Im really suffering

[drummingman]

Im really suffering in my life. I spend 90% of my time fending off lies and bad thoughts. These lies and bad thoughts dont come non-stop thank God, but they do come a lot. When i get confused enough to where i cant tell if i have sinned or made a mistake and i give in its like im getting knocked off of my feet onto my kness. Then i have to battle to get back on my feet. This process happenes over and over again in my life and causes me great suffering.

There are a number of ways that this happenes, such as: a thought that i will come into my mind that i have sinned by thinking something bad. A lot of the times i, with the Lords help i am able to not believe the thought. I then move on untill something else comes into my mind. This happens over and over again until i get confused to where i either think that i really sinned by thinking something bad or im not sure if i have to the point that i cant fend it off. Then i have to figure it out. This can mean either talking to myself about it either trying to convince myself that i have not sinned or striving to hold on to a truth that the Lord has told me, that i dont have to dwell on my sins and mistakes and that its ok to think about and do other things wihtout dwelling on my sins and mistakes. When these things dont fix the problem what i usually do is talk with my mom to ask her if she thinks that i have sinned or made a mistake by what i have thought and what she thinks i should do about it if i have or have not. This can be when the ocd gets real bad. I start getting hammed with bad thoughts when im asking her these things and when im talking with her. I start feeling like i have to say things over again or that i have to start what i was saying over to cancel out the bad thoughts in order for what i am saying to not be made null an void. Or i may not complete a word and i feel like i have to say it again or start over or what im saying will be made null and void. Or i may get angry when saying the things that im saying and i will get it into my mind that i got mad at the Lord and then i feel like i sinned. This will make me feel like i have sinned and i feel like i have to start what i was saying over again. These are just a few of the things that can happen when im self talking or talking with my mom. There are a number of other things that can happen when self talking or talking to my mom. But the effects are always the same.

The problem is that this cycle of battling off lies that i have sinned or made a mistake and bad thoughts happens a lot. And when i get confused into either believing that i have sinned or made a mistake or im not sure if i have committed a sin or mistake i either self talk or talk with my mom. Either way the same things can happen that make me have to repeat things over and over again that i am saying that makes me feel like if i dont i cant believe what i have told myself or to where it makes me feel like i cant except the answer that my mom gives me.

The cycle always starts out the same, i either get it into my mind that i have sinned or made a mistake or i feel like i have sinned or made a mistake. With the Lords help i can fend it off or i am to weak to do so. The i either self talk or talk with my mom. When i am able to fend it off with the Lords help its like im staying on my feet.When i am not able to fend it off its like im getting knocked to my knees. When i am knocked to my kness is when it is the worst. At that point the battle can because very hard on me. It can cause me major anguish, depression, anger and pain. I still go through these things when i dont get knocked off of my feet as well, but not to as great as a degree as when i do get knocked off of my feet. This has been the cycle that i have been in for awhile.

The problem is that i always eventually get knocked off of my feet onto my knees. It may not happen for a number of hours, 4 or 6 or 8, but it always happens. then im back in the worst part of my struggles and suffering.

This whole cycle causes me great depression and suffering and anger. I dont know what to do. I desperately want to get better from my ocd, and i strive with everything in me to do so (sometimes the right ways and sometime the wrong ways im sure). I feel that i do my best at least 99% of the time if not 100% of the time. But i always end up knocked back to my knees by my ocd. What can i do about this?

Please help me if you can. Thanks and God bless.

 

[Everlasting33]

drummingman,

Its so tough because I would love to say the perfect thing for you to feel better..I am sure any of us would. I know you have struggled with this for most of your life and its really the only way you know how to feel, act, think.

And its so difficult because you believe the ocd and thus it only makes it stronger. My heart goes out to you, drummingman. I wish you weren't in the pain and anguish that you find yourself in. It's tough to feel like you can do nothing for people and you wish you could!

What I do know is that nothing is impossible with God and if you truly want to overcome anything, God will give you the strength/means possible. I believe that the most persistent wins...you can agree to this, right? Your thoughts are so persistent in a negative way, just think of the peace if you were persistent with positive thoughts?

