when I was fed up with the state of Christianity in the West. Now that I'm on the path to Orthodoxy, all the hypocrisies that I was fed up with are really revealed within myself. This has caused me to feel at war with myself internally. If I can't be at peace with myself, who in God's name will I be at peace with?

All my life I sought to avoid getting on everyone's bad side and be right with them (God, family, friends). Now I realize that that you can't be right with everyone no matter what happens. And some of the things I ask for, I don't deserve at all because I think my motives and intentions are completely off track, if not perverse.

Pray for me,

Jade

 

[davidn87]

I often have almost the exact same experience.

 

[Monica child of God 1]

I'm in a very similar boat. I go for long periods where I am able to avoid certain sins and lusts, only to fall once again. One thing I have realized ( based on something Father Tom Hopko's said) is that it is not my responsibility to gauge how I am going spiritually. As if I'm doing "well" now that is progress. No, this life is a struggle, a podvig. If I'm struggling, I'm in the fight. Those temptations are pulling me closer to God, so I should be thankful for them. I must learn to respond in the moment and not look back ant tally up "wins" and "losses."

One thing a priest told me is not to dwell on sinful dreams because you can bring those thoughts (and temptations) into the day. I have found the same advice is useful for all my thoughts that are despairing or sinful. If I dwell on them I'm dragging them forward from one day to the next, instead of getting rid of them.

One last thing: the sacraments of confession, communion and unction are so helpful. We aren't meant to struggle with passions on our own, but with the grace of the Holy Spirit.

M.

 

[InnerPhyre]

The most important thing is never to get discouraged. The devil wins only if we give up. As many times as we fall, repent, and get back up and keep fighting. Remember that the Lord says that we should forgive not up to 7 times but 77 x 7 times. If this is what He asks of us fallen creatures, then how much more forgiveness is He willing to offer us? Keep pressing on.

 

[GTAsoldier]

Thank you Monica and InnerPhyre.

Another thing Im having issues with: How can I properly thank God without being prideful? How can I know that God is being merciful to me or hearing my prayers?

 

[rusmeister]

Join the club!

Realizing that I suck goes a long way toward cutting down pride, and makes it easier to recognize when I AM seeking to lift myself up.

You can thank someone from the lowliest places imaginable. No pride required.

 

[Lukaris]

I know i have plenty of sin and I also know we are saved by grace not of works so we do not boast & then we are called to do good works (ephesians 2:8-10 ). All we can do is confess our sin & march on & try to do some good. Look at King David when he stole Bathsheba from Uriah & arrainged for Uriah to buy the farm & then note his confession in Psalm 50 (Psalm 51 in the western Bibles). See also 1st John 1.

 

[Dorothea]

Peace. I really hope that I don't sound like a broken record to you all.

I keep committing the same old sins over and over again. Harboring slanderous thoughts, fighting them off with other slanderous thoughts, jerking off, falling into lust, being internally angry with others when they judge me, criticize me, or play jokes with me to arouse my temper. The more I try to fight them off, the more I fail and be driven to uncertainty, apathy, and meaningless-ness.

The more I try to repent, the worse my sins appear to me. It makes me feel like I'm further away from God than I originally thought and that I'm not repenting correctly or that I'm not praying right or with true repentant fervor. It's like paying lip-service.

There are times when I harbor righteous thoughts, but my faulty self won't act upon them at the risk of being hypocritical. Then again, I just try to perform good acts towards others (helping my family in day-to-day activities for instance), but something tells me it's not enough to receive God's mercy and spirit within me. It's like the thorns of this world are choking me by the moment. I understand that living a life in Christ calls us to be not of this world, but I can't shake the notion that includes being "above it" as in being in the "in-crowd". So now I'm having a bit of an identity and faith crisis.

Believe it or not, before my quest into Orthodoxy I was part of that SNR (Spiritual but not Religious) crowd when I was fed up with the state of Christianity in the West. Now that I'm on the path to Orthodoxy, all the hypocrisies that I was fed up with are really revealed within myself. This has caused me to feel at war with myself internally. If I can't be at peace with myself, who in God's name will I be at peace with?

All my life I sought to avoid getting on everyone's bad side and be right with them (God, family, friends). Now I realize that that you can't be right with everyone no matter what happens. And some of the things I ask for, I don't deserve at all because I think my motives and intentions are completely off track, if not perverse.

