I'm not enjoying 7

[EK2013]

My oldest, a girl, is 7 1/2 and I'm not sure I enjoy this stage. There are some background issues I'm dealing with they aren't aware of, but could this really be affecting them so much? Or do all kids do this? She's usually sweet, but gets randomly sullen and attitude-y. I "know" that's normal...but how do I respond? She's also very sensitive and I don't know what her triggers are. Also, there's a LOT of fighting between her and my 6 yo DS--she manipulates him a lot and can be quite disparaging. As an only child, I'm mystified. I'm torn between letting them just duke it out and sitting down with them each time and being their counselor. My husband has a younger sister and is in favor of letting the kids work their own issues out. Which I have tried, and so far, the issues have only worsened. It's like DD took it as a license to treat DS however she pleased. It all feels so complicated these days. DS has his own flavor of being difficult, but for some reason, it's easier to deal with and doesn't leave me feeling like a horrible parent. I have a third who's 3, but my main trouble is with the older two.

 

[akmom]

Sibling rivalry is a challenge in all households with multiple children. People handle it differently. I personally don't like letting them duke it out, because I find that resentment just builds. There will be one child who consistently "wins" - because they are older, more assertive, stronger, more manipulative, more determined, etc. Stepping in and playing judge doesn't help either, because they just incorporate the parent as a tool for getting their way. The older one might be more articulate (and therefore more convincing) or the younger one might play on the parent's sympathies, for example.

I think mediating your child's conflicts is a good thing. Have you really ever known anyone who, by virtue of getting into a lot of fights, developed great conflict resolution skills? I personally don't, and I think children are even less likely to do that. They are very young, inexperienced and emotional, and need guidance on navigating conflict.

What seems to work in my household is interrupting the argument, and asking each one what happened and why they are upset. I start with the youngest because they have the hardest time articulating themselves. I don't allow them to interrupt each other. Then I ask both of them why the other is upset. If they can't tell me, or they get it wrong, I encourage them to ask the sibling themselves. Third, I ask them to both come up with a solution idea that might make both of them happy. "What do you think might make both of you happy?" and then "What do you (other child) think of that?" I go back and forth and try to be encouraging as they brainstorm. They usually do walk away with an "action plan."

It's not always that cut and dry. Sometimes all my kids really need is someone to reinforce basic rules of civility; "No, you may not take your sister's coloring book without asking." Or acknowledging a lack of resources; "There's not enough Lincoln logs for both of you to build a log mansion, so one of you will have to use the blocks instead," followed by me building something awesome with the blocks, so we get a taker! Or redirecting a pestering sibling with some other activity, so the older one doesn't bear the brunt of his attention needs. Honestly, sometimes they fight over things that we as a family can fix, such as a "comfy chair," which wouldn't be an issue if there was another "comfy chair!" (Again, it's one of those things where you have to decide if it's a one-time issue that they will just have to resolve, or something they consistently fight over, such that getting a second one is worth it. It's easier to get a second chair than build a second bathroom, so you know, there has to be some balance between accommodating everyone and learning to share!)

I hope that helps. If it's way off, maybe more details? And yes, seven-year-old girls are moody! I have one too. I find that if I get her to talk enough, she'll eventually divulge some of those secret "triggers."

 

[Lisaphish]

Great answer, akmom! As an only child and the mother of an only child, I find the whole double-standard thing that parents do with siblings to be very perplexing and unfair. I hope that other parents will be inspired to learn from your advice as well.

 

[EK2013]

Thanks for responding. That's sort of how I started, but over the summer they decided to just come to me like I was their arbiter. I tried using the Matthew...18? principle of trying to work it out with the offender before coming to a mediator. But they started just skipping that whole step. Their idea of talking to the other party was demanding their way. /sigh. And it got to the point where every time DD did something DS didn't like (usually unkind), DS would turn to me and say, "MOM!" in this demanding "fix it" tone. Time outs were not working, separation did not work, sitting at the table together did not work. It was worse, of course, whenever I was in the middle of something (usually in the kitchen). So I was willing to try anything different and told them to figure it out themselves, which reduced the tug-of-war on Mommy's will, but increased number of spats and the degree of insult offered. Apparently I just can't stand by, so I'll consider what you say. I never did allow them to use me to punish each other. But the conflict resolution discussions you describe never took place quite that fully.

 

[akmom]

It takes lots and lots of repetition before children start emulating these problem-solving techniques on their own. I had some professional training in mediation, and also did peer mediation with high schoolers when I was in college. If you choose to use these techniques, do not be discouraged that they keep consulting you. It is a valuable opportunity to guide them and refine the process. When they are ready and confident about these techniques, they will automatically start utilizing them without prompting.

Even as an adult, I often stray from these techniques during conflict. It's human nature. It's hard to force yourself into active listening and "I statements" when your mind is pre-occupied with your position/needs/desires. So it's going to be even harder and take longer for kids.

