I'm finally facing it...

[secretshadows618]

This is really hard for me to talk about. Yes, even typing it is difficult but, its time I face it. So heres my story....

From the time I was 5 years old till the time I was 13 I was molested by my older brother. I wasn't raped... just molested. During that time a neighbor who was the same age as my brother also moleseted me from the time I was 7 till the time I was 9. It wasn't until a few months ago that I finally confided my secret in my best friend and it was not even a week ago that I confided it in another well trusted friend.

All through my life I just pretended that it wasn't happening and that it never happened. I didn't want to face what truly happened. I didn't want to claim the pain. Now that I've confided in my close friends I'm finally on my way to healing but its hard.

I feel disgusting. I don't see any self-worth in me at all. The way I look at myself isn't healthy in anyway. I feel I deserved what happened to me, and that it was my fault. I struggle with SI because of this past. I don't value myself at all.

I'm working on all of this... is there any advice from anyone on how they got through the healing process? words of encouragement or just keeping me in your prayers is just fine.

Thanks for reading,
secretshadows

 

[Mr.Cheese]

.

 

[Criada]

Telling people and sharing your story here is incredibly brave, and a big step towards healing.
Sweetie, you were a child, it wasn't your fault, and you didn't deserve it in any way.
I was abused for years as a child to, and I am just beginning to come to terms with it.

Therapy has been very helpful for me... if you are able, I would recommend talking to someone who is experienced in this area... it really does help.

Accepting and loving yourself is so hard... but you do deserve it, sweetie.
Try to take care of yourself.. and if you are cutting, be careful to avoid infection, k?

You are a wonderful person, and you are taking steps to recover... that is great.
Praying for you very much

 

[secretshadows618]

The second trusted friend that I told last week is an adult that I'm very close to. She's an amazing woman. I was terrified when I told her but after talking to her I found out that not only had she been molested by her father but she had been date raped twice. She understood my pain. Which saddened me but was comforting to know too. Shes helping me work through this. Its the closest I can get to seeing a shrink. I prefer it this way. I trust her and am comfortable talking to her. I know she doesn't know all the answers but no one does so I'm okay with that.

Also I'm going to this program called Life Hurts God Heals at my church. Its like a group counceling thing. I haven't exactly opened up in there yet but I think I'll feel comfortable enough to do so soon.

Its hard to talk about this when it makes me physically sick. I'm really struggling with talking openly about it. My friends are being patient with me though. They understand that its difficult and they just keep loving me when I mess up. I feel like I don't even deserve their love. There is still other guilt that I have from the past.

See, my best friend... the most important person in the world to me... I put in danger. She actually dated my brother at one point and at that time I never had told her my secret. I let her date him and be alone with him and I should have protected her instead of my secret. Thank God, nothing ever happened between them. She was safe. I still carry the guilt of it and it was 5 years ago. Close to the end of everything between my brother and i. She loves me anyway. She doesn't hold it against me but I feel she should. I allowed another close friend to date him too. I still feel guilty about that because she lost her virginity to him. It was her choice though. She has not idea about this secret though.

I carry that guilt among others. I'm feeling really down on myself today and wanting to curl up in a ball and not move but I know I can't. I'm pushing through this. Its so hard though... keep me in your prayers

secretshadows.

 

[Johnnz]

That course and your friend seem like really a good basis to begin working through what happened.

John
NZ

 

[Criada]

Still praying, sweetie.
I'm glad you have someone you can talk to, that really helps.
Take is slowly, one step at a time, and be gentle with yourself.

 

[faithful follower]

I am praying for you and know that God will heal your brokeness. Be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. You have done the best you can every step of the way and it was good enough. You are good enough. God created you and loves you. Trust Him to walk you through your healing process.

You are very brave sharing your experience with us.

 

[Criada]

Continuing to pray for you, sweetie.
How are you doing?

