I'm stuck...bit of a long question

[munh]

I had a terrible upbringing, it was a christian home and I was taken to church at an early age until I stopped going at the age of 13. I'm the youngest of 4 boys, now 28.
We were all individually abused either physically or mentally by both parents.
Being the youngest I felt the force of all my brothers before me being abused and in turn taking it out on me, not intentionally but because they knew no difference. I would never say to them they had it worse because we all had it bad.
Growing up I never had many friends and got into all sorts of addictions, drugs, sex, drink ect. I never had any sort of role model to know how to act .
I always knew god was so much better than my parents acted and so found church again at 23.
I went through counselling for 3/4 years and have tried my hardest to get stuck into church, but it's not working. I've been so damaged by my parents I cant interact with people, I start off fine but then I can't think of what to say or I'll say something stupid, childlike even. I have tried to get into cell groups and can stick it out for a while but then I get totally anxious and drop out. I can't even pray with them because the words won't come out.
I don't have a clue how to be a man and how to act around around guys because I never had it with my dad.
I hardly see any of my familly, there's too much damage, i'm pretty much on my own. I can honestly sa y I don't think anyone would be that bothered if I was to leave their life, I have to contact everyone one which isn't a lot now because I don't get the same back. I have absolutely nothing to offer.

It's been like this all my life, how on earth can I get out of this?
Of course i've thought of suicide, but i'd rather not do it, and prob wouldn't have the guts anyway.

I know it shouldn't matter, but I am actually a good looking guy and a nice person, my looks get attention for a short while, then thats it.

I know some people can get counselling, but i've done that, i've done mostly everything I can think of, how can i keep going on trying when I have no light at the end of the tunnel?

 

[Criada]

I am so sorry you have had to deal with so much.
It is hard to recover from childhood abuse, but, it is possible. You say thet counseling has not worked in the past.. it might be worth talking to a psychiatrist and exploring different form of therapy. There are a lot of different approaches, and sometimes you need to keep trying until you find the one that works for you.

God loves you.. and even in the hardest parts of your journey, He is there. You say you found church.. and that is great. But, what really matters is God. He loves you.. you proably find that hard to accept if you haven't known a lot of love. But, keep reading his Word annd talking to Him.
I am praying for you, brother.

 

[munh]

Thankyou for your kind post, I don't even know why I asked for help, I guess it's just nice letting off steam sometimes.
I think your idea of a pshyciatrist is good, I can't go through all that again though, I have no more energy. The only thing on my mind is becoming a recluse, that maybe a bad thing to do but I can't see any way out, i'm 28 i've been struggling too long. If I were to have sorted myself out then it would of happened by now...but boy is it hard to take. I had imagined being married with some great kids, it's just so hard to know i'm not going to get that

 

[Everlasting33]

Sounds like you have been kicked around for too long and you want someone to genuinely care about and for you. Being abused for most of your childhood only saps out any trust and feeling that you have left. You want to be "normal" and have friends but it doesn't come easy and it can be frustrating.

In my opinion, you need a strong support group (most likely found at church) and a trustworthy and motivating counselor.

On a side note, I went through years of therapy and it didn't sink in until I desired change and growth. You can change, you can heal, and you can be full of peace and joy. But you first have to make that step...a step of risk, a step of change, and a step of the unknown.

You already know the steps you are taking now and you are going in circles. To step outside this circle will entail a level of courage but one that is very much inside of you.

 

[bliz]

Give a new counselor a try.

You have a lot of healing to do and counselig really can help you do it.

In the meantime. feel free to vent here anytime you want to. Thinking through things and writing them out can be very helpful in and of itself.

 

[AWorkInProgress]

Heya Bro,

You been thru a great deal, yet from your post it seems that your eyes are open to your circumstances. Where do we go from here?

I want to let you know that it is natural to keep wanting to leave any support groups you join. Anxiety and emotional pain will want you to run. Yet much like a child learning how to walk, every time you stumble. Get back up and try again. Learn from each stumble, and the Lord can use it to help give clues to what your suffering from.

Man, I don't know how many times I cleaned up my CF account to walk away, to turn around and put it together again. Realizing I have nowhere else to go.

