I'm pregnant and my husband doesn't want it

[YanaMarkova]

This is a bit of a long and complicated story. I am 22 years old, I live in Florida.
I met my husband a little over a year ago. At that time I had just found Christ again and was trying to start being a good Christian. I had given up adultery and did not want to have physical relations until marriage. When I met my husband, he told me he was a Christian also, but his actions didn't always show it. Well, I was very young in Christ and so I closed my eyes on most things thinking that I'm not perfect either. No matter how many times I told him that I do not want to do anything until marriage, it still would happen.
Well, we did get married. So that issue left. But when we got married, he didn't tell his father about it. He is from Nigeria, and his father was in Nigeria at the time with my husband's younger sister. My husband's mother died about 7 years ago.
I really wanted him to tell his father, but he didn't want to, so I let him do what he himself thought was right. But I didn't like the fact that he would lie to his father because it scared me that he would also be able to lie to me like that.
Well, eventually his father did find out. At the time we were both working for my parents and I was also studying. He wasn't studying, but he would work sometimes with me. Honestly, we didn't really do much. We were trying to work on his documents for him to get a green card, but we also didn't really put much effort into that either.
Well, a little before his father found out, I had convinced my husband for us to give our lives to Christ together and try to be good Christians. Specifically, I wanted us to pray more, to stop drinking and smoking, to read the Bible every day, and more things like that. At first, he didn't want to, but eventually, he agreed. So we did that. Then his father found out, or more that he guessed and my husband told him the truth.
So my husband would start smoking and drinking in secret, and I would find out by seeing bottles and stuff. I decided to start doing it with him because that would have been easier than knowing that he goes behind my back and lies to me. I really wanted to keep doing the right things, but the pain of him lying to me was very scary.
Well, about a week or so after that his father passed away. As soon as my husband found out, I borrowed money from my father to get him tickets to go to Nigeria to take care of everything. He said he doesn't know when he'd be coming back, that it could be years because he needs to take care of his sister and something with his father's business. So I decided that I would get a Visa and go to him as soon as I can.
Three weeks later I was in Nigeria and I even made it to the funeral.
Unfortunately, the very first day I arrived, his sister screamed at me saying that it was my fault that her father died.
Then things got worse. My husband didn't want us to tell anyone that we are married since his father didn't know and didn't tell anyone and it would hurt his father's honor, so he didn't even want us to wear our rings. He paid very minimal attention to me. He would want to get physical at night but during the day it was like I didn't exist most of the time. I tried to do everything I could, but people didn't even treat me with respect, and he didn't help me figure anything out, and I left it thinking he has a lot on his mind and it will be okay later.
It never got okay, it got worse. He never wanted to help me in any way and assumed that I should be okay just riding along with whatever was going on, even though I didn't know what was going on because I didn't speak the language and did not understand the culture. Things got worse after one time he left me on the street alone at night and drove away. The next day I figured that I am done and tried to get out. I got a covid test and was ready to go, but he came back and we talked and made up and he even started acting okay.
But a few days later we spent the whole New Years' with his sister, and then at like 3 am he went to spend it with me at the hotel so that we could celebrate the US New Years' with my parents. The next day I was supposed to leave, but I decided not to since he seemed very sad and he wanted me to stay.
His sister got mad the next day that I didn't leave and so I decided the next day that I would leave and went to stay at a hotel for a while since his sister didn't want me in the apartment. I had to get a covid test again and was positive.
A few days after that he was mad at me again for a reason I still don't understand. He started calling me a demon, he said that his father was right and that I am a demon, and I got very mad and I slapped him, which was wrong. But then he slapped me back really hard, which broke my glasses and left a scar on my nose, and my nose hurt for a while. I'm still not sure if he slapped or hit me, to be honest. He then kicked me out of the car and left me on the street again. I went to a hotel and stayed there for a while. I was trying to figure out how to leave even though I had Covid.
After a few days, he messaged me saying that he knows that I cheated on him. I never cheated on him and I told him that. But he kept saying that I did. I agreed to talk to him and we met and I told him that I didn't cheat at any point and he apologized, sort of, for hitting me, and that was about it.
A few days later, I learned that I was pregnant. I told him, at first he said that he will come to the US to help and everything. I wouldn't ever get an abortion because it is wrong and I simply cannot murder my own child.
But after a few days, he started saying that he doesn't want the child, that he never wants to see my family again, that he is not going to come to the US, all of that. I didn't pay much attention to it thinking that he must be tired or confused or something and that he wouldn't just drop me like that.
Well, so eventually I left. Once I arrived back in the US, it was okay for a few days, but then he told me he is definitely not coming back and he is not going to help me financially at all. I asked him when is he going to come back and he said in two years. I asked what is he gonna do in two years and he said he's gonna study for his Ph.D. I asked, what about your family? And he said, My sister is coming with me. I said, but what about your wife and your child? He said, I don't want a child. I asked what about me? And he said, well, you're included in the plans, but you're gonna have a child, so he doesn't know. Then he basically dropped the call and we haven't really talked since.
I asked him why he's not talking to me and he said it's because we disagree.
I don't know what to do. Right now I am just trying to work as much as possible so I can save money for the child and not focus on this. But it is always in the back of my mind.
I don't know what to do and I'm really scared. I'm scared of doing this alone. I'm scared of the fact that he is disowning his child and me. I'm scared that he is or will be cheating on me. I'm scared that he is just doing what is convenient right now and leaving me to do all of this alone, and not even ever worrying about me or the pregnancy or even talking to me.
I am scared of everything.
I pray constantly, I ask God to help me, to change his heart, but I am still feeling all of this.
And I honestly do not know who he is anymore. I really thought I knew who he was, but I don't anymore. I can't trust anything he says, even if I try, it doesn't work. It was hard before too, when I found girls on his Instagram, or when I felt that he wasn't repentful of his past, it always made me go crazy. But now this is different. I am also mad because I cannot comprehend at all how a human being can just drop a pregnant wife like this and not even worry about what's going on or to talk to her. I am afraid of what all of this means.
I am just looking for honest opinions here. I am trying my best, but I need to talk to someone about this. I want to know what other Christians think. I know I have done many things wrong, and maybe I deserve all of this, but I need to know what I am supposed to do here. I just want to be a good Christian but I don't want to be in this pain anymore.