 

[nicola_whiteside]

well done for telling you re truly amazing and strong. I can rlate wi the family member molesting and the self harm. But by telling trusted frieneds you are making the first steps to recovery. You re beautiful and it wasn't your fault. You can always talk to me ifyou need to
HUGE HUGS SWEETY
xxxxxxx

 

[secretshadows618]

Well, things still feel insane. I still feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. It just seems like there are more low points than highs. I've been working on being more open. A problem that I realized last night was that I haven't verbalized anything yet. When I told my best friend everything I did it through instant messaging and letters that we write to each other. When I told my close adult friend, I did it through texting. So I feel a bit like a coward having done it that way. So next step is saying everything out loud.

I think I've mentioned before that every thursday I go to a sort of group counceling session called LHGH (Life Hurts God Heals). I've been working on telling my leader everything. Its just not that easy. She knows a lot and I think she can assume what my secret is but I haven't flat out told her everything yet. I am also wanting to just tell the whole group whats going on. I want to trust them but I have major trust issues. Its not easy to trust people I hardly know. I've been getting to know most of them for about two months now but its still not enough. It took years to finally confide in my best friend everything. Trust is a major thing that I have issues having in people.

The self harm is an on going struggle. Right now I've gone 7 days without it. I have my best friend holding my accountable. Every day she asks me what day I'm on. When I fall she doesn't critize me but encourages me, and when I go an extra day we party together But making it to day 7 has been really tough. Its been far from easy. I really am struggling with it.

Something else I have realized is that I have been feeling incredibly lonely. I'm being told constantly that I'm not alone but I've secluded myself and made it to where I am. Now for the first time I don't want to be alone. I don't want to handle this on my own. I'm just not sure how to change. Part of me is wanting to crawl in a whole and stay alone but I think thats more of instinct instead of an actual desire. I really want to let people in now. I want them to know the real me and not just the mask I created for them to see.

Something I've started doing that I haven't done in a while is a devotional. My relationship with God has been really rocky and now I'm looking for answers in the Bible. Probably something I should have done a long time ago but this is still a part of my life that I haven't handed over to Him. I've held on to it for many reasons. I'm not really talking to God but I'm listening to what He has to say and what He wants me to learn.

Hum... Right now thats all I can think to write. Its a long journey. It feels like I've been working at it for forever and its only been a few weeks. I'm trying not to give up but everyday I'm faced with wanting to turn back to my hard exterior and just play like its all okay. Thank you for praying for me and thanks for caring.

secretshadows

 

[myanchor]

Sweetie, you are doing the right thing in getting on here and having contact with folks who can understand you. You are talking about on here, and with friends, about your experiences. I blog about stuff that I'm going through. And it helps.

When you feel up to it, start counseling with a Christian counselor too.

 

[secretshadows618]

Sweetie, you are doing the right thing in getting on here and having contact with folks who can understand you. You are talking about on here, and with friends, about your experiences. I blog about stuff that I'm going through. And it helps.

When you feel up to it, start counseling with a Christian counselor too.

I plan on going to a counselor when i turn 18. Right now confidentiallity laws are weird for minors. I need parental consent to speak to a counselor. So I just have to wait till june of next year.

 

[Criada]

Well, things still feel insane. I still feel like I'm on a rollercoaster. It just seems like there are more low points than highs. I've been working on being more open. A problem that I realized last night was that I haven't verbalized anything yet. When I told my best friend everything I did it through instant messaging and letters that we write to each other. When I told my close adult friend, I did it through texting. So I feel a bit like a coward having done it that way. So next step is saying everything out loud.

I think I've mentioned before that every thursday I go to a sort of group counceling session called LHGH (Life Hurts God Heals). I've been working on telling my leader everything. Its just not that easy. She knows a lot and I think she can assume what my secret is but I haven't flat out told her everything yet. I am also wanting to just tell the whole group whats going on. I want to trust them but I have major trust issues. Its not easy to trust people I hardly know. I've been getting to know most of them for about two months now but its still not enough. It took years to finally confide in my best friend everything. Trust is a major thing that I have issues having in people.

The self harm is an on going struggle. Right now I've gone 7 days without it. I have my best friend holding my accountable. Every day she asks me what day I'm on. When I fall she doesn't critize me but encourages me, and when I go an extra day we party together But making it to day 7 has been really tough. Its been far from easy. I really am struggling with it.

