zingiber
Post nubila, Phoebus
CATY – Of course Your OCD doesn’t feel like OCD; it is taking place inside your own brain! That is why you are always wondering if it is OCD , while we who read your posts are sure it is. I can see your OCD clearly, but, by the same token, it is difficult for me to recognise my own. I find mine terrifying, but my father actually laughed the first few times I talked to him (before he realised how real it is to me). He couldn't understand what my problem was. My pastor didn't laugh, but thought that my problem was no problem! It shows how perspective changes things: we see life through OCD coloured glasses - others don't have this added filter for reality. That is why I am content to trust and follow other peoples' knowledge and advice even though they are human.
As an illustration of the feeling of reality of OCD, consider all those with contamination obsessions: they are utterly convinced that, for example, they may get sick from touching a public toilet seat, despite the obvious illogicality of it – I know all about contamination obsessions. I myself was convinced that if I didn’t drink water before bed, the house would burn down during the night. If I didn’t shut the curtains, aliens would kidnap me. The thing is, I knew that the thoughts were ridiculous, but I still doubted: ‘Maybe it is true?’, and I was convinced against strong evidence to the contrary that the thoughts were true. I don’t know whether you ever had the ‘ordinary thoughts’ or whether your first contact with OCD was scrupulosity, but I know that scrupulosity was simply a logical extension of OCD into my faith. The only difference is that you can’t help yourself by doing ERP, so you can’t gain objective evidence of the falsity of the obsessions. For example, I had to leave the curtains open at night to prove that aliens wouldn’t kidnap me: however, you can’t test whether you will go to hell after doing a certain thing; you are dealing with the Bible - words! And words can be interpreted different ways, so that you can never be sure that the interpretation you have is right, so there is more opportunity for it to attack. Now any sane person can tell that you that your thoughts are false and that they are not yours – it is your own brain that convinces you that the obsessions are (A) Possibly true, and (B) Your own. You can’t do ERP on religious obsessions: this is why I am constantly advising you to ignore the thoughts, and wait to see why they are wrong till after they have been beaten. If it is difficult to beat ‘normal’ obsessions, it is even more so to beat religious ones!
Now, I know I always say this (because I hope it is helpful!) but I completely understand what you are thinking and feeling - all of it. That last post sounds so much like me. But what I can tell you is that that is NO PROBLEM! Am I just an angry person who has evil thoughts and is afraid of hell? Well, yes - kind of! Is it my OCD? Yes - maybe! Does it matter either way? NO! Jesus paid for all our sins - who cares whether I am a shivering OCDer or a hardened sinner? He has paid for our sins - we are free. We are free! Can you imagine the glory of that? You don't need to worry about all of this. Even in the midst of fear, there is comfort to be had in knowing that there is someone who has us in his hand, and if we could know him as he is, we would have no reason to fear. I wish I could show the wonder of God and the wonder of his salvation with words, but I can't. I can't even pretend that I see it clearly myself; I have only glimpses of glory, and see only split-seconds of splendour. But I know, and you should know, that now we see darkly as in mirror - one day we shall see face to face. OCD is just part of what clouds our vision. But one day, all that stops us seeing clearly will vanish and we will know that God is good.
Sorry if this didn't help. I meant well - I am trying to point you towards our Lord, and get you out of your introverted thinking. Please try to follow this advice, though I so often fail to keep it myself! By the way, my tactics come from Job, a book from which I have received great encouragement and hope. Try reading it in one go; it is refreshing and entertaining (sort of). I have found it a real help. It goes like this: Job is struck with calamities innumerable. He also has unhelpful friends with bad advice. He is stuck in his lowly frame of mind, his selfish thoughts, his earthly way of thinking through the whole nook, grappling with God’s character and his problems. Then, at the end of the book, God bursts in: 'Job, who cares about all of that? Look at this, and this, and this and THIS! Don't you see who I am?’. God poured out his greatness before the eyes of Job's mind, and Job was floored, stunned. He knew then that he had spoken impetuously, and he was humbled. He spoke no more. Read it - in essence, he was just worshiping. Who can do otherwise when they really meet God? The point is, looking at God puts our fears and our problems in perspective.
Again - the advice boils down to just forgetting yourself and your thoughts and then remembering God and his son Jesus and his miraculous salvation for us. I am trying to multiply words to show you the way, because it seems that you are stuck in a rut (I completely understand this; I am in one of my own at the moment!). One more thing – even those without OCD still get stuck thinking about themselves – their fears, their sins, their failings. We are all the same, Caty, and the only way out is to trust in Jesus and put our focus on him.