Pray for me,

Jade

We all are hypocrites at one time or another. I know I am, and I wish I wasn't!

It's interesting that anger supposedly goes hand in hand with people who suffer from porn addiction and/or lust. I believe this is what Dr. Albert Rossi said on his podcast on pornography. You can listen to it here:

Internet Pornography Part 1 - Becoming a Healing Presence - Ancient Faith Radio

That's part 1. You can catch part 2 here:

Internet Pornography Part 2 - Becoming a Healing Presence - Ancient Faith Radio


Anyway, the important part is that you're struggling, you're in the fight. I continue to fight my unclean thoughts as well....and these thoughts are connected to things I did 18-20 years ago! The evil one uses our past sins to bring us down, but I was told by my priest that I've already confessed them and am not doing these things anymore, so just say the Jesus Prayer, as for His help when these attacks come on, but also, realize that yes, that was and is me, but I'm moving towards God and not those things, or something to that effect my priest had said. In doing this, the hold the enemy had on me on these issues has lessened.

Also, Orthodoxy forces you to confront your sins and the inner depths of your soul. This is why you are seeing your sins and they are tearing you up and can make you feel frustrated and you feel you are battling yourself. I feel that way A LOT of the time. Have faith.


I need to add you to my regular prayer list, Jade. God bless.

 

[GTAsoldier]

Thank you Doro.

 

[InnerPhyre]

Just need to echo what Monica says about how important the Mysteries are. Frequent confession and the reception of Holy Communion are our primary weapons against sin. Without them, progress is slow and much more difficult.

Also, fasting (though it's not always good for new converts to fast right away) will help you to subdue the passions of the flesh which cause us to sin. It really works. I mean really really really works. Before I became Orthodox, I thought fasting was just one of those theoretical things that monks do and "might" work but only for them. No no no....fasting will annihilate your passions like nobody's business.

 

[LewsTherin]

Hi, GTA. I'm not Orthodox, and I have no eloquent advice, but your problems are strikingly similar to my own. I will pray for you, please pray for me also.

 

[Dorothea]

"It is a spiritual gift from God for a man to perceive his sins." - St. Isaac the Syrian

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

One thing that a poster told me that resonated and stuck with me in an IM he sent me was "you're not called to win, you're called to keep the faith and stay in the race." The point isn't to be perfect. Impossible!

We're called to keep running, keep in the marathon, and not lose our faith in God's mercy. When we sin, we get back up. It's not easy.

GTA, the Holy Spirit is working great things in your life. Years of sin can be a daunting thing. It's easy to gain weight, never easy to lose it. It's easy to get on drugs, not easy to make it through rehab. It's easy to make enemies, another thing to repair the insults and bad feelings we have. I'm a great example.

But don't let your sins beat you up, GTA. Satan wants you to wallow in them with a total sense of unworthiness of God's love. Satan wants you to feel like such a disgusting wretch that you're 100% unlovable in His divine eyes. Wrong.

Right now, just focus on the love of God, focus on how much He loves and cares about you, and that He was willing to pay the ultimate price to do so. He squashed death like a bug on a windshield and controls all. He is the wellspring of life, the epitome of hope. You're loved in His eyes.

Your humility in admitting your struggles is a great sign of your Christian heart.

Best of luck, mate God bless you

 

[GTAsoldier]

Thank you Gurney

The point isn't to be perfect. Impossible!

But didn't Christ command us to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect? (Matthew 5:48)

 

[Lukaris]

Thank you Gurney



But didn't Christ command us to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect? (Matthew 5:48)

Only through Him we cannot do this otherwise & it will not be realized until the afterlife.....

--
John 16:33

New King James Version (NKJV)

33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will[a] have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.”

 

[gurneyhalleck1]

The goal is to be like Christ. The Lord tells us this, yes. It is our goal. But do you believe that Christ never thought we'd fall or sin or fall short? Read the Scriptures holistically, not just one passage, and you'll see that ALL FALL SHORT OF THE GLORY OF GOD. Paul tells us that nobody is good, NOBODY. All have sinned. And Paul talks about a thorn in his side that persists, that reminds him of his need for the Lord. Look at David and his terrible sins. What God loved about David was his humility in admitting his sinfulness and striving to find favor with God, despite the obvious pitfalls and scars, pimples, and imperfections of David.

