I wasn’t sure how to phrase my true situation because I felt I would get condemned so sorry for the cryptic-ness.
Everyday I realize more and more just how bad I was and I feel immense guilt. I know what I need to do to repent. I know I need to confess to those who I’ve caused offense to and hurt, and face the consequences, however I’m very scared to. I’m scared because I still feel that in my situation I might die- it may sound silly but it isn’t. I have committed so many offenses in my life and sinned with knowledge of truth. There are many things I want to achieve and do in my life especially repenting. I definitely regret the way I lived but I have no excuse before god because I had knowledge of truth and chose to still reject god later on. I’ve become like one of the bad seeds. I really want to start over, completely but I feel god is done with me. I remember all those times he showed me mercy and I took it for granted because now I’m in enmity of god. I read the book of Romans and what it says about reprobates and it aligns a lot with my life. I don’t even have a good reason for rebelling against god in the first place I just wanted to entertain my sins and now I regret it. I find that I’m also stuck in this slavery to sin, even at times that I don’t want to be. I’ve always disobeyed god and my parents and I’ve always been curious for the wrong things. In my culture that’s what’s considered a cursed person and I definitely feel cursed. I do want to be held accountable and change and I wouldn’t even mind suffering or chastisement from god I just really fear dying and facing those who I’ve caused serious harm to. I’ve also been revealed ti my pastor which has made me realize a lot- it’s definitely given me more incentive to do the right thing but it showed me that even as I’m willing to face the consequences, I’m still scared to. I don’t see any redemption for myself but I know that I need to do the right thing nonetheless.
Totally agree with all advice given thus far. Just a bit of added comfort and to restate very important aspects to consider in the challenges made to you.
I'm presuming that you have previously received Jesus as your Savior and Lord and are seeking to return from a backslidden state...
"I don’t see any redemption for myself".
There is your core problem. Blunt question - have you been under self-condemnation long enough now that you are ready to allow God His throne back and to be your Judge AND your Redeemer?
Because the enemy would just love to keep you shackled in your present condition, as your own judge and jury. It's one of the games he plays for his amusement and from his intense hatred of God's children. It is the ENEMY who accuses and curses - not God. God convicts and sets FREE.
Consider again the prodigal son parable presented. The son came to his senses about his sin (as you have). He repented, recognizing that what God calls sin is in fact sin (as it certainly appears you have in your willingness to be disciplined, in your hunger to be cleansed).
Good news then...
Matthew 5:6 ESV
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."
Who do you think gives you that hunger and thirst? It isn't you, and it isn't me, by our own efforts or will.
So see, the Lord is not as far away from you as you think. In fact, He is intimately close, even within!
Resume parable: The prodigal then makes the best possible decision - he turns from that sin to go home to the Loving Father - even though the son himself felt unworthy of forgiveness and restoration because - note closely - he still FELT dirty. He still felt embarrassed and humiliated.
By contrast, what is the point of view of the Loving Father? For one, He was on His porch watching and yearning for his son's return the whole time he was gone - even while the son was wallowing in the worst of his sin.
Next, when was the Loving Father's heart moved with compassion toward him? When He saw his son returning to Him - and for no other reason. Because despite all the fleshly grime, He could see His SON. The son He made a covenant with.
Just as God makes with all of His children.
What then? Did He stand there waiting immobile expecting the son to crawl through shards of broken glass in perpetual penitence, or detour first to all those he had sinned against to secure their forgiveness first or make some kind of restitution? No.
The Father ran TO him just as he was. Pretty consistent behavior of One Whose #1 Son died for us.
When He got to the prodigal, did He command His servants to bathe all the pig filth off of him, trim his hair and beard and clip his nails and wash his clothes to make him presentable? No.
The Father embraced him just as he was. Even kissed him!
The son then makes another good move, followed by a critical error.
He confesses that he has sinned against God and heaven - excellent, that's evidence of a broken and contrite heart toward God, true godly repentance in full - but then concludes by telling his father that he is no longer worthy to be his son.
Uh, nope.
The Father doesn't even bother refuting the son's contention, but demonstrates the son's worthiness (by virtue of the Father's own righteousness imputed to him) - by doing this and before all witnesses - dressing him in the best robe, placing His own signet ring on his finger (granting him the authority to represent the Father in His affairs), and placing sandals on his feet (a privilege granted only to family members, not mere servants). And then kill the fattened calf and having a hootenanny!
Why? Why did the Father do this? Because it is the Father, and NO ONE else (not even ourselves OR the older brother or anyone else) Who grants him his IDENTITY.