 

[grumix8]

Forgive him men are that way, pray to go and pray again he will answer you. There are very wise people here.

 

[YanaMarkova]

Forgive him men are that way, pray to go and pray again he will answer you. There are very wise people here.

Men are what way?

 

[Mark Quayle]

Forgive him men are that way, pray to go and pray again he will answer you. There are very wise people here.

Forgive what, exactly?

A child may forgive the fire for burning him, but he won't soon forget that that fire is hot.

 

[xaris]

Reminds me of...

(1Co 7:13) And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.
(1Co 7:14) For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
(1Co 7:15) But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.

 

[YanaMarkova]

Reminds me of...

(1Co 7:13) And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him.
(1Co 7:14) For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy.
(1Co 7:15) But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace.

So what are you trying to say? Do you think I should divorce him? Is that what God would want me to do?

 

[xaris]

So what are you trying to say? Do you think I should divorce him? Is that what God would want me to do?

Read 1Corinthians 7. From there, it is between you and God.

 

[Pavel Mosko]

Well normally I would say your husband is going to have to suck it up. I didn't quite get why he wanted to keep your marriage a secret. Or why the father or somebody thinks you or someone has a demon... But keeping a marriage a secret is a dubious position. Remember how that went a few times with Abraham? That usually involves a certain amount of avoidance and deceit that is unhealthy, and not a good witness as far as the faith goes.


You didn't mention in your story that I saw if you were trying to avoid this by actuallu using birth control, or at least that important detail got buried by all the other details.


But maybe this is all a blessing. Even with family planning putting off having kids that can only go on a few years. But I know that people avoiding different situations can go on years, even decades. So maybe this is a good thing. In the Western world people often find all kinds of valid reasons to put off having kids, until it is almost too late (They are in middle age).

