I'm not sure what to put here...

[tundrawolf]

Some of you know my background, my childhood was rough and I carried it's effects with me, mainly an attraction to homosexuality.

I have introspected deeply all of my life, trying to figure it out, trying to understand why, trying to pull on the roots to see how deep they go...

I have been celibate for close to twenty years and it hasn't been easy. I have, for the lack of a better word, a furious, burning libido. I manage to control my self- pleasing habits, I can go a week, up to a month or more. I am not addicted to porn.

Well anyway, I have been celibate for 20 years (I am 36).

I suffer and struggle with a deep loneliness, that gnaws at me, which I have become fairly numb to. It's not a bad thing, really. I'd like to die all the way inside if I could, but here's the deal,

In the last 4 months 3 women have come into my life... and gone... The first woman fell in love with me, and she wanted me, she was a virgin, but I told her I would not touch her before marriage. I also told her some of my past, and she freaked out about it, and began telling mutual friends I was some kind of monster... even though she has the same past and done similar things...

Still, I don't hate her, actually I feel bad for her and I wish her the best.

The other woman came and went and isn't worth mentioning, I am glad it didn't go far with her.

I have 5 acres of land, but it is undeveloped, and until I can put a house on it, I am staying at my mom's (over 180 acres) horse ranch. I was in California working, when I met the first and second women. While I was there, my mom told me someone had moved onto the ranch, but i mostly ignored it.

When I returned to Arizona, I discovered a very attractive woman my age had moved onto the ranch. I am shy and introspective, but eventually she began to talk to me...

She is very worldly, to say the least... She's also a runner, she runs from her problems. But we got into a relationship. We'd end up holding each other, just bonding and being close.

She's tried tongue kissing me, but I told her that it could lead to other things... And I told her I want to know her at least a year before I will consider marriage, and no sex before marriage...

It's hard <Staff Edit> But I have not had sex with her. Recently, we celebrated her birthday with a bottle of wine and I got a little more amorous than I should have. I told her I went too far and that I was sorry (No sex, or even clothes removed) but she was angry that I apologized. It was "Beautiful", yes, but too soon. Way too soon... I want to honor Gods way, because I know that's the only way I will be happy. I am a virgin with respect to women.

She said I should follow my heart... I told her about my past. I told her, if I would have followed my heart I'd be dead of AIDS by now... i have not yet told her about the Bible verse about the heart being deceitful... She is open to going to church. She was baptized, and used to go to a Southern Baptist church, but her views are rather loose. "Christians" have hurt and disappointed her in the past, including my mom.

All of this time I am struggling with how I should feel towards her, struggling with natural male desires, struggling with letting her "in" to my heart, so to speak, just struggling. My body is rested but my soul is so weary... on top of all my other struggles, now I am trying to figure this out... I will not be unequally yolked, I know it would be misery. I am trying to be a moral man, and she has so far been respectful, in spite of things getting heated recently. We have cooled off. But she is a very touchy woman, and to be honest, I have never really been touched before, so this is opening up parts of me that have been closed for almost 40 years.

I realize what a dangerous line I am treading.

She is a very stubborn woman and we have gotten into a few fights so far over things, I think I have known her for 2 months. She insists she likes me, but a lot of women do, I know it doesn't mean everything just because someone "likes" you...

All of my life I have believed God has had someone for me, and I have waited, suffered, denied myself, and struggled immensely, sometimes daily. It is so hard to stay celibate with this woman, when she is so used to, well, pleasing men. I do not know if she is the "one" I need a godly woman or she will not survive me. I have gotten so much help and epiphanies from God I would be so lost without Him in my life.

This woman, she does not have that. She has a very new- age attitude and is almost like some kind of Hippy. She is my polar opposite.

I just... I don't know what to do. We just had another fight, it was my fault, i am so burdened down with all of my struggles, i just don't want to do this any more. I know I can't give up, but<Staff Edit>I can't keep doing this. I just don't know what to do any more. Keep trudging through the numbness... For another 36 years... I just don't know.

I want to put a house on my land, even if it's a cheap mobile home and just live there alone. Just be by myself. Honestly I am happiest when I am by myself... I have considered emasculating myself to be rid of the sexual urges, but I read a monk did that and then had to deal with the sexual thoughts in spite of it.

I am taking Vitex powder (Chaste berry) and it is helping a lot, but still, you still have to say no.

I'm sorry this is so long. I've just been alone for so long, and I have suffered, and continue to suffer so much... It's (My struggles with my sexuality... it is a curse to want to be intimate so much) never really gone away in 36 years. I don't... know what to do any more.

I am a writer and an illustrator, and I love to write love stories (no sex in them) and make beautiful pictures. It severely helps me to deal with the loneliness when I am writing a scene where a female character is talking to a male character, I can see her face, smell her breath, even feel the warmth of her heart as she speaks and laughs... It's carried me through so many times and God has used it to mature me in a very real way.

Part of me feels like if I keep taking copious amounts of this Vitex powder, and write beautiful love stories, draw them, and occasionally self please myself (After losing the days long struggle, I do not do it like I used to, I went 3 months once, it felt great), I can live alone until I die.

People have told me God has someone for me. Honestly I'm just sick of hearing it. I'm like a starving shark, with people throwing meat in my tank and God is saying "Don't eat! I've got a better feast for you!" Okay... I accept that... It just feels too late. I've been in a war that I've been fighting for 36 years... I just want it to end.

Sorry, just pray for me. I don't know what to do any more. Thanks.

 

[grandvizier1006]

Focus on your relationship with Christ. Don't tell any woman about your past until she is ready. I'll probably have to deal with something like that, too, but for now I have a life to live.

Also, don't feel bad if you end up being single. That's just what happens to some people.

 

[KevinesKay]

Thanks for sharing tundrawolf. I can understand that you want a woman in your life. Is this woman that you're with now the one you want to marry? If she's not then you are truly acting against your own morals and beliefs. And you would be better off on your own as you said. The apostle Paul did mention not to be unequally yoked with non-believers. And you don't know that by continuing to be with her, that you'll be able to save her. You also mentioned that she's a runner. Sounds to me that she's not emotionally stable enough to be a suitable partner in a lifelong marriage.

But something tells me that breaking away from this person would be easier said than done. It sounds like she's becoming a bigger part of your life. And she's so accessible. She lives on the ranch. And she's pretty. And she's s*xually stimulating. This is going to be tough one. But I personally see a lot of red flags with this person. When you're ready to make a decision for yourself on whether or not you choose to move forward with this person, then you'll need to reach out for help from God, from friends, and other resources.

I really admire your decision to be s*xually pure, and you've stayed true to that to much extent. I didn't know about the vitex powder trick. Wish I had tried that in my younger years. Maybe then, I wouldn't have been so messed up in my 20's.