Something else I have realized is that I have been feeling incredibly lonely. I'm being told constantly that I'm not alone but I've secluded myself and made it to where I am. Now for the first time I don't want to be alone. I don't want to handle this on my own. I'm just not sure how to change. Part of me is wanting to crawl in a whole and stay alone but I think thats more of instinct instead of an actual desire. I really want to let people in now. I want them to know the real me and not just the mask I created for them to see.

Something I've started doing that I haven't done in a while is a devotional. My relationship with God has been really rocky and now I'm looking for answers in the Bible. Probably something I should have done a long time ago but this is still a part of my life that I haven't handed over to Him. I've held on to it for many reasons. I'm not really talking to God but I'm listening to what He has to say and what He wants me to learn.

Hum... Right now thats all I can think to write. Its a long journey. It feels like I've been working at it for forever and its only been a few weeks. I'm trying not to give up but everyday I'm faced with wanting to turn back to my hard exterior and just play like its all okay. Thank you for praying for me and thanks for caring.

secretshadows

You are doing very well, sweetie. Saying it out loud is very, very hard... I know that it took me a long time to be able to do so. Even with my husband, I gave him my blog to read, because I couldn't say it out loud.
Therapy helped with that... I started talking to my therapist because it seemed stupid not to, and gradually became able to talk to others, though there are still only a handful of people I am comfortable talking to about it.
It is a long process, but you have started, and you will get there, step by step. It is great that you have been able to start on the road to recovery when you are still young.
There will be low times, and times when you feel you can't cope.. but they will get fewer.
As for the SI, 7 days is a great achievement. It sounds as though you have a very good friend there, I'm glad someone understands and can listen It isn't a good thing, but it is a way of coping, and not something to beat yourself up about.

Keep pressing on, sweetie, and remember how much you are loved.
Praying for you

 

[myanchor]

Yeah, I read about cutting and said hey, maybe that will help me feel better. It didn't, it just hurt.

I did have a wild hair when DW and I were going through the miserable time with just my income and her being very depressed and trying to kill herself. I got out my hair cutting set and proceeded to shorten my hair. Then it looked ugly on the sides with hair still sticking out over my ears. So I took off the attachment and buzzed around the side and was going to leave the top like the marines high and tight. Well I didn't do a good job and it wasn't smooth. DW took one look and said that is just so ugly, shave it all off. I did. I don't have a smooth head and boy did it look ugly. Got sunburned too.

Can you go to a school counselor when school starts?

 

[secretshadows618]

Yeah, I read about cutting and said hey, maybe that will help me feel better. It didn't, it just hurt.

I did have a wild hair when DW and I were going through the miserable time with just my income and her being very depressed and trying to kill herself. I got out my hair cutting set and proceeded to shorten my hair. Then it looked ugly on the sides with hair still sticking out over my ears. So I took off the attachment and buzzed around the side and was going to leave the top like the marines high and tight. Well I didn't do a good job and it wasn't smooth. DW took one look and said that is just so ugly, shave it all off. I did. I don't have a smooth head and boy did it look ugly. Got sunburned too.

Can you go to a school counselor when school starts?

Your head shaving story made me smile

I'm homeschooled. I teach myself so I can help out at home and work. So I have no school counselor to go see.

 

[myanchor]

Doh, I read that you were homeschooled and forgot it. Sorry.

Hey got another goofy thing I've done. If you ever watched night court in reruns and saw John Astin on there, he played a man who sometimes had delusions. Anyway when he would appesr in the court he would get this bug eyed look on his face and say but I'm much better now.

Okay on to my story. A fill-in pharmacist had no discretion and one time she asked this woman if she knew why she was taking this antibiotic. the woman said in a low voice for chlamydia. i looked over and saw the wedding rings. I felt for the woman. the Pharmacist said why is that in a booming voice. the woman spoke up and said it louder. The pharmacist said loudly, Chlamydia, huh, wiell that should do it. Make sure to tell your partners you have chlamydia. I was getting a new medicine and she was on duty and she wanted to 'counsel' me on my medicine. She asked why was I taking this medicine. I was ready, boy was I ready. She was only 4'11" and I'm 6'3". I leaned over the half door a little, opened my eyes really wide, put this really wife goofy grin on my face and said with a kind of loud voice. " Because I'm bughouse nuts" She gulped, stepped back toward the pharmacist's counter and said in a small voice, okay then.

