I'm sick being a Christian

RubiesFire1382 said:

SaintMarco said:

I'm afraid I can't delete that link. If it has to be a stumbling block for Christians, then so be it I'm afraid. I guess that's just fate.[/qoute]

Fate is fate, but Destiny is Higher than fate.



Even the greatest of sinners, worse than you have turned around and have become a child of God.
I am actually believing that this is something else, maybe this has nothing to do with Spirituality at all. The thing is your probably seeking "Satanism" because you want to feel as though you belong in a crowd of people who will accept you for who you are-even though us Christians are not accepting the idea of Satanism, you don't want to be in a group with Christians. People give me a nickname- Bible Thumper- it's their insult towards me, but hey I love it. I take humility for Jesus everday. So if you join Satanism, you would think, this feels cool, I am in a crowd of people who love and respect on what I do. The thing is I am not that much older than you, however, God has given me great wisdom for my age. I was 19 not that long ago, but I went through a two year of darkness, when I was 17 and 18. I am going to admit this for the very first time in my life- I thought Satan was cool. I rebelled against God. I hated everything of Good, and I don't know why I turned away from Jesus but I remember saying this to Jesus one night, "Jesus, I am letting you go. I don't want you in my life right now, maybe another time." I was happy that I was free, well so I thought. Months passed and I felt something happening to me, I was becoming dark inside my heart, I felt my soul turning ugly. This is something SaintMarco you don't want to feel. I ignored the feelings but deep inside I had pain, anger, frustration, and saddness. I tried praying to God, but the sound of prayer made me sick inside.So I would stop. I once even threw the Bible against the wall when I was 17. Any message of God made me angry or hateful, even sick. A year and half later I asked spoke to Jesus once again and I asked him, "Please can you show me what my soul looks like inside." Few days later I had a dream where I saw something that made me seek God once more, I saw my soul. This is what happens when someone does not repent or falls away from God, and I thank Jesus for showing me this, if you ever saw the movie the Exorcist, let me tell you, my soul made that movie look like Goody Goody Gum Drops, my soul made me scream when I got to see it. My soul was becoming evil, my soul's image itself would scare those who could of seen it. This is what Satan wanted. I remember waking up and shaking, my heart was racing, nothing could calm, but yet I stayed that way for another six months. My family never saw this, I kept this hidden beneath smiles and laughs, but deep inside I was dead inside, After my family moved, I began turning myself around, I begged Jesus to come back into my life, I was begging him to forgive my sins, because I was afraid. I kept hearing Demons in my room when I was a teenager, because I gave Jesus up. How much I begged and cried for Jesus. I fell to the floor in my bedroom and cried. I yelled out his name, anything you could think of I tried to get his attention. I wanted Jesus back so much that I would of died for his love. This is very hard for me to write, because I am reflecting on my past, and this is making me cry, because what I did. That night I felt the glorious presence of Jesus with me in a dream, he took my soul in my dream and I could only remember him saying to me was, "Your sins are forgiven," and he took my soul into a bright light. That morning I woke up a very different person, my soul could breath like freash air of a country morning. Yet my body was very weak. My body was weak for three days, but my Soul was very alive and clean. I never returned to be that person again, that experience ended when I was 18. I am now going to be 24 soon, and when I look back I cherish what Jesus has done for me all my life. I put him first now, even though sometimes I still fall, every Christian does, we get back on our feet. We carry our Cross and we demonstrate our love for Jesus. I love talking about him, he is my number one love. I am actually getting a degree to teach children about Jesus. Even though SaintMarco this is not Satanism, I am giving a little dose of what can happen to you if you abandon Christ for Satanism. I did not even give you my full experience of my letting go of Jesus. If you join Satanism, your soul is going to scream like mine did, your life will be going around in circles, and then one day everything is going to come crashing down all at once, then what?? I don't think you want to experience what I went through!! Like I said this was just a dose of my experience, not the full blown story. This was all because I dropped Jesus because I didn't want to be apart of Christianity ever again, I wanted to become an Atheist. Well look where I am today. I am a Christian once again and I am proud that I am. I cannot speak for you, but your own soul is going to speak for/to you when that time comes. So please rethink your decision, I don't want you to suffer how I did. Even though this is not about Satanism, I want you to understand the punishment your soul is going to be taking when the flesh makes the wrong decision in life.