 

[Michie]

This is a bit of a long and complicated story. I am 22 years old, I live in Florida.
I met my husband a little over a year ago. At that time I had just found Christ again and was trying to start being a good Christian. I had given up adultery and did not want to have physical relations until marriage. When I met my husband, he told me he was a Christian also, but his actions didn't always show it. Well, I was very young in Christ and so I closed my eyes on most things thinking that I'm not perfect either. No matter how many times I told him that I do not want to do anything until marriage, it still would happen.
Well, we did get married. So that issue left. But when we got married, he didn't tell his father about it. He is from Nigeria, and his father was in Nigeria at the time with my husband's younger sister. My husband's mother died about 7 years ago.
I really wanted him to tell his father, but he didn't want to, so I let him do what he himself thought was right. But I didn't like the fact that he would lie to his father because it scared me that he would also be able to lie to me like that.
Well, eventually his father did find out. At the time we were both working for my parents and I was also studying. He wasn't studying, but he would work sometimes with me. Honestly, we didn't really do much. We were trying to work on his documents for him to get a green card, but we also didn't really put much effort into that either.
Well, a little before his father found out, I had convinced my husband for us to give our lives to Christ together and try to be good Christians. Specifically, I wanted us to pray more, to stop drinking and smoking, to read the Bible every day, and more things like that. At first, he didn't want to, but eventually, he agreed. So we did that. Then his father found out, or more that he guessed and my husband told him the truth.
So my husband would start smoking and drinking in secret, and I would find out by seeing bottles and stuff. I decided to start doing it with him because that would have been easier than knowing that he goes behind my back and lies to me. I really wanted to keep doing the right things, but the pain of him lying to me was very scary.
Well, about a week or so after that his father passed away. As soon as my husband found out, I borrowed money from my father to get him tickets to go to Nigeria to take care of everything. He said he doesn't know when he'd be coming back, that it could be years because he needs to take care of his sister and something with his father's business. So I decided that I would get a Visa and go to him as soon as I can.
Three weeks later I was in Nigeria and I even made it to the funeral.
Unfortunately, the very first day I arrived, his sister screamed at me saying that it was my fault that her father died.
Then things got worse. My husband didn't want us to tell anyone that we are married since his father didn't know and didn't tell anyone and it would hurt his father's honor, so he didn't even want us to wear our rings. He paid very minimal attention to me. He would want to get physical at night but during the day it was like I didn't exist most of the time. I tried to do everything I could, but people didn't even treat me with respect, and he didn't help me figure anything out, and I left it thinking he has a lot on his mind and it will be okay later.
It never got okay, it got worse. He never wanted to help me in any way and assumed that I should be okay just riding along with whatever was going on, even though I didn't know what was going on because I didn't speak the language and did not understand the culture. Things got worse after one time he left me on the street alone at night and drove away. The next day I figured that I am done and tried to get out. I got a covid test and was ready to go, but he came back and we talked and made up and he even started acting okay.
But a few days later we spent the whole New Years' with his sister, and then at like 3 am he went to spend it with me at the hotel so that we could celebrate the US New Years' with my parents. The next day I was supposed to leave, but I decided not to since he seemed very sad and he wanted me to stay.
His sister got mad the next day that I didn't leave and so I decided the next day that I would leave and went to stay at a hotel for a while since his sister didn't want me in the apartment. I had to get a covid test again and was positive.
A few days after that he was mad at me again for a reason I still don't understand. He started calling me a demon, he said that his father was right and that I am a demon, and I got very mad and I slapped him, which was wrong. But then he slapped me back really hard, which broke my glasses and left a scar on my nose, and my nose hurt for a while. I'm still not sure if he slapped or hit me, to be honest. He then kicked me out of the car and left me on the street again. I went to a hotel and stayed there for a while. I was trying to figure out how to leave even though I had Covid.
After a few days, he messaged me saying that he knows that I cheated on him. I never cheated on him and I told him that. But he kept saying that I did. I agreed to talk to him and we met and I told him that I didn't cheat at any point and he apologized, sort of, for hitting me, and that was about it.
A few days later, I learned that I was pregnant. I told him, at first he said that he will come to the US to help and everything. I wouldn't ever get an abortion because it is wrong and I simply cannot murder my own child.
But after a few days, he started saying that he doesn't want the child, that he never wants to see my family again, that he is not going to come to the US, all of that. I didn't pay much attention to it thinking that he must be tired or confused or something and that he wouldn't just drop me like that.
Well, so eventually I left. Once I arrived back in the US, it was okay for a few days, but then he told me he is definitely not coming back and he is not going to help me financially at all. I asked him when is he going to come back and he said in two years. I asked what is he gonna do in two years and he said he's gonna study for his Ph.D. I asked, what about your family? And he said, My sister is coming with me. I said, but what about your wife and your child? He said, I don't want a child. I asked what about me? And he said, well, you're included in the plans, but you're gonna have a child, so he doesn't know. Then he basically dropped the call and we haven't really talked since.
I asked him why he's not talking to me and he said it's because we disagree.
I don't know what to do. Right now I am just trying to work as much as possible so I can save money for the child and not focus on this. But it is always in the back of my mind.
I don't know what to do and I'm really scared. I'm scared of doing this alone. I'm scared of the fact that he is disowning his child and me. I'm scared that he is or will be cheating on me. I'm scared that he is just doing what is convenient right now and leaving me to do all of this alone, and not even ever worrying about me or the pregnancy or even talking to me.
I am scared of everything.
I pray constantly, I ask God to help me, to change his heart, but I am still feeling all of this.
And I honestly do not know who he is anymore. I really thought I knew who he was, but I don't anymore. I can't trust anything he says, even if I try, it doesn't work. It was hard before too, when I found girls on his Instagram, or when I felt that he wasn't repentful of his past, it always made me go crazy. But now this is different. I am also mad because I cannot comprehend at all how a human being can just drop a pregnant wife like this and not even worry about what's going on or to talk to her. I am afraid of what all of this means.
I am just looking for honest opinions here. I am trying my best, but I need to talk to someone about this. I want to know what other Christians think. I know I have done many things wrong, and maybe I deserve all of this, but I need to know what I am supposed to do here. I just want to be a good Christian but I don't want to be in this pain anymore.