I held it till I got to the car and then busted a gut laughing. I told my wife and she said you bad boy as she laughed.

You can have fun with things if your sense of humor is sufficiently twisted.

 

[secretshadows618]

You are doing very well, sweetie. Saying it out loud is very, very hard... I know that it took me a long time to be able to do so. Even with my husband, I gave him my blog to read, because I couldn't say it out loud.
Therapy helped with that... I started talking to my therapist because it seemed stupid not to, and gradually became able to talk to others, though there are still only a handful of people I am comfortable talking to about it.
It is a long process, but you have started, and you will get there, step by step. It is great that you have been able to start on the road to recovery when you are still young.
There will be low times, and times when you feel you can't cope.. but they will get fewer.
As for the SI, 7 days is a great achievement. It sounds as though you have a very good friend there, I'm glad someone understands and can listen It isn't a good thing, but it is a way of coping, and not something to beat yourself up about.

Keep pressing on, sweetie, and remember how much you are loved.
Praying for you

Thank you Criada. Your kind words keep my spark of hope going. Today I'm a bit depressed. Its one of those low points. Although, a lot of the depression might have to do with me being exhausted.

Right now I'm not really sure what the next step is. I know what I'm wanting to do and some things I need to do but I'm not sure what to do next. I feel like I haven't made any progress at all but I'm being told that I am. I want to progress more but I'm not sure what would be the best way to do that.

 

[secretshadows618]

Doh, I read that you were homeschooled and forgot it. Sorry.

Hey got another goofy thing I've done. If you ever watched night court in reruns and saw John Astin on there, he played a man who sometimes had delusions. Anyway when he would appesr in the court he would get this bug eyed look on his face and say but I'm much better now.

Okay on to my story. A fill-in pharmacist had no discretion and one time she asked this woman if she knew why she was taking this antibiotic. the woman said in a low voice for chlamydia. i looked over and saw the wedding rings. I felt for the woman. the Pharmacist said why is that in a booming voice. the woman spoke up and said it louder. The pharmacist said loudly, Chlamydia, huh, wiell that should do it. Make sure to tell your partners you have chlamydia. I was getting a new medicine and she was on duty and she wanted to 'counsel' me on my medicine. She asked why was I taking this medicine. I was ready, boy was I ready. She was only 4'11" and I'm 6'3". I leaned over the half door a little, opened my eyes really wide, put this really wife goofy grin on my face and said with a kind of loud voice. " Because I'm bughouse nuts" She gulped, stepped back toward the pharmacist's counter and said in a small voice, okay then.

I held it till I got to the car and then busted a gut laughing. I told my wife and she said you bad boy as she laughed.

You can have fun with things if your sense of humor is sufficiently twisted.

This really did make me laugh out loud and the greatest part is that its totally something I would have done!

 

[myanchor]

I read yoiur post of 6:52 am and yes indeed good restful sleep is very important if you are depressed. Not the kind where your anxiety keeps waking you up, but a mixture of sodden deep sleep and dreaming sleep. I have to ensure that DW and I both get ourselves to bed by 10 at the latest or we both wake up really hard and being sleepy during the day tends to make us feel down. The psychiatrist's we use are against sleeping pills because they do have some risk of dependency. Besides Lunesta give us metal mouth.

As for progress, not to be flippant, but so what if you don't feel if you made progress that day? Dear girl this is going to be a lifetime thing and Jesus is with you there all the way. You will have epiphanies and make great strides in a very short time and it will seem like nothing is happening and then all of a sudden you wake up one day and realize, hey I am a lot better than I was x days ago.

When you do start to date after you've moved out, be sure not to tell too much too soon, because it will freak some folks out, and those who are predators will say, easy meat, and some will want to help you, but it is mainly about pity for them, and then there are the folks like me, who've suffered as well and thus want to go find the creep and kill them. Build the relationship as a friend first. Let out dribs and drabs only to the person you are getting serious about. Your heart has been severely wounded and you will want to protect yourself a bit.