I want to let you know, that right now you don't know what it is like to be a real man. Facing the pain in your heart takes courage, specially to walk with an invisible God to help overcome it. It is far easier to escape in addictions than to fight for your life.

Lord wants to help you, he is not against you. Being in his presence will seem so incredibly hard, but his mercy and truth will restore you. Hang onto him even when you don't understand and want to run.

I raised my fist at him, cursed his name, cried and screamed at Jesus. Yet after the fog cleared, I repented and remembered He is the only one cared about me. He showed me what I could have in him, and has kept his promise. Today I am nowhere near the man I was two years ago. A 13 year porn addict, video game addict, 'nice guy', that knew nothing about life is now a new creature in Christ. I am no longer a nice guy, I been free from porn for almost a year now, I rarely play games, and I am married to a woman who completes me in every way. Starting a new life in difficult part of the US, but it's OK. I have a wonderful relationship with a TRUE Father and mentor, that is still teaching me how to have victory in the name of Jesus. I am about to start the climb for my career field as computer programmer and technician.

Much like Paul, I don't boost for my sake. I boost in my weakness. Lord has lifted me up out of my weakness to show his perfect strength. For when I am weak, I am strong. ( 2 corinthians 12:1-10 )

You can be to my brother. Lord will help you take back what the devil stole from you. =)

 

[God-is-beautiful]

munh,

We sound a lot alike. I once felt like you do. Abuse is devistating. The hardest thing I ever had to do was to stop believing the lies...that I had nothing to offer, that I would always be an outcast, that I would never amount to anything, that there would always be something wrong with me, or that I didn't deserve better. Things started to get better for me when I put God in the center. I prayed a lot. And I got ahold of anything I could to get closer to God. I read books, listened to music, went to a christian counselor, and wrote in a journal. The journal really helped me to recognize my own feelings. When I was alone, I didn't feel the pressure to hide certain thoughts or feelings for fear of what others would think (or the fear of someone telling me how I should feel). It really helped me to start finding out who I was behind all of the labels that I had allowed others to put onto me.

Just remember that God put us on the earth. Everyone on this earth is unique, valuable to God, and has a purpose. And when we feel alone, God is always there. He can help you heal one step at a time.

 

[selfhelpblogger]

Well. First of all. What is in the past is just that...In the past. If you believe in God. That light at the end of the tunnel is very bright. All the negative that you have built up over the years has to be torn down. I can not post links, but my suggestion is search Google for positive thinking. Listen to people like Zig Ziglar and read books like The Power of Positive Thinking By Norman Vincent Peale. Fill your head with positive information

Dave
Selfhelpblogger.com

 

[ke1985]

I would definitely see a professional...good advice on the board though!

 

[munh]

Thanks to all your kind answers, especially the private messages...you know who you are!

 

[munh]

Well church tomorrow, i've prayed to try and make things a easier for me just to go through the doors, but it's not happened so i've decided not to go.

Depression is a wicked thing, I completely detest my parents for giving me such a hard life. In some cases I can understand how people get themselves better, but we're all different, I don't believe it will happen for me.
So I get anti deppressants, may work for a while but it's only false happiness. Maybe i'll go and get more counselling, but how long can i keep doing that? How can I keep spending so much money? Even if I ever feel better, i'll be so old it'll be pointless.

I wonder if anyone can answer this question...suicide is not allowed and speaks of such in the bible, but can you pray that god can take you in your sleep?
If god knows your struggling to the point of thinking about it so much, surely he would want to give you peace wouldn't he?

I'm only asking this because i'm just so sure I can't involve myself, I just know things aren't going to change for me. The question is asked more out of a sense of calm than a self destruct nature

 

[Winter]

I wonder if anyone can answer this question...suicide is not allowed and speaks of such in the bible, but can you pray that god can take you in your sleep?
If god knows your struggling to the point of thinking about it so much, surely he would want to give you peace wouldn't he?