Godbless.

Rubies

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I know what you mean about feeling your soul becoming darker. Not a nice feeling.

Part of wanting to be a Satanist might be to do with belonging. I've never fitted in to anything really. I always thought Satanism would suit me perfectly, and that I would be one of the best. It's not about rebelling against God, although a few weeks ago I spat into the pages of my bible..

I learned some interesting facts about Anton Lavey today. Lying sod that he was...

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WalksWithChrist said:

Only speaking for myself...I was pretty dumb at 19! But you're right about generalizing. ; ) I've met plenty of grown people who change their minds like changing their socks.

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mikeforjesus said:

From
The Life of Repentance
and Purity
BY
His Holiness Pope Shenouda III
http://tasbeha.org/content/hh_books/Repentan/index.html

Do Not Despair.
At this point, I remember a letter which I received
from a youth 22 years ago.
When I read it I was deeply affected by it to the stage that I
wept. I replied to his letter, in which I said to him: `I have
received your letter, O beloved brother, and I imagined that I
had read it many times before I had actually seen it, it is the
picture of a life that I know, and the story of many hearts'.
Yes, it is a war which tires many. Its thoughts are known, and
repeated in the people's confessions and in their spiritual
questions. Here we will try to deal and answer each of these
thoughts about despair.
A.
The first complaint: I have lost hope. I am useless.
Know my brother, that every thought of despair, is warfare
from the devil. He wants you to despair from repentance, either
from its capabilities or its acceptance, so that you feel that there
is no use in struggling and you give in to sin and remain in it
until your soul perishes. So do not listen to the devil, no matter
what he says to you. When you are struggling with one of the
thoughts of despair, answer it with the saying of Micah the
prophet:
"Do not rejoice over me, my enemy; When I fall, I
will arise" (Mic7:8).
Know that if you despair from repentance, that this is more
dangerous than falling into sin. Through despair Judas perished
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and died. Despair leads into deeper involvement in sin and the
sinner progresses from bad to worse. In despair the devil battles
with the sinner to keep him away from his Confession Father,
from every spiritual advice and from all of the church, so that he
will be alone with him, leaving the sinner without any help. The
prophets and saints were in warfare with the battle of despair,
and so the prophet David said:
"Many are they who say of me, there is no help for
him in God" (Ps 3). He answers this saying: "But You, O
Lord, are a shield for me, My glory and the One who lifts up
my head" (Ps 3:3). David did not despair at his falling but he
wept for it and repented. So God returned him to his original
rank. God performed many good things for numerous people
and He said: "For the sake of My servant David" (1 Kin
11:32,34,36). So do not despair but remember those who
previously repented.
If you have lost hope in yourself, the Lord has not
lost hope in your salvation.
He has saved many and you are not more difficult than all of
them. When grace works in you, there is no room for despair.
Enter into repentance with a courageous heart and do not
belittle yourself.
B.
He says: `How can I repent while I am completely
unable to arise from my fall?'
Do not be afraid. God will fight for you, for the battle is the
Lord's (1 Sam 17:47). Your resistance, whether it is weak or
strong is not important. God can save with much or with little.
35
God is more powerful than the devil who fights with you and
He can drive the devil away. So do not look at your power, but
at the power of God. Cry and say if you allow me, I will repent
for you are the Lord my God (Jer 31:18).
C.
You will say: `My state has deteriorated immensely
and has lost hope'.
Can you see that it has lost hope, more than the barren woman
to whom the Lord said: "Sing, O barren, You who have not
borne..." (Is 54:1)? He gave her more than the other that had
children. Your state seems to have lost hope from your point of
view, but as for God, He has hope in you.
Do not place your hope according to your state, but to
the richness of God, who gives in abundance, and in His love
and ability.
D.
You will say: `But I do not want repentance or strive
for it'.
Of course, this is the worst part of your state, but still do not
despair. It is enough that God is striving for your salvation. He
wishes for your salvation. The prayers of many saints are raised