How did you both meet? You grew up in the USA? He grew up on Nigeria?

 

[coffee4u]

Just to add to a lot of what has already been said, most times a man hides his wife and accuses her of cheating because he is the unfaithful one. The guilty often accuse the innocent of their own bad deeds.
Romans 2:1
You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

This man has abused you and broken his marriage vows.

Exodus 21:10-11


10 If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. 11 If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.

What Paul says parallels Exodus 21:10-11 with his instructions in 1 Corinthians 7.
Husbands and wives must not deny one another, must not abandon or neglect each other and must provide for each other.

Exodus 21:11 allows for divorce when those requirements are not met and the principle still applies: divorce is legitimate when the marriage vows are broken. I am fairly certain he is also cheating. Denying that you are his wife is in of itself a form of adultery as he is publicly stating that he is single and available.

 

[bèlla]

His behavior is unloving and disrespectful. Read your post aloud and really hear it. That’s the person you’re hoping will be a husband and father to your child.

If his regard for you is so abysmal, why do you feel the child will change things? Men rarely love their children more than their spouse. You won’t hear many women complaining of neglect due to children.

He’s demonstrated an unwillingness to be honest or committed to building the marriage the bible supports. He’s demeaned you and permitted his family to do the same.

This was a union of names alone. You weren’t yoked in the heart, mind, or spirit. His departure is unfortunate but probably a blessing in the long run.

What example will he provide for your unborn child? Are you willing to compromise its well-being to reconcile? Children should be reared in safe and loving homes with parents committed to their welfare.

Deliver your wayward spouse to the Lord for correction and remove your hands. If He redeems the relationship he’ll walk upright and bear good fruit. If He doesn’t, He’ll keep you in his absence.

In the meantime, connect with a Christian counselor. You have a lot to work through and healing is needed. If you’re not in a church, find one with a strong women’s ministry. You need to be in the company of mature believers. An older woman may have spotted the problems you missed.

Above all forgive yourself and him. Don’t be disheartened. The beginning may be bleak but the story isn’t over yet. Remember that.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

 

[Yeshua HaDerekh]