He does. But He wants you to discover that peace on your own. He wants you to walk this earth with all its trials and tribulations, because for every ounce of suffering we endure, there is a valuable lesson behind it. Peace comes once "we figure it all out" - what that is, and when, is a matter of time. But it can be attainable. And the biggest victory is when we find it through out perseverance and through our willingness to ask questions and observe this world around us. We are here to learn - to grow in our hearts and minds. Suffering allows us to know what it means to be compassionate and understanding of our fellow human beings. Jesus suffered on the cross - why would we suffer any less through our journey of life? Yes, our life is a journey. Sometimes we walk a smooth path, other times it is turbulent like a voyage across the sea. But there is a reason behind it all. God wants us to persevere and grow from it because He has a "special" purpose and reason for each one of us - and they all differ.

I understand how you feel. I've wanted the same thing too. But every day we wake to a new morning. Each day there is opportunity for hope. But we must persevere and we do that knowing that God has a plan for each one of us.

You are a very special person. God loves you very much. He will not give up on you. Stay the course on earth. Follow His plan for you. Day by day, as you grow in wisdom you will understand it one day. Someday He may call you to do something special in this lifetime because you've endured the difficulties and have gained wisdom from it. Some of the greatest artists, therapists, writers and healers of this world, all endured trials and tribulations. Just think what you can do for this world with wisdom and understanding.

Hang in there and may the Lord guide you every step of the way!

 

[God-is-beautiful]

I understand that it is hard to forgive. I was abused as a child and ended up in an abusive marriage. I think the hardest thing I ever had to do was forgive...especially while still having contact with the abusers (and still being married to one). It's hard, but after doing so, within some time it made a world of difference. My past did not change, but I was able to leave some of the hurt behind and give God the control to deal with the people who have hurt me.

I know you can do this. God works miracles ever day, and nothing is too big for him to do. As posted in a previous post, God is sending you through a trial. And he wants you to seek him. It's all about baby steps. It takes time, but remember to feel good about every accomplishment. Never short change yourself.

 

[munh]

It's gone too deep though guys, I haven't grown in years and it's not been without trying.
How can I possibly keep going on when I feel the same worthlessness each day? I'm never happy. I can go to church and will have tears in my eyes from the worship, what good does it do if i'm so lonely?
Could anyone really keep going if they felt the same everyday? I'm not saying i'm happy about it, but there has to come a time when enough is enough

 

[Winter]

You have alot of pain in you. You've been damaged. But I got to say this ... I think its absolutely incredible how much you have persevered thus far. You have more courage and strength than you think. You have overcome ALOT. But here's what I think you need to do. You need to accept yourself. You are who you are. Give yourself a break and love yourself. You are seeking acceptance from others - but you need to accept and love yourself first - quit fighting with you - and start accepting you. Once you accept yourself, others will be drawn to you.

There is a small boy within you who needs a parent. It is the adult within you that must tend to this small boy's hurts. He needs love and accpetance. Please give him that. Give him a break - he's been through so much. Stop fighting with yourself. Embrace yourself - seek comfort from within first. Then you will find comfort from the outside.

((Hugs)) - May the Lord guide you every step of the way. Love, Winter

 

[AWorkInProgress]

It's gone too deep though guys, I haven't grown in years and it's not been without trying.
How can I possibly keep going on when I feel the same worthlessness each day? I'm never happy. I can go to church and will have tears in my eyes from the worship, what good does it do if i'm so lonely?
Could anyone really keep going if they felt the same everyday? I'm not saying i'm happy about it, but there has to come a time when enough is enough

Heya bro,

You see the worthlessness and loneliness are brought on the emotional damage done to you. You don't love yourself, and others have made you felt very unloved. Conciously a person won't understand the lost of control on their emotions, but under the surface is a boy crying out in anguish and pain. Lord knows your heart and wants so badly to walk you out of your pain and unforgiveness. Yet it is a process that takes time and determination and most importantly prayer.

Start with hope, get a picture of in your mind or of a person you like to be. Keep it close that Jesus will help you get there. Hope requires trust, trust is faith. Have to have faith that Jesus is not going to keep you in this place any longer than need be. Your hope and faith will keep bringing you back to repentance and trying again at recovery. (This scripture always encouraged me when I was overwhelmed by sin "Thorn in the Flesh" 2 Corinthians 12:1-10 )

The way I describe it is that we all start out as a child, no matter how old we may appear. Spiritually we are an infant. Infant starts to crawl on the ground, over time the baby starts to want to walk. The baby will fall down many times, well imagine the enemy is standing over the baby. When the baby falls, he starts screaming at the child. After a couple of falls, the child is too scared to try to walk. When you try to seek help, go to church, read the bible, talk to counsellors, or whatever steps you take. The enemy will scream at you in press all of your pain buttons to halt your progress.