for your sake along with the pleadings of angels. God can make
you want this repentance. Remember the saying of the apostle:
"for it is God who works in you both to will and to do for His
good pleasure" (Phil 2:13). Just pray and say, `Please God,
give me the desire to repent'. The lost sheep was not searching
for the way back, but it was its owner who searched for it and
returned it to himself. A similar situation occurred with the lost
coin (Luke 15).
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E.
You may say: `Is it possible for me to live the rest of
my life away from sin, even though my heart loves it? If I
were to repent from it, I will return back to it'.
The error is that the devil makes you think in despair that you
will live in repentance with the same heart that loves sin. On the
contrary, the Lord will give you a new heart (Ezek 36:25). He
will remove from you the love of sin, and you will not think
about returning to it. But on the contrary, in your repentance,
God will make you hate sin and be disgusted with it. Your
present feelings will change.
F.
You will say: `Even if I repent, my thoughts will
remain stained by old visions'.
Do not be afraid. In repentance, God will purify your thoughts.
You will reach "the renewal of mind", in which the apostle
spoke about (Rom 12:2). How many bad visions were in the
memories of Augustine and Mary the Egyptian? The Lord
erased these visions so that their minds would be sanctified by
His love. Be certain that those who returned to repentance,
were in a more powerful state. Many of them received from the
Lord virtues and miracles. For example, Jacob the struggler,
Mary the Niece of Abraham and Mary the Egyptian. The love of
the repentant is greater, just as the sinner woman who loved
much, because He forgave her for much (Luke 7:47). David
also in his repentance was deeper in his love and humbleness.
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G. You will say: `Will God forgive me? Will He accept me?'.
Be at ease, for He says, "the one who comes to Me, I will by no
means cast out" (John 6:37).
David the prophet said: "He has not dealt with us according to
our sins, nor punished us according to our iniquities....As far
as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our
transgressions from us....For He knows our frame, He
remembers that we are dust" (Ps 103). He doesn't only
accept us, but He washes us and we become whiter than snow
(Ps 50).
He does not again remember our sins (Jer 31:34), (Ezek 33:16,
Heb 8:12). Remember that your soul is precious to God, for its
sake, He incarnated and was crucified.
H.
You will say: `But my sins are very disgusting'.
I will answer you with the saying of the Bible: "every sin and
blasphemy will be forgiven men" (Matt 12:31). Even those
who left the faith and then returned to it, God forgave them.
Similarly those who fell into heresies and then repented, were
forgiven. Peter who denied Christ, swearing and cursing, saying
"I do not know the man", was also forgiven. Not only this, but
he was returned to his rank of pastoral care and apostleship.
Even those who were in a position of leadership, for
example, Aaron the chief priest, who shared with the people of
Israel, in making the golden calf to worship (Ex 32:2-5), was
forgiven when he repented. The Lord rebuked the devil for the
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sake of Joshua the great priest and clothed him with a new
garment (Zech 3:1-4).
I.
You will say: `But I have delayed too long and so is
there still a chance?'
Augustine said in his confessions: `I have delayed too long in
your love', but the Lord accepted him. He accepted those of the
eleventh hour, and gave them the same reward (Matt 20:9). He
accepted the right hand thief on the cross, during the last hours
of his life. As long as we are in the flesh, then there is a chance
for repentance. We say in the prayer before sleeping: `Repent
therefore, O my soul, so long as you dwell on earth', because
hope in repentance will not be eliminated except in the abyss
(hell), just as our father Abraham said to the rich man,
"between us and you there is a great gulf fixed" (Luke
16:26). So long as you are in the flesh, there is an opportunity
for repentance, so take it.
J.
You will say: `I am frightened that my sin could be a
blasphemy to the Holy Spirit'.
I say to you, that blasphemy to the Holy Spirit is a continual
complete refusal, throughout life, of all the work of the Holy
Spirit in the heart, and so there will be no repentance or
forgiveness. If you repent, then you have responded to the work
of the Spirit in you, and your sin will not be a blasphemy to the
Spirit *

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