Its easy for us strangers to say encouraging things...we are not exactly in your shoes. But most of us on the mental health board know a thing or two about struggling against ourselves and we lend our compassion, empathy, and prayer to those who also battle.

To let go, you have power. Practice, practice, practice letting go. While some of it may be chemically influenced, you have the ability to do so much good.

Like my signature says, we can because we think we can.

 

[drummingman]

Whats do you mean by "let go"?

 

[Everlasting33]

Have you examined your need to self-condemn by means of OCD?

Your bad thoughts stick because you resist. I have heard this saying "what you resist persists."

Letting go means" To release from or as if from confinement" (websters)

I have recognized that when I do not care that I have a bad thought, it simply goes away. When I do not associate it with shame/guilt/condemnation, it vanishes. But, if I think, "I cannot believe I thought that. Am I sick? How can God love me? I've sinned and I cannot stop. what happens if I keep thinking this?" Then all the anxiety and stress come full force and I cannot let go.

Positive affirmations (especially before bed) can encourage change. "I release the need to think about "_____"

It takes time but it has helped me in some of my struggles with OCD.

Lots of practice.

 

[drummingman]

I am not sure of i am self condeming. I just feel like it may be me that is sinning and making mistakes all the time. The way it works for me is that i feel like i have sinned or made a mistake and the cycle starts. I battle it off with all that i have in me but it is very hard. Im battling right now with something and its cauing me a lot of suffering. Im battling against it with all that i have in me, im striving not to get decived, im doing all i can. But im being attacked in a huge way. Its playing off of my fears. How can i let something like that go?

I don't choose to bring these things into my mind, they just come with force. And once they come its almost impossible to not think about them. They do get less with time at times if i can resist them long enough.

Please dont think that I'm hollering at you or being rude to you in anyway. Im really not. Im just in a battle right now which is causing me pain. It can be so very hard to hold onto the truth when my mind is be lambasted with lies.

 

[OCDyeahyouknowme]

It can be real difficult having ocd, and trying to follow the Lord. But one thing that I have noticed is that, these thoughts make our minds “clustered” and therefore we can not think clearly nor tell what is real reality. And when we feel these “anxieties” our mind does not let them go cause we think that there could be a possibility that these thoughts or feelings may be from God. But as we clearly know from scripture, these thoughts that make us feel this way is not from God. I have noticed in my personal life, I try to get a “mental” picture of God, or what the “mental” picture of what salvation is or looks like. But it wasn’t until I stopped believing, and still learning how to, what my mind says or thinks, but what the Word of God says. If a thought comes to my mind, I must test the thought, by comparing it to scripture. And I must also understand that the process of following Christ is done over a lifetime and will never be perfected. The bible says we are totally depraved human beings, therefore there is no sin that we can say that we would never do, even as a Christian, cause we will eventually fail. But as soon as we fail, we feel convicted, that is God convicting us, but its not our job to try to think about hating the sin enough, or try to feel more convicted. We just acknowledge that we have done it, and go to a quiet place and confess it to God. Don’t freak out about having to “hurry” up and confess it. Now we should keep a short account with God, but I sometimes feel that if I don’t hurry up and confess it, something bad might happen, or that I might not really feel convicted of the sin. But its just about us humbling our self, and when God shows us our sin and our failures, satan trys to make us to “do better” or freak out in our minds. But God allows us to see these failures so that we will cling to Christ and His righteousness. Believing God loves us on the bases of Jesus, absolutely nothing that we could do , but by Jesus!

Im sorry for rambling a little bit. I hope it helps some. I will be praying for you my dear friend. I know what you are going through.

J. Grimm

 

[drummingman]

"But one thing that I have noticed is that, these thoughts make our minds “clustered” and therefore we can not think clearly nor tell what is real reality. And when we feel these “anxieties” our mind does not let them go cause we think that there could be a possibility that these thoughts or feelings may be from God"

Man this is dead on for me a lot of the times. I get real confused in my mind as to where the thoughts are coming from. I'm battling with things striving to confuse me as i type this.