Look at the difference between Saul and David. Saul sins and doesn't ask God's mercy. He sins and remains in it, and even exacerbates the sins. David is told of his sin and God's wrath, and he falls to his knees.

The Lord loves a broken, contrite heart. You have that, GTA.

You're a good man, GTA. Hang in there.

Thank you Gurney



But didn't Christ command us to be perfect as our Heavenly Father is perfect? (Matthew 5:48)

 

[Protoevangel]

You're a good man, GTA.

Gurney is right. Just don't believe him.

The Lord loves a broken, contrite heart. You have that, GTA.

Otherwise, you might forget this.


Being Faithful doesn't mean being perfect today, or even any time in the foreseeable, mortal future, it means turning to Him when you feel least like it.

There is a story that has kept me going when nothing else probably would have. I'd like to share it with you:

A monk, as Saint Amphilochios relates, fell into fornication. From then on, he committed the same sin every day. Each time after the sin, he prayed with tears in his eyes for Jesus Christ to have mercy on him. Blinded by this bad habit, he committed the sin repeatedly. Immediately he rushed to the church, knelt in front of the icon of Christ and said with tears in his eyes, “Have mercy on me, oh Lord, and take away from me this temptation that makes me suffer and wounds my soul. I can’t see your face so that my soul can find peace.” After he said these words and left the church, he committed the same sin again. He didn’t lose hope for his salvation and he came back to the church praying the same way to the merciful God: “You are my witness, oh Lord, that from now on I will never commit this sin again. Oh loving God, forgive me for my past up to this moment for I have hurt You.” He committed “his lovely” sin again. His spiritual struggle lasted ten years.

Behold, the endless mercy of our Master and Lord Jesus Christ!

Finally, one day this monk committed the same sin. He rushed to the church weeping, crying and praying with tears in his eyes to the merciful God.

When the devil saw the persistent repentance of the monk, he appeared bodily in front of the monk and with wrath questioned God saying:

“Why do You accept this licentious and prodigal man who lies to You every day? Why don’t You cast him into fire? You are merciful to put up with him. You are not a righteous judge, but a one-sided one. You threw me down from heaven for just one sin of arrogance, but You forgive this perpetual lying, licentious and prodigal man because he cries before You. Where is Your righteousness?”

Then the voice of the Lord was heard from the altar saying:

“Evil and unclean spirit, aren’t you yet satisfied to lead the world into perdition? Do you want to grasp also him who bows before My mercy? Can you hold so many sins against him that they counter My Holy Blood that I have shed on the Cross for him? When he commits a sin, you don’t send him away but accept him happily. And you don’t discourage him for YOU wish to gain him. As I am merciful and have befriended man, how can you expect Me not to show mercy on him who draws near Me in repentance? I will never reject him until he becomes My heir. I was crucified for sinners and to save everyone who comes to Me.”

As soon as the devil heard the voice of the Lord, he started trembling, unable to move or say a word.

“Listen carefully, devilish spirit, who calls Me unjust. I am all righteous. I will judge each one under the circumstances he is in. Behold, I will save his soul and accept him who recently returned to me in repentance and contrition because he didn’t despair, but rather struggled for his salvation.”

At that time, the monk gave up his soul.

My beloved readers, do you understand how ineffable is God’s love and immeasurable is His mercy? Let us not neglect our salvation. Watch out not to fall into despair.​

Uh, yea. It's still hard for me to read this story without shedding a tear.

 

[GTAsoldier]

That's a powerful story, Proto. I'm going to need to reread it to fully digest it.

Thank you, and thank you all.

 

[truthseeker32]

GTA,

I can relate to your struggle. When I was about 17 I parted ways with religion and fell into agnosticism. Like many secular people, I bought into the idea that there is nothing wrong with casual sex and partying, as long as it is "safe". I became addicted to sex and at one point alcohol, although the latter was much easier for me to overcome. It was in seeing how my reckless behavior changed my life for the worse that I began to once again think that maybe there was something to all the morality taught by various religions. I too still struggle, and it serves as a reminder that I really can't do it alone.

 

[Blonde]

Hey GTA,
In Proverbs 3 it says the Lord corrects those He loves. So when He corrects you or brings something to light be glad because He cares to purify your soul and is in the process of doing it.
His mercy is that He brings it to light and forgives you and gives you grace to continue. So when you thank Him for His generous kindness there is no place for pride because you've done nothing.