And always remember, God the Father is absolutely crazy about you and thinks wonderful thoughts about you, His daughter. The Son is anticipating with great joy the time when you are part of His bride, the church. The Holy Spirit lives within you and has since you accepted Jesus. Wow, you know, you are really loved by God.

 

[secretshadows618]

I read yoiur post of 6:52 am and yes indeed good restful sleep is very important if you are depressed. Not the kind where your anxiety keeps waking you up, but a mixture of sodden deep sleep and dreaming sleep. I have to ensure that DW and I both get ourselves to bed by 10 at the latest or we both wake up really hard and being sleepy during the day tends to make us feel down. The psychiatrist's we use are against sleeping pills because they do have some risk of dependency. Besides Lunesta give us metal mouth.

As for progress, not to be flippant, but so what if you don't feel if you made progress that day? Dear girl this is going to be a lifetime thing and Jesus is with you there all the way. You will have epiphanies and make great strides in a very short time and it will seem like nothing is happening and then all of a sudden you wake up one day and realize, hey I am a lot better than I was x days ago.

When you do start to date after you've moved out, be sure not to tell too much too soon, because it will freak some folks out, and those who are predators will say, easy meat, and some will want to help you, but it is mainly about pity for them, and then there are the folks like me, who've suffered as well and thus want to go find the creep and kill them. Build the relationship as a friend first. Let out dribs and drabs only to the person you are getting serious about. Your heart has been severely wounded and you will want to protect yourself a bit.

And always remember, God the Father is absolutely crazy about you and thinks wonderful thoughts about you, His daughter. The Son is anticipating with great joy the time when you are part of His bride, the church. The Holy Spirit lives within you and has since you accepted Jesus. Wow, you know, you are really loved by God.

The things about sleeping pills I know I will get dependent on them because I have a past history of misusing, being addicted to and overdosing on narcotics and other medications. I'm away from that life style and have been for over two years. Going on 26 months actually but I don't want to be dependent on medication so even if a doctor perscribed it to me I wouldn't take it.

You're right about the whole progress thing. I know its nothing that'll happen over night. When I look back to the very beginning of this year I was getting absolutly no where with all of this and now some people know and I'm working on talking about. Something I never imagined I would have done. Guess I should have made it my new years resolution . I guess I'm getting impatient. I want this to be over... My adult friend Cathy says that I'm going to be able to use my past just as she has to help other girls who have gone through it. I hope shes right. I hope one day I am strong enough to talk to others about it.

As for dating. Wow... strange subject. In the past I have dated. I have seriously screwed up in those relationships because I didn't stay pure. I'm only technically a virgin and I'm not proud of that. I was willing to do those things with a guy that I was forced to do when I was molested. I guess I was happy I wasn't being forced this time. I know that every relationship I have been in has been purely physical. Although I cared deeply for the guys they just wanted the physical aspect of our relationship. Since I told secret I have not dated anyone. Really the idea of dating again makes me slightly nausous. I don't think I can be with a guy right now. There is no dating rule in my house. In fact the only sex rule we have here is use protection. My family isn't exactly a christian family. I'm wanting to be able to get my life straight. When it comes to dating theres a lot of things I want to change. Such as dating a christian for a change (that has been another huge mistake). I need to God to be a part of the dating aspect of my life and thats something I haven't ever done. So dating probably won't happen for a very very long time. I'm perfectly content with just being friends with guys. I'm not afraid of them. I just don't want another screwed up relationship.

I'm still having trouble accepting how much God loves me. Cathy said that I need to believe that when Christ died He died for me. But I'm having issues with that. He didn't just do it for me. He did it for all of us. So I can't really accept that. I'm having a lot of self worth and self image issues. It irritates my friends. They are aggravated that I am so down on myself. They have a lot of nice things to say about me but I can't believe what they have to say.

Well today I have another LHGH meeting. I'm a little worried and a little excited we'll see how it goes.