Another battle that i go through is that i will get it into my mind that it is wrong to do something that it is not wrong to do. With the Lords help i am always able to push through and do the thing. But there are times before i push though or while im pushing through that i will get it into my mind that its wrong to push through or that its wrong that im pushing through. At times in these situations if i go ahead and push through or if i keep on pushing through once i have pushed through it will come into my mind that i did something wrong. I dont believe that these thoughts and feelings are true, in fact i believe that it is the Lord that helps me to push through and that helps me to keep pushing through. But i will get attacked on it after i have pushed through. I believe that its just one more way that my ocd tell messes with me.

 

[Everlasting33]

I am not sure of i am self condeming. I just feel like it may be me that is sinning and making mistakes all the time. The way it works for me is that i feel like i have sinned or made a mistake and the cycle starts. I battle it off with all that i have in me but it is very hard. Im battling right now with something and its cauing me a lot of suffering. Im battling against it with all that i have in me, im striving not to get decived, im doing all i can. But im being attacked in a huge way. Its playing off of my fears. How can i let something like that go?

I don't choose to bring these things into my mind, they just come with force. And once they come its almost impossible to not think about them. They do get less with time at times if i can resist them long enough.

Please dont think that I'm hollering at you or being rude to you in anyway. Im really not. Im just in a battle right now which is causing me pain. It can be so very hard to hold onto the truth when my mind is be lambasted with lies.

Do you believe you have a choice in whether your thoughts stay or go?

What would happen if you thought of sinning and said, "I am going to let this thought go. It has no power over me." What feelings come when you think of this?

 

[annrobert]

Drummingman,
I am sorry you are suffering.
Condemnation usually brings much suffering and anguish and is heavy and hard to bear.
It can chain us and keep us from living fulfilling and happy and free lives.
It cannot make us grown in Jesus.

We are all sinners.

Jesus has mercy and forgiveness and cleansing for all of us.
Jesus gives us freedom and makes us whole and makes all things new and Jesus
makes us grow as we trust Him and call on Him
As we abide in Jesus we grow.
Jesus is full of mercy and compassion and long suffering.
We are not perfect.
The more we understand that Jesus loves us and forgives us and protects us and has mercy on us and cares for us the more free we are and the more we love Jesus.
We can trust Jesus to change us and make us grow.
Condemnation can not do that.
Jesus is our Saviour and teacher and Good Shepherd.



John 3:17
For God sent not his Son into the world to condemn the world; but that the world through him might be saved.

Mark 2:17
When Jesus heard it, he saith unto them, They that are whole have no need of the physician, but they that are sick: I came not to call the righteous, but sinners to repentance.



Luke 19:10
For the Son of man is come to seek and to save that which was lost.


Romans 9
30What shall we say then? That the Gentiles, which followed not after righteousness, have attained to righteousness, even the righteousness which is of faith.

31But Israel, which followed after the law of righteousness, hath not attained to the law of righteousness.
32Wherefore? Because they sought it not by faith, but as it were by the works of the law. For they stumbled at that stumblingstone; 33As it is written, Behold, I lay in Sion a stumblingstone and rock of offence: and whosoever believeth on Him(Jesus) shall not be ashamed.

Psalm 109:31
For he shall stand at the right hand of the poor, to save him from those that condemn his soul.

blessings
annrobert

 

[drummingman]

Do you believe you have a choice in whether your thoughts stay or go?

What would happen if you thought of sinning and said, "I am going to let this thought go. It has no power over me." What feelings come when you think of this?

It seems that at times i have a chioce as to whether the thoughts stay or go. I usually drive them from my mind in some way and if i dont do that a lot of the times i will feel like i wanted the bad thoughts and that im responsible for the thoughts.

Im not sure how i would feel about letting the thought that i would be sinning go. If the thought about me sinning is not true that would make it easier to let the thought go. But if i was not sure if the thought is true or not then it could make letting the thought go very hard.

Thanks Ann for your post. You always have very encouraging things to say.