This is a bit of a long and complicated story. I am 22 years old, I live in Florida.
I met my husband a little over a year ago. At that time I had just found Christ again and was trying to start being a good Christian. I had given up adultery and did not want to have physical relations until marriage. When I met my husband, he told me he was a Christian also, but his actions didn't always show it. Well, I was very young in Christ and so I closed my eyes on most things thinking that I'm not perfect either. No matter how many times I told him that I do not want to do anything until marriage, it still would happen.
Well, we did get married. So that issue left. But when we got married, he didn't tell his father about it. He is from Nigeria, and his father was in Nigeria at the time with my husband's younger sister. My husband's mother died about 7 years ago.
I really wanted him to tell his father, but he didn't want to, so I let him do what he himself thought was right. But I didn't like the fact that he would lie to his father because it scared me that he would also be able to lie to me like that.
Well, eventually his father did find out. At the time we were both working for my parents and I was also studying. He wasn't studying, but he would work sometimes with me. Honestly, we didn't really do much. We were trying to work on his documents for him to get a green card, but we also didn't really put much effort into that either.
Well, a little before his father found out, I had convinced my husband for us to give our lives to Christ together and try to be good Christians. Specifically, I wanted us to pray more, to stop drinking and smoking, to read the Bible every day, and more things like that. At first, he didn't want to, but eventually, he agreed. So we did that. Then his father found out, or more that he guessed and my husband told him the truth.
So my husband would start smoking and drinking in secret, and I would find out by seeing bottles and stuff. I decided to start doing it with him because that would have been easier than knowing that he goes behind my back and lies to me. I really wanted to keep doing the right things, but the pain of him lying to me was very scary.
Well, about a week or so after that his father passed away. As soon as my husband found out, I borrowed money from my father to get him tickets to go to Nigeria to take care of everything. He said he doesn't know when he'd be coming back, that it could be years because he needs to take care of his sister and something with his father's business. So I decided that I would get a Visa and go to him as soon as I can.
Three weeks later I was in Nigeria and I even made it to the funeral.
Unfortunately, the very first day I arrived, his sister screamed at me saying that it was my fault that her father died.
Then things got worse. My husband didn't want us to tell anyone that we are married since his father didn't know and didn't tell anyone and it would hurt his father's honor, so he didn't even want us to wear our rings. He paid very minimal attention to me. He would want to get physical at night but during the day it was like I didn't exist most of the time. I tried to do everything I could, but people didn't even treat me with respect, and he didn't help me figure anything out, and I left it thinking he has a lot on his mind and it will be okay later.
It never got okay, it got worse. He never wanted to help me in any way and assumed that I should be okay just riding along with whatever was going on, even though I didn't know what was going on because I didn't speak the language and did not understand the culture. Things got worse after one time he left me on the street alone at night and drove away. The next day I figured that I am done and tried to get out. I got a covid test and was ready to go, but he came back and we talked and made up and he even started acting okay.
But a few days later we spent the whole New Years' with his sister, and then at like 3 am he went to spend it with me at the hotel so that we could celebrate the US New Years' with my parents. The next day I was supposed to leave, but I decided not to since he seemed very sad and he wanted me to stay.
His sister got mad the next day that I didn't leave and so I decided the next day that I would leave and went to stay at a hotel for a while since his sister didn't want me in the apartment. I had to get a covid test again and was positive.
A few days after that he was mad at me again for a reason I still don't understand. He started calling me a demon, he said that his father was right and that I am a demon, and I got very mad and I slapped him, which was wrong. But then he slapped me back really hard, which broke my glasses and left a scar on my nose, and my nose hurt for a while. I'm still not sure if he slapped or hit me, to be honest. He then kicked me out of the car and left me on the street again. I went to a hotel and stayed there for a while. I was trying to figure out how to leave even though I had Covid.
After a few days, he messaged me saying that he knows that I cheated on him. I never cheated on him and I told him that. But he kept saying that I did. I agreed to talk to him and we met and I told him that I didn't cheat at any point and he apologized, sort of, for hitting me, and that was about it.
A few days later, I learned that I was pregnant. I told him, at first he said that he will come to the US to help and everything. I wouldn't ever get an abortion because it is wrong and I simply cannot murder my own child.
But after a few days, he started saying that he doesn't want the child, that he never wants to see my family again, that he is not going to come to the US, all of that. I didn't pay much attention to it thinking that he must be tired or confused or something and that he wouldn't just drop me like that.
Well, so eventually I left. Once I arrived back in the US, it was okay for a few days, but then he told me he is definitely not coming back and he is not going to help me financially at all. I asked him when is he going to come back and he said in two years. I asked what is he gonna do in two years and he said he's gonna study for his Ph.D. I asked, what about your family? And he said, My sister is coming with me. I said, but what about your wife and your child? He said, I don't want a child. I asked what about me? And he said, well, you're included in the plans, but you're gonna have a child, so he doesn't know. Then he basically dropped the call and we haven't really talked since.
I asked him why he's not talking to me and he said it's because we disagree.
I don't know what to do. Right now I am just trying to work as much as possible so I can save money for the child and not focus on this. But it is always in the back of my mind.
I don't know what to do and I'm really scared. I'm scared of doing this alone. I'm scared of the fact that he is disowning his child and me. I'm scared that he is or will be cheating on me. I'm scared that he is just doing what is convenient right now and leaving me to do all of this alone, and not even ever worrying about me or the pregnancy or even talking to me.
I am scared of everything.
I pray constantly, I ask God to help me, to change his heart, but I am still feeling all of this.
And I honestly do not know who he is anymore. I really thought I knew who he was, but I don't anymore. I can't trust anything he says, even if I try, it doesn't work. It was hard before too, when I found girls on his Instagram, or when I felt that he wasn't repentful of his past, it always made me go crazy. But now this is different. I am also mad because I cannot comprehend at all how a human being can just drop a pregnant wife like this and not even worry about what's going on or to talk to her. I am afraid of what all of this means.
I am just looking for honest opinions here. I am trying my best, but I need to talk to someone about this. I want to know what other Christians think. I know I have done many things wrong, and maybe I deserve all of this, but I need to know what I am supposed to do here. I just want to be a good Christian but I don't want to be in this pain anymore.