By the way, even if we are to deny the possibility that your thoughts are OCD, it makes no difference! Both ways, it seems you are either misunderstanding or misinterpreting the verses you worry about. I don’t want to address the thoughts, because it will just encourage them, and because they have already been addressed. So anyway OCD or no, take hope!
May God help you to trust him.
As an illustration of the feeling of reality of OCD, consider all those with contamination obsessions: they are utterly convinced that, for example, they may get sick from touching a public toilet seat, despite the obvious illogicality of it – I know all about contamination obsessions. I myself was convinced that if I didn’t drink water before bed, the house would burn down during the night. If I didn’t shut the curtains, aliens would kidnap me. The thing is, I knew that the thoughts were ridiculous, but I still doubted: ‘Maybe it is true?’, and I was convinced against strong evidence to the contrary that the thoughts were true. I don’t know whether you ever had the ‘ordinary thoughts’ or whether your first contact with OCD was scrupulosity, but I know that scrupulosity was simply a logical extension of OCD into my faith. The only difference is that you can’t help yourself by doing ERP, so you can’t gain objective evidence of the falsity of the obsessions. For example, I had to leave the curtains open at night to prove that aliens wouldn’t kidnap me: however, you can’t test whether you will go to hell after doing a certain thing; you are dealing with the Bible - words! And words can be interpreted different ways, so that you can never be sure that the interpretation you have is right, so there is more opportunity for it to attack. Now any sane person can tell that you that your thoughts are false and that they are not yours – it is your own brain that convinces you that the obsessions are (A) Possibly true, and (B) Your own. You can’t do ERP on religious obsessions: this is why I am constantly advising you to ignore the thoughts, and wait to see why they are wrong till after they have been beaten. If it is difficult to beat ‘normal’ obsessions, it is even more so to beat religious ones!
Now, I know I always say this (because I hope it is helpful!) but I completely understand what you are thinking and feeling - all of it. That last post sounds so much like me. But what I can tell you is that that is NO PROBLEM! Am I just an angry person who has evil thoughts and is afraid of hell? Well, yes - kind of! Is it my OCD? Yes - maybe! Does it matter either way? NO! Jesus paid for all our sins - who cares whether I am a shivering OCDer or a hardened sinner? He has paid for our sins - we are free. We are free! Can you imagine the glory of that? You don't need to worry about all of this. Even in the midst of fear, there is comfort to be had in knowing that there is someone who has us in his hand, and if we could know him as he is, we would have no reason to fear. I wish I could show the wonder of God and the wonder of his salvation with words, but I can't. I can't even pretend that I see it clearly myself; I have only glimpses of glory, and see only split-seconds of splendour. But I know, and you should know, that now we see darkly as in mirror - one day we shall see face to face. OCD is just part of what clouds our vision. But one day, all that stops us seeing clearly will vanish and we will know that God is good.
Sorry if this didn't help. I meant well - I am trying to point you towards our Lord, and get you out of your introverted thinking. Please try to follow this advice, though I so often fail to keep it myself! By the way, my tactics come from Job, a book from which I have received great encouragement and hope. Try reading it in one go; it is refreshing and entertaining (sort of). I have found it a real help. It goes like this: Job is struck with calamities innumerable. He also has unhelpful friends with bad advice. He is stuck in his lowly frame of mind, his selfish thoughts, his earthly way of thinking through the whole nook, grappling with God’s character and his problems. Then, at the end of the book, God bursts in: 'Job, who cares about all of that? Look at this, and this, and this and THIS! Don't you see who I am?’. God poured out his greatness before the eyes of Job's mind, and Job was floored, stunned. He knew then that he had spoken impetuously, and he was humbled. He spoke no more. Read it - in essence, he was just worshiping. Who can do otherwise when they really meet God? The point is, looking at God puts our fears and our problems in perspective.
Again - the advice boils down to just forgetting yourself and your thoughts and then remembering God and his son Jesus and his miraculous salvation for us. I am trying to multiply words to show you the way, because it seems that you are stuck in a rut (I completely understand this; I am in one of my own at the moment!). One more thing – even those without OCD still get stuck thinking about themselves – their fears, their sins, their failings. We are all the same, Caty, and the only way out is to trust in Jesus and put our focus on him.
By the way, even if we are to deny the possibility that your thoughts are OCD, it makes no difference! Both ways, it seems you are either misunderstanding or misinterpreting the verses you worry about. I don’t want to address the thoughts, because it will just encourage them, and because they have already been addressed. So anyway OCD or no, take hope!
May God help you to trust him.
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