And Who protects his, and our, identity Himself here and for all of eternity.
Look at King David. God stated before all of the events of his life why He chose him as king, declared his identity and promised him eternal security and blessings through his line, told him what He would do when David sinned (even gross costly sins against God, his family, and his nation), and promised him he would be restored and God would accomplish all of His purpose for him and his line.
Nothing that David did was a surprise to God beforehand, and nothing that David did was able to thwart God's plan - which FAR outreached the life of David himself on this earth. Our God is an awesome God!
Alessa, we were all bought at a very high price. The true legitimate and only begotten Son Jesus purchased us Himself, so that we are and will always be legitimate adopted sons and daughters forever. It is the very One Who purchased us Who promises to never leave us nor forsake us, Who promises us that NO ONE can snatch us from His hands, Who even stands before God as our Advocate and High Priest when we do sin, Who Himself leaves the 99 to find us and bring us back into the fold.
You aren't where you are spiritually, by accident. He's drawing you to Himself. As to our identity,
to do anything other than to believe what He says is to, frankly, insult His sacrifice and regard His promises as anything less than sacred. HE is the Covenant Keeper.
I totally understand how incredibly frightening all those Scriptures are that look just like us, who have backslidden so badly, that imply either that we cannot be restored, or that we weren't ever really saved. When I was being drawn back to the Lord those Scriptures ate my sack lunch!
Here's how God resolved the issue for me. It is my sincerest prayer that He will do the same for you. Seek Him daily no matter what, and I promise He will.
For one, note something in the account of the devil's temptations of Christ. Satan was quoting Scripture to the very Author of Scripture Himself! This encounter reveals that it is Jesus Himself Who not only interprets Scripture, but Who decides what Scripture applies to what situation, what Scripture NO LONGER applies to us, and in a seeming tie - reveals that one has supremacy over another for the moment (even while all harmonize), all according to HIS authority and not ours. He alone has the capacity to do so, as Scripture states that all wisdom is God's alone.
Jesus is a Person, who serves in many capacities, not just as the written Word. If you're saved, you have the very Person of the Holy Spirit within you, and ready to guide your person into all truth.
So considering this, my advice is to do what He lead me to do - seek re-affirmation for my identity in Him before and above anything else. How? Stop studying the endless debates by theologians and Bible scholars and go directly to the Author Himself in fervent and unceasing prayer (sin and all). Take all the scary verses versus the promises directly to Him. Don't hold back on any doubts or fears, open it all up before Him. I will tell you, it thrills Jesus for us to go to Him directly with FAITH that when He has us ready, He will speak, and we will hear - to our very depths.
It just happens to be His promise. After all is said and done, THIS is what you can expect from Him as His final and supreme proof. You will hear Him declare it so - face to face. How?
Read Romans 8. And note this one line in particular:
Romans 8:16 NIV
"The Spirit himself testifies with our spirit that we are God’s children."
There is your authority to claim it for yourself. ANYbody else's opinion is void in comparison to what He says to us Himself. Though it may seem trite to say, Jesus definitely desires to have a personal relationship with us - for this and a plethora of other reasons - so that we also will hear and follow Him into obedience, with His stated goal to bear much fruit through us, fruit that REMAINS - our true treasure in Heaven.
How is He preparing you for such profound confirmation? I have no idea. We are all unique with our own journeys, all of which He uses with us and through us. All I can say, along with all my brothers and sisters here, is that you will recognize His voice. And you will be in awe that He made Romans 8:16 come alive for you - bathing you in His presence.
I would like to finally include my response to Him, when all doubt had melted away. And His final Word to me on the matter. I do this in case you have any misgiving left as to whether it could ever happen to you (you know, like the notion that this guy just doesn't know how badly I sinned and became an enemy of God).
After my face-to-face assurance from Him that I am His son, I let it sink in and then asked Him this:
"Why God, why? After all I've done to your Name, and to all the people you gave me to love, why do you still want me?"
His answer:
Romans 9:15-16 ESV
"For He says to Moses, “I will have mercy on whomever I will have mercy, and I will have compassion on whomever I will have compassion.” So then
it is not of him who wills, nor of him who runs, but of God who shows mercy."
Why did God choose you and me and all His children? Because God is sovereign, and He does whatever pleases Him. He answers to NO ONE because He is Holy and Good. So when He says something to our spirits, we just better believe it! THERE, my friend, is the joy of the Holy Spirit!
Praying fervently for you and always available for encouraging you in your journey. God bless!