Solution is to come to the Lord. After you stumble, seek Him out in prayer and cry out to him. Holy Spirit, within you, will speak to you. Write or type about what you are going thru. Think of it as a letter to God, and don't think about what your writing. Instead just listen and write down what you hear. This was one of the tools the Lord spoke to me with. After a while of writing, something else came thru that was trying to encourage me. ( "Holy Spirit vs the Sinful Nature" Galations 5:16-26 )

There are other ways, but keep coming back to Him. Get back up and try to walk again. Eventually you will be able to walk, then run.

I pray this will help you bro.

 

[Carten]

Be strong man, and when its just not working out, rest, pray and just keep going. Remember, what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger!

 

[munh]

your very nice people on here, so easy to talk to and give excellent advice.
I agree with mostly everything each of you have mentioned.
Don't get me wrong, to the ordinary person these things will work a treat, and maybe a few years ago it would of worked for me too. Maybe you think my ears are closed, maybe your right, but no matter what i'm told or how many things I try, my mind is still messed up. I need my mind to change and see things differently, this will take too long I haven't got that much time. I need things to change because they've been going on for so long.
I know you guys will be reluctant to answer my next question but I would really like to know if god would really deny me heaven, even if he's who I want to be with, if I 'copped' it?

 

[Winter]

I know you guys will be reluctant to answer my next question but I would really like to know if god would really deny me heaven, even if he's who I want to be with, if I 'copped' it?

In Christianity suicide is sinful because it is a rejection of God's plan and gift of life. But let's just put Christianity aside for a moment.

Every religion and every spiritual, cultural, and philosophical position on this planet - including atheists - denounce sucide and see it as inherently wrong. From belief systems of indigenous cultures, and even pagan relgions (New Age, Wiccan, etc.) to philosophical practices of Buddhism and Taosim, and scientific positions of bioethics and psychology, and from every established religion on this planet whether it be Christianity or Islam or Hinudism, NONE - neither science nor religion - NONE support suicde. Somewhere within the heritage of our God-given souls, regardless of spiritual / religous disposition, we know this. We know this because it is God's commandment. And that's why every disposition supports this (whether they know it or not). This universal understanding is a testament to what God has inspired and desires us to know inherently.

Even in Catholicism - while we believe that suicides go to a purgatory place (not heaven, not hell) - its still a place that is "not-with-God". You wouldn't want to be there either.

Suicide is a disappointment to God - because God needs us to live our lives here. Earth is "school" for us. We have to go to school and learn so that we grow in wisdom to be worthy and wise for our entrance to heaven. Some people endure cancer, or death of a loved one, or they suffer from famine or disease like folks living in third-world countries. Some people endure political persecution, children in Rwanda and the Sudan run for their lives while their parents get blown to death. Children in the Middle East watch their parents die in front of them from wars. Children taking care of children. I can go on and on ... why do we endure such trials? Why? Only God has the answer to this. But there is a reason. Somewhere within the madness of this school system of earth's life lessons, there is something to be gained. To play hookey from school means we are rejecting God's will for us. And it is God's will that we remain here until He decides when its time for us to graduate. See?

I know you are in pain. And I know that what you need more than anything is love. That time will come for you - and as I mentioned before, it will arrive once God knows you are ready.

Take courage, my friend. And know that God is your Father. He is your parent - and He NEEDS you to plant your feet firmly in the ground, follow the lessons of life with perseverance, and contribute your beautiful self to this earth. Because you have much to give. Stay the course, and He shall deliver you what you seek.

"Dear Jesus, please help guide Munh towards the peace and understanding he needs." Amen. Jesus is right there beside you helping you every step of the way. And He loves you so. And He is so very proud of you.

I'm sorry you are in pain (((Hugs)). I will pray for you. Love, Winter

 

[lorne j]

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