What you may try with your son, when he gets whiny, is tell him how you want to be approached. Suggest the word choice you want him to use. "Mom, can you listen to our problem?" "Mom, will you discuss something with us?" "Mom, is this a good time to talk about our conflict?" Or whatever phrase you find appropriate and respectful. Just like when we remind our toddlers to say please... it just helps them refine their delivery. When he makes a "whiny" demand, you can remind him to "ask the way we talked about."

 

[Luther073082]

My oldest, a girl, is 7 1/2 and I'm not sure I enjoy this stage. There are some background issues I'm dealing with they aren't aware of, but could this really be affecting them so much? Or do all kids do this? She's usually sweet, but gets randomly sullen and attitude-y. I "know" that's normal...but how do I respond? She's also very sensitive and I don't know what her triggers are. Also, there's a LOT of fighting between her and my 6 yo DS--she manipulates him a lot and can be quite disparaging. As an only child, I'm mystified. I'm torn between letting them just duke it out and sitting down with them each time and being their counselor. My husband has a younger sister and is in favor of letting the kids work their own issues out. Which I have tried, and so far, the issues have only worsened. It's like DD took it as a license to treat DS however she pleased. It all feels so complicated these days. DS has his own flavor of being difficult, but for some reason, it's easier to deal with and doesn't leave me feeling like a horrible parent. I have a third who's 3, but my main trouble is with the older two.

Please note I've not anywhere near reached that stage yet as my son is 2 months old. So fair warning that this advice comes out of inexperience.

I wouldn't let them duke it out completely. It's only going to escalate. I say that out of experience of having a sibling.

I'd try to tone down the attitude thing a bit with some discipline. I can only see it getting worse as she gets older and more into the teenage years. The more you let her get away with now, the further she will try to push it as a teen.

 

[ProudMomxmany]

My oldest, a girl, is 7 1/2 and I'm not sure I enjoy this stage. There are some background issues I'm dealing with they aren't aware of, but could this really be affecting them so much? Or do all kids do this? She's usually sweet, but gets randomly sullen and attitude-y. I "know" that's normal...but how do I respond? She's also very sensitive and I don't know what her triggers are. Also, there's a LOT of fighting between her and my 6 yo DS--she manipulates him a lot and can be quite disparaging. As an only child, I'm mystified. I'm torn between letting them just duke it out and sitting down with them each time and being their counselor. My husband has a younger sister and is in favor of letting the kids work their own issues out. Which I have tried, and so far, the issues have only worsened. It's like DD took it as a license to treat DS however she pleased. It all feels so complicated these days. DS has his own flavor of being difficult, but for some reason, it's easier to deal with and doesn't leave me feeling like a horrible parent. I have a third who's 3, but my main trouble is with the older two.

Girls are just icky after a certain age (says the mom of 6 girls). They seem to get attitude much earlier than boys do. The one up side of the girls vs. boys thing is that eventually the girls figure out that the boys are bigger. Now, with boys...sometimes the only solution is to let them duke it out. I have been know to tell them "take it outside, no blood on the carpet".

6 year old boys are not exactly the most "with it" creatures on the planet. They're gullible, easily led and will believe almost anything. My father once told my oldest daughter that if she pushed his belly button, his legs would fall off...well, once she was graced with little brothers, she used this on them for YEARS! She'd run up, stick her finger in their belly button and then watch them cry because they were afraid their legs were going to fall off. If I remember correctly, this worked until the boys were 8 or so. They're cute...

Anyway...you can try reinforcing positive behavior with her. When you see her playing nicely with her brother, praise her. When she doesn't, instead of getting all uptight, separate the combatants. She's at the age where things like that and displaying a crummy attitude can be corrected by using either restricting privileges or adding chores. So...if she treats her brother crummy, she has to do something to serve him...like cleaning his room, picking up his toys, putting his laundry away. And, until she displays the right attitude, she loses privileges, a favorite toy, getting to watch TV, something like that. Don't get bent out of shape, don't raise your voice. Explain and enforce. She will eventually figure out that her behavior isn't getting her anywhere.

Our youngest daughter is 16 and we're in the throes of teenage girl attitude. Add 3 teen/tween little brothers and it can be chaotic. However, we have very little problem with her attitude because the LAST thing she wants to do is clean "the locker room". Now, the 3 younger boys...they are treated the same way...however there are times when I do tell them to just take it outside because I've had more than enough.

This time seems like it is FOREVER, but truthfully, it's over in a flash. Most of our children are now on their own and there are times when I wish they were all back here and I was still dealing with the chaos and insanity.

 

[Krystina661]

I have a 7 year old son. And a 13 year old. Two boys. They get this way. My youngest is such a good kid but when he is upset he is a different little guy. I try not to give in, and when I dont it doesnt take long, he gets over it and back to his normal self. I heard girls are harder though! lol . Ahh the joys of parenting. Think we all learn as we go