IMO, he sounds like he is scared. BUT he also sounds like he has some kind of personality disorder. Nobody who loves another says or does the things he said and did to you. He may also be a narcissist. Do you have a pastor or Priest you can go and talk to about your situation? Raising a child at your age will be very hard to do alone, but it can be done. Adoption may also be another option. Not sure I would suggest staying with him unless he changes in a big way.

 

[Michie]

Nigerian culture is completely different in many ways from the culture in the USA. I’d like to know how they met and how long they knew each other before marriage. It is very odd given Nigerian culture that he would keep this secret from his father if he was genuine in the commitment he made to marriage.

 

[Rescued One]

Men are what way?

Non-Christians are not walking in the Light. He will bring you and your child sorrow and pain. Let him go. "There is no fear of God before their(his) eyes." Romans 3:18

You need a church that isn't strictly demanding that you dress a certain way, or that it's okay for a husband to mistreat his wife and children. A husband should love his wife as Christ loves the church.

Ephesians 5:25 KJV
25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;... 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:

Read your Bible often --- one in a language or edition that you can understand.

2 Timothy 3:16 KJV
All scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness.


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Finding Financial Help for Pregnant Women

God bless you and your baby.

Ask a mainstream church for help and guidance.

 

[Sophrosyne]

It sound like he has a family of manipulative people and he is sort of a coward that would rather cave in and agree with those around him than decide to do something and stick with it. I noticed that he didn't seem driven to be a good husband in your marriage, didn't support you and stand up to his father and sister and other relatives and I believe because was put in a position that he would lose his siblings and relatives approval and support if he didn't turn his back on you. He could well be a narcissist that does things for his own profit and when he thinks he needs you then he agrees with you and is nice but when he is around others and wants approval and attention he tosses you overboard.
I feel you may have to divorce him and move on and make a life without him. He has already shown to you that he is ashamed of you by not revealing the marriage to his father and has contempt for you causing stress in his life by throwing you essentially under the bus. I expect if his family is manipulative he will only seek you again to manipulate you and when he decides he doesn't want you throw you away yet again. I've been around people that were very nice to me and gave me a lot of attention till they knew for sure I would stand by them and then once they won me over they abandoned me for the next person and then came back when everyone else wanted nothing to do with me and then again thrown me away. I call these people pleasers as long as you don't act like your their best buddy and pal they remain friends and such but once you are their buddy the challenge turns to how much they can get out of you before you dump them and then they see you starting to slip away and all the "promises" and attention begins because they are back in "pleasing" mode. This yoyo treatment if not realized can go through a lot of cycles causing increasing amounts of stress and then bitterness till you have to do something extreme to literally cut them off.
If this reminds you of your husband be warned and pay attention as you likely aren't going to see a truly changed person but rather will be strung along and manipulated till it starts to greatly affect your health from the stress.

 

[Joined2krist]

I don't understand why he doesn't want his family to know that he's married to you, perhaps he has something to hide and letting them know that he's married to you will expose him.

You will have to wait patiently and endure for now, truth can't be hidden for long, meanwhile prepare for your baby, be in a good mental, physical and spiritual state to welcome him or her, rely on God to make all things work together for your good and avoid initiating contact with him or his family until he is ready to treat you better than he is currently doing. God bless

 

[YanaMarkova]

Well normally I would say your husband is going to have to suck it up. I didn't quite get why he wanted to keep your marriage a secret. Or why the father or somebody thinks you or someone has a demon... But keeping a marriage a secret is a dubious position. Remember how that went a few times with Abraham? That usually involves a certain amount of avoidance and deceit that is unhealthy, and not a good witness as far as the faith goes.


You didn't mention in your story that I saw if you were trying to avoid this by actuallu using birth control, or at least that important detail got buried by all the other details.


But maybe this is all a blessing. Even with family planning putting off having kids that can only go on a few years. But I know that people avoiding different situations can go on years, even decades. So maybe this is a good thing. In the Western world people often find all kinds of valid reasons to put off having kids, until it is almost too late (They are in middle age).

No, I wasn't using any birth control or anything. And I can't really tell him tp suck it up, he just doesn't talk to me and I don't know how many years it will be before he comes back to the US and if it even will mean that he will come to see me and the child at all or if he is just going to go and study.

 

[YanaMarkova]

How did you both meet? You grew up in the USA? He grew up on Nigeria?

I am from Russia, I've been in the US for like 10 years and he has been here for like 5 years, studying, when we met at college

 

[YanaMarkova]

Just to add to a lot of what has already been said, most times a man hides his wife and accuses her of cheating because he is the unfaithful one. The guilty often accuse the innocent of their own bad deeds.
Romans 2:1
You, therefore, have no excuse, you who pass judgment on someone else, for at whatever point you judge another, you are condemning yourself, because you who pass judgment do the same things.

This man has abused you and broken his marriage vows.

Exodus 21:10-11


10 If he marries another woman, he must not deprive the first one of her food, clothing and marital rights. 11 If he does not provide her with these three things, she is to go free, without any payment of money.

What Paul says parallels Exodus 21:10-11 with his instructions in 1 Corinthians 7.
Husbands and wives must not deny one another, must not abandon or neglect each other and must provide for each other.

Exodus 21:11 allows for divorce when those requirements are not met and the principle still applies: divorce is legitimate when the marriage vows are broken. I am fairly certain he is also cheating. Denying that you are his wife is in of itself a form of adultery as he is publicly stating that he is single and available.

I really don't know if he is cheating, but I am very scared that he is. I'm really not sure when it comes to divorce either, but I do also see the situation in this way. Thank you so much for these verses.

 

[YanaMarkova]

His behavior is unloving and disrespectful. Read your post aloud and really hear it. That’s the person you’re hoping will be a husband and father to your child.

If his regard for you is so abysmal, why do you feel the child will change things? Men rarely love their children more than their spouse. You won’t hear many women complaining of neglect due to children.

He’s demonstrated an unwillingness to be honest or committed to building the marriage the bible supports. He’s demeaned you and permitted his family to do the same.

This was a union of names alone. You weren’t yoked in the heart, mind, or spirit. His departure is unfortunate but probably a blessing in the long run.

What example will he provide for your unborn child? Are you willing to compromise its well-being to reconcile? Children should be reared in safe and loving homes with parents committed to their welfare.

Deliver your wayward spouse to the Lord for correction and remove your hands. If He redeems the relationship he’ll walk upright and bear good fruit. If He doesn’t, He’ll keep you in his absence.

In the meantime, connect with a Christian counselor. You have a lot to work through and healing is needed. If you’re not in a church, find one with a strong women’s ministry. You need to be in the company of mature believers. An older woman may have spotted the problems you missed.

Above all forgive yourself and him. Don’t be disheartened. The beginning may be bleak but the story isn’t over yet. Remember that.

Yours in His Service,

~bella

Thank you. I do not want my child to have a father like that. And I doubt that this will ever change. I really feel that at some point he will turn around and want to be with his child, but even if I forgive him, he will continue doing ungodly things to his family.
I have considered not naming him as the father when the child is born, I do not want him to have any parental rights and kidnap the child in the future or something. Does that seem like a good idea?